Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I need to step back from this friendship group, but how?

77 replies

TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 21:27

I’m in a friendship group but over the past couple of years I have been getting the feeling one person in the group doesn’t really like me. It’s subtle and I might be imagining it but nevertheless it’s getting me down. Every time she does something to make me think she doesn’t like me I obsess over it and feel really down about myself. It’s like I crave her approval and I really don’t know why!

I have decided for my own mental health I need to distance myself from this person but I don’t know how to do that without losing my other friendships in this group, this person is very central to the group dynamic whereas I think everyone could take or leave me!

We’re all in a what’s app group and I really want to leave it as I find myself obsessing over how she’s responding to me/or not. It’ll be so weird if I just leave the chat though, but I find it hard to see the messages and not join in but then when I do join in I worry I’ve said something stupid and what this person is thinking of me.

Can anyone relate and give any advice on how I can approach this?

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 05/05/2023 06:42

I think rather than focusing on leaving this group I’d focus on forging other friendships elsewhere. Are there other groups or people you get along with, who you don’t spend as much time with as you do these? Or do you have any hobbies etc?
I used to be in a very close knit group of 4, who I considered my ‘main’ friends. I still hang out with them but I also have other groups, from the gym, work and another hobby I enjoy, which bring out different aspects of me, and it dilutes the main friendship group. There is some crossover but it really works.

Stuf · 05/05/2023 06:57

I’ve experienced something similar. Several strategies work. Muting the WhatsApp is good. Giving her lots of space. Await the next comment and have a preprepared reply (‘oh, you’re always putting me down’). Pointing out her behaviour might help. Also tell your closest friends even if they are her closest friend. It’s possible they have noted the behaviour anyway. Explain you feel constantly put down by the comments and it upsetting you, so taking a step back.

Stuf · 05/05/2023 06:58

And at the same time explore other friendships and do things with new people.

Original poster
TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 07:13

Good advice yes I definitely will, and do, explore other friendships. I think sadly we’ve just grown apart, we were always very different characters but she found me amusing, lately I think that’s turned to irritation, which is sad because when it was good it was really good.

OP posts:
GretaGood · 05/05/2023 07:21

I think others will see it and expect you to deal with it. If they were to rush to your defence it makes you appear weaker.

Wasn't Anne Operations Manager for GlaxoSmithKline - or some such amazing job.

The fact she is making digs about your child rearing probably means that she envies something about your happy family life.

Original poster
TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 07:24

Thanks for the what’s app advice @IrritableVowel that’s good to know as I’ve archived the group chat and now can’t find it! But I don’t want to blatantly ignore people if they’re talking directly to me so I’m hoping it’ll pop up if anyone asks me anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 07:25

@GretaGood interestingly around the time she started being funny with me I got a really good job, we were both SAHMs until then (she still is). I do wonder if that has something to do with it.

OP posts:
GretaGood · 05/05/2023 07:32

TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 07:25

@GretaGood interestingly around the time she started being funny with me I got a really good job, we were both SAHMs until then (she still is). I do wonder if that has something to do with it.

OMG - I bet that is it.

Knowing this perhaps her digs won't hurt so much and you can be a little smug.

colddrytoast · 05/05/2023 07:36

She sounds awful. Definitely jealous and no point even trying to find out why/what of, as being lovely you'd find yourself going down the road of trying to make it better! Which, with these sorts, is pointless.

I'd make her work for your 'approval' - never bloody necessary with normal people but with really very very small people like these who are attacking you, sadly it is.

When she comes at you with her nasty little 'I'd need to have your kids FROM BIRTH' lines don't give her anything. No nervous smiles, or positive feedback in any form. Just look her directly in the eye and frowning, slowly repeat her words back to her in a tone which expresses a question mark of vague disbelief that you are being forced to deal with this idiot again. "You'd need to have my kids from birth???" you say slowly, looking confused, and emphasising the YOU'D and the MY. Ball's then back in her court, she has been challenged to publicly explain herself/elaborate on the bitchiness she has so far got away with, or retreat. What is her next move? She's a bully who has been caught out so is unlikely to confidently continue with her attacks. Her reward from you for good behaviour is a smile, but still look faintly chilly as if you are wondering about her character for quite some time to come. If she bullies again, the others have seen it now, and are likely to chip in. I would.

If she is too intimidating in person, then you could practice calling her out online, using the power of the repeated question mark to full effect.

Oblomov23 · 05/05/2023 07:43

She sounds nasty. Why don't you say as such to her? Why are you so passive? Have you told a close friend within the group how she makes you feel?

Or just leave.

I don't think the group is your problem. You seem to have very low self esteem and you would do yourself a lot of good by working on that first.

Coconut90 · 05/05/2023 07:53

It sounds like she's insecure about being a SAHM and projecting. I wouldn't read into it beyond that.

Stickmansmum · 05/05/2023 08:01

I have similar in my group of 8. Lots of little jibes and digs. We’re all completely flat out with our kids and family life and I’ve forgotten a couple of things recently or gone to wrong sports location (really unusual for me as I’m very organised) which I’ve laughed about but she laughs extra and says things like ‘you’d forget your head’ and ‘of course you forgot, I knew you would’. It’s all very pointed. I know she’s trying to take me down a bit but it does make me a bit nervous to be around her. The others are gorgeous people and we’re a really solid group. I wish she didn’t feel the need to jibe at me. I know it’s jealousy though and she probably can’t help herself.

Peterpiperpickedapeckof · 05/05/2023 08:31

It can be hard to imagine that someone else feels jealous of your own life / you but it is usually at the heart of such put downs. She sounds dreadful and I would be avoiding her as much as possible. You have to decide if it’s worth being part of the group or not.

try standing up to her and see where that gets you?

JoanThursday1972 · 05/05/2023 08:39

Sometimes "groups" are really gangs.

OldTinHat · 05/05/2023 08:48

I'm in a similar situation. There are 8 of us in the group, I'm the youngest at 51 and the woman who has issues with me is 71.

She talks about me to others behind my back and creates dramas I'm not even aware of. When we meet up all together, she actively turns her back on me, won't even say hello and pointedly ignores me.

I deal with it by ignoring her and her nasty comments on the WhatsApp group. When we meet up, I kill her with kindness even though she glares at me, turns away and blanks me.

I think you have to consider the dynamics of the rest of the group OP and how much you enjoy the company of the others. For me, that outweighs the unpleasantness. Luckily, everyone knows she can't stand me and I've tried to pity her instead, I never say anything bad about her and the others have all said her behaviour says more about her than it does me.

Unbridezilla · 05/05/2023 08:57

TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 22:29

The person I get on with most out of the whole group is her best friend, so definitely can’t talk to her about it.

Is this maybe her problem?

She sees her best friend being good friends with you and feels jealous? Perhaps as she has changed her bf has distanced herself, but she is putting the blame on you?

Or even if her bf hasn't distanced herself, she has noticed you and the bf becoming good friends and doesn't like it?

Original poster
TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 09:27

Interestingly I was friends with her bf (the one I get on with most with in the group) first. In fact I introduced them to each other and they really hit it off. They are God mothers to each other’s children, their husbands get on with each other and they meet up loads outside of the group. I am zero threat to that friendship.

OP posts:
BeverlyHa · 05/05/2023 09:33

What your " friend " is saying is totally nasty. She might be a strict person and her kids having no issues going to school but you are a person in your rights and if your kids have issues going to school or getting ready, this does not devalue you nor your kids. Why do you bother with these people...

Original poster
TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 09:34

I bother with her because she was nice to me for many years and we got on well and because she’s part of a group of friends who are all lovely and I enjoy spending time with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 09:36

But I am going to distance myself now.

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 05/05/2023 09:36

There’s a school mum like this, I’ve taken to a lot of vague unarguable responses.

So she criticises me (or any of the mums I like), she gets a bland “well, we all parent differently”, or “takes all sorts”, “wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same”.

They’re the kind of bland nothings she can’t actually criticise or argue with because they’re so obviously true (and boring).

Upshot is I know she doesn’t like me, she tries to make digs at me, I respond in a kind of boring way that makes clear I also don’t give a shit, there’s no arguments and nothing she can drag other people into.

It’s working so far.

Mary46 · 05/05/2023 09:36

Hi op yes mute the chats. Women can be nasty. I find I like to meet one friend now its less drama than these group things.

MyEyesAreBleeding · 05/05/2023 09:53

TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 07:24

Thanks for the what’s app advice @IrritableVowel that’s good to know as I’ve archived the group chat and now can’t find it! But I don’t want to blatantly ignore people if they’re talking directly to me so I’m hoping it’ll pop up if anyone asks me anything.

This website explains perfectly.. I'm an archiver

faq.whatsapp.com/1426887324388733/?cms_platform=android&helpref=platform_switcher&locale=sv_SE

SeulementUneFois · 05/05/2023 10:47

GoldenGorilla · 05/05/2023 09:36

There’s a school mum like this, I’ve taken to a lot of vague unarguable responses.

So she criticises me (or any of the mums I like), she gets a bland “well, we all parent differently”, or “takes all sorts”, “wouldn’t it be boring if we were all the same”.

They’re the kind of bland nothings she can’t actually criticise or argue with because they’re so obviously true (and boring).

Upshot is I know she doesn’t like me, she tries to make digs at me, I respond in a kind of boring way that makes clear I also don’t give a shit, there’s no arguments and nothing she can drag other people into.

It’s working so far.

This looks like a good approach OP.
Upside also that you don't have to come up with a retort on the spot when you might be caught unprepared.
Instead a reply like the above would work in most cases...

milkshakebringsallthebuoystotheyard · 05/05/2023 13:23

TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 22:43

Possibly, I don’t think so though because they are really close so I can’t at that I’m any kind of threat to their friendship.

Some people REALLY dont like sharing though. I agree, I think this is exactly the issue. She is jealous that you like her friend more than her, shes jealous that her friend has other friends. Shes just threatened by it.