Partner has abandonment issues

[Mammalys]

Hi everyone,

I'm looking for ways to help my partner get through some things. He will not go to therapy, and we live in a small town with limited resources for things like that. And you know, small town = everyone knows everyone so he won't speak to someone locally.

I adore my mister... he is amazing. We've only been together 3 years. He is super attentive, thoughtful, emotionally mature. Super affectionate He makes me coffee every morning. He is respectful. He tells his friends lovely things about me. He checks in to make sure I'm okay often. He asks how my day was and is actually interested in my day. He is all the things I could ask for after leaving a marriage that was emotionally void and believing I would be alone forever. He is good to my two teenage kids and they love him. Our relationship happened much quicker than I would normally allow due to circumstances. In 2020 I lost my job due to covid and he was made redundant. I was going to lose lose on this... but as he got a payout with his redundancy he bought a bus. We moved into the bus because that was our only option while I sold my house. We have since relocated and it just so happened that the rental market was insanely difficult, so when we finally got a house we moved in together there too. I dont have any regrets about it, he is amazing.

He has taught me how to actually properly communicate in a relationship. I feel that it's the healthiest relationship I've ever been in.

However... this poor man is terrified of being abandoned. The back story to this... is that he was born in England, and when he was 15 his parents divorced. One moved to Canada, one moved to new Zealand. They left him there. For some periods of his teen years he was actually homeless and picked up by the police to be relocated to family who also never came for him when this happened. He says he has forgiven his parents. He talks to his dad on the phone sometimes but hasn't seen him for 8 years. He never talks to his mum and he hasn't seen her for about 15 years. His younger sister was taken to Canada with his mum at the time which I think also adds to the rejection. But he loves his sister and chats to her every week.

Consequently after all of that trauma, if we have a disagreement, which we do sometimes (our minds work very different to each other)... afterward I will see him start to withdraw and look terrified. I've asked him about these times and he says he is so scared I'm going to just leave him. Once he overheard me when we were on holiday, I was talking to a friend about my ex husband and how I one day had enough and just left. My partner told me he was going to go home and he'll see me later. I had no idea that he would be triggered by my comment - the part where I 'just left' my husband. It made him doubt that maybe I'd do that to him. The problem was that we were on holiday and he was planning to just run away and leave me there!! (We talked and he didn't leave. He did break down and cry though).
He's told me everyone he ever loved abandoned him.. which I take it that he puts failed relationships in the same category.
We do everything together, and I've had to remind him about me also being an independant woman. Sometimes if I want to go on a walk I want to do it alone, this makes him feel rejected.
I've encouraged him to go out on the town with his mates and he would rather stay in with me. He doesn't go out to the pub unless I go as well.

Now this all sounds very clingy when I write a condensed version - our day to day life isn't clingy. He goes off to work, I work. We are happy to see each other afterward. On weekends he's often in the garden or the shed out the back and I'm doing my own thing in the house.

I really just want some advice on how I can help this man. I have reassured him that I'm not going anywhere. Every time we've disagreed I've told him straight after that I love him and I'm not going anywhere. But I see that fear in him. It makes me sad that he can't feel confident in our relationship. It probably doesn't help that I told him early on that I don't want to get married again. But I'm sticking with my views on that one because I feel I also need to respect my own needs and wants. It wouldn't be right to get married just to ease his insecurities.

Advice?

Could have written this myself but my relationship is 10 years on
We have different onion layers but it's basically the other way around that I'm anxious attached
He is avoidant attached and it's dysfunctional but we are so devoted to each other and our family

My friend told me to go to therapy I have tried so many and I never found it helpful just boring.
Finally when I was cracking up under loads of issues I went to see the therapist

We are seven sessions in and my self awareness is what is going to help me to help my husband just like he did for me for 7 years of total hell, chronic health problems, x3 kids all before 30!! I couldn't even tell her I thought my marriage wasn't as basically stream lined as it could be
Fuck me, I thought I was honest to myself and my flaws but I didn't even know how wounded I was

I look in the mirror for my problems and out the window for a solution
It's a really bad way to be. It can give the ick. I try to engage at the same level with him. My therapist mentioned about I thought it was called interaction analysis but I think it's transaction

And I had a click moment when I realised I could actually make some changes to our life

I try to go into a playful mode with him to tease some fun out but you know what

He doesn't have his cup filled up from socialising and I do

So Finally and finally now it took me 9 years

I've made some friends and I go out

What my husband does with his time is his choice, I've explained he has lost drive because he put himself last

This is such a ramble

Look this isn't the wrong way

But as someone who sits on one leg hoping to look pretty constantly and thin and sexy and perfect and I'm a fraud let me tell you how if I heard my husband say anything about being vindictive or leaving in a hypothetical way

I would be crushed

Sometimes if I want to go on a walk I want to do it alone, this makes him feel rejected.

If his feelings are this extreme but he refuses to have counselling, then he is basically saying he will always hold you responsible for his reactions. He will always do sad face and therefore emotionally blackmail you for doing completely normal, healthy things without him.

If he really adores you as he claims, he would have some therapy even if remotely on zoom.

He refuses to do so and would prefer to continue behaving in an unhealthy way, which has a negative effect on you, as he won't prioritise you and your relationship over his own discomfort.

Most people haven't said 'LTB', they've said that him being unwilling to seek help for his behaviour is unfair, unhealthy and means this relationship isn't as healthy as you think it is.

It's not an attack on you, or him really, just factual that being with someone whose behaviour affects you negatively, who refuses to proactively get help for that behaviour, does not make for a healthy relationship.

@Mammalys I'm glad you're considering couples therapy with a trauma specialist. Anything that affects a relationship is a relationship issue imho. Exploring in a safe environment how the trauma is manifesting will be really helpful for you both. I've been there and its worked for my relationship. Your dp will likely feel safer with you entering this together, and through the process it will become clear that he needs to give you room to breathe and learn to trust. Obviously this will only happen if he is ready and open. It may or may not work but it's an approach to try. The therapist will also be able to identify further sources or types of therapy that may be helpful to him, including things like cbt etc.

On the other hand, it may also expose that he isn't ready or open to healing from the trauma, or seeing how this is affecting your relationship. In which case at least you will feel like you've tried, and you'll know where you stand. It may help you both come to terms with a split being necessary, which might make things easier. Wishing you the best of luck, he does sound like someone worth working this through with.

Thank you for the advice about not telling him I won't leave all the time. I think its a valid point that no one can promise. I'm guessing just reassurance that I love him is enough. He doesn't actually ever ask me if I'm going to leave I just see the fear in his face and know what he's thinking so I would reassure that I'm not going anywhere.

It's been 3 years and I've waited for him to initiate getting some help. I havnt pushed him. So I think lately I've just been thinking it's time I helped him to move on. And I see now that therapy is def the way to go. It will have to be online therapy. I've seen a few psychologists in my time to get things off my chest and never really found it particularly helpful, but I see in him it's more complicated than just needing to vent things to someone.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can see that the cause of this crushing feeling would come from something deep.

I'm so glad you have a wonderful hubby by your side. Congratulations on seeking help I think its very daunting to a lot of people. Xx

And mental health is almost always seen as something you should take care of if it's your own, but anyone around you with mental health problems should be dropped like a hot potato.

There's a massive difference in having mental health issues and seeking support and refusing it. I'd struggle to be with someone who had such attachment issues that he felt rejected if I went for a walk on my own - it would be utterly suffocating - whatever the backstory.

@Mammalys - this isn't a kind or loving way for your DP to act, its manipulative and controlling. Yes, there may be trauma that leads to him behaving like that, but that's no excuse... Most people who are manipulative and controlling are likely to have experiences when they were growing up that contributed to their behaviour now.

For instance, we don't excuse a child abuser because they were abused as a child... Stalin and Hitler had very abusive childhoods that likely contributed to them behaving the way they did. We don't excuse them do we. Obviously, your DP is not a child abuser or a genocidal dictator, but the principle are the same.

The first paragraph of my previous post was a quote from @gannett that I was responding to...

@gerbilcrocus I disagree. I walk on my own every day and he made that comment to me once. I responded that walking is my quiet time and helps me recentre. He hasn't said anything about it since and doesn't make me feel guilty for it. He always accepts when I do my own thing, and is able to rationalise and understand that it's healthy for me to have my own interests.

@gannet is correct. Our society seems to think anyone who is a little bit broken deserves help but no one wants to put their hand up and stand by to support. Throw away society even includes people! Let's hope everyone who wouldn't stand by is a perfect partner and never needs support!!

Once he overheard me when we were on holiday, I was talking to a friend about my ex husband and how I one day had enough and just left. My partner told me he was going to go home and he'll see me later. I had no idea that he would be triggered by my comment - the part where I 'just left' my husband. It made him doubt that maybe I'd do that to him. The problem was that we were on holiday and he was planning to just run away and leave me there!!

He was going to leave you there?

@Frogger8395 flight response I guess, he didn't leave me there - if he had've left me there I am a big girl and would have been fine to make my own way home, but it would have been the end of our relationship. This was my very first indication that there was an issue around abandonment and I was quite shocked and had a lot to say to him about it. He apologised, and that was when I learned about his childhood.
We didn't leave the function either, I sat outside with him to chat for a bit and then we rejoined everyone else. The next day we had a very big talk about it.

Surprisingly if I repeat back to him a story of something he said or did, such as this one he can see it for what it is. He frequently self reflects and comes to me to talk about things he needs to do, or to apologise if we were arguing about something. I find him very approachable and he takes ownership of anything said or done. I'm a go with the flow and live for the day person, so this is probably the first time I've thought about it in a way that perhaps I should help him with this fear he has.

He has other fears like something might happen to me in terms of safety. He has said this to me, but that part I havnt noticed as such. He'll say things like 'drive safely' if I'm heading out and its raining but that's about it.

If he's reflectful that's half the battle and makes me hopeful for you both. He's very lucky to have you OP. I'd tackle it from the perspective that you want to learn more about how best to support him as you learn more about his trauma and maybe a joint therapist will be helpful to you both. I suppose it's about carving out dedicated time to make sure his experiences in the past are treated with the respect, tenderness and importance they deserve, from both of you.

I feel for your partner OP. I am exactly like him and it stems from abandonment. I think a lot of the comments regarding him are quite harsh. It really isn’t a nice feeling. Has he seeked help yet?

Don't get involved with a "fixer upper."

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. You can't fix him, and you will end up miserable because you want to (because you're a good person) and you can't.

There are plenty of excellent therapists that work online. He needs to want to sort out his issues. Support him while he does it-but you mustn't,mustn't take on his issues yourself.

And (I suspect this will go down really badly) commitment and abandonment issues are often used as excuses for bad behaviour. Be very, very wary. I'm not saying he's doing this-it does sound as if he's had a shit time. But look after yourself.

@Mammalys
People spout a lot of shit about mental health and being open about it but the reality is most people run a mile when someone admits to mental health issues.
Your partner has obviously been severely traumatised by what happened to him.
His parents behaved in an inhumane way. I wouldn't be remotely surprised if what he remembers isn't just the tip of the iceberg.

People who have never suffered trauma don't understand why he doesn't go for therapy.
I've suffered trauma as a child which was torture and the treatment involves reliving that torture chamber every day to try and make sense of it and reduce or remove the triggers.
It is fucking brutal.

Anyway, thank you for sticking by a fellow sufferer.

@Mammalys Don't get involved with a "fixer upper."

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true. You can't fix him, and you will end up miserable because you want to (because you're a good person) and you can't.

There are plenty of excellent therapists that work online. He needs to want to sort out his issues. Support him while he does it-but you mustn't,mustn't take on his issues yourself.

And (I suspect this will go down really badly) commitment and abandonment issues are often used as excuses for bad behaviour. Be very, very wary. I'm not saying he's doing this-it does sound as if he's had a shit time. But look after yourself.

I was abandoned, have been by every relationship ive been in from a child .Its a lasting hollow within, the fear. It can be crippling, for everyone. As another post said, zoom counseling, there's loads now, i looked for one... counseling is too long waiting list here on nhs and it only deals with basic stuff. He should do this. Hes very lucky to have you and visa versa, he sounds lovely.

But he doesn’t have a broken heart, he has childhood trauma. He needs professional support. It isn’t a communication issue and you can’t love him better. You sound like a kind person but also somewhat naieve if you think you can support him in a complex issue that has had years to fester, resulting into some very unhealthy habits.

The independent woman who knows her mind will slowly alter her behaviour to support the man she loves and before she knows it, she will less and less independent.

You can’t help someone if they don’t want to be helped and he hasn’t given you any indication that he wants help with his issues. If love and good intentions could solve childhood trauma on its own, a huge number of counsellors, therapists, psychologists would be out of work. Your well meaning could be making things worse for him because he’s less likely to seek help for something you are willing to accommodate.