Mother going behind my back

[Tomatorice]

DS has wanted a switch for ages but I’ve said no as the games are too expensive and we are on a low income and can’t afford the games. It was his birthday party today and my mum tried to give him a switch. Unfortunately DS saw it but I insisted she take it back. She is constantly overruling me and thinks she always knows best. Now I look like the bad guy and DS is really upset. What do I do? How do I get her to listen to me and respect my decisions as a mother?

I’d said no and she did it anyway. If we’d kept talking and come to an agreement that would have been fine

To me that reads like her mother bought it anyway even though OP had said no. If her mother had discussed it further with her she might have been ok with it. But she didn't. She just went and bought it.

The poor child had seen the one thing he wanted for his birthday and you took it away, it was in his grasp and you made your mother take it back!
Regardless of the issues with your mother that was not the time to make your feelings known.
Games can be found for next to nothing second hand or can be bought by your mother for future birthday's and Christmases.
I think your son will remember you doing this for a long time and it won't be a happy childhood memory.

@DriedFlowersLiveForever pure and utter BS. OP surely is able to tell her son what happens when people disrespect others and that no toy/gif/reward makes up for lack of respect.

What he will understand is that his mother is denying him something he really wants - not because she can't afford it as she's told him - but because of another reason. He will learn that his mother is lying to him for reasons that don't really make much sense and that he is losing out because his mum is involved in some weird point scoring exercise with granny.

It's not a valuable lesson, it's a really damaging one.

Not even remotely similar.

I grew up in a poor household, if somebody had wanted to treat me and I was within touching distance of a toy / item I wanted and my mother said no… Well I just can’t even imagine why my mother would be so determined to make sure I had a miserable and deprived childhood. And trust me, being brought up in a poor household is pretty miserable.

OP is spiteful and as that child, from the poor background, I just do not understand why she wants to ensure her child goes without. If she carries on being so spiteful towards her own child, I expect they will go NC when they are an adult.

@Clymene you’re missing the point, we’re no one to judge OP. It doesn’t have to make sense. A mothers decision it’s a final decision. Bloody hell why is it so hard to understand.

If you post on a piling message board, you are presumably looking for other people's opinions.

I don't subscribe to the notion that the mother is always in the right, just because she is the mother. That's a dangerous assumption

@Clymene everyone is free be opinionated about it, it does not change how the mother has the last say on what can or not be given to her son. grandmother had her child it’s not her place to decide what’s given. You/Money/gifts not acceptable if the mother said no.

when a mother says DONT DO IT And the very nice granny does it anyways. The grandmother is wrong. The boy will be able to understand this. it’s not the end of the world.

Meant toy/money/gifts

I feel you OP. Having a parent, or anyone who overrules you, on your decission, in your home, is disrespectful.
What your mum should have done was ask you if the Switch was ok to get your son, hear how you feel about it as the parent who will be having it in their home, with their child, paying for its upkeep and games with your money. So I hear you.

The posters who say that you should have allowed it and not made an issue of it, well I dont know how I feel about that. But this is your child, which you are left to bring up, and these are your rules. If your mum is overriding you when if comes to your kids, then your kids will learn not to respect you either, the snowball effect. Now that the switch has been bought, can you speak to your mum, explain to her why this has crossed a line with you. Keep repeating yourself. The speak to your child and explain. You re not the bad guy

But why is the OP controlling what gifts her mother gives her son? I'm a single mother. At times, things have been financially quite tough and I wouldn't dream of telling my financially comfortable parents not to give my children a gift purely because it's out of my budget.

It's not a ridiculously extravagant gift and it's something she knows will make her grandson very happy.

If there is some other reason - like the OP doesn't want him having a console or something - then that's different. But from her son's POV, his granny solved the issue of it not being affordable and then his mum vetoed it anyway.

and that he is losing out because his mum is involved in some weird point scoring exercise with granny. other way round pet. The granny's the one overriding the mum.

I wouldn't dream of telling my financially comfortable parents not to give my children a gift purely because it's out of my budget.

You've never had to deal with game-playing people who are trying to quietly dominate you by undercutting you, have you? I assume your parents gave presents out of a genuine kindness, not trying to score points?

How old is your DS ?
I understand the frustration, but as he had seen it, it does seem a bit cruel, as he probably won’t be able to understand the issue now.
Of course it’s not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things, but you’re only a child once, and a switch is quite the deal these days socially.

Could you instead of insisting she return it, have that further conversation now about how she plans to handle the games ? If she says say Christmas and birthdays, make sure she explains that to her DS. I’d bite the bullet if so this time, your kid has seen it, was probably over the moon, and it’s something that will make him happy if it works out.

Then once that’s done, good example to initiate a conversation with your mum about choices maybe.

If she is manipulative, she may have wanted to ensure her continue her presence by being the game buyer only option for years : so buying ones you may not agree with, when she wants etc. Honestly if you can turn that into her main point of focus/fight, this could be an all around win for you.

Apologies, probably unclear, I meant it’s not the worst point of contention to have. I might even play it up and bring the point up of who chooses the age appropriate games. Then again I only say this because it’s not an unhealthy present and will benefit your child

Sorry, forgot a line, of course I’m not encouraging inappropriate games, but the games your DS will want to play will very likely be the ones all his friends are, so it’s a bit of an unlikely issue iyswim

No I haven't. But I'm not sure we have enough information from the OP to suggest that.

In any event, the only person who is losing out in this battle of wills between the OP and her mum is her son. I can't ever imagine that it would be worth taking a gift away from my child that they were thrilled to be given to make a point to my mother.

The son is losing out, poor mite. But the mum is losing too; if you have someone who consistently undermines a parent, the child's sense of security and 'rightness' in the world is damaged. They are taught not to respect their parent, and they can learn to manipulate one adult against another. It's the wrong sort of winning, no good for anyone and certainly not the child.

We don't know if that's the situation here, though there's an indication it might be by the OP's sentence that her mother undermines her all the time.

Not everyone in the world is nice, and there are manipulative people.

In the OP's shoes I'd be having a number of age-appropriate conversations over the years about 'people sometimes make mistakes and we should all respect a No. When you don't, it's not good behaviour'. It could apply to the granny, but it's a useful lesson in life generally.

The granny's the one who made the worst mistake here. She should have talked to the OP about the gift, and respected a No, even if she thought it was the wrong decision.

The OP was left with her mother manipulating her and her son (from what she said, not the first time) or with breaking her son's heart. That's a very nasty thing of the granny to have done.

I don't understand children having the expectation they will get new games outside of birthdays and Christmas so why not just tell her that's her job from now on and stick to wait until Christmas.....where did all the give into nagging come from?