Are relationships really that miserable?

[SinglePonders]

Some time ago my friend and I were talking, she asked me about dating (never worked out for me, she knows) and I said same old, same old, I don’t think it’s going to happen to me.

And she said, and it’s not the first time, that relationships aren’t often so great, many are together just for money and out of fear of being alone, settling to have kids etc.

And I’ve seen and heard these kind of comments before, quite a few have said here.
Is it true?

If so many (I’m sure it’s not all) relationships are unhappy / not so good, why is it still such selling point? Why do most people want to be in a relationship? Try many times again and again?
Why are single people, more so women, still shamed then for being single, even if they’d like a relationship?
Shouldn’t we be more honest?

I definitely did not mean it as an insult. I was genuinely interested in your thread.

@PeterLemonJello
My bad, can’t always read the tone right.

I don't think it's true that relationships are always or often unhappy, and I say that as someone whose relationship went completely tits up due to my husband's alcohol addiction and associated abusive behaviour. The good years we had were as real as the bad ones, and not everyone ends up like we did.

Wouldn't it be good if we could get our heads round the idea that it's fine to be happy in a relationship, and it's just as fine to be happy single?

For the most part, being in a relationship on Mumsnet sounds horrific.

It does, yes, but people aren't going to ask for advice on something that's going well. I'm much happier in my current relationship than I was being single. But the worst has definitely been when I was in a bad relationship. That was life-changingly awful. And I'd say that it's a hell of a gamble - if being single is a neutral position, being in a good relationship might be +3 whereas being in a bad relationship was -7. So if I split up from my current partner, I won't be trying to date again.

I think so many men are just selfish and misogynist. So relationships can be dreadful, particularly for women. As to why people do it, I'm not sure. Societal pressure. If you want kids, that's hard enough as a couple pulling together, and it certainly wasn't something I wanted to try on my own. And we're social animals. Plus even dreadful men ae good at faking being good partners to start with.

So yes, a good percentage of relationships are miserable, although of course, they don't start that way.

Me neither 😀

It happens of course that people stay together for various reasons despite being unhappy, but that's not my experience.

I adore my partner, not because of our children (although that does tie us together) or money (I have plenty of my own) - I love who he is and I love our relationship.

I'm not wishing my life away but we won't just wither away when our children leave home, there is lots to look forward to when it's just us again (even though the thought of that is upsetting to me right now).

You're right, of course, but I would say the same about people in RL. There was only one couple that I ever thought could be the 'real deal'. They always seemed to genuinely love being in each other's company and you could feel their affection for each other radiating into whatever room they were in. I was really happy for my friend. Then she became ill and he started an affair with a colleague, divorced my friend and married this other woman. I'm the biggest believer of not knowing what goes on behind closed doors and nothing ever really shocking me anymore but this really did.

My other friends are either single because they won't settle, single but desperate for a relationship and chase this dream instead of enjoying their life and I have friends who have massively reduced their expectations and have settled into relationships that are nothing but hassle. I also have a friend who is in a truly terrible relationship, simply because she thinks it's better than being on her own.

I find them a bit dull after a few years.

i think I would prefer relationships to be like PCP car deals where you get a new one every 4 years

😆 This!

After the honeymoon period they definitely can become dull. But being single can feel lonely. It reminds me of the 'choose your hard' quote.

But is ’dull’ so bad?
I mean at the end of the people and life is or can be pretty boring.
Personally I donmt mind, I’m boring and like myself and my life.
So I can’t see dull being a bad thing when it comes to relationships.

One person's dull is one person's contentment. And also as you say, anything can be dull. It doesn't mean it also isn't satisfying. But nothing can be electrically exciting forever. It would be very tiring if it was XD

In my family I would say people just fell in love. The falling out of love generally happened after kids (no-one blames the kids btw).

Also happy people are just getting on with it, theres nothing wrong so they probably just don’t talk about it.

I only know a few people who are quite keen on getting into a relationship and thats more about having kids than anything else.

I agree with your friend. I didn’t realise the amount of shit women put up with for the sake of keeping the happy family facade until I got divorced.

It was at that moment that so many women confided on me that they would like to leave but couldn’t afford to, their husbands were mean or having affairs or they were afraid of their husbands or their kids being alone with the dad. Quite a few had husbands who were very inconsiderate and unhelpful at home at best and abusive at worst.

From all the married couples I know and I am close to (I count them by the dozen) I can only name ONE where they are really a team and genuinely happy with each other.

This doesn’t mean I think it is a good idea to stay on your own, far from it. The key is to keep your financial independence and a clear idea of what is acceptable or not so you can leave if things are no longer working for you. Having the means to leave also makes the distribution of power in the house more equal.

Do you have any interest @SinglePonders ?

Do you mean in having a relationship @PeterLemonJello ?
Yes I do.
I’ve never been in one, sometimes I’ve been sad about it and the few times I’ve try to talk about it, I’m just told that
” I’m lucky to be single, relationships are hard work, men are awful ” (sorry,sorry,sorry, that’s what they’ve told me, sorry again) and my mom claims no one is happy in their relationship/marriage.
And I’ve searched threads arounf this subject and quite a lot of it is, well not so great.

I was asking about an earlier post where you described yourself as boring.

I think there is truth to this.

As times change, women are more economically independent, and we should be. This means that we can and do LEAVE if we need to. We can set up home and be happy. We do not need to remain in subpar relationships when they make us angry and unhappy, and we know we are on the Blackfoot and we know our men are happy for that to be the case, or we don't love them anymore due to their behaviour.

I was walking to the pub the other night after work for a quick pint before my evening music practice when I saw a couple leave their home - he stalked across the road leaving her and the dog behind and she just stood there at the gate, hanging her head saying 'Where are you GOING?' and he carried on.

No WAY would I tolerate living like that; coming home from work to that sort of atmosphere.

I have never found The One - but then I've not looked. I almost down my place now and love my job, enjoy my social life - I actually need more time alone. I do not have the capacity to lie to myself about being at ease when I am not. I recently ended a five month little relationship because he was not right for me.

I think times are changing. Men need to catch up. They are not our bosses and we do not have to do their work for them, and they do not need to pay for us and buy our tolerance. Respect or nothing, in my view, going both ways.

You need friends and money in this life. A wonderful partner is a bonus, but with the sexist issue on the move, many of us are fishing in a pool that is not right for us.

I'm a solo mother by choice and had my son using a sperm donor aged 39. I'm grateful that this option was available to me (both legally and financially) as most likely, I would have ended up "settling" for the next bloke in order to have a child/family as it was very very late in the day fertility-wise. I'd dated and been in all sorts of different relationships including a marriage, but on reflection all relationships had some level of dysfunction and comprise involved (on my part) but I'd hung in there in the hope that I would achieve having a family (before I made the decision to go it alone). I think few people are together out or love (long term and very lucky to have met each other, tends to be when younger from anecdotal observations, but the vast majority "select" their partners due to convenience and necessity in particular in order to have children. Not many women can or want to have a child by themselves so the next best thing is to "settle" if you can't find someone you actually fancy and want to be with. It's not easy by any means. I'm happy the way my life has turned out and I'm open to meeting someone but I'm no longer feeling that pressure to "find" someone the way I did during my 30s.

I was interested to know what interests/hobbies you have as I'm sure you can't be boring.

Ah!
I see, I really keep misunderstanding you, I’m probably not giving the best impression of myself 😅

Yeah, I love art, nature, animals, space, classical music and all kinds craftsmanship - more on the knitting etc type and I’m starting my gardening and can’t wait for berry and mushroom picking season to start.
I’m in my granny-mode already in my younger years! 🙂

That doesn't sound in the least bit boring. May I ask How old you are?

I've had the same partner since we were 20 / 21. Now 38 / 39. I have found parts of it really hard if I'm honest, but I love him very much still and overall I'm happier with him than without. Same with DCs. Hard work but my absolute world.

I think some people have an unrealistic expectations of relationships based on growing up with TV/films. You aren’t going to be in the honeymoon period forever.