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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How does it make you feel when your dp checks out other women?

100 replies

Lifeafternarcabuse · 30/04/2023 20:03

That's it really guys....how do you feel when your dp checks out other women in front of you?

Noticed my dp doing it a few times and everytime I kind of feel abit shit....nothing major but it gets to me and makes me question myself.... just wanted to compare my feelings with others really .... thanks all

OP posts:
defineme · 30/04/2023 22:49

26 years and he never has. I assume he notices people he finds attractive (as do i), but he's a polite respectful civilised human being so wouldn't do anything visible.

Lcb123 · 30/04/2023 22:53

Depends what you mean by ‘check out’. A glance at a woman fine but not ogling. I glance at attractive men!

Mindovermatter247 · 30/04/2023 22:53

I wish DP would, he never remotely says to me, even with celebrity’s, he never says who he likes, years ago I got him to admit he like the Olsen twins, it’s usually me stating when different guys are hot…

BarelyLiterate · 30/04/2023 22:53

Well I check out good looking men, so it would be hypocritical of me to criticise him for doing likewise.

SallyWD · 30/04/2023 22:57

My DH definitely notices beautiful women (I mean, so do I!) but he's very discreet. There night be a 0.5 second glance and that's it. That's fine with me. We're all only human and we're going to notice attractive people. I wouldn't like it it I'd he was leering or staring for long periods of time.

Shodan · 30/04/2023 23:00

I've never noticed DP doing it, thank goodness. He has manners, and would feel it disrespectful to me (which it is).

I will always remember XH checking out a woman on an escalator in a shop once. He was standing in front of me, we were going up, the woman was coming down on the other escalator. I saw her look first, then watched as twatty XH not only checked her out in return by turned his head 180 degrees to carry on doing it. He only stopped when he saw me looking at him.

It was reason 623 for leaving him.

EarthSight · 30/04/2023 23:33

Lifeafternarcabuse · 30/04/2023 20:26

Sorry for those who asked...checking out as in looking then looking away and then looking again sort of thing...
When I've asked my dp about it or brought it up I get the "I didn't even see a women there" bs

This would gross me out tbh. It's natural to still notice other people's beauty whilst in a relationship, but there is a certain type of man that can't help themselves. It's the same type that quickly glance down at your breasts thinking that you can't notice them doing it. They think they're being subtle but they're not.

I was stared at a lot by a guy once in a cafe. I knew he was turning his head and looking in my direction a lot, staring me in that way that you know the guy is thinking about you sexually. I had a look at who he was with - he was there with his wife and baby. Yuck. I felt sorry for her that her husband did this so obviously, right in front of her.

MeanderingOnTheNorfolkBroads · 01/05/2023 06:21

I can't speak to what he does when I'm not around, but DH hasn't ONCE checked out another women, infront of me, in our 20 years together.

Original poster
Lifeafternarcabuse · 01/05/2023 09:02

Thank you for all your replies everyone it's made me feel validated and assured that I'm OK to feel what I feel. Going to speak with dp about it and see if he changes how he looks at others I'm fine with a glance we all do this but if it doesn't change I think its time I left as I don't feel like it's something I can continue with.
Thanks everyone for all your input

OP posts:
Breakthrew · 01/05/2023 10:05

Dh has done this far too many times in front of me. Double takes, or just too long a look to make me jealous. Checking women out in rear view mirror. Making comments, compliments but never to me. I bitterly regret putting up with it in the early days, it's deliberate.

Busybusybusydoingnothing · 01/05/2023 10:05

It's very degrading OP. Judging by your last update it sounds like your OH must be doing it to the extreme it makes you feel really really bad. Hope you're okay xx

Phoebo · 01/05/2023 10:09

I find it enormously disrespectful. Yes, we all notice attractive people, but if he's choosing to be obvious about it, it's a "no" from me. I find it quite disgusting actually, especially given when I was younger I was often the recipient if unwanted "checking out".

arethereanyleftatall · 01/05/2023 10:10

Good for you op. The less women tolerate this shit from men, the better relationships might be for our daughters.

Shesheadingonin · 01/05/2023 10:36

How are people honestly saying their partners have never looked at another attractive person when they’re together? Absolute rubbish. You just haven’t noticed because they are discreet. I see it all the time out in public. Discretion is key. It’s completely natural to look at other people and like what you see. Staring is not okay when you’re with a partner. I just don't get how anyone can walk around with their eyes fixed in one direction. Crazy. My partner and I look at other attractive people discreetly and sometimes make a quiet comment to one another. I would do the same with my girl friends and he’s also my best friend, human nature. I think it’s healthy.

MyTruthIsOut · 01/05/2023 10:39

I’ve been with my DH for 13 years and he has never eyed up another woman in my presence - he just wouldn’t.

Just like I don’t check out other guys when I’m with him.

I’m pretty sure he looks at attractive women when I’m not with him but that’s fine, it’s just human nature, I do it too.

However, eyeing up other people whilst in the company of your partner is very disrespectful.

GhostOfABanana · 01/05/2023 10:41

He doesn't.

Or if he does he has the grace to do it in a way I've never noticed.

Whatthefnow · 01/05/2023 10:50

My ex partner was so respectful and never did this I remember once a woman was trying to catch his attention and he was almost spinning in circles trying to avoid it. It's making me laugh now thinking about it 😂

AbsolutePixels · 01/05/2023 10:56

This has never happened to me.

MaryDoll84 · 01/05/2023 10:56

My ex used to do this everywhere we went, to the point where I stopped wanting to go places with him. It wasn't just a glance,which I'd have been ok with..he'd keep looking to the point where the woman would notice. He would frequently do it to attractive waitresses and bar staff aswell, like I'd catch his gaze following them around the room. Tbh it made me feel jealous, insecure and like I wasn't good enough for him, and I say this as a reasonably attractive person myself. But it's soul destroying when you've spent time picking out a nice outfit, doing your hair and makeup etc so you feel good and then your partner spends the whole evening giving attention to anyone other than you(and normally women in their early 20's whilst I was mid 30's and him 40).
So glad he's an ex now.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/05/2023 10:57

Because some men aren't arseholes @Shesheadingonin
You might not have met them yet, I say that because I didn't till I was 46!

bellsbuss · 01/05/2023 11:09

DH has probably done it but I've never seen him do it , if I see an exceptionally good looking man I would more than likely have a discreet look

gannett · 01/05/2023 11:13

Checking out as in leering and ogling - grim and rude. I would feel embarrassed on behalf of the poor woman being leered at. I've never noticed DP do this though.

Checking out as in a quick glance or even second glance - pretty natural and I do the same.

I don't care that DP might find other women attractive but I would care if his behaviour was rude and uncouth.

Mammalys · 01/05/2023 11:36

I am AMAZED by this thread!!

It is so natural to look at someone and admire if they're attractive. I always see beautiful women and I will point them out to my partner because it's important to celebrate women. I point out women who have nice legs, nice bum, nice hair, cool outfits. I point out women because they have a kind face or a great energy. I tell women they are gorgeous all the time. And no, im not lesbian or bi. It doesnt bother me one bit if my partner looks too.

There's a lot of people here that feel threatened by what comes naturally to all humans.

YouAreNotBatman · 01/05/2023 11:51

Mammalys · 01/05/2023 11:36

I am AMAZED by this thread!!

It is so natural to look at someone and admire if they're attractive. I always see beautiful women and I will point them out to my partner because it's important to celebrate women. I point out women who have nice legs, nice bum, nice hair, cool outfits. I point out women because they have a kind face or a great energy. I tell women they are gorgeous all the time. And no, im not lesbian or bi. It doesnt bother me one bit if my partner looks too.

There's a lot of people here that feel threatened by what comes naturally to all humans.

I’m amazed by this, not a compliment btw.
Celebrate women? By ogling them, objectifying them?
What about ugly women? How do you ’celebrate’ them, or do they not deserve that?
But anyway, this is beyong weird comment.

DatingDinosaur · 01/05/2023 11:53

In response to the title of the thread:

It would make me feel like telling him to roll his tongue back in before she (the woman he’s ogling) trips over it.