Help me find strength to leave a narcissist.

[Bone11]

Hello, exactly that really. I need some support. Currently being given the silent treatment again for standing up for myself. A comment he made upset me, I told him calmly I didn't think that was acceptable and he escalated rapidly and defensively to a swearing sarcastic message. He has effectively dismissed me and told me we won't speak until next week. Called me insane. Told me it was a joke, it was nothing and he doesn't need this fucking shit. This is off the back of a lovebombing period of showering me with affection and compliments and wanting to be together forever. It's been 2 years and this pattern keeps repeating and I am so addicted to the highs and so devastated by the lows. I'm worn out. But I am too scared to end it because the good times are so good. I love him so much. I feel so loved, most of the time. Completely cherished in the good times. I know this isn't good enough, that I should feel loved all of the time, but my own insecurities are overwhelming. I feel so sad. I want to be loved so much. I feel like he is the first person to ever truly love me, I'm divorced in my 40s.I want to be with him forever but not like this. I'm devastated by his words and actions yet again. I have been reading about narcissism and it is giving me some clarity but I just don't think I can end it even though I think I need to.

Someone like this will never change. How practical would it be to leave? Are you married? Kids?

Not married, no kids together. Practically it would be very easy. Emotionally or feels impossible. I think I have the warped view that with him I will know the love I want most of the time, without him I will be heartbroken all of the time.

It’s black and white thinking, yes. The reality will be more grey and there’s room for all your feelings -

you might feel sad about the loss, angry with him, love him, miss him, you might feel lonely and scared for a while, you might - will very likely - find a newfound security in yourself as you let yourself ride the waves and find that you can actually feel okay on your own.

Thank you. I feel so scared at the enormity of being alone. I don't know if I'm just being oversensitive and should just accept we have different communication styles around conflict. Mars/venus etc. He lashes out and then retreats, I cry and apologise even if I don't need to and want to talk and resolve. I haven't done that this time though, my last message was it is unacceptable to me to be given the silent treatment. I need to hold firm on that I guess. But I'm so sad.

You like the idea of being in love

You need to leave him asap to give yourself the space to breathe and find someone who's right for you

Which you will

I personally would find your current situation so intolerable that I would just leave and never contact him again

I would then hang out more with friends, family or join a gym with a pool, join some evening classes etc to get myself busy, motivated abs happy

This isn’t a Mars/Venus thing, it’s an anxious/avoidant attachment conflict

I feel so scared at the enormity of being alone.

Have you ever had any time alone in your adult life? Eg living alone?

It’s possible it feels enormous because it’s triggering some unresolved pain from childhood (when feelings feel very big and global). Did you have anything like an absent parent, a parent leave or parents who weren’t emotionally attentive to you?

It took me quite a fair bit of counselling to leave mine. Hardest thing I've ever done. It might be more than you can do on your own. But honestly it will be so so worth the heartache and once you're out you'll feel amazing. Be strong

What kind of counselling would I try to find? I don't have experience of that (obviously!) and to be honest even that feels too daunting. I just want to make things good again. That's the cycle though isn't it, I'm now desperate to fix things that aren't my fault so that he will be nice to me again. I was very very lonely in my long marriage, I can only assume that is why I am so needy. Even while I'm considering this thread, I'm terrified he will leave me.

I was alone for over a year before this relationship.

Op, I’ve been in a very similar position. If you can find a well respected EMDR therapist I’d highly recommend it. What you experience in this kind of relationship is trauma and your brain struggles to process it, you self doubt and feel like maybe YOU are the issue and the confidence knock this behaviour causes makes it harder and harder to leave.

You will only find a decent relationship when you don’t need the external validation and apparent ‘safety’ the love bombing gives you. You need to find this for yourself. As a pp has stated this is VERY difficult to manage without help from a professional.

its a hard road, but finding yourself and your strength at the end of it is worth it. Imagine never having to feel that gut punch when they pull the rug ever again…

My counseling was through the NHS. It wasn't CBT but the other kind, can't remember which though! Honestly it was amazing. You need to be open minded to not fixing this though. Work on your own self esteem and self worth and you'll realise you are much better off without him and being on your own is ok. My counsellor was excellent at validating my feelings and getting me out of the denial I was in. Once I saw him for what he was and what he was doing to me there was no going back and now I can't see him as anything but my abuser. Possibly worth contacting women's aid if you think it could be emotional abuse etc. They have just put me in touch with my local abuse services. Please be brave and have the courage to take the first steps into reaching out for help. It's taken me an awfully long time, like 3 years to get to the point I'm at!! It's incredibly hard to do. But so worth it!

I don't think you will make things good again, I'm afraid. Once they've devalued you, you never get back on the pedestal. It's horrible, but the good thing is that you seem to recognise it for what it is.

Try to feel sorry for him - he will never know real love, as narcissists aren't wired that way. You will find someone else who's worthy of you, and he will move on to the next woman who will 'let him down' (in his head) by not being as perfect as he thought. Not sorry enough to take him back though, however much he tries to hoover you back up.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

I think you can self refer for CBT at our GP practice anyway . If that's awkward, we found an excellent telephone counsellor for my husband during lockdown just on google. You can read their CVs online and find one the specialises in the area you need . Can be face to face as well, of course . Just a few sessions might be useful ?

Any “good” is temporary only. You can’t make things permanently good in this relationship.

if your friend was in this situation what would you advise her to do?

I couldn’t be in a relationship with a person I didn’t respect, and I couldn’t respect someone who treated me in this way. He enjoys the power of choosing when to be nice, and when to take it away again. The more you allow this the more he will do it. And the less he will respect you. You are not in a relationship of equals.

You're worth better than someone who makes you feel like this. A normal relationship makes you feel happy, safe and secure. That someone has your back. This isn't any of that.

And he doesn't love you. As blunt as that sounds. He only loves himself. You may be on your own for a while, but that sounds a lot more stable than living like this. You have the strength to do this, you just don't know it yet

He has still not been in contact. I am trying to be strong but it hurts so much. I've kept myself busy. I know he needs to apologise for how he spoke to me, but I don't think he will. And if he doesn't, I can't accept that can I. If he comes back in a few days minimising everything that's just not good enough is it. I know this, but it just hurts so much. I really do appreciate the replies. Any hand holding today would be very welcome. I feel so sad and upset. I keep checking my phone hoping he's got in touch.

I feel so worthless.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. The silent treatment is so cruel and horrible. It's strange how someone completely ignoring you can feel like such a continuous slap in the face. It's weirdly aggressive.

You sound like a smart woman. You know you deserve better than this. You know what he's doing is unacceptable. And you know he's not going to change and it's not going to get better.

It gets harder to leave the longer you stay. The "good" times become more short-lived and the bad times get worse. It'll get to the point that you can't even enjoy when he's being nice to you because you're so on edge waiting for things to go south again. It's such a nauseating rollercoaster that even the highs aren't fun anymore.

You are absolutely strong enough to leave, and you will always have support here.

I can't thank you enough for replying. I'm struggling so much today. I must be so stupid to have ever believed I could be loved like that. Looking back I can't believe anything was real now. I let him convince me I was beautiful and lovely and oh what a fool I have been. I don't feel smart I feel pathetic and I feel like all my insecurities must be true after all.

How he treats you does not define your worth. In a way none of it is about you. It's easy to feel that if we're being treated this way, it must be because we deserve it, and that we don't deserve to be loved. But an abuser will treat anyone that way. In fact, it's more gratifying for them to try to tear down someone who's strong, smart, beautiful, successful, etc.

I remember feeling comforted when I read about the abuse that Mel B went through. Her story had so many similarities to my own, and I was thinking "she's someone who's SO successful, was in one of the biggest pop groups in the world, is known for her feisty personality, and yet the same thing happened to her". It made me feel not so bad that it happened to me.

You deserve to be loved. You deserve someone who makes you feel good about yourself, who listens to your feelings and comforts you when you're down. You deserve stability.

Don't feel stupid. All you did was believe someone you loved. There is nothing stupid about that.

It's how they operate. Love bombing, during which they wheedle out your insecurities, as after all, you are soulmates, aren't you? Then they can use them against you when the devalue starts. Anything can tip them from love-bombing into devalue mode - something you say that was perfectly ok yesterday but annoys them today, something you do with the best of intentions, a refusal to go along with their belief that they are better than everyone else, even just buying yourself something that is better than theirs! After the devalue they get increasingly cruel, and each time is worse than the one before. They hoover you back with apologies and excuses and it all starts again, but the love bomb stage gets shorter every time, and the cruelty worse. Eventually there will be a discard - either they will leave you for someone else, cause a massive argument, or just ghost you.

It hurts, all of it. Looking back at the 'good times' hurts the most, as you realise that they weren't real. He probably meant what he said at the time, as I think they do want to be in love, and hope for a proper relationship, so you weren't being stupid to believe him. It's just that they can't have one, as they aren't wired normally, so every partner will fall short one way or another, and their version of love (which is really infatuation) turns to hate when they feel they have been let down yet again.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I still think you should leave now - totally, completely and absolutely. Block him, delete him, freeze him out. It will be the best thing you've ever done.
x

Hi OP

Silent treatment is a form of abuse, it's used as a form of control, so you stop sticking up for yourself in the fear of more silent treatment, it is absolutely torturous and this time will be horrendous for you.
You'll start walking on eggs shells to avoid conflict or just doing things to please him to avoid pissing him off, it will never be a healthy relationship and it will wear you down so thin.

I doubt he will ever change, men like him rarely do.

Really consider your future.
You sound like a lovely women.

Good luck