Help me find strength to leave a narcissist.

[Bone11]

Hello, exactly that really. I need some support. Currently being given the silent treatment again for standing up for myself. A comment he made upset me, I told him calmly I didn't think that was acceptable and he escalated rapidly and defensively to a swearing sarcastic message. He has effectively dismissed me and told me we won't speak until next week. Called me insane. Told me it was a joke, it was nothing and he doesn't need this fucking shit. This is off the back of a lovebombing period of showering me with affection and compliments and wanting to be together forever. It's been 2 years and this pattern keeps repeating and I am so addicted to the highs and so devastated by the lows. I'm worn out. But I am too scared to end it because the good times are so good. I love him so much. I feel so loved, most of the time. Completely cherished in the good times. I know this isn't good enough, that I should feel loved all of the time, but my own insecurities are overwhelming. I feel so sad. I want to be loved so much. I feel like he is the first person to ever truly love me, I'm divorced in my 40s.I want to be with him forever but not like this. I'm devastated by his words and actions yet again. I have been reading about narcissism and it is giving me some clarity but I just don't think I can end it even though I think I need to.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am really appreciative of the support from everyone. You are right, I know you are. I feel so incredibly low. I can't stop crying. The pain is unbearable. I've never known heartbreak like this, I feel physically and mentally broken. My self esteem is non existent and I am so lonely. I'm trying to remember to eat and drink but I can't really face it.

It might sound harsh, but what I would try to do is think 'what is he doing now?'...and I'd bet dollars to donuts he isn't crying. He's out living his life, seeing his friends etc. You should be too, even if it's just going for a walk around the block.

No one who really loved you even 5% would treat you this way. Would you treat anyone - not even necessarily someone you love - this way?

No, I would never treat anyone like this. That is part of the hurt. I know logically it can't be justified. It's disgraceful behaviour isn't it. My head knows this. But my heart is broken and I'm desperate for ways to fix it. I know it can't be fixed. I'm so sad.

It's so bloody childish...'You did something I didn't like, so I'm going to pretend you don't exist to punish you!'... any adult who feels they need to 'punish' another adult isn't an adult at all, but a pathetic child who hasn't grown up.

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life having to watch every single thing you say or do so you won't set him off? The 'highs' aren't real, they are merely the calm before the storm..and the storm is who he really is, someone who treats people badly.

The only way it can be 'fixed' is for you to capitulate to him, to act as if his feelings, wants etc are more important to yours, that he can say what he likes to you - no matter how horrible - and you will end up apologising to him for it!

Some things in life can be 'fixed' but shouldn't be. This is definitely one of them.

I've been there too. You know you have to leave for your own peace of mind. You can't make sense of these things & the way they behave because it's not something the average person would do. It's cruel, evil behaviour. Can you get some space away from him for a few days to get your head straight?

He's has still not been in touch. So I don't need to take space from him, he's forced space already. He has taken what he needs, what suits him, regardless of the impact on me. He knows how much this is hurting me, but I imagine he has completely blocked that out. Ironically he doesn't like being the bad guy so he'll just be in denial I expect. I'm finding it helpful talking on here, and I've confided in close friends who all agree with everyone here. Although I have physical space from him I need to work on getting mental space from him. That's the hardest thing. My head is overflowing. I'm actually doing OK in many ways, I'd moved on from my reliance on comfort eating and drinking years ago and haven't fallen off the wagon or even leaned over the edge despite feeling at my lowest these few days. That's actually a big improvement in my own coping methods. That has nothing to do with him just recognising my own growth.I have reached out to my friends and on here instead of keeping it all in. During my marriage I absorbed all of the difficulties out of loyalty and kept them secret but that wasn't a good thing and meant I bore it all alone. Reaching out this time is helping to share the load. Thank you. I just need to keep on trying to be busy and try to look after myself.

I am re reading all of your replies often and they are giving me strength and comfort.

A family member has recently left a marriage to a narcissist. What helped enormously was having counselling, first with a parent for moral support, and then individually. What gave them the strength to leave was confirmation from a third party, the counsellor, that the situation was not right, and the counsellor also suggesting contacting an abuse helpline. A year down the line and it is now plain as day to my relative that they were being abused and bullied, and they are in a much better place. It's hard to break the spell, but it can be done. Stay strong

I am thinking that it is good that we don't have financial ties, not married and don't share children. I wanted to marry this man and be with him forever. I just can't understand his behaviour. I don't think I ever will. I suppose I should stop wasting precious energy trying to understand him.

Your thread title shows that you know he's a narcissist. To have arrived at that conclusion you must know what their behaviour is like? This is typical. It is a sign that you have been devalued, and possibly discarded. If his new supply doesn't measure up he might be back, hoovering you up, sucking you in, so that he can have another round. At first it might be good again, but not for anything like as long as before. Then the nastiness will start, and become the norm (do you really want to live with that?) and then the discard will happen again. You have come this far - do you want to have to go through the past week again, and again, every time you say the wrong thing, or inadvertently irritate him?

You know enough about narcissism to diagnose him, so you know he is not going to change. He can't. The man who was nice to you at the start, who promised so much and delivered so little was fake. He may have believed that you were 'the one' at the time, but he only thought that as long as you boosted his ego and didn't step out of line. As soon as you did (and how could you not?) you fell off that pedestal, and were never going to get back on it.

Trust yourself. Would you advise a friend to keep trying, to go back for more, to lie at his feet to be trodden on again? I doubt it. Give yourself the same advice, and block him. Don't check his profile, or leave his chats open so you can see if he's online. Don't peep at his friends' (if he has any) or his family's accounts to see if he's featured there. Block and walk away.

I know this is hard - I really do. But it will get easier if you hold the line, and it will get so much harder if you don't.

Aw @Bone11, I have been there.
YOU hold the power here (but you do not know it right now) DO NOT hand him the power in waiting for him to contact you with his miserable excuses (or lack of them) BLOCK HIM
It is the start of a new journey for you and you WILL get there. It may take a while and it may not be easy at first.
Once you have worked on yourself (I did this without counselling) you will understand his behaviour and will not tolerate it ifrom anyone in future.
You got this Lovely Lady 💪❤