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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Depressed husband has left me

66 replies

Helpots · 03/05/2023 12:13

Hi this is my first post, but I’m in a desperate position.

Been with H for 13 years, lived together for 8, married for 4 years. I’ve a 20 year old who lives between home and uni who he’s helped me raise since she was 7, she refers to him as dad.

We’ve argued throughout the relationship - H has issues in relation to his childhood and a difficult relationship with his mum. He’s suffered with depression throughout our relationship.

we started TTC in May 2015, it’s been a horrendous battle which we have failed at. It’s likely due to me having blocked tubes (I’ve a lot of gynae problems).

we have been back and to to the fertility clinic, and we were hoping to have one last go in summer 2022 (I’m 43, H is 44). H started making noises in July that he was thinking he was too old, but we’d give it one last shot, before shouting at me during an argument in august that he was no longer prepared to do it. And we have escalated at that point

we have literally argued almost every day, it’s become verbally toxic and lately we’ve become physical to one another with pushes, shoves, and grabbing - he pushes his face into mine, scaring me, and so I slap his face away

he left in January for a trial separation, came back 4 weeks later for our daughters birthday, then left again after 4 weeks. Throughout the time since august, he’s been interchangeable about wanting to be with me, wanting to save the marriage but has told me constantly that he still loves me and was still telling me that he loved me ‘deep down’ 2 days before he left

he’s now cut all communication with me, I have to contact him through our Daughter. He’s been round a few times but he is verbally aggressive towards me and just seems to want to unleash all of his pent up anger on me.

he’s now telling me he hasn’t loved me for a while and I can’t accept this. He’s told me he’s had a breakdown and it is clear to all that he is unwell and unhappy.

he’s back living with his mum. He’s refusing to give me the money to start the divorce. He’s refusing to put the house on the market until our DD finishes uni next year. Saturday just gone, he told me that it’s over, but he’s not ready for divorce and ‘needs time and space.’

the irony is that his mental health has massively impacted me, I’m in a terrible state and getting support from MH services and counselling

just wondering whether anyone else has been in this position, and what the outcome is - I’m not deluded so much as to think he can come back and it will be rosey but want to know why he’s not ready to move on when it’s his decision and whether his feelings may return if he’s given this ‘space’

sorry for lengthy post but I’m desperate and heartbroken - he’s been so loving, and a really good family man, I can’t accept this

OP posts:

NewtonsCradle · 03/05/2023 12:21

I don't think you can carry on in a situation where you are being physical with each other. Can you get your dh to go to counselling and try to separate out what the problems are? If he won't get help I think you have to decide to get on with your life without him. Stay strong.

Motnight · 03/05/2023 12:24

You can't come back from being physically abusive with each other.

Stop allowing your adult child to be used as some sort of go between and plan for divorce.

It all sounds horrendous, good luck Op.

Original poster

Helpots · 03/05/2023 12:27

I appreciate that it was escalating and there's never been violence before; I think we're both so angry at the infertility and he's had a pent up rage for years over his childhood issues.

We've tried counselling, one session and that's when he moved back in in February

Late 2021/early 2023 I felt as though I wanted to end us, and that I didn't love him - he kept getting drunk and then being verbally abusive towards me. At times he'd start when sober, he's a very unhappy man but he's also a very good man when 'himself' otherwise I wouldn't be putting myself through this.

Anyway last year, he promised to change and he made sure that we had a lovely summer from April up to the stuff hitting the fan in august

He tells me he doesn't love or like himself. I encouraged him to go to counselling back in July to confront his issues with his mum, but he never did confront her and instead, he's turned on me exclusively

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpots · 03/05/2023 12:30

@Motnight I'm not ready for divorce. I don't know where my husband has gone to, he's changed so much. I'm a strong advocate of never going back once the physical abuse starts but I love the man he's always been, I miss him and our life and I just want to try and get through this - what if he's pushing everything away because of his mental health?

OP posts:

27penny · 03/05/2023 12:39

Sounds horrific and you should count yourself lucky you didn't bring a baby into it. The fertility issues didn't cause that behaviour.. the potential was always there. Ye need a divorce like yesterday

NewtonsCradle · 03/05/2023 12:42

I wonder if he's trying to give you reasons to leave. He might feel responsible for not giving you the baby he thinks you want? I think counselling is needed to figure out what's his childhood stuff, what's the drinking and what's his feelings about not having a biological child... And only then his feelings about your marriage! No easy answers to be had so maybe he's trying to make it simple by getting you to end it? It's a situation that needs a lot of thought, try and look at it without all the emotion. If you were talking to a friend in this situation what would you be saying to her?

Orangesandlemons77 · 03/05/2023 12:57

I don't think mental health is ever an excuse for physical abuse and aggression.
It all seems to be about him and what he wants. What about you? I would be looking to make a fresh start.

Original poster

Helpots · 03/05/2023 13:17

TBH all I want is my H back and for us to resolve these issues. I'm so lost without him and when our DD is back at uni, I'm bereft with all the memories in our home.

I don't understand how he can have been telling me he still loves me but then tell me he doesn't. I don't understand how he can be wanting this over with, but also refusing to move forward and telling me he needs his space and time.

I adore this man; we've been through so much together and the person he is now is not the person that he really is.

He's had huge insecurities all of his life about whether or not he was wanted as a baby, this has caused problems with his mum and I appear to be bearing the brunt of it. We were getting things back on track up until July/august when his mum treated him awfully on his birthday, he came to me upset asking me if I thought she resented him - I told him that there was a problem, that it was affecting his entire life and he needed to have it out with her. He agreed and went to counselling to build up to telling her, but never really did but instead, has turned verbally vicious towards me.

I feel as those I'm the target for all his 44 years of rage, frustration and self-hatred.

I just want to be me/us/him again and get him through these issues

OP posts:

Temporaryname158 · 03/05/2023 13:20

Why don’t you have access to money to start the divorce?

he is being physically aggressive. Don’t get back with him. File for divorce, you aren’t his mum and not responsible for his health, only your own.

NewtonsCradle · 03/05/2023 13:24

You are upsetting yourself by living in a museum. Paint a room to look different, rearrange the furniture, make your environment a happy place for you. You deserve to have some enjoyment and positivity in your life.

Pinkdelight3 · 03/05/2023 13:24

I'm a strong advocate of never going back once the physical abuse starts but I love the man he's always been

You must see - there's no caveat here. You can't override being a strong advocate in your situation because love. The physical abuse is untenable. The man he always has been is the man who is doing it. You even say he's always had these issues and now you're bearing the brunt of it. That doesn't change and he goes back to how things were once upon a time. It's very hard to accept it's over and it will be a long road, but you're already some way down it and need to get help and keep going, not try to turn the clock back futilely.

Flowertight · 03/05/2023 13:25

Why are you so sure who he was before is this real him? Perhaps he was playing along and this is the real him? Either way, your relationship is over it seems whether you want it to be or not

Original poster

Helpots · 03/05/2023 13:26

I feel so weak and pathetic. Last year I was ready to walk, I'd had enough. And then we had a wonderful summer after he put a lot of hard work in, and I'm more in love with him than ever - wishing I'd have walked now so I don't feel like this but wishing isn't going to change anything.

I'm not ready for divorce yet

OP posts:

Flowertight · 03/05/2023 13:32

But people shouldn’t have to work hard to be a decent person. He obviously couldn’t hack the pretence of it.

I don’t know why you keep saying you’re not ready for divorce. Usually the person who’s being left isn’t ready - that’s the nature of it. But it doesn’t change it. I’ve been through it as have millions of others.

You’re not weak and pathetic you just need to find your strength and self respect.

Original poster

Helpots · 03/05/2023 13:36

Another ridiculous aspect of this is that I went to see a psychic on Friday night, who was spot on about him and our relationship and then repeatedly told me that he's had a nervous breakdown, is in a bad place but that he's definitely come back to me in time, that I have to be patient. And because she's told me what I wanted to hear, I'm relying on her

I'm such a mess at the moment, mentally, emotionally, physically. I've lost over a stone since he left because I can't eat.

The first 2 weeks he left, he wouldn't tell me that it was over, was just telling me he didn't love me, his feelings had changed and that he needed 'space' to work out whether he missed me

His mums told me he's unhappy, my daughter said he's hardly himself and told her he misses her. He came into our home whilst I was out (by invitation) the other day to get suitcases out of the loft for my DD and myself and when I got home, he'd closed all of the doors like he's knows I like them to be closed and put the bins out - why do that if he doesn't care about me?

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpots · 03/05/2023 13:39

My counsellor, dad, best mate and daughter have all told me to give him space and see if he comes round in time. My dads quite clear that he seems to not know what he wants and to just leave him alone in the hope that he might realise in time

OP posts:

HappiestPenguin · 03/05/2023 13:43

Sorry OP but it sounds like I love you but I’m not in love with you.
This combined with moving out, not wanting a divorce. Blowing hot and cold last summer. Picking fights. Depression. Hating himself. Etc. Is there definitely not another person in the wings?

usererror99 · 03/05/2023 13:44

Don't pursue having a child with this man. Success rates for IVF aside at age 43 which I'm sure you are aware are so low they aren't any better than trying naturally it doesn't sound like your relationship as it stands could withstand that kind of pressure and stress nor could it withstand it if it actually worked and you had a newborn. For all your sakes walk away nothing good can come from staying together from the sounds of it?

Original poster

Helpots · 03/05/2023 13:44

I can't comprehend or accept that the person I've spent 13 years of my life with, made a supposed lifelong commitment to just 4 years ago, who I've put my body through operations and drugs TTC, restricted my career to fit in around baby plans - how can he just abandon me and act as if I never/don't exist?

I have literally cried every day since august over this situation. I'm so scared for the future. I used to be so confident and loved myself so much and now I just feel as though everything is pointless and futile

OP posts:

Original poster

Helpots · 03/05/2023 13:47

@HappiestPenguin I've asked myself this, I've asked him, he assures me there isn't but you can never say never. He's never been that interested in women tbh, think he'd only had a few relationships before us, he's not got a great libido (I've put down to the depression, but it's made me feel wretched at times) and he never makes comments about women on the telly etc. I've even asked him whether he may be gay, he's been that withdrawn, but he's denied this. For years I've been telling him that I know he doesn't find me attractive which he denies, but actions speak louder than words

OP posts:

HappiestPenguin · 03/05/2023 13:48

I forgot to say - One piece of advice I rely on ‘if it doesn’t make sense there’s usually a piece of information missing’.

Google the 180. He may not be ready to divorce but you need a plan. He needs to know that although you WANT you marriage to succeed at some point you will pull the plug and then he doesn’t get to come back. Sadly this may be the best way of saving it. You need to think about you and your dd. Baby steps but focus on you.

mae2014 · 03/05/2023 13:49

OP, take a moment to breathe.

Things will be ok.

It might just be that he needs space. Put it this way - if he was adamant about it, he would have wanted to go ahead with the divorce proceedings and would be telling you its absolutely over.

The best thing you can do is take time out and work on yourself a little bit whilst he's given time in the background to miss you,

Baby steps, go on a walk, have a bath, do your hair, something that'll give you even .5% of a push.

I know you'll want to scream and shout and cry, by all means - do this. But recognize for this to have any chance of a future you HAVE to be the best version of yourself, maybe then itll show him who he fell in love with.

You've got this and we are all here xx

Original poster

Helpots · 03/05/2023 13:53

Thank you - it really doesn't make sense and I'm torturing myself - we were getting on great again until the incident with his mum on his birthday and I wonder whether because I've affirmed his beliefs that I don't think she treats him right, and like her other children, that he's now directing all of his anger and vitriol towards her towards me? If that Mayes sense

He's also told me that he's 'had legal advice' but then confirmed to me that he hasn't instructed solicitors

He's told me that he's at peace in his mums spare room where he spends most of his time when he's not at work (his mum and DD have told me this too) and doesn't want to interact or socialise with anyone. The only people he seems to be seeing are our daughter, his workmates and football 'friends' - I really think he's had a breakdown

OP posts:

HappiestPenguin · 03/05/2023 13:54

Helpots - I may be flamed for this but I’d be surprised if there isn’t someone in the wings. I hope I’m wrong but it doesn’t make sense. The missing info may be a person shaped piece of puzzle. Sadly, looking at friends, it often is.

Look up signs of cheating and see what you think. People always have time. Be it in person or on online. Don’t assume there is no time. He won’t tell you the truth, he wants his options open and to cheat you have to be okay at lying and sneaking around. Plus he doesn’t want to be a bad guy. I’m hoping I’m wrong.

Take care of yourself.

Ofcourseshecan · 03/05/2023 14:00

Helpots · 03/05/2023 13:26

I'm not ready for divorce yet

OP, please please stop trying to revive your dream of a happy marriage with this man. It’s a fantasy. It will go on hurting you till you end it. Yes you have had happy times, but nowhere near enough to outweigh the years of abuse.

He may make the huge effort and be nice to you again for a while, but as always it won’t last long. You’ve got so used to this dreadful life that you can no longer see how awful it is. Please don’t go on accepting these little scraps of happiness.

He says he wants to divorce, but he continues the abuse by making you hang around until he deigns to get it started. I hope you will make the decision and start divorce proceedings. Your first step towards freedom. You dread it now, but when you look back you’ll ask yourself why you didn’t do it earlier.

Best of luck, OP.

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