Horrible argument

[JulieLikesTulips]

I typed a long post and deleted it as I was rambling. My DH has shouted at me over something really small, I pushed past him to put food in the food bin and he shouted at me so much I was in tears. I feel really shaken by being shouted at like that. I’m tired and feel completely taken for granted. He keeps shouting that I’m rude and mannerless and like a three year old. I don’t want to be spoken to like this. It feels really over the top. Maybe I’m in the wrong.

calling someone a child means that this person has no respect for said "child" - children are not equal in their opinions to adults, they can be corrected, disciplined or dismissed, but they cannot do that to the "adults" in their life

you are absolutely right that this sort of thing is a horrible example and it may be a time to "act like an adult" and leave. Keep in mind that people who are shit partners are rarely, in reality, good parents. If this is the way they treat another adult they will surely disrespect and abuse a child who literally has no way of defence.

I struggle with that. I can understand the theory, but he seems to show different faces to different people and the DC often get an engaged, interested dad. They also get flashes of authoritarianism that I have tried to talk to him about and that he says have not happened. For example, one of them will be upset by the tone he has used when speaking to them, I will say you have upset X and he says no everything is fine.

of course he can keep a mask on for limited period of time - but he defaults to denial and gaslighting when a mask slips and you happen to notice.

Keep in mind that when he is interacting with kids when you're around then you're the audience he is performing for - you don't know what your kids get when there is no third person to watch the performance

I’m still here, as in still with him. I’m very sad in the relationship and would like things to end. I asked him to leave and he just blanked me. I’ve spent a long time explaining to him why I’m unhappy, he just ignores me. I ask him to please say something back to me and he says there is nothing to say. I don’t know what to do when he blanks me. I want to split up but I don’t want to leave the home and children. He says if I want to break up, I need to go.

Everything is turned on me. If I say I don’t like his tone, he tells me I’m more aggressive than him and that I don’t realise it. I’m sure this is not true.

Posting today as a month since I looked for help on here, I feel so stupid I don’t even know how to break up. I know it’s over, I’ve told him, he just stares at me as if I’m speaking a language he doesn’t understand, ignores me, sometimes tells me I’m difficult, mostly waits for me to stop talking, walks into another room, I can’t believe he is happy like this, but I know he doesn’t want to leave. Sometimes, randomly, he says he loves me but doesn’t know why. His behaviour isn’t especially loving, it’s mostly very distant or argumentative. I’ve really had enough but feel trapped.

just throw his stuff out, you dont need his signed permission

You need to go and see a solicitor OP, you can’t live like this.

First step is get copies of all financial statements for you both eg wage slips or P60s, bank statements, pension statements, rental or mortgage agreement. Marriage certificate etc

Second step is a list of questions you want to ask a solicitor, be specific.

Third step is get a solicitor. They will explain the 4th step. Good luck

Find a lawyer; call women’s aid for some advice, do you work? Own the house? Rent? Take some steps to leave

we both work and we jointly own the house. I don’t think I can just throw his stuff out, he’d just come back in and it would escalate into a horrible argument. Women’s Aid were not that helpful for my situation. They have given some general advice about leaving safely but I don’t want to leave the house and take the children somewhere. I’d like to stay here but don’t want to stay in the marriage.

I’ll start getting copies of everything today and look for a solicitor.

So then start ending the marriage? Begin proceedings to divorce. It might get worse before it gets better, but take control back. And give him the option of leaving, or staying to watch you reclaim your independence as a single and strong woman 🤷🏼‍♀️