Are relationships really that miserable?

[SinglePonders]

Some time ago my friend and I were talking, she asked me about dating (never worked out for me, she knows) and I said same old, same old, I don’t think it’s going to happen to me.

And she said, and it’s not the first time, that relationships aren’t often so great, many are together just for money and out of fear of being alone, settling to have kids etc.

And I’ve seen and heard these kind of comments before, quite a few have said here.
Is it true?

If so many (I’m sure it’s not all) relationships are unhappy / not so good, why is it still such selling point? Why do most people want to be in a relationship? Try many times again and again?
Why are single people, more so women, still shamed then for being single, even if they’d like a relationship?
Shouldn’t we be more honest?

I have four siblings and four close friends.

Two siblings are happily married, two less so. Of my four close female friends, two are/were genuinely happy with their husbands, and two are in such abusive situations, I don't know how the men concerned weren't buried under patios years ago.

So in my circle, it seems to be 50:50.

A lot of people want the hearts & flowers, happy ever after dream. Others need to pair up to survive financially, some want a baby and any partner will do.

I wanted a partnership of equals but haven't found one. And settling has always seemed like a bad idea.

My gut feeling is that only a minority of people are happy in their long-term relationship. In general, the happiest people I know are single and/or childless.

Couples often get together not because they enjoy one another’s company, but because they are afraid being alone, afraid of growing old alone, feel ashamed of being single, want children, want to be like their friends (and plaster social media with photos of them and their partner on holiday), and so on.

I don’t actually know any really happy couples if I’m honest. I’m sure they are out there though!

That's really sweet @CuriouslyDifferent

Imo most marriages (but not all) are stale to miserable on the scale of unhappiness.

I've always been much happier and better off on my own than in a relationship or marriage.

The good parts were short lived. I was too independent and unwilling to kowtow and center the guy and they certainly don't like that.

Marriage benefits men far more than it does women.

I think you have to fundamentally respect each other and be willing to walk away at all times (no matter how hard that is financially etc), if that respect is lost and can't be regained.

You have to stay true to yourself and retain some separateness.

I think relationships have their benefits - for Children, for financial benefits of house sharing, and for someone to have your back in hard times. For company as well. You don't have to be happy, happy, happy all the time. That's a modern invention.

Those of you who say you don't really know happy long term relationships - what do you consider "happy"?

I know few good marriages /LTR that while not perfect (because people argue sometimes and that's normal) are genuinely loving and happy to be together. so I wonder if people may simply have a bit too high expectations for "happy"

Happy people don't go on about things.

Thats a good question. What does happy means?

My mum says she is happy. She doesn’t look happy and her marriage with my dad looks very hard work….

But she may well be happy

My parents argue quite a bit - not because their relationship is bad but because the are very well matched in terms of temperament. Taking step back actually makes it look hilarious and they know it. Even they don't take it seriously, just two moody people who understand (and I think enjoy) each other's moodiness.

I myself am terribly moody (and it's even worse in pregnancy). Does that make us unhappy? I wouldn't say so - in fact I consider myself to be a generally very happy person, but to someone outside my own head I may appear as the grumpiest old lady who complains about everything. It's nothing to do with my husband, I've always been a pain in the ass

Hmm…. I’d say it depends what you call moody?

My dad can look really charming from the outside. And Tbf in some ways he is. He’d give everything to my mum(and me). And when he is calm, he is lovely, helpful, kind.

But, He also cheated.
And Has had angry outbursts like forever (Aka he was like this when I was a child too), suddenly exploding with seemingly no reason. My mum says herself she is walking on eggshell and that some days, it is impossible to talk to my dad at all, let alone about any potentially sensitive subjects. That’s also a regular occurence, not a once in a while thing.

Personally, I’m finding it hard to define happiness. I can relate to feeling content. I can relate to joy. But happiness? It’s not something I can relate to tbh. And that’s unrelated to marriage etc….

I would not call this moody - angry outbursts in my eyes are a bit more serious. To me being moody is getting easily ruffled by someone else's bad driving, or a queue being too long. I know I'm prone to getting easily annoyed or slightly upset - but it passes as soon as it happens

cheating on someone is a deliberate choice someone makes, and if someone is so volatile others have to walk on eggshells that is beyond being simply moody

I thank my absolute lucky, lucky stars that I don't feel any need whatsoever to be in a relationship. I am so happy with my little life and I don't have to compromise a moment of it. I have to stop myself from writing on so many threads I read on here "I'm so glad I'm single". For the most part, being in a relationship on Mumsnet sounds horrific.

the responses here will be biased though, won't they? why would someone make a thread about being in a happy relationship - and then people do say they're happy it seems to annoy some other posters

I'm not talking about this thread, I'm talking about the ones I read on here each day. "Partner won't let me..." etc. The last one that springs to mind was the lady who just wanted to do her watercolours but her partner wanted to arrange her day differently to suit him.

I’ve heard the same. If I say I’m fed up of being single I will get loads of “better to be single than in a crap relationship” as if that’s the only alternative 😣 if all relationships are so bad why do so many people want to be in one!

Generally the easiest part of a relationship is before you move in together or get married or have children, you are free of the work that comes with these steps. If you are married it is very expensive and stressful getting out, so a lot of couples just put up with their differences and muddle along.

I know but still - why would anyone make a thread about being happy? naturally people only seek advice if they have problems

I mean...I've found this forum because pregnancy is kicking my ass and I feel like I've been run over by a lawnmower

I don't think most people, in the real world outside of internet, are this unhappy

It's really rare to find self less, loving, caring man. But if you do it's lovely having a side kick. I don't think there are enough to go round these days though

Marriage / LTR / birth rates all in decline, and singledom on the rise.

It appears both men and women seem more content to live lives independently of each other.

I think some people whose parents divorced don't want to risk having go through all that heartache and stay well away from serious relationships.

@SinglePonders No one wanted to date you. Is that true?

What gave it away?
The first sentence in my op?
Nothing gets by you, does it.
Why do you ask, did you think you’d turn it to insult?
If yes, I hope you read my op and other comment, where I’ve said these are comments people tell me.
__ I’m personally, still even what I’ve been through, a big believer of love.

I’ve had two marriages never again will I live with anyone that’s even if I date and to be honest the amount of man child weirdoes around I simply can’t be bothered.