Suspect DH cheating

[Nancy6]

Regular poster but name changed for this.
DH is sending and receiving messages from a woman at work. I have snooped and messages are flirty to say the least. I’m getting more angry as this is going on and want to confront him but part of me wants something more concrete.

How much more concrete do you need than flirty messages? I'd confront him.

Anything that is flirty is cheating, you don't need anything more concrete, o understand why as men are fantastic at making it seem like nothing is wrong but it is. You can end your marriage for him flirting with other women, he's trying to get in her pants, if he hasn't already. Do t put up with it boot the cunt out.

I think only you know if you find the messages acceptable or not.
I know some people who are generally flirty people and their partners are not bothered by it as they see it as part of their personality. Others would definitely consider it disrespectful (or more) as they aren't really flirty at all.
Is it one way, or both? How flirty are the messages? Does he talk about her in conversation or avoid mentioning her.
It needs to be something that you are each aware of where the line is.

"I know that someone else has turned your head. Now that you know that I know, are you going to continue down that path, because if so, we need to discuss separation?"

OP, in my opinion, there is something pathetic about playing Sherlock Holmes in a relationship. When you are reduced to snooping, it is time to be upfront about what you have done, and how you are interpreting what you have seen.

Flirty is one of those things that can be in the eye of the beholder, but having seen something ,you should now say something.

If you do not want to be with a man that you think is cheating , you should make that clear. On the other hand , if he is not cheating, he may not want to be with a partner who snoops.

Whatever the resolution, it can only happen when you speak up. You are in a marriage; you are not in an evidentiary hearing. You do not need to sneak around looking for more evidence. No one is going to ask you to produce evidence.

If you want to play games, it seems to me that you can only further cheapen whatever relationship that you have He may or may not tell the truth , but that is always a possibility. Act in your own best interest because once you tell him your suspicions, he will certainly act in his best interest.

Nancy, take action now and confront your H.

He’s making a mockery of you by investing in an illicit relationship with this OW. They started a flirtation at work that has escalated to flirty messaging/EA territory or more. In my marriage, what you’ve seen would be considered cheating.

It’s clear that self-serving H has weak boundaries and is lapping up OW’s validation. This cake-eating is all about him, not about you and your marriage.

Tell him you’re not interested in continuing a farce of a marriage with a faithless fool. Consider sending him away while you think about your options.

Firstly, I’m sorry. I know how much it hurts to see this.

‘Snooping’ is a very natural thing to do when your gut tells you something is up, your sense of safety is being compromised, so you go looking to find out why, so don’t allow yourself to be dragged into worrying about that on here.

Your husband is the one in the wrong here. He is wilfully spending time and energy into making another woman feel good and validating himself. I made the mistake of being too nice and ‘understanding’ when this happened to me. I had what I thought was a reasonable conversation about boundaries, it failed miserably.

Be absolutely clear that this is unacceptable. That he is investing time in another woman and this crosses a line in the sand for you. I completely agree with @MsDogLady. As they work together I would also suspect more so be prepared emotionally.

💐

I'm so sorry. Ideally what do you want to happen? Let's say he admits there's more to it than messages... would he need to leave his job and go to relationship counselling for you to remain married? I would think about your end point before saying anything.

He is likely to minimise so you need to know what you want to hear. Your default needs to be mistrust now.

Hi op my ex dp did this I found out and stayed with him after he promised to never do it again. but honestly you will never trust him again every time he has his phone in his hand you will be suspicious. the trust has gone please leave now instead of being unhappy. it took me 7 years to leave it hate away at my happiness and MH please don't be me.

Sorry OP. Flirting repeatedly one women, secretively in private, is more than just enjoying a bit of private banter. It’s heading somewhere.

Whatever gave you cause to snoop, something has caused you to stop trusting him. What triggered that?

Fact of the matter is if you confront him you may not be sure he has stopped flirting or cheating. If he wants the flirting to continue, it will. And it can escalate secretly once he knows you’ve rumbled him. I think it depends what he’s like - do you think he’d go to the trouble of hiding an affair? I genuinely know aa few people who like that feeling of flirting but love the security of their main relationship . But if he’s not that guy, aand that’s not what your relationship is like, then yes you have a problem.

I get why you want something more concrete, concrete makes a really difficult choice more cut and dried. But you might not find it, it might be that this series of flirty texts is all there is. In which case, you have to ask yourself where you stand on them alone.

It would be my plan to play a long game & gather evidence. I don’t give a toss about this snooping lark. I’d do what I felt I needed to do. My antennae would be up and I would be watchful.

There’s a lot of sense spoken on this thread so you have to do what fits best with your temperament. For me it would be long and slow and I’d try to obtain tangible evidence so that the confrontation could not be gas-lit because the evidence is there.

Trouble is, the airing needs to have aback up plan. Believe him if he says “it’s over” or he’ll stop it and you go forward with him trying to trust him or you resolve to leave him because you can’t live with what’s been going on and might do again.

I wish you wisdom and strength to do what is best for you.

I echo this.

Sounds like he's in the early stages of an emotional affair and it could result in it being physical

I'd confront him now, tell him you've seen the messages, they are unacceptable and disrespectful to you, ask him what he's planning to do? His reaction will tell you all you need to know. If he apologises , realises he's been a twat and cuts contact then you, at least have a chance of salvaging the relationship. If he says he's doing nothing wrong and they are 'just good friends' and he won't cut contact then he's choosing his relationship with her over his relationship with you .

My ex (a woman) played down her relationship with another man for a couple of years, until I finally found out by chance their relationship was physical.

It’s not just men who pull the wool over peoples eyes

We know that but it's hardly relevant here is it.

Erm, did anyone say otherwise? Or are you just mansplaining to us that women can cheat too?

I always feel the narrative of "what to do when you discover cheating" on here is so flawed, and possibly leads to more harm. I'm no expert but keen to hear what people think.

If your head has been turned out of your marriage, you have a load of limerance and hormones that you may not have felt for years. It is very, very hard to rationalise this away and "just stop" the cheating/EA/flirting/escalation of flirting.

The cheating spouse has made huge errors and probably ignored their own feelings for years. And now has fucked up massively. But will feel in a corner because they can't, emotionally, return to the trusting marriage which in some ways wasn't meeting their needs, and can't atone for their shame and guilt either.

The people saying "just tell him to stop it or you'll leave" I think haven't an idea of the kind of careful unpicking it all needs. Therapy is right. Boundaries for what you yourself will tolerate are right.

But a narrative of vengeful punishment jd expecting a straying spouse to just realise they're wrong and take it on the chin...doesn't leave you with a happy marriage. And I think often these things, if caught in the early stages, are chances for both spouses to grow - but it needs a fuckton of consideration and maturity.

I think some people get whisked away by the fantasy and all the feelings that come from that. When found out they have a few choices, sometimes it snaps them out of it, they feel ashamed and will do whatever they can, off their own back, to rebuilt the relationship. I think this is the only way a relationship can properly heal from a head turn. Or they minimise it, say it's just friends and carry on, this to me shows that person as someone who's inherently selfish, and I'd be questioning my relationship with that person and if I wanted to continue.

The problem with even just flirting, is that, for the partner, it's incredibly hurtful and shows a capacity for deceit which is very difficult to move past

That's true, if someone can snap themselves out, it can work. I am kind of impressed by someone who could, though, without outside help. I certainly couldn't and neither could my DH. I think it's likely if you've run away from problems into the fun new ego stroky thing, you're unlikely to be the type of person who can. But that's bleak and you're probably right, a sharp shock can help some people check themselves. As long as, as you say the spouse who hasn't strayed is able to work through a load of shit- shit that they never asked for.

Thank you all for your responses and advice. I’m going to bide my
time and gain more evidence before I confront him, that way he can’t wriggle out of it.

I could have wrote this, my ex of 23 years had an EA with my friend, a proper attempt to get her into bed, destroyed me in the process. 4 years later we have just split up, not just over that but i never trusted him again, i always felt sick when his phone kept going off, i am 99% sure he had no contact with EA partner but there is always other women

It kills your mental health and self worth, i wish i had not taken him back, we would be 4 years down the line, after 8 weeks him leaving and 2 weeks of it pretty much ending he is now living with the woman he had an EA with.

My advice would be not to wait but to act otherwise they will be getting deeper and deeper into the EA.

What's flirty about the texts? They could just be friends. It is possible for men and women to be friends 🙄

@Nancy6 - it depends on what you want, really.
If it’s early flirting - you can nip it in the bud and shake up your relationship. Get talking about what is going on and why he is getting distracted.
If he hasn’t crossed the big red line that is.

If you are generally unhappy and want to end your marriage anyway - but think you need more justification - you can wait, obviously.
BUT - why waste time? You don’t need a justification to end a relationship.

The problem is cheaters lie & lie & lie. Even when you have evidence they will continue to lie. How he reacts when you say something will determine whether what the future will be. If he gaslights, shouts, deflects, turns it round on you then you have a major problem