Horrible argument

[JulieLikesTulips]

I typed a long post and deleted it as I was rambling. My DH has shouted at me over something really small, I pushed past him to put food in the food bin and he shouted at me so much I was in tears. I feel really shaken by being shouted at like that. I’m tired and feel completely taken for granted. He keeps shouting that I’m rude and mannerless and like a three year old. I don’t want to be spoken to like this. It feels really over the top. Maybe I’m in the wrong.

Gaslighting twat!

I read this with a sense of deja vu. I experienced similar and my exH expected everyone to get out of his way. He would physically move my teenage daughter away from the cooker even if she had started making something and he’d shoulder me in the corridor when passing
It’s horrible, controlling and abusive!! And it will get worse not better unfortunately x

Thank you to everyone who understands

Phone recording is pretty useful because it gives them a moment to reconsider their actions.

But a really good one is to leave the house everytime.

”please allow me to leave otherwise it can be considered kidnap”.

I had someone not let me leave it was super upsetting.

Definitely record him.

It didn’t happen. Play recording. Game over

Gaslighting bully who has got you & the children tip toeing around him. I know the children have begged you not to divorce, but they may find it's the best thing you ever did. Living with that vile excuse of a man can't be good for the mental health of you all.

Thank you. He’s ignoring that anything happened, not ignoring me but acting as if everything is perfectly fine.

I'll record this next time, even just a voice recording. I hate feeling intimidated. You’re right it’s not good for our mental health.

Have you got any local support? Friends/family? Have you got anywhere to go for a breather just while you have a big think?

Loving partners don't make us cry. Your worth so much more!

I don’t have anywhere to go, I don’t want to leave my home and don’t have any support. My parents were emotionally abusive when I was growing up so I don’t really confide in them. I don’t want to be all poor me, but they would absolutely blame me for this.

@JulieLikesTulips

this relationship is destroying you and it is destroying your DC.

Is there somewhere you can go for a few weeks. to just get away from him with the kids ? Like family or a friend or even a short stay rented accommodation? You need to leave but that’s easy for me to say.

eehat would you like to do with your life ? How would you like to feel and live.

imagine that and make the steps to do that. I’m so sorry Op.

@JulieLikesTulips You mention feeling shaken, tired, not able to think clearly the next day. Here is an exerpt taken from www.verywellhealth.com/what-is-trauma-5212104

Psychological Symptoms of Emotional Trauma

Emotional responses to trauma can be any or a combination of the following:

• Fear
• Helplessness
• Dissociation
• Changes in attention, concentration, and memory retrieval
• Changes in behavior
• Changes in attitude
• Changes in worldview
• Difficulty functioning
• Denial, or refusing to believe that the trauma actually occurred
• Anger
• Bargaining, which is similar to negotiation (e.g. "I will do this, or be this, if I could only fix the problem.")
• Avoidance, such as disregarding one's own troubles or avoiding emotionally uncomfortable situations with others
• Depression
• Anxiety
• Mood swings
• Guilt or shame
• Blame (including self-blame)
• Social withdrawal
• Loss of interest in activities
• Emotional numbness

Physical Symptoms of Emotional TraumaEmotional trauma can also manifest in the form of physical symptoms. These include:41

• Increased heart rate
• Body aches or pains
• Tense muscles
• Feeling on edge
• Jumpiness or startling easily
• Nightmares
• Difficulty sleeping
• Fatigue
• Sexual dysfunction
• Appetite changes
• Excessive alertness

You deserve better than this, I hope you can make a plan and escape this situation 🙏

The above short video is on psychological abuse.

This next one is about emotional abuse.

No, this is terrible advice. Game over, how? He says 'You goaded me into shouting'? He says 'I shouted because people like you deserve to be shouted at'?

OP, you can't win. You know that, because you've been trying for a long time. You just need to be away from him. It's not your job to teach him how to be respectful to you.

@Whochangedmynamec

Definitely record him

It didn’t happen. Play recording. Game over

In my experience with an abusive ex this doesn't work, at all.

It was good to have recordings for my own sanity, so I knew I was remembering it correctly when he tried to gaslight me.

But playing it for him would just result in a 'see, you're mental - who the fuck records people in their own home?!' style monologues and added fuel to the fire.

You use the phrase 'game over' which is apt as that's what this is for OP's partner. All a game that he wants to win. He doesn't want to be a happy, healthy couple. He wants to win and be in charge. To get his way. To be the boss.

No matter how calmly OP presents 'evidence' or proof to him, showing that she is right and he is wrong, he will never concede and change his behaviour. So the effort of trying to 'win' the game with him is completely pointless.

She needs to drop the rope. Disengage. End the relationship. And stop showing this relationship model to her kids who are being taught that it's normal for men to treat women this way.

Exactly @monsteramunch

Game over, with OP as 'the winner' demonstrates that OP is playing the game, and the only way to deal with abuse is to stop playing.

Hi OP. It sounds to me like you are reaching the point where you know you need to leave. You can only cover the cracks for the children's sake for so long. He is the dominator in your house, of course they want to make him happy. That's why they beg you to stay with him and not argue back. There are thousands upon thousands of motivational and empowering videos on You Tube for women like you. Start building yourself up, arm yourself with information, gain strength. It will all seem much easier if you do this. In the mean time, give him nothing. Head down, get on with it. I wouldn't bother recording him, he will still deny it and believe he has done nothing. Even with evidence. It is a waste of energy and will just make him angry. Start looking online and empowering yourself.

Men like that NEVER accept they are ever in the wrong

Recording it won't change things. It'll still be your fault. There's endless gaslighting options. The good old he couldn't help himself after the way you behaved so it's all your fault. The completely ignore it and start angry ranting about how you did this one thing once years ago that justifies his behaviour. There's the segway into something small you've always done which is suddenly a big deal and it becomes about how you have to do things differently. There's going on the attack, how dare you record him, you're out of your mind, you're horrible and trying to trap him by doing that. He only reacted that way because you set him up in order to record him. There's raw sheer intimidating anger. The point will always be the same, he's right and you're wrong.

It will always be your fault in his mind. You can't show men like this their behaviour because they will never ever see it. Even if he was a devout Catholic and the Pope was telling him it's his fault he still wouldn't ever believe it. It might be good to do for your own peace of mind, but I'd make sure he doesn't realise you're doings it and I wouldn't tell him I'd done it ever.

That’s made me laugh @EliflurtleTripanInfinite , he is a catholic, though I’m not sure how devout.

Feeling much better for the support on here. I’m going to work on an exit plan.

Good luck OP. You can do it.

Good luck op, you deserve so much better 💐

I wouldn’t bother recording anything because he already knows what he has done. It’s about him and his own needs and not about you at all. They always respond disproportionately because you have deeply shamed him by not saying excuse me because you should be going above and beyond to meet his needs of power and control, how dare you not say excuse me! What seems minor to you will not be to him and nothing you can do will change those beliefs in him.

People behave how they choose to behave but we don’t need to choose to accept it. If you ask him to stop he will twist it around so that you stop asking him too. You will end up like you are in knots because you feel hurt but you are trying to tell yourself not to hurt because he has you questioning your own feelings. You feel how you feel and you need to remove yourself from the things that make you feel bad.

blocking someone's way is a massive pet peeve of mine - it is a form of intimidation, they are literally stopping you from moving

and shouting is a form of bullying, so is saying someone "acts like a child" - basically reducing them, their feelings and arguments to nothing of importance

Thank you @PaintedEgg Referring to me as child like really got to me and I couldn’t properly explain why. You’ve done it perfectly. I’m feeling a bit numb and shocked today, but I’ve decided to leave. I’m not sure how to do it but I know I don’t want to teach my DC that this is ok, and I have always put them first and told myself I need to stay for them. Maybe I need to leave for them.