Horrible argument

JulieLikesTulips · 2023-05-01T09:03:25+00:00

I typed a long post and deleted it as I was rambling. My DH has shouted at me over something really small, I pushed past him to put food in the food bin and he shouted at me so much I was in tears. I feel really shaken by being shouted at like that. I’m tired and feel completely taken for granted. He keeps shouting that I’m rude and mannerless and like a three year old. I don’t want to be spoken to like this. It feels really over the top. Maybe I’m in the wrong.

Eggseggseverywhere · 01/05/2023 10:05

He is a twat.
Leave and take your dc away from him before he gets violent..

wombridgewalkabout · 01/05/2023 10:10

He’s a bully and abusive and you will eventually be completely destroyed by this. There will be nothing of you left. You will be hyper vigilant all the time scanning for threat. It will effect every part of your life, not just this relationship.

He has utter contempt for you. You can’t live like this.

If you don’t have kids, leave quickly. It’s easy without kids. If you do have kids it may take a little more planning, but leave as soon as you can.

Original poster

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 10:17

I pushed past him though. He keeps shouting that I’m in the wrong and making excuses and am rude and didn’t say excuse me. Maybe he’s right. I can’t think straight this morning. I feel really shaken but maybe I’m in the wrong.

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Original poster

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 10:21

I didn’t tell him I’ve posted here but I’ve told him it’s abusive and bullying and he shouts at me. I’ve told him the children saw immediately what had happened and he says I’ve trained them. I really haven’t trained them. They’re teenagers. They tiptoe round him too.

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ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 01/05/2023 10:22

Maybe you shouldn't have pushed past him.
However his reaction is totally disproportional.
I can tell you it gets worse. My husband has always been so quick to fly off the handle at the slightest thing. He's just got ragey at the laptop/online banking and properly shouted and stormed off. He's sorted it now in 2 mins and is fine. But it isn't fine. Every time that kind of stuff happens I am in disbelief that I've subjected my kids and me to this life.
It's easy to say leave, but you do deserve more than this. It isn't rational grown man behaviour.
But leaving is so, so hard as well. Are you able to sit and talk about your feelings with him? Does he listen?

Cheeseandlobster · 01/05/2023 10:23

Do you push past him a lot though? My dp sometimes does this and it's incredibly rude, like I don't even exist. It's rude and disrespectful as it only takes seconds to say excuse me. Why didn't you say excuse me or even gently move him out of the way?

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 01/05/2023 10:23

My kids are younger but they wall on eggshells too. It's no way to live. Have your children ever expressed to you they believe his behaviour is wrong? Have they ever asked you to leave?

ThisIsntMyUsualUsername · 01/05/2023 10:24

*walk

Original poster

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 10:45

I did gently move him out of the way. I didn’t say excuse me and that was my fault. Wherever I need to be in the kitchen, he will always immediately go there and block my access. Eg if I’m unloading the dishwasher he leans across so I can’t. I was walking to the foodbin and he blocked my access by going to the sink, so I moved him very gently to the side. That’s what he has called pushing past him, but it wasn’t a push. I’m very tired of this stupid situation every time I’m doing something in the kitchen. My eldest spontaneously said was he in your way in the kitchen as he does that to her too and always denies it which is tiring to say the least. I said even the teens notice and he said I’d trained them. I really haven’t.

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Original poster

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 10:45

My children have never asked me to leave. They have begged me not to get divorced many times and asked me to stop arguing so I suck a lot up and just take it but every now and then it just makes me cry.

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Original poster

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 10:46

No I don’t push past him a lot. I can’t remember doing this before.

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Cheeseandlobster · 01/05/2023 10:49

So you didn't really push past him at all. Does he block things deliberately do you think? It sounds like he is and it's bizarre behaviour

Original poster

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 10:57

So it feels deliberate even if he’s not completely aware of it, if that even makes sense. It’s very frustrating because there are so many things he says and does which range from annoying to completely unreasonable and when I try to speak to him he just flat denies them. He says no that didn’t happen. No I never said that. Even if it’s just been seconds ago.

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Ofcourseshecan · 01/05/2023 11:03

His behaviour is weird, but whatever the reason, he shouldn’t be treating you like this. Unfortunate that DC don’t want you to divorce, even though they see and dislike his behaviour. I think children/teenagers want stability. But it’s not worth the price you’re paying for it. And ultimately DC are also paying the price, as they’re growing up with bad role models, of male entitlement and female submission.

I hope you can get away from him and create a happier home for you and DC.

Watchkeys · 01/05/2023 11:06

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 10:45

My children have never asked me to leave. They have begged me not to get divorced many times and asked me to stop arguing so I suck a lot up and just take it but every now and then it just makes me cry.

I never asked my mum to leave, either. She stayed with my dad, and then, as I grew into and through adulthood, I chose relationships that replicated theirs, because I thought that that was what adult relationships look like. So, I had partners who were rude to me, partners who shouted at me, partners who told me I was wrong, partners, who made me feel bad about myself... and the one thing that kept me in those relationships was this thought:

Maybe I’m in the wrong

Have some self respect, JulieLikesTulips. You like what you like, and you don't like what you don't like. You can't argue with that. You like romcoms but you don't like action films... do you really consider whether you're right or wrong, or do you respect that that's your preference? You like to be treated nicely, and not to made to feel like you're somehow an 'issue'... do you really consider whether you're right or wrong, or do you respect that that's your preference?

Your children have asked you to stop arguing. There are two ways to do that: suck up things that you want to argue against, or refuse to be around to hear them. Show your children that if someone makes you 'arguey', the thing to do is walk away. I'm sure you'd do that anyway, wouldn't you, if one of them was being bullied, for example? 'Don't fight back, they're not worth it... just walk away.' This applies to you too.

Whatthefnow · 01/05/2023 11:08

Op, if you're walking in eggshells then your children are too. Make no mistake.

3487642I · 01/05/2023 11:08

The thing is he will never be reasonable and your will forever be adjusting yourself to appease him.

His denial is making you doubt yourself - this is psychological abuse because you end up being unable to trust your own thoughts, he is programming you to trust his only.

You are having a trauma response to his emotionally violent attack. This is going to have an impact on you in the long run.

His behaviour is typical for coercive control - setting you up and then using it as an excuse to berate and attack you.

Please contact Women's Aid for assistance.

Your children have observed his patterns of behavior - they are not normal or healthy patterns of behaviour that you'd find in an equal partnership.

He is treating you as though he is entitled to dominance over you - he sees you as someone he can punish and hurt at his will.

Duckingella · 01/05/2023 12:10

He sounds like a bully who gets a kick out of controlling the women in his life;body blocking is a form of physical intimidation.

Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 01/05/2023 12:11

Please leave him in a safe way. My exDP is very similar and gaslights me and tries to isolate me and control me.
Tell someone in real life what's going on, not just here on Mumsnet so you can get practical support. Mumsnet is great and is really helpful with suggestions and advice on who to contact but please tell a trusted friend or family member about your situation.

Original poster

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 12:11

Please what is a trauma response @3487642I ?
Lots of what people are saying rings true to me. Thank you. Feeling very teary reading the kind replies. I feel like you get me and understand what is happening. I’ve been full of doubts about myself.

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Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 01/05/2023 12:12

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 10:21

I didn’t tell him I’ve posted here but I’ve told him it’s abusive and bullying and he shouts at me. I’ve told him the children saw immediately what had happened and he says I’ve trained them. I really haven’t trained them. They’re teenagers. They tiptoe round him too.

Because they know their dad is a bully and they'd rather not be on the receiving end.

Whochangedmynamec · 01/05/2023 12:21

Tell him the moment you shout you lose the argument.

I deal with shouters by being calm, firm and polite. Attempting decent human communication. Sometimes it calms them, sometimes they get a clue and sometimes I walk away.

It certainly can wear you down 💐. Absolutely walk away if he isn’t listening.

I am not going to entertain your screaming, it’s abusive- if he asks why.

Original poster

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 12:36

When I say stop shouting he says he is not. It’s very hard to tell him it’s because he’s raising his voice/ blocking my way/ being snappy when he always, always says I am not doing this. I’m not sure how to prove it.

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Original poster

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 12:46

I’ve thought about video recording it when he shouts or is snappy and showing him later but I honestly think he would still deny it. It sounds as if I’m losing my mind but he genuinely says it hasn’t happened. I know I’m not making it up.

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Perpetuallyexhaustedtoddlermum · 01/05/2023 12:52

JulieLikesTulips · 01/05/2023 12:46

I’ve thought about video recording it when he shouts or is snappy and showing him later but I honestly think he would still deny it. It sounds as if I’m losing my mind but he genuinely says it hasn’t happened. I know I’m not making it up.

It sounds like you've married a narcissist. It'll never get better with him