Page 3 | Mother going behind my back

Violetcrush · 30/04/2023 07:07

Kay286 · 30/04/2023 03:03

You said as YOU can’t afford , she obviously can and wanted to do something nice and a treat ! It’s not like you didn’t want him to have it for a different reason and she had taken the reason away as she paid … just accept it for what it is a nice gesture. Honestly not letting your kid have it is ridiculous

Was going to say exactly this… If money was the reason to say no then I think your DM has done nothing wrong.

FitAt50 · 30/04/2023 07:10

Were you ever a child?

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 07:44

Unfortunately @Tomatorice you have posters deliberately ignoring the fact that your mum does things like this often. They've seen an opportunity to make you fell a bit shit and have jumped on it. You did the right thing. It's all well and good having a Switch but then the whining for the games starts. Get the thread deleted as it will be of no use to you. Mob mentality and very unhappy, lonely people!

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 07:53

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 07:44

Unfortunately @Tomatorice you have posters deliberately ignoring the fact that your mum does things like this often. They've seen an opportunity to make you fell a bit shit and have jumped on it. You did the right thing. It's all well and good having a Switch but then the whining for the games starts. Get the thread deleted as it will be of no use to you. Mob mentality and very unhappy, lonely people!

You don't avoid your children having nice things because they ask for more. If she explains to the child they won't be having any more games until Christmas she can avoid 'whining'. There's no mob mentality here - just people who think it's sad that she's taken her child's present back off him just because her pride is hurt.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 07:59

If that was the case @GoodChat then posters would have acknowledged the fact that her mother always overrules her choices. Its complex isn't it? So yeah, people spotting an opportunity to make someone feel like shit. Not my thing sorry!

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 08:01

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 07:59

If that was the case @GoodChat then posters would have acknowledged the fact that her mother always overrules her choices. Its complex isn't it? So yeah, people spotting an opportunity to make someone feel like shit. Not my thing sorry!

OP hasn't given any examples, though, so there's a good chance she's exaggerating because she's upset, which people often do.

This scenario isn't a case of her mother overruling her unless she'd explicitly asked her not to buy the Switch.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 08:06

Well I like to take an OP at face value @GoodChat and if I was going to guess anything it would be that the OP told her mum not to buy a switch. See? The difference is, my narrative doesn't include me being a dick to the OP. Dont let me get in your way though. Hopefully OP will ignore. Have a nice Sunday!

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 08:07

This scenario isn't a case of her mother overruling her unless she'd explicitly asked her not to buy the Switch.

I think that's the whole point of the thread. The OP had told her mother no Switch, but the mother bought one anyway and tried to give it to him for his birthday because she probably assumed the OP wouldn't stop her then.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 08:12

Previous posters are not ignoring the fact that Op wrote that this is one of many instances of her mum overruling her.

However, many of us don’t see this instance of gifting the Nintendo Switch as an example of her overruling Op.

So, it isn’t unreasonable for pp to consider the possibility that the ‘many other instances of overruling the Op’ might be similarly a misunderstanding of her mother’s true intention’s rather than actual habitual undermining behaviour towards the Op.

We can’t know with any certainty because we have only been given one example. So, we have responded to this one instance described to us.

Many pp are giving a different perspective of this situation with good intentions.

It can be good to get outside perspective when you are in the middle of a heated intense situation with someone close to you.

It’s why some people post on AIBU in the first place.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 08:14

Sorry not AIBU, but it is the relationship section. My point still stands.

Posting on any discussion forum is usually to get outside perspective.

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 08:16

How is it not overruling though? The OP said no, her mother did it anyway. Just because it's something the kid wanted, doesn't mean it's ok to go against his mother's decision.

Haircuts, earpiercings, Switches...it doesn't matter. Other people don't get to make that decision.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 08:17

@ImustLearn2Cook which is absolutely right but that's not what the OP asked is it? She asked how she could get her mum to listen to her. Which nobody answered cos they saw an opportunity to stick the boot in.

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 08:19

Imagine if the child wanted his ear pierced, but mum said no. Then granny took him behind his mother's back to get it done as a birthday present. Would people really be ok with that?

OfTheNight · 30/04/2023 08:22

If he hadn’t seen it then telling your mum to take it back wouldn’t be an issue. It must be so disappointing for your son. He’s not done anything wrong, but he’s missing out.

I’d have let him have it. Our DS used to have a Switch and he loved it. Yes, games brand new, are expensive but we found loads second hand that were really affordable and numerous cheaper titles on the Nintendo store.

This seems like a power struggle between your mum and you, where your DS has be caught in the crossfire.

SallyWD · 30/04/2023 08:25

Honestly he's seen it now. Let him have it but explain you can't ever afford games so it's up to him to save for them.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 08:30

I read this: DS has wanted a switch for ages but I’ve said no as the games are too expensive and we are on a low income and can’t afford the games. As her saying no to her son when he has asked for one, not as her saying no to her mum in buying one as a birthday gift.

There is nothing written by the Op that specifically implies that she discussed it before hand with her mum but her mum ignored her wishes and did it anyway.

Earlier in the thread pp asked her if she had told her mum that she didn’t want her to buy him a Nintendo Switch. Op never answered that question to clarify.

Also, if the only reason she said no was because she can’t afford to buy games, then how would it be an issue if her mum bought games to go with the NS (Nintendo Switch)?

We don’t know if her Mum bought games to go with the NS because the Op didn’t include that as a reason to be upset and tell her mum to take it back.

There is nothing in Op’s posts that actually explains how her mum overruled her.

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 08:33

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 08:30

I read this: DS has wanted a switch for ages but I’ve said no as the games are too expensive and we are on a low income and can’t afford the games. As her saying no to her son when he has asked for one, not as her saying no to her mum in buying one as a birthday gift.

There is nothing written by the Op that specifically implies that she discussed it before hand with her mum but her mum ignored her wishes and did it anyway.

Earlier in the thread pp asked her if she had told her mum that she didn’t want her to buy him a Nintendo Switch. Op never answered that question to clarify.

Also, if the only reason she said no was because she can’t afford to buy games, then how would it be an issue if her mum bought games to go with the NS (Nintendo Switch)?

We don’t know if her Mum bought games to go with the NS because the Op didn’t include that as a reason to be upset and tell her mum to take it back.

There is nothing in Op’s posts that actually explains how her mum overruled her.

Her second post answers that.

I’d said no and she did it anyway. If we’d kept talking and come to an agreement that would have been fine, but now I look like the bad guy in front of my son.

"If we'd kept talking..." They'd been talking about it. The OP said no. Her mum did it anyway.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 08:35

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 08:19

Imagine if the child wanted his ear pierced, but mum said no. Then granny took him behind his mother's back to get it done as a birthday present. Would people really be ok with that?

Completely different issue considering that this is body modification of your child.

But if a parent said no because of affordability but would otherwise say yes if they had the money, then in that situation they probably wouldn’t mind that grandparents paid for it.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/04/2023 08:37

I’d said no and she did it anyway

I read this as the OP had discussed it with her mother. FWIW op, now would be the perfect time for a sit down chat with your mum. She will have been shocked you made her take the Switch back. There is no power struggle here. You are Mum. You make the decisions.

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 08:41

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 08:35

Completely different issue considering that this is body modification of your child.

But if a parent said no because of affordability but would otherwise say yes if they had the money, then in that situation they probably wouldn’t mind that grandparents paid for it.

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It is not her mother's decision to decide if the OP's reasons are good enough to be respected. The OP said no. The end. The mother could have discussed it further with her, and they could have agreed on a compromise. But she didn't. She just went against the OP's decision.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 08:55

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 08:33

Her second post answers that.

I’d said no and she did it anyway. If we’d kept talking and come to an agreement that would have been fine, but now I look like the bad guy in front of my son.

"If we'd kept talking..." They'd been talking about it. The OP said no. Her mum did it anyway.

Show quote history

No it doesn’t answer that question. It was posted before the question was asked.

If we kept talking and come to an agreement. When was this discussion? Before or after the fact?

Despite that most of us object to the way it was handled once the child saw his birthday present he really shouldn’t have had it taken away because of the Op is upset at her mum buying it.

There were better ways of handling it.

Most of us would not do this unless the present was dangerous, inappropriate (like a bottle of gin for a 10 year old or pornography etc.), illegal or very much against our morals or beliefs or religion etc.

Abacusporttaco · 30/04/2023 09:01

Imagine being denied a toy that you can see, that you desperately wanted, that you couldn’t otherwise afford, purely because your mother feels bitter and slighted and she is allowing her pride to trump your feelings, on your birthday.

RelentlessMother · 30/04/2023 09:05

@EllandRd I was just replying to the the op. I have no idea why or how to change usernames. You must be getting confused.

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 09:08

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 08:55

No it doesn’t answer that question. It was posted before the question was asked.

If we kept talking and come to an agreement. When was this discussion? Before or after the fact?

Despite that most of us object to the way it was handled once the child saw his birthday present he really shouldn’t have had it taken away because of the Op is upset at her mum buying it.

There were better ways of handling it.

Most of us would not do this unless the present was dangerous, inappropriate (like a bottle of gin for a 10 year old or pornography etc.), illegal or very much against our morals or beliefs or religion etc.

Show quote history

If we kept talking and come to an agreement. When was this discussion? Before or after the fact?

Obviously before. Or rather the discussion didn't go as far as an agreement because the grandmother just went and did what she wanted anyway.

Whether you agree with how the OP handled it or not, it doesn't change that her mother did go behind her back and do something she was told "no" to.

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 09:10

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 08:07

This scenario isn't a case of her mother overruling her unless she'd explicitly asked her not to buy the Switch.

I think that's the whole point of the thread. The OP had told her mother no Switch, but the mother bought one anyway and tried to give it to him for his birthday because she probably assumed the OP wouldn't stop her then.

I read it as she'd told her son no switch and her only reason was she couldn't afford the games but her DM bought him a switch with games so it resolved the issue, but maybe I'm misunderstanding and if she had said to her mom she doesn't want him to have the switch and it wasn't solely down to finances that's different and I'd agree with the posters saying she's right