Depressed husband has left me

[Helpots]

Hi this is my first post, but I’m in a desperate position.

Been with H for 13 years, lived together for 8, married for 4 years. I’ve a 20 year old who lives between home and uni who he’s helped me raise since she was 7, she refers to him as dad.

We’ve argued throughout the relationship - H has issues in relation to his childhood and a difficult relationship with his mum. He’s suffered with depression throughout our relationship.

we started TTC in May 2015, it’s been a horrendous battle which we have failed at. It’s likely due to me having blocked tubes (I’ve a lot of gynae problems).

we have been back and to to the fertility clinic, and we were hoping to have one last go in summer 2022 (I’m 43, H is 44). H started making noises in July that he was thinking he was too old, but we’d give it one last shot, before shouting at me during an argument in august that he was no longer prepared to do it. And we have escalated at that point

we have literally argued almost every day, it’s become verbally toxic and lately we’ve become physical to one another with pushes, shoves, and grabbing - he pushes his face into mine, scaring me, and so I slap his face away

he left in January for a trial separation, came back 4 weeks later for our daughters birthday, then left again after 4 weeks. Throughout the time since august, he’s been interchangeable about wanting to be with me, wanting to save the marriage but has told me constantly that he still loves me and was still telling me that he loved me ‘deep down’ 2 days before he left

he’s now cut all communication with me, I have to contact him through our Daughter. He’s been round a few times but he is verbally aggressive towards me and just seems to want to unleash all of his pent up anger on me.

he’s now telling me he hasn’t loved me for a while and I can’t accept this. He’s told me he’s had a breakdown and it is clear to all that he is unwell and unhappy.

he’s back living with his mum. He’s refusing to give me the money to start the divorce. He’s refusing to put the house on the market until our DD finishes uni next year. Saturday just gone, he told me that it’s over, but he’s not ready for divorce and ‘needs time and space.’

the irony is that his mental health has massively impacted me, I’m in a terrible state and getting support from MH services and counselling

just wondering whether anyone else has been in this position, and what the outcome is - I’m not deluded so much as to think he can come back and it will be rosey but want to know why he’s not ready to move on when it’s his decision and whether his feelings may return if he’s given this ‘space’

sorry for lengthy post but I’m desperate and heartbroken - he’s been so loving, and a really good family man, I can’t accept this

You deserve better op 💐

@BlackPhillipsCheese I'm actually a divorce lawyer! Which is making this all so much more difficult. I've had to take time off work because there's no escape. And in all my time of practicing, I've never heard anything like my situation before

@Trixibella thank you - I'm so furious as I've always been strong and independent and so much confidence but now, I don't know myself any more, I've no strength and i'm destroyed

OP, you said “I adore this man; we've been through so much together and the person he is now is not the person that he really is.”

The person you have been experiencing is who he really is. You say he is not like that where is in a good place or “himself” but that doesn’t really matter. Our personalities are made up of all the different moods we have, and the way we behave when life isn’t going our way, when we are not getting what we want, when we get frustrated as others aren’t doing as we want of meeting our needs in the ways we think they should.

This is all him. I’m sure he is a “good” man in many ways and has treated you well and is always sometimes manipulative and cruel in others.

It’s not working. You aren’t happy and you aren’t okay. You are in love with the image of who he can be and who you think he should be, if he wasn’t a depressive and if he was able to get over his childhood, if he would accept more support etc etc etc

But it isn’t reality. Your reality with him right now, and the way he is actually behaving, is horrible.

Also, your daughter is your daughter. He isn’t her dad. He is manipulating and damaging her right now, get a stop put to that immediately.

Getting to an Al-anon meeting could be a brilliant start for your OP. He doesn’t need to be what people might consider to be a full-blown alcoholic for you to attend, his behaviour has been problematic when drinking and that’s enough.

There you might start to recognise and understand your feelings of accepting abusive behaviour and wanting to save another person.

he abused you physically and maybe if you have zero money, financially too. Get yourself in touch of Women's Aid and lawyer up. Take control and stop being a victim. And I would be shocked if there is not someone new he has his eye on.

Why does he need to send you the court fee to start the divorce? If I were you, I'd consider it a small price to pay for starting to get out of the limbo he's left you in. It must be hard, but he's been showing you who he really is (or who he is now), for a while.

You sound very needy and dependant on him, you need to listen and respect his choices. Why do you need him to give you money for the divorce? Start proceedings yourself.

I can see why so many posters here think that divorce is the way to go, that he may be alcoholic / abusive / have another woman etc. etc. People on here have their own experience and therefore biases.
But don't jump to conclusions.

Look at it this way - it doesn't matter right now if you are going to get divorced eventually or not. That is not the priority. It is a legal step that can come later, if it comes at all.

What matters firstly is the money situation - if he stays away for months, how are the bills getting paid? Is he paying into a joint account to meet direct debits? Are you working? Have you got enough money to get by for a while?
If not, then unfortunately you may have to contact him about money. If you can get by for now then DON'T CONTACT HIM. AT ALL. JUST DON'T DO IT.

You need to live as if you were widowed.
By which I mean - think about yourself and building up your own life again. What is your own life? What are your interests? Who are your friends? Are you happy with your work? Are you happy with your responsibilities? How you spend your time?

Become the person you want to be, as an individual.
Then later on, however far in the future that is, you can consider the relationship.

I should add - if you have no access to money, and he has lots, then that suggests financial abuse. In which case, yes divorce him immediately.

Has he seen a gp? Sounds like he needs some ssris

I'm sorry I don't think you want to hear this, but I think he is mixed up about the thought of him not having a biological child, your relationship had become toxic, and he may possibly be cheating or at least intending to 'try' dating with a view to children.

The ONLY way you have any chance of getting him back is to tell him it's over for you too and act like it is and that you have decided to move on. No matter how you really feel.

Seriously. That is your only chance.

It would make me feel really insecure though even if that worked, because I'd be waiting on him to do it again, but if you want him back that's what you need to do.

Re the 'psychic' - of course she told you what you wanted to hear. That's what you were paying her to do, to make yourself feel better. These people are clever at asking the right questions, reading body language and tone of voice. Please step away from plausible con artists and seek therapy.

You're with a man who has failed or refused to seek professional help for his own mental health and childhood trauma needs, does not want a baby, has been violent towards you.

'But I love him ... ' Your poor daughter - what kind of image does she have in her mind of what relationships are, with two dysfunctional generations car crashing around her?

Agree. Sounds like the best outcome for all concerned

Sorry all, only just catching up. Today has been a more positive day (slightly). I’ve been reading back through old emails from early on in the year and we’ve both been so unkind to one another. He’s telling me he’s an ill man and I’m just not listening. Doesn’t excuse his behaviour towards me but I feel sad now that we could have perhaps worked better at this at the start

OP how are you? X