Partner has abandonment issues

[Mammalys]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for ways to help my partner get through some things. He will not go to therapy, and we live in a small town with limited resources for things like that. And you know, small town = everyone knows everyone so he won't speak to someone locally.

I adore my mister... he is amazing. We've only been together 3 years. He is super attentive, thoughtful, emotionally mature. Super affectionate He makes me coffee every morning. He is respectful. He tells his friends lovely things about me. He checks in to make sure I'm okay often. He asks how my day was and is actually interested in my day. He is all the things I could ask for after leaving a marriage that was emotionally void and believing I would be alone forever. He is good to my two teenage kids and they love him. Our relationship happened much quicker than I would normally allow due to circumstances. In 2020 I lost my job due to covid and he was made redundant. I was going to lose lose on this... but as he got a payout with his redundancy he bought a bus. We moved into the bus because that was our only option while I sold my house. We have since relocated and it just so happened that the rental market was insanely difficult, so when we finally got a house we moved in together there too. I dont have any regrets about it, he is amazing.

He has taught me how to actually properly communicate in a relationship. I feel that it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.

However... this poor man is terrified of being abandoned. The back story to this... is that he was born in England, and when he was 15 his parents divorced. One moved to Canada, one moved to new Zealand. They left him there. For some periods of his teen years he was actually homeless and picked up by the police to be relocated to family who also never came for him when this happened. He says he has forgiven his parents. He talks to his dad on the phone sometimes but hasn't seen him for 8 years. He never talks to his mum and he hasn't seen her for about 15 years. His younger sister was taken to Canada with his mum at the time which I think also adds to the rejection. But he loves his sister and chats to her every week.

Consequently after all of that trauma, if we have a disagreement, which we do sometimes (our minds work very different to each other)... afterward I will see him start to withdraw and look terrified. I've asked him about these times and he says he is so scared I'm going to just leave him. Once he overheard me when we were on holiday, I was talking to a friend about my ex husband and how I one day had enough and just left. My partner told me he was going to go home and he'll see me later. I had no idea that he would be triggered by my comment - the part where I 'just left' my husband. It made him doubt that maybe I'd do that to him. The problem was that we were on holiday and he was planning to just run away and leave me there!! (We talked and he didn't leave. He did break down and cry though).
He's told me everyone he ever loved abandoned him.. which I take it that he puts failed relationships in the same category.
We do everything together, and I've had to remind him about me also being an independant woman. Sometimes if I want to go on a walk I want to do it alone, this makes him feel rejected.
I've encouraged him to go out on the town with his mates and he would rather stay in with me. He doesn't go out to the pub unless I go as well.

Now this all sounds very clingy when I write a condensed version - our day to day life isn't clingy. He goes off to work, I work. We are happy to see each other afterward. On weekends he's often in the garden or the shed out the back and I'm doing my own thing in the house.

I really just want some advice on how I can help this man. I have reassured him that I'm not going anywhere. Every time we've disagreed I've told him straight after that I love him and I'm not going anywhere. But I see that fear in him. It makes me sad that he can't feel confident in our relationship. It probably doesn't help that I told him early on that I don't want to get married again. But I'm sticking with my views on that one because I feel I also need to respect my own needs and wants. It wouldn't be right to get married just to ease his insecurities.

Advice?

Thank you for the helpful comments - I do like the idea of doing some kind of therapy together so that we can have open communication and I can also know where he's at and how to plan the approach.

To the others who would like to warn me about controlling behaviours and say I'm naive.... what is your actual advice? To leave? Is that what you do for anyone who's a traumatised by a childhood event that was out of their control? I would say to all of you that you need to reflect on your empathy and your ability to provide constructive advice. I'm nearly 40, worked as a nurse for 15 years... I have teenagers and one failed marriage under my belt. I've been around. I'm pretty wild and free, nobody holds me back. Even with kids I've maintained my own interests, trekking kokoda and everest base camp. If you asked my family if I'd be held back by someone who tried to control me they'd laugh at you. Perhaps some people would be vulnerable to that, but not me.

I am seeing a LOVELY man and I want to be able to help him with his broken heart. I wouldn't make effort for someone who didn't deserve my time and assistance. This man is so proud of me and my approach to life. He is kind and helpful. He literally will give the shirt off his back to help others and he expects nothing in return. Some of you need to take a little more time to read more carefully, and not just jump to conclusions/make assumptions. If you don't have constructive advice, don't give advice.

Thank you to the people who were helpful and kind, I am going to look into online couples therapy for trauma victims.

OP you sound lovely and also strong, I'm glad you have no time for some of the more thoughtless responses. The trouble with MN advice is that so many posters project their own experiences instead of reading properly, and people are so obsessed with "red flags" that the idea of a man who's criticised his exes will override every other detail (as if they've never criticised their exes).

The thing to bear in mind is that helping him is above your paygrade (and above everyone in this thread's too), so for yourself you have to work hard not to feel the weight of that responsibility. The question is how to get him into therapy of his own volition and I think the suggestions of framing it as a positive for him and couples therapy are strong ones. Also bear in mind that it might take a few goes to find the therapist that's right for him - there are bad ones out there, and there are also good ones whose approach just isn't right for you. Helps to do thorough research but like any professional service there's an element of risk - just don't let that put him off if his first experience isn't what he wants.

Sorry but you do sound a bit naive. How do you know his version (or all of it) is true but at least some of it sounds far fetched.

Whatever the reason, he needs therapy, and don’t be a saviour or try to fix his emotional issues.

If you asked my family if I'd be held back by someone who tried to control me they'd laugh at you. Perhaps some people would be vulnerable to that, but not me.

As it goes I don't think it's possible to tell at all if he's controlling, but this is a really ignorant and actually quite disgusting view. Many women who are in controlling relationships are strong, intelligent and switched on women, to suggest otherwise is a bit victim blaming.

He literally will give the shirt off his back to help others and he expects nothing in return

Well he does expect something in return- people to be emotionally beholden to his past trauma. I also do find it odd as a PP mentioned that all of his exes happened to be controlling and manipulative, that's usually a red flag and a way to make your current partner wary of challenging them or disagreeing.

Honestly none of these replies seem outrageous or randomly rude, many have valid points.

I am seeing a LOVELY man and I want to be able to help him with his broken heart

Also he has to want to help himself and be proactive in doing so. You can't 'fix' him, if he's serious about wanting things to work with you I'm sure he will more than keen to look into this.

If you asked my family if I'd be held back by someone who tried to control me they'd laugh at you. Perhaps some people would be vulnerable to that, but not me. I found this very othering.

I think the advice you don't want to hear is as valid as advice you welcome op.

If you react so defensively, you won't be able to consider your relationship from another point of view.

You are in a relationship. It's supposed to be one of equals, not one where one person is the fixer and the other is the fixee. That's codependency and it's not healthy.

Nor is his controlling behaviour, no matter how he dresses it up. I knew all his past relationships would have been with women who had tried to control him. That's a way of stopping you asserting your own rights.

Lots of people have suggested that he could do therapy online but you haven't responded to any of those suggestions. Why not? He needs professional help.

Mumsnet has been around for a while now. Some of us are long in the tooth and have lived the shit relationship, got the t-shirt and by this age turned it into dusters, which are useful.

You are currently flying the 'all he needs is the love of a good woman' flag. There's nothing we can say when you're that way inclined. No one could tell us either.
The comments aren't harsh, they're realistic and offered with the benefit of hindsight, which as we all know, is a wonderful thing.
Best of luck with him. Let's hope you're right.

The thing is, you only know what he’s telling you. How sure are you that he’s telling the truth, because it sounds incredibly far fetched, especially about both his parents leaving the country and abandoning him.

Just want to amplify this.

@Mammalys I think Clymene makes very valid points.

Be wary of thinking 'it could never happen to me' - that makes you vulnerable to missing/ignoring/denying the early warning signs. Those who are safest are those who think 'it could happen to me' - because they are watchful.

Also those who say 'it could never happen to me' often find it very shameful to admit it has happened to them. They then cover it up because they don't want to admit it has happened to them.

I had a short relationship with someone who was controlling. I got out early - because I was aware it could happen to me and I was honest with myself about the early warning signs.

I suspect this explains a fair bit:

I feel that it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in

You can't reassure him you are not going to leave him because you don't know that. Life changes, nothing lasts forever. You have to enjoy the present and he needs to realise that too.

Yeah, this bit is worrying
Where do your Teens come into this? Presumably you all live together

OP, do you think there is a bit of Florence Nightingale syndrome going on here?

He literally will give the shirt off his back to help others and he expects nothing in return.
But he does - look at everything you're doing to make sure he feels safe and not 'abandoned'! Look at all the emotional work you're doing for him!

I am going to look into online couples therapy for trauma victims.
Why couples therapy? You don't have past trauma. Don't try to fix him; he needs to fix himself.

His comment about all his exes being controlling is a huge red flag too.

You've had great advice here. I hope you read it with an open mind.

Just agreeing with everyone else - you can't fix it. He must fix it and in 2023, with zoom therapy a completely standard practice, there is no excuse.

I watched my SIL shrivel in a similar situation. Today, I want nothing to do with ex BIL but I do feel slightly sorry for him. He is the product of his trauma. But, he refused and refused and refused to seek help and in fact seemed to love the fact that his past trauma meant he didn't have to take responsibility for things. The irony is that he has lost everything now and is "reliving" his trauma but still can't see himself as anything but an innocent victim.

If you really love this man, don't let him become my exBIL.

Someone I know with similar issues was massively helped by psychoanalysis. As a PP mentioned it involves accepting the grief of the child and powerlessness felt when totally reliant on adults for life, safety, security, love, then moving onto to a more conscious present day knowledge and understanding that we can be responsible for our own needs and it is no longer that life threatening abandonment because we are not dependent on those adults for life, though we are still feeling and reacting as if we are vulnerable.

Not a psychologist so that probably sounds overly simplistic but I think it was the gist! It has had a transformative effect on my friend’s life with the help of lots of disciplined rethinking of reactions, thought processes and openness to change. Just them sharing it with me has also helped my understanding of my own life and how the past affects the present but that it can be changed.

I know your DP is anxious about therapy but I agree that an anonymous out of area zoom person is a very good idea. Also can he start to read around this subject and discuss things with you more.

Finding success in things he is good at, developing hobbies, friends and doing things more independently would also build up confidence in himself to manage his own life and not to be so unhealthily vulnerable and dependent on you.

I hope he can make some progress. You sound strong, kind and an amazing partner.

Why won't he get therapy?

The small town issue is a crazy red herring. Do you not go to the doctors because you think the doctor will be gossiping about your medical issues on Facebook? Of course not... It's the same with a therapist.

Do you really think a therapist will go down to the pub after a session with your DP, and say "You'll never guess what Mr Mammalys told me today!...". Of course not! You must know that. He must know that... and besides, it's not even like he has any issues that are especially embarrassing if they were shared...

Anyway, what's wrong with going to a neighbouring town or via Zoom?

You're too deep in to smell a rat OP, but I'm afraid I do.

Anyway, whether his story is completely or not, and however kind he may be in other ways, he is being very emotionally manipulative here, whether he recognises it or not.

Thanks guys. The reason I like the idea of couples therapy is because we can all discuss this trauma rather than him trying to get through it and then me not having a clue how to go about handling it also. I'd also like to know what strategies they advise to help with this.

His trauma is real - I've chatted to his sister who still lives in Canada and she confirmed the back story. Interesting that she keeps contact with her mother, while my partner keeps contact with his father. Both of them don't speak to the opposite parent. I also found my partner upset one day and he said he had asked his dad to come visit and spend time with his granddaughter who is now 13. He basically said no.. so my partner then confronted him via text and then showed me the exchange. When he mentioned that he never seemed to care much about him to be able to just leave in the way he did his dads response was "I've never claimed that I was a good father". And then he told my partner that if he wants to fight over the past he can go and get F'd. We are in Australia, so my partner has his 13yo daughter here and no other family.
He loves my family because it's a big family and they've welcomed him with open arms.

It's a little sad that people here can't view someone they don't know without making judgements and assumptions about how they conduct themselves. Me saying I'm not stuck in a controlling relationship is not trying to dismiss other people in that situation. It's me saying if there were signs of controlling nature I'd be out of there.

It's not wrong to want to help someone you love to get past something. That's not Florence nightingale syndrome. I don't need to save him.. I love him how he is.. but like any supportive partner you want to see your significant other flourish. So when you see something that could be better you want to encourage the right things to allow space for that to happen. I'm well aware he will need to do the work himself. There would be something wrong with ME if I stood back and said hey, your problem, don't look to me for support.

Anyway, it's weird having to come on here and justify why I want to be a supportive partner. Looks like the advice from many is RED FLAG, LEAVE.

Most people have not told you to leave. People have said that he needs to address his trauma, on his own. No one has said they don't believe his trauma.

Why is it you think he will be okay with going to couples therapy in your small town where everyone knows everyone and he won't go to therapy on his own?

Of course you should be supportive to a partner. But he needs to put the work in and right now the only person who seems to be putting any effort into fixing him is you. And you can't fix someone else.

I wish you luck.

Its you getting defensive OP, people aren't saying to leave but to be more open minded about the whole picture.

Anyway, it's weird having to come on here and justify why I want to be a supportive partner. Looks like the advice from many is RED FLAG, LEAVE.

The default advice on MN is "RED FLAG, LEAVE" regardless of the situation. And mental health is almost always seen as something you should take care of if it's your own, but anyone around you with mental health problems should be dropped like a hot potato.

How sure are you that he’s telling the truth, because it sounds incredibly far fetched, especially about both his parents leaving the country and abandoning him.

I mean this is ludicrous. The poster is suggesting that she - who only knows of your partner second-hand through what you've said - is better able to tell he's falsifying his life story than you, his actual partner, can. And sadly people with crap parents ending up in relationships with crap people isn't at all far-fetched to me.

It seems he could be suffering from PTSD and that needs professional help. Your idea of joint counselling is a good idea, and could be a way into the issue without making it all about him.

The only thing that concerns me is whether your own freedom and social life has been compromised because he can't cope if you go out on your own. Everyone needs their own space sometimes.

I very much doubt you'd qualify for couples therapy simply because the problem has nothing to do with you two as a couple. The issues - at least the ones you've mentioned here - are all his, and he needs to WANT to work on them to start with.

You cannot reassure him that you won't leave him... because that's a lie. You may one day leave him. He may leave you. Relationships break all the time. He does not need reassurance that "people are not going to abandon him". He needs the tools and skills to cope and deal with the uncertainty of human relationships (not only romantic relationships), because human relationships ARE uncertain. He needs to learn to deal with that uncertainty in the same way he deals with other uncertainties which have a similar risk, but have not become a trauma in his life. The uncertainty of car accidents. The uncertainty of getting cancer. The uncertainty of losing his job. Does he obsess about any of these things? Most likely he doesn't, because he recognises those risks are part of life and you can only try to mitigate them the best you can. He needs to reach the same position with his fear of abandonment, and as it stems from childhood trauma, he WILL need the help of a professional. And not in your presence, because most likely there will be things that come out that he will not want to share with anybody else, not even - or especially - the closest to him.