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Original poster

Partner has abandonment issues

67 replies

Mammalys · 28/04/2023 23:46

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for ways to help my partner get through some things. He will not go to therapy, and we live in a small town with limited resources for things like that. And you know, small town = everyone knows everyone so he won't speak to someone locally.

I adore my mister... he is amazing. We've only been together 3 years. He is super attentive, thoughtful, emotionally mature. Super affectionate He makes me coffee every morning. He is respectful. He tells his friends lovely things about me. He checks in to make sure I'm okay often. He asks how my day was and is actually interested in my day. He is all the things I could ask for after leaving a marriage that was emotionally void and believing I would be alone forever. He is good to my two teenage kids and they love him. Our relationship happened much quicker than I would normally allow due to circumstances. In 2020 I lost my job due to covid and he was made redundant. I was going to lose lose on this... but as he got a payout with his redundancy he bought a bus. We moved into the bus because that was our only option while I sold my house. We have since relocated and it just so happened that the rental market was insanely difficult, so when we finally got a house we moved in together there too. I dont have any regrets about it, he is amazing.

He has taught me how to actually properly communicate in a relationship. I feel that it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.

However... this poor man is terrified of being abandoned. The back story to this... is that he was born in England, and when he was 15 his parents divorced. One moved to Canada, one moved to new Zealand. They left him there. For some periods of his teen years he was actually homeless and picked up by the police to be relocated to family who also never came for him when this happened. He says he has forgiven his parents. He talks to his dad on the phone sometimes but hasn't seen him for 8 years. He never talks to his mum and he hasn't seen her for about 15 years. His younger sister was taken to Canada with his mum at the time which I think also adds to the rejection. But he loves his sister and chats to her every week.

Consequently after all of that trauma, if we have a disagreement, which we do sometimes (our minds work very different to each other)... afterward I will see him start to withdraw and look terrified. I've asked him about these times and he says he is so scared I'm going to just leave him. Once he overheard me when we were on holiday, I was talking to a friend about my ex husband and how I one day had enough and just left. My partner told me he was going to go home and he'll see me later. I had no idea that he would be triggered by my comment - the part where I 'just left' my husband. It made him doubt that maybe I'd do that to him. The problem was that we were on holiday and he was planning to just run away and leave me there!! (We talked and he didn't leave. He did break down and cry though).
He's told me everyone he ever loved abandoned him.. which I take it that he puts failed relationships in the same category.
We do everything together, and I've had to remind him about me also being an independant woman. Sometimes if I want to go on a walk I want to do it alone, this makes him feel rejected.
I've encouraged him to go out on the town with his mates and he would rather stay in with me. He doesn't go out to the pub unless I go as well.

Now this all sounds very clingy when I write a condensed version - our day to day life isn't clingy. He goes off to work, I work. We are happy to see each other afterward. On weekends he's often in the garden or the shed out the back and I'm doing my own thing in the house.

I really just want some advice on how I can help this man. I have reassured him that I'm not going anywhere. Every time we've disagreed I've told him straight after that I love him and I'm not going anywhere. But I see that fear in him. It makes me sad that he can't feel confident in our relationship. It probably doesn't help that I told him early on that I don't want to get married again. But I'm sticking with my views on that one because I feel I also need to respect my own needs and wants. It wouldn't be right to get married just to ease his insecurities.

Advice?

OP posts:
aurynne · 29/04/2023 05:02

You can support him through his recovery, but only he can help himself. He needs to be the one making the decision to seek professional help. You can't fix him. If he does not make a move, this will be your life forever.

Do you want to have this life?

ThatFraggle · 29/04/2023 05:13

He can see a therapist from zoom. He can get one based in London, a city with 12 million people, therefore unlikely to know his circle of friends socially.

Tell him his fears will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if he refuses to get help. And not just with you, but with any subsequent relationship too.

TravelDazzle · 29/04/2023 06:59

I'm not sure I could put up with someone who clearly needs therapy and refuses to go. He can find a therapist online if he doesn't want to speak to someone locally.

With respect, this is his issue that he needs to sort out. You're just becoming a crutch, and you may find his behaviour ends up making you feel suffocated.

WilkinsonM · 29/04/2023 07:14

He sounds like a lovely man but this issue needs addressing.
he needs to do therapy. He can do it virtually. But he needs to. You can't live your life on eggshells in case you trigger him. It's not fair.

Ofcourseshecan · 29/04/2023 07:25

ThatFraggle · 29/04/2023 05:13

He can see a therapist from zoom. He can get one based in London, a city with 12 million people, therefore unlikely to know his circle of friends socially.

Tell him his fears will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if he refuses to get help. And not just with you, but with any subsequent relationship too.

This. You both sound like good people, but he needs to get help or he will destroy your relationship, and every relationship he tries to have.

Plbrookes · 29/04/2023 07:31

ThatFraggle · 29/04/2023 05:13

He can see a therapist from zoom. He can get one based in London, a city with 12 million people, therefore unlikely to know his circle of friends socially.

Tell him his fears will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if he refuses to get help. And not just with you, but with any subsequent relationship too.

First paragraph is good advice. Second paragraph is terrible advice. How does saying "Deal with your abandonment issues or I will leave you" help?

carriedout · 29/04/2023 07:34

You can't help him, you can only support him if he gets help himself.

I'd be very wary of anyone who clearly has a problem but doesn't get help.

Don't get married.

Pashazade · 29/04/2023 07:56

Agreeing with everyone else. His refusal to engage with a professional is deeply unfair on you. You should not be expecting to fix him. The trauma he went through is significant and not something any partner should have to fix and actually few of us would be able to. He needs professional help. As PP have said there are plenty of online therapists. Rather than framing it as his behaviour endangering your relationship because obviously that is triggering (although ultimately it will take a toll) then ask him if he really wants to live with this anxiety dominating his relationships for the next 40 + years. Surely life would be more enjoyable if he didn't have these thoughts so regularly. Good luck, but remember to protect yourself and keep firm boundaries around being independent of him, don't let his paranoia change your behaviour.

pictoosh · 29/04/2023 08:08

He has put all his eggs into your basket hasn't he?

This is how he's going to be. Needy, hair-trigger, emotionally manipulative. He's got no interest in addressing his issues through the correct channels, he simply seeks to make his personal happiness entirely your responsibility.
So. It's up to you. If this level of dependence on you makes you feel loved and valued bash on. Personally I'd resent it and find him cloying and selfish. If you can't even go for a walk on your own...YUCK.

I'm not a therapist or psychologist...are you?

pictoosh · 29/04/2023 08:09

Don't marry him.
Don't get pregnant.

CurlewKate · 29/04/2023 08:11

I know this sounds harsh. But never get involved with a fixer-upper.

Abacusporttaco · 29/04/2023 08:49

He sounds hard work.

Do you and your ‘mister’ still live in that bus? Where are you teenage children?

The only thing that will ‘fix’ him is therapy. He either needs to suck that up or you need to accept he’s going to be hard work.

PaintedEgg · 29/04/2023 08:58

that level of childhood trauma is not something you can fix with being supportive - it needs to be dealt with by a therapist.

Another thing is - are you sure you're good for one another? He clearly needs stability, not just practical but that reassurance that someone intends to stay with him. Has he ever expressed a desire to get married?

MajesticWhine · 29/04/2023 09:06

He needs to give you space. It's too much to be with you all the time. Therapists work online now so living in a small town is not an excuse. Can he afford therapy?

Plantgeumstoday · 29/04/2023 09:09

You don’t have to attend therapy in person theses days.

Zoom is the way to go.

It doesn’t have to be local therapy. It could be from a therapist the other end of the country but in the comfort of his own home.

He can try it at least for a couple of sessions and see if he finds it helpful.

He needs to address this though.

Tilliemolly · 29/04/2023 20:24

sounds like much more positives than negatives, accept the way he is, reassurance, time, and togetherness, let it be and see, sounds ok to me,

Original poster
Mammalys · 30/04/2023 01:17

Gosh some of these comments are unnecessarily harsh. Pretty sure I've been clear that this guy is actually really lovely.. I'm a very independent person as an individual and financially with a fairly logical way of thinking so for a man who lives with this fear I'm just looking for suggestions on how to help him. Considering I'm not really much like him in that way.
So no, I'm not getting married or pregnant to him. He's not suffocating me, I go and do my thing regardless of what he wants, it's just that I'm aware that this makes him anxious. He doesn't try and control my movements, in fact quite the opposite - his past relationships he's been manipulated and controlled by women who play on his insecurities and he would do anything to ensure they were happy.

OP posts:
carriedout · 30/04/2023 04:05

his past relationships he's been manipulated and controlled by women who play on his insecurities and he would do anything to ensure they were happy. This would worry me. Be mindful you only know his version of events.

Shoxfordian · 30/04/2023 06:31

He doesn’t sound that lovely to me; he’s refusing to engage with any therapy which he clearly needs and expects you to pander to his emotional reactions. Not great

Cooknook · 30/04/2023 06:39

his past relationships he's been manipulated and controlled by women who play on his insecurities and he would do anything to ensure they were happy.

Generally when people discuss their exes with a new partner its for selfish reasons, when every ex allegedly acts the same it's usually as the exes aren't the issue. Is it not odd that every one of them has been manipulative and controlling? In his eyes he might genuinely think that as he has unresolved issues, but he definitely needs to get some professional therapy and support to move forward with these feelings. It's not healthy to be in a relationship where you feel wary of disagreements as you're worried he will assume you're leaving, I would also be concerned by how he would behave if you did want to leave.

It's not surprising he has been affected by his past, if he isn't willing to worn on this though I'd be very wary.

Abacusporttaco · 30/04/2023 06:53

I think you’re being a bit naive, OP.

Zanatdy · 30/04/2023 07:16

People on here are very harsh OP yes. I’d tell him he needs to get therapy and his excuses are not valid given he can get therapy on zoom. Can you encourage him to get a hobby? Keep on doing things for yourself, even if he gets funny as you don’t want to end up in a controlling relationship because of his issues. He does need to take accountability and recognise that if he doesn’t get help then he’s likely to lose you if he doesn’t sort this out. I think he does sound lovely and he’s clearly been through a lot. People on here can’t put themselves in other peoples shoes and there might be a very valid reason in his mind for not having therapy. Being abandoned at that age must cut deep

Conkered · 30/04/2023 07:34

You could possibly look at couples therapy through a national charity like Relate who will have therapists who also deal with historical trauma (and yy to online/zoom etc). You could frame it in a way that you both need support in working through this, to protect everything that's good and positive in your relationship (of which you see plenty) because it's not uncommon for his kind of experiences to have a negative impact on close relationships and this worries you. You want to learn more and be sure you are helping him in the best way possible and setting good foundations for the future for you both. Or something like that?

Conkered · 30/04/2023 07:37

I should add, a couples therapist specialising in trauma will likely offer or suggest individual sessions to one or both of you as necessary, and I'd hope the process of this will help him see the benefit of this.

Eyesopenwideawake · 30/04/2023 08:15

If he doesn't want to get into drawn out therapy and digging into unhappy memories he could consider remedial hypnosis by Zoom. There's a part of his subconscious mind that hasn't moved on from when he was a child/teenager; a short course would effectively 'reset' that part and allow it to let go of that fear.

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