My sister DS married and had children very young, divorced and then in her 30s met BIL. He's a quiet, academic, gentle sort of man who took a while for me to get to know, but I've always liked him. He just gets on calmly with things and he's been an excellent stepdad to my niece and nephew who call him Dad. DS and BIL have been married more than 20 years. My DS has undergone a sea change in her life in the last few years. As she approached 50 she had a change of work direction and a makeover — a personal trainer, new hair and veneers, a new wardrobe — and with the confidence gained from that she found a new job which seems to suit her down to the ground. She now travels regularly and speaks in public. Her work has been published and publicised and within her own sphere she's become a bit of a name. It's been fantastic to see her come into her own. My BIL supported it all the way and is very proud of her, as am I.
BIL on the other hand has had a difficult few years. His mum died during Covid and BIL spent a lot of time supporting his dad, who is now in a care home. Around that time my sister started to complain about him — about him being dull, about the fact that he had prioritised his father over her. Her grumbling about him has carried on. She says he's no fun, he's not interested in a last-minute weekend in a 5* hotel in Venice, he doesn't want to learn to ski because he's got an injured knee, they had a beach holiday in the Caribbean and he didn't want to join in the dancing... Then in January this year BIL's brother committed suicide. I've seen him three times since then and he's heartbroken. But my sister has continued to complain about him and her lack of empathy has really troubled me. I've kept saying 'But his brother killed himself only a few weeks ago' and her reply has always been along the lines of 'but life has to go on.'
Yesterday she came to visit on her own and told me that for the last eight months she's been seeing someone new and she's in love and is leaving BIL. She's asked me not to judge her for this, she's had one foot out of the door of the marriage for several years and it's just coincidence that she's leaving him while he's grieving. She said she knows I get on with BIL but she doesn't want me to contact him.
I found myself crying in bed last night and have woken up feeling awful. I've known BIL more than 20 years and I'm fond of him. He's been like a brother to me at times. I'm also thinking about my niece and nephew, now in their 30s. Does my DS expect them to walk away from him too?
I love my sister, I get what she's saying — that if he hadn't been bereaved she would have left him now, so why change her decision because of him.
Has anyone else been through something similar? So many people I know are divorced and have siblings who are divorced but I've never known anyone who's seemed to be close to their in-laws. If you are, how did you manage to juggle your love for your sibling and your affection for their ex?