Second marriage with attractive amazing man - is this ever possible?!

[rolvus]

I've recently separated. I'm acutely aware that at my age (mid 40's) absolutely all the decent men will be married. I'm attractive, nice and reasonably successful. Is it possible to meet somebody the same? I meet lovely men, but obviously the good men are married. I left DH as he was unfaithful. But I feel it's less likely for a woman to be unfaithful to an attractive, good man?

Do you mean good looking, or do you mean their personality and values make them attractive? You sound very focussed on looks. I remarried someone I think is wonderful and I find attractive but whether he'd come up to your standards I don't know.

No I definitely don't mean looks! I mean attractive in the sense of nice/kind/a good human/solvent/sensible/responsible/decent/hard working/self aware etc etc

Not all attractive unmarried men in their 40's are the divorced victims of unfaithful wives. Some are single by choice. Some are widowers, sadly. Some are divorced because they married very young and grew out of each other.

Well that's what I'm wondering really. Are there many that just grew apart from their wives?

It’s definetly going to take time to find them.
I mean most people (men or women) aren’t all of these, or even most of these things you’ve listed at any age / point in their lives.

Good luck, hope you find him!

I know two women single (divorced) from 30s, I think.
Both due to man's infidelity.

I have to say first of all that both spent quite a few years either single (first one) or in and out of unsuitable relationships (second one).

But (!)

The first one met a widower she's attracted to through his niece attending a hobby she'd just joined (ceili dancing) asking her to go on a date with him. Theyre together years now, do lots of cruising together, horse races (he's a fan), lots of family stuff.

She sailed for years (yachts and dinghies but never met a single man she was attracted to, or at all, through that). She met men who wanted to have affairs in work but did not go there.

Second one; she had one of two unsuitable relationships she spent too much time on; in her 40s she then met a divorce (his wife cheated) in a hotel where there was a country music gig (a thing here in our rural region), and she's very outgoing so she started taking to him.

Theyve been happy ever since. He's a builder and built their home and an annexe home for her son & his family. It's very nice. Her ex was an alco waster who did some taxi driving.

So, it took them a while.

(I would also point out that both are on the short side for men. Which may have been part of why they were single on the apparently height obsessed dating scene. Second ones h is handsome though. First one I've only seen in photos but he's by no means bad looking).

It's definitely possible. I know several couples to whom this would apply, including my DH and me.

Virtually all the people I know, both male and female, ended their last relationship due to wanting different things, growing apart, or realising that love can’t overcome incompatibility. I truly don’t recognise this MN world where all single women = good partner material and saintly victims of cheating, abusive men and all single men = rejects, cheats and abusers. It doesn’t reflect what I know in real life at all.

You mention you’re recently separated and yet already you’re thinking about the next man, rather than recalibrating from your break up and working out who you are and acknowledging both sides of the decline of your last relationship. Perhaps this is part of the problem: a lot of women wanting to feel loved again dive straight into looking for their next relationship and therefore make themselves vulnerable to the bad men who can sense that vulnerability.

I've done all the 'work' on myself within the marriage. DH cheated from the outset. I've had years and years to figure myself out and work through what's gone wrong. I decided to stay so long because of the children so I've essentially been separated for years, with the outward impression of being married. I'm genuinely a good catch, just chose the wrong person.

Are you using dating sites? Be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs in that case - and weed out the married ones looking for a side piece.

I don't want to use dating sites. I haven't so far.

It's 100% possible.

My mum's sister got divorced in her sixties after 30+ years of marriage.

She met a new guy within the last year or two and is absolutely smitten. He seems delightful.

It might take time but I think there are lots of good people out there.

There's more (ageing) commitment-phobe types in the 40+ dating pool - naturally really, they never settled down while their peers did. But it's really just numbers game/vetting and patience. I did meet a few who's ex relationships started young and they just grew apart amicably. If you aren't wanting to date online i'd suspect via friends? Which also helps with vetting.

You are! so I don't think you have anything to worry about :) I think a lot of people are in similar position of finally ending less than satisfactory relationships when they hit their 40s (and not necessarily because of drama like abuse or cheating) and like you are ready to meet someone new :)

Yes it is possible. Even nice, attractive, funny men end up divorced or widowed.

I was a little bit younger (not much) than you when I remarried a lovely man. So happy second time around.

My ex is attractive and seems like a really good catch. I have no idea what he has told his gf but I'm betting it was nowhere near the truth as he struggles with any form of honesty. This is what keeps me from looking for someone, I just know that the truth will be an inconvenience in a lot of cases and the line 'we just grew apart' or some other vague reason will be used to mask the truth and I'm done with trying to work out how much of a liar someone is.

I think you have to open your mind up(not saying yours is closed in particular!) and find the right balance of giving someone a chance whilst also being true to your values.

For instance, there's some snobbery around men who can't spell or with poor grammar, or those who have a photo on their profile with them holding a fish or whatever. But that to me doesn't necessarily make someone a bad catch (ha!).

I have met someone who definitely can't spell very well, but I know now why now that i know him. He earns less than me, another thing that people seem to want to avoid. He's caring, understanding, genuine, honest and also cracking in bed. Had I not been open minded to that initial connection I may not have given it a chance.

I'd say both my ex and I have found decent new partners since our break up.

For every lier there is there's an honest person too. I always tell myself that if I'm capable of honesty then surely I am not the only person on Earth able to be honest - so people deserve at least initial benefit of a doubt

Definitely possible. Left first husband at 37, met second and last 🤣 at 39. DH is an absolute dream boat, total Mills and Boon heroine ludicrousity! Secondy besty for both of us and we're blissful ❤️ Go for it!

@Bapbap45 but was your DH holding a fish?!

Ahh Ok, how did you find each other?! This is what I'm looking for! I feel I deserve it

In my experience, women are just as likely to be unfaithful - there’s bad apples on both sides, but you can’t let that put you off.

I’m approaching my 40s, and lots of my male friends are already there - some of them single and genuinely lovely people.
Good luck!

Well I've got one so there is definitely hope!

@SaulSobieski this might honestly be the funniest, most descriptive, outing post I've ever read on MN. In equal measure, it made me smile and worry about how your friends and their short DPs are going to feel/react when they read this

Ha! Not when I met him!

But I have seen his fishing photos. Its not my bag but then, he probably doesn't really care about photos of me playing netball either. It's a hobby.

Hopefully you get what I'm saying though. Go by MN standards, you'll never find anyone.