Depressed husband has left me

[Helpots]

Hi this is my first post, but I’m in a desperate position.

Been with H for 13 years, lived together for 8, married for 4 years. I’ve a 20 year old who lives between home and uni who he’s helped me raise since she was 7, she refers to him as dad.

We’ve argued throughout the relationship - H has issues in relation to his childhood and a difficult relationship with his mum. He’s suffered with depression throughout our relationship.

we started TTC in May 2015, it’s been a horrendous battle which we have failed at. It’s likely due to me having blocked tubes (I’ve a lot of gynae problems).

we have been back and to to the fertility clinic, and we were hoping to have one last go in summer 2022 (I’m 43, H is 44). H started making noises in July that he was thinking he was too old, but we’d give it one last shot, before shouting at me during an argument in august that he was no longer prepared to do it. And we have escalated at that point

we have literally argued almost every day, it’s become verbally toxic and lately we’ve become physical to one another with pushes, shoves, and grabbing - he pushes his face into mine, scaring me, and so I slap his face away

he left in January for a trial separation, came back 4 weeks later for our daughters birthday, then left again after 4 weeks. Throughout the time since august, he’s been interchangeable about wanting to be with me, wanting to save the marriage but has told me constantly that he still loves me and was still telling me that he loved me ‘deep down’ 2 days before he left

he’s now cut all communication with me, I have to contact him through our Daughter. He’s been round a few times but he is verbally aggressive towards me and just seems to want to unleash all of his pent up anger on me.

he’s now telling me he hasn’t loved me for a while and I can’t accept this. He’s told me he’s had a breakdown and it is clear to all that he is unwell and unhappy.

he’s back living with his mum. He’s refusing to give me the money to start the divorce. He’s refusing to put the house on the market until our DD finishes uni next year. Saturday just gone, he told me that it’s over, but he’s not ready for divorce and ‘needs time and space.’

the irony is that his mental health has massively impacted me, I’m in a terrible state and getting support from MH services and counselling

just wondering whether anyone else has been in this position, and what the outcome is - I’m not deluded so much as to think he can come back and it will be rosey but want to know why he’s not ready to move on when it’s his decision and whether his feelings may return if he’s given this ‘space’

sorry for lengthy post but I’m desperate and heartbroken - he’s been so loving, and a really good family man, I can’t accept this

Just read your update. Write down 20 things you enjoy. And make sure you do one each day. Simple pleasures. Cup of tea watching the birds in the garden. Sunrise with my dd. Walk before work. A Thursday evening swim. Meeting friend for a coffee. Library visit. Bubble bath. Old tv series. Gardening.
Exercise every day even if you don’t want to.
Then plan something nice to look forward to. A trip to the theatre or cinema. Or a walk on the beach. Or a picnic. Small moments that give you happiness.
Write down your feelings in a journal. Burn the page if you have to.

Why don’t you just give him some space which he clearly needs at the moment. This relationship does not sound healthy at all.

Thank you. I totally accept that it's not healthy at all at the moment, and we had to separate otherwise we would have destroyed one another. But for the majority of our relationship, he's been a brilliant partner and husband and father. My parents love him.

I'm in limbo as he continues with his 'space,' I'm looking for signs that we may be able to reconcile at some point, I don't think you can love someone when you don't like/love yourself?

I was left with a decision 3 years ago to tell him something I'd come across by accident and which I felt obliged to tell him, given he's my husband. It was to do with the identity he's always questioned - he struggled with this beforehand and then went to his mum for answers who shut him down and refused to give him the answers he needs. And it's since then that he's become verbally abusive, more so in drink. I've watched this man spiral and tried to help him but been pushed away to the point where he's now saying he doesn't love me

He's a very complex character, uncomfortable in his own skin, Always saying that he's alone in the world because you can only rely on yourself apparently

How long ago is it since he left? X

@mae2014 it'll be 6 weeks this Saturday. The first 2 weeks he wanted 'space' but wouldn't tell me why, or how long - then told me it was to see whether he missed me, that he had missed me for 2 days but then cos I'd made contact with him, he no longer missed me!

Just don't know what to make of it all.

In august, he insisted on us renewing the mortgage for 3 years and we discussed retirement plans with the mortgage advisor. At Christmas he sent me a lovely card saying that he loved me and hoped we could work through our problems and look to change in the new year.

We'd been TTC for 8 years, I thought we were working at it in January and then his sister became pregnant and I feel as though he's turned on me since then - he tells me that he's lost feelings for me since the beginning of the year - coincidentally since his sister announced her pregnancy. He's said in marriage counselling that he resents me for him not having his own baby

Whats the contact been like the last week or two? How frequent is it?
Sorry, just trying to suss out where his head might be! X

@mae2014 non-existent. He's blocked me, saying I wasn't giving him space (admittedly I wasn't, but I've never dealt with this before). I can message him on our 'family group' that the 3 of us have. I've sent him a few emails, he's replied only to say that he hasn't instructed solicitors (after telling me he was getting legal advice).

Spoke to him on Saturday when my daughter rang him - he was awful to me, I was calmly trying to tell him that if he's not coming back, I want the house on the market but he said no, not until our DD leaves uni next year. Also refused to send me the court fee to file the divorce - he's 'not ready for divorce yet' - then makes it clear that we're over but he needs space and time - what does any of that mean? Am I being stupid/deluded?

Throughout the past 8 months, he's told me many times that he 'wants out of the situation, not the marriage.'

He's shouted at me in arguments that he wants a divorce, then tells me he's only said that to shut me up/end the argument/to hurt me

I pointed out to him on Saturday that despite all of this, he was telling me he loved me up until 2 days before he left, and he went quiet

I've told him I still love him, deeply. His response is either that he doesn't love me, or that I can't possibly love him

He's said so many things to me these past 8 months then told me he's said it to hurt me - so part of me is thinking he's now telling me he doesn't love me just to hurt me and so he can leave our escalatingly toxic relationship

There's a book called "women who love too much" that I strongly recommend.

If I were you, as much as it's absolutely going to KILL you, try your absolute hardest to give him space and make no contact. Only THEN will he have the opportunity to really miss you, his anger will slowly subside and hopefully with that he might come around like he has the last few times. The more you push him the more he will back off, read up on the elastic band theory/man cave.

You have to just try your absolute hardest, and whilst you're doing that you need to really really really work on yourself and cool off xxxx

Thank you @mae2014 , I know this is the correct approach but I'm so anxious, lost and lonely without him. I am trying to avoid communicating with him but accidentally sent him an email today meant for someone else (he'd been copied in on the previous email thread) - he hasn't replied though.

Why can't I take the message? Is it because he won't finalise ending things?!

Mum with mummy issues are the worst, they will take out those issues on any woman they are with. OP men who are abusive aren’t abusive all the time, that’s why it’s called the cycle of abuse. Otherwise no body would stay. You can’t just think because he’s nice sometimes that makes him a good person, that’s all part of the manipulation.

I think the rejection is hugely triggering you and the fact you feel as though you have no control,
Try your absolute hardest to go no contact.
Do you work? Have many friends? I know keeping busy is the last thing on your mind - but throwing yourself into being distracted will help xxx

Oh my god why are you encouraging her to continue an abusive relationship with this man who takes out all his aggression on her?! OP has a trauma bond with this him, that doesn’t mean she should stay, it’s an unhealthy, abusive relationship.

OP I have speed read this thread and have questions because it all seems so sketchy.
Why do you need money from him to start divorce proceedings? Don't you have money of your own?
Is the house in both names as you seem to be saying it's his house?
If he has problems to do with his childhood why the hell is he back at his mothers house?

Thank you @Softoprider

I've only a little savings and I'm left with the responsibility to support myself and my daughter, I wasn't expecting this. He's a much higher earner than me and he wants the divorce, not me, so he should pay.

House is in joint names, so I need his permission to sell.

Re. His mums - he's nowhere else to go although I know he could afford a small private rent. There are huge problems between him and his mum, apparently he's spending all his time in 'his' room or away with work. They've a large house so it's easy to hide from her

@ily0xx that cycle of abuse fits me exactly but why do I still want him to return?! I love him and our life so much.

And it's him that's made the break this time and he isn't coming back.

I was sorry to read this. It does look to me as if he has burned his bridges here. Resorting to violence is never good. I get that he starts it and why shouldn't you push him away if he gets in your face but it's like the beginning of the end when that happens - he has no respect for you.
Stop worrying. Treat it like he has gone away for a while and enjoy the peace. I am sure when he decides what he wants he will make a move. It does look as if he thinks he holds all the cards and you are waiting on him.
Me? I wouldn't bloody wait. I would be telling him not to come back, but that is me. Your child deserves better than this as well OP

I’d look into trauma bonding, I’ve been in an abusive relationship with someone similar and it‘s hard to leave because of it, it’s really hard in the beginning but staying in the long run is so bad for you and your mental health.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/emotional-sobriety/202109/what-is-trauma-bonding

Op he’s seriously depressed and going through a breakdown by the sound of it. Aka severe clinical depression. He’s upset about the IVF and he has a serious issue with his mother. None of this allows him to be the partner you need atm.

It’s up to him to work on his issues. You can’t save him. I doubt whether he will
get better any time soon living back in his old bedroom either.

What would you advise your 20 year old dd to do if she were in this situation? Would you tell her to protect herself?

I think you have to leave him alone. Completely. It’s good you have posted here. But get some rl support for yourself. Do not chase him and stop contacting him. Your life is important too. Although you love him he can’t be a proper partner atm or make good decisions until his depression has been treated, and his other issues have been resolved. And the fact that things have become physically abusive is a massive red flag.

Do not allow yourself to be treated badly. Your daughter is watching how you handle this! Hard though it is, you need to model self respect and strong boundaries.

I'll be really really blunt: it sounds like he is keeping you on the hook while he looks for a younger woman to have kids with. If he can't find a suitable new relationship he will return to you and you will feel you've won the prize of a man who treats you badly. It's your choice how you live your life (not his). Do you really think he isn't being influenced by his mother and sister telling him how great having (biological) kids is? OP the underlying issue for you is about whether or not you want another child, make the decision about the marriage for yourself and please stop beating yourself up because you haven't done anything wrong.

Thanks @NewtonsCradle but that's not the case, it's him who decided he no longer wanted a baby, I initially tried to talk him round. He says he's too old now and that his mental health is too poor to bring a child into the world. Thank you anyway x

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@Shoelaceheaven thank you so much, that makes perfect sense - I'm just finding it so hard. I can't accept that he's purposely abusive, it's his mental health and background. I love him and miss him so much, my head feels numb with it all. I'm wondering whether if he ever recovers if he'll come back to me. But I can't wait forever and at the same time, don't want to end us and lose our beautiful home.

Thank you for your kind response x

I'm sorry op.

I think it would be worth you consulting a solicitor at this point to start looking at what % of marital assets you can expect in a divorce.

When you say he's a high earner, is he earning over £100k? Is the house fully paid off?

You can’t love someone back to you. You need to sort out your own self esteem - stop contacting him and give him half a chance to miss you. File for divorce - sod the initial charge, you can sort that out later.

take back control. This begging and pleading and saying how much you love someone is so off putting to them. It looks weak and they need strong. He’s behaved despicably. Don’t grovel. Grit your teeth and behave the way you would tell your best friend to behave.

You need to take control of the situation, you’re letting him take all your power. I feel like he’s used you as a punching bag so long your self esteem is through the floor. You need to start building your confidence again and you’ll soon see that he sounds like a waste of space. Think of your daughter, she’s witnessed this for years - she needs to see you rise up and be a strong woman.