Are relationships really that miserable?

[SinglePonders]

Some time ago my friend and I were talking, she asked me about dating (never worked out for me, she knows) and I said same old, same old, I don’t think it’s going to happen to me.

And she said, and it’s not the first time, that relationships aren’t often so great, many are together just for money and out of fear of being alone, settling to have kids etc.

And I’ve seen and heard these kind of comments before, quite a few have said here.
Is it true?

If so many (I’m sure it’s not all) relationships are unhappy / not so good, why is it still such selling point? Why do most people want to be in a relationship? Try many times again and again?
Why are single people, more so women, still shamed then for being single, even if they’d like a relationship?
Shouldn’t we be more honest?

Dunno why it's such a selling point. Perhaps it's the age old narrative of men via societal norms and culture because men apparently thrive more in marriage than women. They need it more.

I don't know.

I've just come out of a truly horrible 22 year marriage. Violence and verbal abuse and financial abuse.

So glad to be free-ish. But the. I look back at boyfriends I had before I got married and they were all tossers too.

I'm steering well clear from now on.

Because you fall in love and can’t imagine a future when you aren’t in love.
Because you can’t imagine that the person you marry will change for the worse.

Some relationships just won’t survive hardships, stress and time.

But generally young people will be happier and older people won’t. Just look at the relationship boards.

It’s a well known thing. Young people getting tattoos can’t imagine a future where they will regret it. We just think we will always feel the same about people and things. That’s why wisdom is generally credited to the old.

No not all relationships are unhappy and im sorry this has been your experience. It did take me until 34 to find the right person!

I found a lovely man (by pure luck) only 6 years ago. Like the above poster, the boyfriends I had before him ranged from a bit crap to horrendously abusive. If I became single again, 100% I wouldn't bother with any more men and would stay single. I have friends who say the situation is dire (late 30s early 40s), one is having a child by herself (donor) because of it.
I literally had this chat with my teen yesterday who was gobsmacked that women are seen as defective/ "on the shelf" / "spinster" if they don't have a man. The double standard between how men and women are seen when dating (stud vs slut etc) I honestly believe it's patriarchy. Men benefit from being in a relationship while it tends to be much worse for the woman. Much harder on them.
I'd never shame a single woman. Other than at the moment (which was pure luck, me happening on a decent person), my happiest times have always been when I was single.

If a relationship is unhappy then it’s a waste of time being in it tbh - it’s supposed to enhance your already happy life; an additional extra not the main focus

I find the idea of settling unbelievably sad. Part of me can't comprehend how anyone can choose to spend their one life in a relationship they don't enjoy with a person they don't love or even like.

I always rebelled against the idea that marriage and kids and the conventional life path was something I should aim for. My mother thought I was troublesome and contrarian but I'm glad I was.

Money? I've been so broke I've had to literally count the pennies in my bank account but it never occurred to me that I could live off a man. Being financially independent is something I always knew was my responsibility.

Fear of being alone? I enjoy being alone! I actually assumed I'd end up alone and I was fairly happy about that. DP came along and disrupted it but only because he actively enhances my life. But if he hadn't, I'm sure I'd be content being single.

Never wanted kids so maybe that saved me from being tempted to settle too.

Yes in general I think they are. The sacrifices many make is probably not worth it.

Be independent and live your life happily.

Of course there's unhappy relationships out there but it's far from all.

Why do most people want to be in a relationship?

Because a good relationship with the right person will massively enhance most people's lives. No one aspires to be in a bad relationship just for the sake of it.

You don't hear from the happy ones so much because they're at home with the other half!... To an extent.

I am still of the "bonus not a necessity" view on relationships. Still. But having seen a single friend have a nasty stroke last year, I do appreciate the "having someone else to run the household and have your back" aspect of it a little more.

Some relationships are miserable, some are average and some are fantastic.

I am in a very happy relationship and being with my husband enhances my life in a number of ways.

However, I realise I'm lucky and if for whatever reason my relationship ended, I'd think very hard about being in one again as i wouldn't be prepared to settle for an unhappy or average relationship.

relationships are only as good as people in them - and a lot of people are not so great

I see where you're coming from, but you may as well as 'are people really that miserable?'. Some people are, some aren't. Some is situational. Some is nature/nurture/capacity for happiness. Often things changes over time.

Ime, happy (not always but on balance) relationships tend to create other happy relationships, and likewise the miserable ones. Happily married parents model that for their DC who at least know that such a thing is possible and how it could be done. Parents in miserable relationships model that and DC might come to see that's how relationships tend to be. Generalising of course, and there will be many exceptions, but just as you and your friend are drawing on your experiences and concluding that the majority must be miserable, someone else could look around at friends and family in non-miserable relationships and conclude the opposite. Then it can become self-fulfilling.

And as a PP says, the miserable ones are much more likely to be talking or posting about it, as there's less to say when things are going well and it can sound smug, so people will often be more vocal about the bad stuff. And there's plenty of bad stuff, no doubt, but certainly enough good to keep faith, if you want to be in a relationship.

I wouldn't judge someone for not being in one though and know plenty of women who enjoy being single and have good set-ups with friends and even no-strings lovers. Better to be happy with yourself than miserable together.

Society and biology promote relationships. There are a lot of practical advantages to being in a relationship. There was a recent survey that said it costs £10,000 a year more to be single than to live in a couple. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2023/jan/21/being-single-has-a-lot-going-for-it-but-10k-a-year-seems-too-high-a-price-for-the-privilege

That said, once the initial biological response to a new relationship has worn off, a lot of relationships turn sour. I’m in my late 50s and have had my share of relationships and am now a widow.

My advice would be not to make a major move such as moving in together or even considering marriage or children (i.e. don’t get engaged let alone married and don’t have kids) for the first five years after meeting someone. The first two years are the ‘honeymoon’ period. The next three years are when you get to know what someone is really like. Don’t let go of your independent lives in the meantime, holiday apart sometimes, see friends independently, have your own interests. If you intertwine your lives too much before the five years it’s difficult and scary to get out.

If after five years you find you really enhance each other’s lives, you are in luck and stand a good chance of a good relationship, then go for it.

I think many misunderstood that it’s me saying realationships aren’t good, I didn’t, and I wouldn’t know - no one ever wanted to date me, it’s the comments I’ve been told / read.

I’m not anti-relationships, wouldnmt have soend all these decades to get into one if I had 😅.

Maybe it’s just something people said to try and make feel better.
The whole… ”you’re not missing out on anything” nonsense, you know.

Sadly I think many are miserable. Not all, but lots. I have recently separated from my husband after 16 years of marriage. I put up with a hell of a lot of shit, I think because I wanted a 'normal family' for me and our kids. On reflection I should have left years ago. I also look back at the boyfriends I had before marriage. One was waste of space who got into fights and lost jobs at the drop of a hat. The other was a sexist arsehole who thought women should be in the home. Now I have had spectacularly bad luck with my partners but it has left me thinking what is the point? I'm quite enjoying living on my own terms with no-one to worry about except my children and me!

My advice would be not to make a major move such as moving in together or even considering marriage or children (i.e. don’t get engaged let alone married and don’t have kids) for the first five years after meeting someone. The first two years are the ‘honeymoon’ period. The next three years are when you get to know what someone is really like. Don’t let go of your independent lives in the meantime, holiday apart sometimes, see friends independently, have your own interests. If you intertwine your lives too much before the five years it’s difficult and scary to get out.

I completely agree with this timeline and it's roughly what DP and I ended up doing (we moved in together after 2 years - still had a third housemate for the next 2 years though).

But so often on this site I see women being told they should expect a much, much quicker timeline to those things from new partners - under two years to start planning marriage and kids seems standard. Boggles my mind.

Not at all. My relationship is the root of incredible happiness, fulfilment and love. My DP is the person who I tell everything too, the one who I can't wait to see after the end of any day, good or bad, and the source of incredible support and strength.

I also meant to add, when I have told friends/colleagues about my separation so many have piped up with their own marriage problems. SO many women in relationships with men that don't communicate, don't contribute to family life or responsibilities. It's depressing!

Looking at some of the comments I feel like a lot of misery comes from flogging a dead horse - carrying on in relationships that are simply not worth it

I did it, a lot of other people have done it - often in the name of "keeping family together", mortgage payments being high, or some misguided belief that once you pick someone you have to stick with them (no, you don't).

This attitude gets a lot a of criticism because our grannies stayed with their husbands trough thick layers of makeup it took to cover bruises, but I strongly believe that if people no longer feel like staying with someone then they should leave

Similar experience to @BlastedPimples
Now very happily divorced, loving my single life and am never going there again. If I need company, I have my dog. He's lovely.

People get married because that’s what I supposed to happen. You still have the old image that to be happy you need a family and kids….

I also think that being married gives some financial stability you don’t get being single. If one of you becomes ill, loose their job, you’re not on your own to sort it out. A house is affordable on two wages but not on one etc etc

Now is that worth it vs the issue you can end up in a marriage?
im going to say that if you have a good job, don’t really want kids, I’m really not so sure. It seems even the best men are still so strongly socialise to think they deserve more that it still seeps out somehow. And you still have to live with someone else, with all their qualities and defects.

If you are on the bread line, want children? Very different ball park imo.

If I could buy a house on my (reasonable) wage, I think I might leave.

As it is, I have a very comfy lifestyle, 'D'H earns well & my wages aren't needed to run the household. In addition, he has an engrossing hobby, so I don't have to see him that often.

So, I'm not going anywhere...

Men seem very good at making out theyre something they're not. They are very rarely what they crack themselves up to be. It's disappointing and I've felt 'had' too many times to bother again tbh.

12 years in, still making each other laugh. Too many extra pounds put on, and the bags under the eyes are bigger, and we still think each other is brilliant fun, sexy, intelligent and can’t imagine having to go back into the dating game.

we’ve learnt each others foibles, her cooking is amazing, but she creates carnage in her wake, so I’m 3 steps behind her putting it all stright in the dishy. We both work, me part time , so i make I get an extra lie in, and then I work my way through the laundry/chores so we get more time to spend together when we are both aroubd.

it took me until I was 40 to find her, and her a divorcee with two girls who now think of me as dad.

neither of us is perfect. But we are perfect for each other.

I think it's still the social norm unfortunately (to be in a couple) I'm on a very happy 19 year relationship, but I think lots are unhappy. People do stay together for kids, money, social pressure etc. I think particularly for women in heterosexual relationship ls have it quite bad.

I think also it is just a thing people say, ask and expect without examining it and how what they say affects people.