Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Sister leaving BIL: I like BIL but DS doesn't want me to contact him

53 replies

extraordinarily · 01/05/2023 12:00

My sister DS married and had children very young, divorced and then in her 30s met BIL. He's a quiet, academic, gentle sort of man who took a while for me to get to know, but I've always liked him. He just gets on calmly with things and he's been an excellent stepdad to my niece and nephew who call him Dad. DS and BIL have been married more than 20 years. My DS has undergone a sea change in her life in the last few years. As she approached 50 she had a change of work direction and a makeover — a personal trainer, new hair and veneers, a new wardrobe — and with the confidence gained from that she found a new job which seems to suit her down to the ground. She now travels regularly and speaks in public. Her work has been published and publicised and within her own sphere she's become a bit of a name. It's been fantastic to see her come into her own. My BIL supported it all the way and is very proud of her, as am I.

BIL on the other hand has had a difficult few years. His mum died during Covid and BIL spent a lot of time supporting his dad, who is now in a care home. Around that time my sister started to complain about him — about him being dull, about the fact that he had prioritised his father over her. Her grumbling about him has carried on. She says he's no fun, he's not interested in a last-minute weekend in a 5* hotel in Venice, he doesn't want to learn to ski because he's got an injured knee, they had a beach holiday in the Caribbean and he didn't want to join in the dancing... Then in January this year BIL's brother committed suicide. I've seen him three times since then and he's heartbroken. But my sister has continued to complain about him and her lack of empathy has really troubled me. I've kept saying 'But his brother killed himself only a few weeks ago' and her reply has always been along the lines of 'but life has to go on.'

Yesterday she came to visit on her own and told me that for the last eight months she's been seeing someone new and she's in love and is leaving BIL. She's asked me not to judge her for this, she's had one foot out of the door of the marriage for several years and it's just coincidence that she's leaving him while he's grieving. She said she knows I get on with BIL but she doesn't want me to contact him.

I found myself crying in bed last night and have woken up feeling awful. I've known BIL more than 20 years and I'm fond of him. He's been like a brother to me at times. I'm also thinking about my niece and nephew, now in their 30s. Does my DS expect them to walk away from him too?

I love my sister, I get what she's saying — that if he hadn't been bereaved she would have left him now, so why change her decision because of him.

Has anyone else been through something similar? So many people I know are divorced and have siblings who are divorced but I've never known anyone who's seemed to be close to their in-laws. If you are, how did you manage to juggle your love for your sibling and your affection for their ex?

OP posts:

mondaytosunday · 01/05/2023 12:13

If she actually hasn't left him then she might not want you involved til she has.
So, until she actually leaves, do not contact him. When she has, then she has no control over what you do, and as she is the one who has cheated and you are close to him, then I don't see why you shouldn't contact him, but he might not want to have any contact with you, at least not initially. So a 'I'm sorry your marriage has ended and I'm here for you if you need to talk' message then leave it up to hiim.
As for her children, she can't dictate to them either.

HashtagShitShop · 01/05/2023 12:17

I'm sorry but your sister sounds like a self centered cow who looks out for herself and herself only. I wouldn't drop someone I loved and cared about and who felt the same about me at the word of someone who could treat others like she has and does.

TheIsaacs · 01/05/2023 12:22

So she’s been having an affair and priming herself to leave. Your BiL is presumably going to be devastated further after an already pretty shitty time of it.

I think I’d have to tell her what a nasty cow she actually is and support your bil despite her wishes.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 01/05/2023 12:27

I think I’d have to tell her what a nasty cow she actually is and support your bil despite her wishes

SIL won't listen to being told what OP thinks of her behaviour - she's having an affair and she has already happily rationalised her behaviour to herself. Agree with supporting the BIL - she doesn't get to decide who you can be friends with and who you have to cut off on her say so.

stepstepstep · 01/05/2023 12:36

My dad’s sister had an affair & left her husband. We still see all of them, her & new husband and her ex-husband as my parents always got on with him really well. He’s never remarried or even had a partner as far as I know. Nobody ever talks about it but I’m pretty sure she knows. It’s all very repressed and British, but I don’t think my dad should have had to give up his friend/BIL because of her decision.

TidyDancer · 01/05/2023 12:39

I absolutely would not be dictated to by your sister here. She has behaved terribly and she can't control your relationship with your BIL. She has the right to make her own decisions for her own life and you can make yours.

Original poster

extraordinarily · 01/05/2023 12:50

I feel as if my loyalties are totally split. I don't see my sister as the selfish cow others here do. I've seen her grow from a very young, struggling mum in an abusive relationship into someone of real power and authority and it's good to see how far she's come.

When they got married 20 years ago she really appreciated him for being calm and gentle and reliable. Over the years she's changed and he hasn't. So I do get that she would be happier with someone more dynamic and outgoing and up for adventure. And as she says, BIL could be mired in grief for years: suicide carries a horrible extra sting for those left behind.

She says that if the brother hadn't killed himself, they could have split up by now, amicably she thinks. She says life is too short: both our parents died before the age of 70 and she doesn't want to delay this new, possibly last stage of her life any longer. She says that if she stays she'd be miserable and living a lie and would make things worse for BIL, who's the kind of man who wouldn't want her to fake it.

I get it. He's the sort of philosophical person who, if he hadn't just had his brother kill himself, would probably have been able to deal with her leaving him in a grown-up manner. But at the moment he's already on his knees.

I found myself last night thinking that if my DS discourages people from contacting him, he might feel we've all abandoned him and he might do something stupid. It feels like an unbearable mess.

OP posts:

3FriendsAndADog · 01/05/2023 12:53

She is leaving him.
She has no say on who you talk or don’t talk to. Including her EXdh.

The only reason I can think about as to why she doesn’t want you to talk to him is because then the impact the separation will have in him will be obvious. And so will how badly behaved she was towards him (see the fact she never supported him through bereavement when he supported her with career change etc….)

Willmafrockfit · 01/05/2023 12:55

you should reach out to him, you have known him for more than 20 years i assume,

3FriendsAndADog · 01/05/2023 12:57

Btw, maybe she isn’t an awful person but she is someone who has grown and matured, someone who gained self confidence etc….
And she has changed and want something different.

All that is perfectly acceptable.

What IS a betrayal is her affair.
What is find crap is the ‘well he might never recover from his brother suicide so why would I stay?’

And she just cannot do is to tell you who you can talk to. That’s controlling. Even if it’s her EX.

Hazelnuttella · 01/05/2023 13:02

My Aunty and her DH split up about 10 years ago and she remarried. We still see ex DH as part of the family and keep in touch, go to visit etc.

However my Aunty was happy with this, was on good terms with ex and there was no infidelity so it’s a bit different.

Susieb2023 · 01/05/2023 13:03

Sorry but I know you don’t want to see this but your sister sounds AWFUL. I get the ‘we’ve changed grown apart’ stuff. But she’s been having an affair while he has been grieving his mum, supporting his dad and now going through the suicide of his brother. Can you imagine the trauma when he finds out all the times he reached out to her for support she was sneaking off to be with mr shiny?

My heart absolutely goes out to him.

Growing it to a selfish, entitled, piece of work is not personal growth I’d be proud of in a sibling.

I wouldn’t let he’d dictate my relationship with my BiL on top of all of that. She could take a running jump!

rwalker · 01/05/2023 13:05

Loose the sister and keep the BIL

WheelsUp · 01/05/2023 13:07

She's not unreasonable to have grown apart from her h.
Before her new found confidence, did she tell you what to do? She is unreasonable to tell you not to contact BIL when you'd like to. She's not unreasonable to not want to discuss him butI suspect that there's more to what she's said and that she doesn't want you to know more details about her nasty behaviour. (I bet it's not just 8 months ) Affairs often involve lots of lies and deception and her attitude towards her husband's last few years is callous. Somebody as nasty as her had clearly detached emotionally well before it all happened.

Original poster

extraordinarily · 01/05/2023 13:07

Yes, I've known him for nearly as long as she has. And I really am very fond of him. We've had quite a few extended family holidays together and he was always one of the early risers, like me. We've tidied up kitchens and pool areas and shopped for breakfast in Greece and Portugal and France on many an occasion.

I'm going to call him and arrange to meet. I feel the need to give him a big hug whether he wants one or not. My sister will be fine, BIL's the one I'm concerned about.

OP posts:

loislovesstewie · 01/05/2023 13:07

Growing apart is one thing. But what she has done is start an affair with all of the excitement that brings. In a few years it won't seem as exciting, not when she has to still do all the mundane stuff. I do get fed up with people who only leave when something 'better' appears on the horizon. In the mean time, as others have said, she can't dictate who you are friends with, or whether you can offer support to a person who is having, quite frankly, an awful time.

DucksNewburyport · 01/05/2023 13:11

So if she's happy and excited about her new life, do you know WHY she doesn't want you to contact him? It sounds like she still likes and respects him, so I don't understand why it would be a problem for her?

AnneShirleysNewDress · 01/05/2023 13:11

Sounds like she may not want him laying bare the the full extent of her behaviour.

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 01/05/2023 13:12

My sister cheated on BIL and left him.

BIL has been in the family for over 20 years and my sister leaving him didn't change that. He's still very close to my mother and other siblings, Inwasnt terribly close before they broke up but I'm just the same with him as I was before.

My sister doesn't get to dictate who we accept into our lives, he wasn't abusive or nasty. He didn't deserve to lose the us as part of my sister changing her life so he didn't.

I agree with PP, let the dust settle then get in touch and let him know you're still there and still consider him to be family if he needs you.

Original poster

extraordinarily · 01/05/2023 13:18

Littlelegs and all the others who've posted about staying in contact with in-laws post-divorce, thank you for your perspective. It's not something one hears discussed much.

I had a very good friend, not a lover, for years until we fell out very badly over whether men could change sex and become women. I don't believe they can, she does. Over the years I'd got to know her lovely mum and dad very well and we were fond of each other. My ex friend was very clear with them and me that we were not to have anything more to do with each other, but they insisted on staying in touch with me and we sometimes meet in secret! Crazy, isn't it?

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 01/05/2023 13:19

So she asked you not to judge her but she's had an affair and has also treated her husband with a total lack of empathy whilst he has been grieving and supporting his family. I would be judging her! She sounds a heartless cow and has no right to dictate who you speak to. I would ignore her and keep communicating with your brother in law, he needs kindness and support now more than ever.

Justalittlebitduckling · 01/05/2023 13:38

If you have been told not to judge her for having an affair, perhaps she shouldn’t judge you for staying in touch with BIL. If he wants to stay in touch, that is. It may be too painful for him.

DomPom47 · 01/05/2023 13:42

HashtagShitShop · 01/05/2023 12:17

Agree with this comment 100%

Justalittlebitduckling · 01/05/2023 13:42

Maybe start by writing him a nice letter. Tell him how sorry you are about the situation and all the things you value about him. His confidence will be rock bottom I imagine. Then maybe text and offer to meet him with your DP sometime when the dust has settled?

Smallyellowbird · 01/05/2023 13:47

Your poor BIL - glad you've decided to reach out to him, your sister doesn't get to dictate who you talk to, and he needs your support now and she doesn't.

Flip

1 2 3