Suspect DH cheating

[Nancy6]

Regular poster but name changed for this.
DH is sending and receiving messages from a woman at work. I have snooped and messages are flirty to say the least. I’m getting more angry as this is going on and want to confront him but part of me wants something more concrete.

This💯

I have confronted him about messaging his colleague from work and just mentioned that I’d noticed he’d been messaging her a lot and always talking about how good she is at her job etc. He has no idea I’ve seen messages. They have been placed together not sure how this has happened whether she has orchestrated it or him. He said they are just friends and explained how he does message other colleagues (male)it is slowly eating away at me and I find myself checking his messages which is kind of making me crazy. He’s lied to me about many things and this morning I just couldn’t bare to look at him. I’m financially secure so have no worries there. As much as I love him I just hate him too. How do I broach the subject of seeing the messages? I said when we had it out over a week ago would her partner be happy to see the messages and would he openly show me them and of course he failed to answer this question. He is all I have ever known since I was a teenager but I just can’t seem to see a way forward at all.

Focus on what it is you want.

Honesty? You don't have that.

Transparency? Nope.

Trust? It's fading?

Betrayal - do you feel betrayed?

It's time to sit down, tell him what you know, tell him how it's made you feel and if it's true, tell him that you're not sure about your relationship and marriage anymore.

He hasn't answered the question and it's driving you mental I think you need to be really clear either that you've seen the messages or ask him directly to see the messages. It's endgame scenario here, you already know the flirting is beyond comfortability, it either has to be out in the open (and the 2 of you deal with it however that goes) or I think this will just utterly corrode your marriage anyway. The only option is a full airing (I think)

I said I think we both deserve to be happy and if he wants to go , then to go. I said I’m not happy at the minute and everyone deserves to be happy. I said to him I’d split acrimoniously if it means we are both happy. I feel like I’m just there and convenient for him as everything is done and he doesn’t have to think about or do anything. He did stop the amount of messages once I had spoken to him but she does message him too. A lot of the time it is about work but quickly moves to innuendo etc. This morning it feels like something has just changed in me and I’m struggling to hold a conversation with him.

I meant amicably not acrimoniously. Please excuse this typing error.

I would text her off his phone and just say, "the content and volume of texts to my husband are wholly unprofessional and uncalled for, what does your husband/partner think about this?" - then I would screen shot the innuendo texts, send to her husband/ partner and throw your out. Give him something to think about and breathing space for you to make your decision.

He's a liar. You can't trust him anymore...

@Nancy6 Kindly, the only way to break the deadlock is to say what you've seen, and to tell him it's not ok with you. Either it ends and trust is rebuilt or he leaves. I can't see him admitting to it nor walking out on the basis of your suspicion.

What sort of things are they messaging? Do you think it's a bit of 'fun' or do you think it's more serious. By the way, I don't mean 'fun' texting is acceptable. If you don't like it, and he knows you wouldn't like it, then it needs to stop.
I'd be concerned that there might be a quick leap from 'fun' texting to making something happen in real life.

Nancy, your H’s infidelity is continuing, and things are escalating with their being put together at work. You need to draw a line and take definitive action. He’s making a mockery of you.

You’ve expressed your discomfort and unhappiness, yet H has has carried on with the flirty innuendo with OW. This is not a platonic friendship. His refusal to answer about the appropriateness of their messages or show them to you speaks volumes. He knows they would hurt you and her Partner, but hasn’t shut it down and doesn’t care that you’re unsettled. Their mutual gratification is his priority, and you can be sure their colleagues have noticed.

He treats you like an appliance and has ‘lied to you about many things,’ so this illicit relationship is just one more act of great disrespect and callous disregard.

Tell him that you needed the truth and have seen the messages. (Snooping is minor compared to his cheating.) He can cross boundaries with other women all he wants, but not while married to you. Send him away while you consider your options. He really does need to experience a consequence and feel the loss of you.

Nancy, you deserve much better than this liar and cheat who drags you down.

Take screen shots of messages you think cross the line, Print them out and sit him down to a have an open chat about them.

Does he message any other females that concern you or just this one person?

So more of an update! I have called him out on the constant messaging which he says is work related! He still doesn’t know I’ve seen them. He asked her to send some pictures as she was going out, but she didn’t. They are going to be working close together for example like paramedics once every few weeks. It was his birthday on Monday and we went out together it felt like an act. Then yesterday he brought home a card and box of chocolates from her for his birthday. But according to him nothing is going on they are just work mates. He really lost his temper today when I pulled up the card and gift and how he would not be happy if it was the other way round like a colleague buying me etc. I mean really lost his temper. He also said something like so you don’t trust me and I said no not really to which he replied well what’s the point of us being married. I’m really frustrated and finding things so difficult at the moment but feel like I can’t speak to anyone in real life. I kind of think I’m already emotionally checked out. Then I think of how we have had our ups and downs and if we can possibly get through this.

Oh OP. Calling him out just means more of the same. You have to accept he isn't going to stop. Nothing you say will make him stop. Your choice is accept it or end the marriage. Why would he end the marriage? You can't necessarily approach divorce like a team and agree it between you. Sometimes one of you has to make the move.

I assume he also asks the male colleagues he messages for photos when they go out?!?!

Why have you not told him you have seen the messages? I'm sorry you're going through this OP and it's a horrible situation for you to be in but not addressing the actual root cause of the problem, ie the content of these messages, his faithlessness, his dishonestly, is not going to fix it. He will keep passing it off as a platonic, matey, work friendship for as long as he can get away with it, and this will continue to eat away at you until you develop such contempt for him that your marriage will be unsalvageable. Please tell him you have seen the messages. Stop trying to prick at his conscience and giving him chances to stop and rip the plaster of his charade.

Nancy, you really do need to take a firm stand and confront your H about the totally unacceptable dynamic and content of the messages.

He is having an affair in plain sight and making a mug of you. As long as he believes you don’t know any specifics, he will continue to manipulate you with lies, denial and hostility to make you STFU and go back to your lane.

Things are escalating between them, as evidenced by the constant messaging, request for photos, and the birthday gift/card. His recent extreme anger shows that he is furiously protecting their illicit relationship.

Regarding the snooping: Do not apologize. Because of his behavior with this OW, you naturally became unsettled. He dismissed your concerns, and was silent when asked if the messages were appropriate for you and her H to see. You deserved to know the truth about your marriage and life, so took action to find it. You had the right to investigate.

Nancy, get angry and challenge him with the truth.

He really lost his temper? Was he aggressive towards you? Are you safe?

He is having or is about to have an affair.

I'm so sorry.

@MsDogLady I got angry and challenged him! We had another argument the other day where he was denying everything again saying he’s sick of being accused and it’s in my head etc and I snapped! The night before I screenshot the messages and sent them to myself. I said I have seen the messages. Let’s just say it took him by surprise. He still denying anything has actually happened and tried to pass it of as banter between work mates. He said it’s nothing and I’m overthinking it. I have told him I’m not putting up with this anymore. He said he was going to leave work if that’s what I wanted to save the marriage. Once I said I didn’t want that to happen he then suggested trying to change shifts so he’s not with her. This was his way of saying he will do what I want to put my mind at rest, yet I believe it’s for his benefit.

I’ve been where you are- I am now divorced and he is living with her.
Trust your gut, it won’t fail you.

Ask him if he asks his male colleagues to send him pictures when they are going out.

See what he says.

Then point out if he wouldn't send them to other colleagues they aren't work messages are they.

Er, he offered to leave and you said no? Tell him you have changed your mind and you do need him to leave.

Then watch the True Him reveal itself - for better or worse.

I agree. I'd say actually I've given it some serious thought and I think you're right, that would be for the best. Watch him back peddle and get nasty, showing you how much she means to him.

He’s still denying anything has actually happened and tried to pass it off as banter between work mates. He says it’s nothing and I’m overthinking it.

No, plenty of infidelity has already occurred.

Nancy, well done for confronting H with evidence of his emotional affair with a sexual element: the lying, constant contact, flirting, innuendo, gifts, and requests for photos. It’s quite pathetic that he grasped for the Script to downplay his disloyalty as ‘banter’ and accuse you of overreacting. He is unremorseful and a very poor bet for successful reconciliation.

If you are going to stay with him, he needs to change jobs. Any reputable relationship counselor would strongly advise going NC with OW. This is a standard requirement in affair recovery. Tell H that you’ve changed your mind. He must also:
*Accept total responsibility for pursuing OW
*Explore his selfishness and vulnerability to illicit gratification that enabled him to cheat and lie
*Come clean with the full story and patiently answer all your questions—there will be more than you’ve seen, as they are together in person
*Provide open access to devices and statements

Nancy, he has put OW first, protected their affair, and gaslit you time and time again. He still is. Isn’t it time to show him the door?