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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I need to step back from this friendship group, but how?

77 replies

TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 21:27

I’m in a friendship group but over the past couple of years I have been getting the feeling one person in the group doesn’t really like me. It’s subtle and I might be imagining it but nevertheless it’s getting me down. Every time she does something to make me think she doesn’t like me I obsess over it and feel really down about myself. It’s like I crave her approval and I really don’t know why!

I have decided for my own mental health I need to distance myself from this person but I don’t know how to do that without losing my other friendships in this group, this person is very central to the group dynamic whereas I think everyone could take or leave me!

We’re all in a what’s app group and I really want to leave it as I find myself obsessing over how she’s responding to me/or not. It’ll be so weird if I just leave the chat though, but I find it hard to see the messages and not join in but then when I do join in I worry I’ve said something stupid and what this person is thinking of me.

Can anyone relate and give any advice on how I can approach this?

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 04/05/2023 22:23

Her comments are incredibly rude!
Arms length her all the way and if anyone comments, just tell them you have decided to no longer tolerate the constant digs. You don't need to elaborate, I bet they can imagine for themselves if that's who she is.
You can't choose their reaction but you can draw your own boundaries and rightly so from the snapshot you've given here.

BiscuitLover3678 · 04/05/2023 22:26

You sound like me. I’m always feeling awkward about my contribution to the WhatsApp group! She is being a bitch though and I hate this one up mothering and judgement. Are you brave enough to reply something like “what do you mean?”
Surely the others will have a raised eyebrow when they read that. Can you do more catch ups one on one with the others?

mischlerischler · 04/05/2023 22:27

She is rude.

As difficult it is, I would try to ignore her messages and only interact with others in the group.

If you feel like you can't do it, then I would leave the group. It would be a shame to lose touch with others though.

Original poster
TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 22:28

That comment she made was face to face in front of the group. I was so unsure how to take it that I just laughed and moved the conversation onto something else. In the what’s app group she pretty much just ignores anything I say.

OP posts:
autienotnaughtym · 04/05/2023 22:28

You could message others individually if you want a chat/meet up. Is there anyone in the group you could mention it to.

Original poster
TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 22:29

The person I get on with most out of the whole group is her best friend, so definitely can’t talk to her about it.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 04/05/2023 22:31

I feel so annoyed on your behalf that you want to quit the group due to her

Dont give her the satisfaction

There are other ways of tacking it

’sorry can you repeat that’ (when she says something nasty getting her to repeat it will not be nice for her’

’how do you mean? (If she says something cheeky)

’Im not sure I understand’ (with a long hard look into her eyes)

or smile and nod and let it go over your head

believe me she’s clearly jealous- perhaps everyone in the group likes you and it’s making her feel insecure

Quitelikeit · 04/05/2023 22:31

Boom!!

you get on with her BF the most! Could that be it?

Imnoexpert · 04/05/2023 22:42

TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 21:57

I just feel like she looks down on me. An example is I was having a moan recently about how difficult it is getting my children to get ready for school in the morning. She said something like “I’d love to see how different your children would be if I looked after them”. She’s much stricter than me (and her children love going to school) so I laughed and said “yes that would be interesting” and she then said “I’d need to have had them from birth though” meaning, I think, that the way they are is a result of the rubbish way I’ve brought them up. I couldn’t think of any other way to take that comment really. It’s just little digs like that.

Err that's not a little dig. She's a full on bitch!

Original poster
TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 22:43

Possibly, I don’t think so though because they are really close so I can’t at that I’m any kind of threat to their friendship.

OP posts:
Original poster
TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 22:43

Can’t see, not at

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 04/05/2023 22:50

TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 22:08

She’s not like it to the others though, only to me. She’s very Amanda from motherland and I’m afraid I’m a classic Anne!

Ha, you sound lovely and very funny OP. This other woman sounds horrible! I was thinking Amanda from Motherland too. I think Anne is one of the nicer characters!

Anyway, very tricky. I think I'd fade out from the group, and see if you can keep any one to one friendships with the ones you get on with. Good luck

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/05/2023 22:59

Just assume she doesn’t like you. She probably doesn’t. Not everyone will like you in life.

Is the friendship group important to you? Then stay in it.

Justalittlebitduckling · 04/05/2023 23:00

TeamSleep · 04/05/2023 21:57

I just feel like she looks down on me. An example is I was having a moan recently about how difficult it is getting my children to get ready for school in the morning. She said something like “I’d love to see how different your children would be if I looked after them”. She’s much stricter than me (and her children love going to school) so I laughed and said “yes that would be interesting” and she then said “I’d need to have had them from birth though” meaning, I think, that the way they are is a result of the rubbish way I’ve brought them up. I couldn’t think of any other way to take that comment really. It’s just little digs like that.

Sorry I didn’t read this post before commenting. She sounds like a bitch.

Infracat · 04/05/2023 23:13

WrenNatsworthy · 04/05/2023 22:06

She sounds like Amanda from Motherland.

If all the others don't find her annoying then these guys are not your tribe. Surely there's someone in your corner?

This is exactly what I thought too. Amanda!

candlesandbroomsticks · 04/05/2023 23:25

Ick your not going mad.

We had a Amanda in our mums whatup group. Had the same type of tone of voice but not British. Used to make my ears ring.

She used to sing randomly at you (like hyacinth bucket - from keeping up appearances). Convos would go like "my baby hadn't slept in weeks I'm so tired" her response "oh we have never had that problem, baby x slept 14hrs a night since birth"

Grim. She took a dislike to one of the other girls in the group. Just thought it would as personality clash, then she took against another one and I called her out when I found out she had made a comment about my Dd (I left her father for v valid reason) and I told her what I thought of her and rather dramatically left the group.

One of those people who talks about "not wanting to be around negative energy" while providing enough negative energy to power the uk.

She got off on excluding people it would appear. Like a repeating pattern with her.

God knows I'm grateful I don't have to be sung at randomly and hear that awfully annoying voice loudly proclaiming her 3 month old baby is talking French (mum doesn't speak French or any other language bar English neither does her family 😵‍💫) so how the baby picked it up must mean "she's just soooo advanced" It was so bloody transparent it used to render me dumb struck tbh.

And that wasn't some of her most ridiculous statements. You have my sympathies. Amanda's of this world and me don't get on. They makes me want to bang my head into a brick wall.

Follow Anne here too tbh

Windmillwhirl · 05/05/2023 05:27

I personally think she's threatened by your friendship with the other woman. As everyone has said, distance yourself. She's toxic.

And agree to never mentioning Amanda. It will drive her bonkers knowing she's not relevant enough to you to even talk about.

GoodRice · 05/05/2023 06:04

Oh, I know women like this! The don't realise that when they dish out digs and put others down they look ridiculous to the rest of us. Woman like this must be deeply insecure and jealous, not that the'd think so necessarily. They come across as full of themselves but they aren't comfortable in the own skin, I think of them as toxic bitch lady. They happily and joyfully destroy friendships, reputations and happiness in other women to further their imagined 'status'. If the group or any individual friends don't stick up for you, it's time to wave them all goodbye and move on to better things. Will your dc go to the same school hope not?

Violasaremyfavourite · 05/05/2023 06:10

If it is any consolation, many of the children of really strict parents turn into real little horrors when they are off the leash. When choosing a hall of residence my son chose a hall with en suite bathrooms. The daughter of one of my colleagues chose a hall where they were meant to "dress" for dinner. My son's hall was civilised but what went on in the dress for dinner hall was a total riot. One girl who was raised by strict Islamic parents discovered alcohol for example and got so "unwell" that no amount of deoderising could overcome the stench in the hallway and my colleague's daughter took to exiting via the window.

Original poster
TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 06:12

I think so far I’ve come across as not being at all bothered by the way she is with me, so there’s not really a need for the others to stick up for me and she really is subtle about it to the point I’ve been thinking I’m imagining it. Yes our children all go to the same school. Our daughters used to be really close friends but (and this is going to sound really paranoid!) I feel like she’s been encouraging her daughter not to get too close to mine and they’ve drifted apart.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 05/05/2023 06:14

It sounds like it would be tricky to see anyone without her. Maybe take a break and see how you feel. You might miss them, or maybe you will feel relieved not to deal with it anymore. I would spend more time with other friends and see if any of them contact you outside the group.

Original poster
TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 06:19

If I’ve archived the group chat will I still get notified if someone mentions me (like with the @ sign)? Something I’m wondering as I lie here mulling it over! I really hate how this woman has got under my skin!

OP posts:
GoodRice · 05/05/2023 06:29

That changes things a bit, especially if the kids are still young. You have years of school run, parties, playdates ahead. It might be that your dcs don't get on at school or she is cleverer than bitch lady's dc so she's being petty and jealous.

Original poster
TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 06:34

Yes exactly there’s no way I can make an enemy of her so I need to distance myself and keep acting like her comments don’t bother me, and hopefully in time they really won’t 🤞

OP posts:
IrritableVowel · 05/05/2023 06:37

TeamSleep · 05/05/2023 06:19

If I’ve archived the group chat will I still get notified if someone mentions me (like with the @ sign)? Something I’m wondering as I lie here mulling it over! I really hate how this woman has got under my skin!

Yes, if they @ you, you will get notifications. Apart from that you won't see it in your list of conversations.

I really like using it, I am part of a busy group that I don't want to engage with often. I dip in every few days.

She sounds nasty OP, making sly wee digs that others might not necessarily notice, but leave you feeling off or self conscious