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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me find strength to leave a narcissist.

62 replies

Bone11 · 28/04/2023 18:56

Hello, exactly that really. I need some support. Currently being given the silent treatment again for standing up for myself. A comment he made upset me, I told him calmly I didn't think that was acceptable and he escalated rapidly and defensively to a swearing sarcastic message. He has effectively dismissed me and told me we won't speak until next week. Called me insane. Told me it was a joke, it was nothing and he doesn't need this fucking shit. This is off the back of a lovebombing period of showering me with affection and compliments and wanting to be together forever. It's been 2 years and this pattern keeps repeating and I am so addicted to the highs and so devastated by the lows. I'm worn out. But I am too scared to end it because the good times are so good. I love him so much. I feel so loved, most of the time. Completely cherished in the good times. I know this isn't good enough, that I should feel loved all of the time, but my own insecurities are overwhelming. I feel so sad. I want to be loved so much. I feel like he is the first person to ever truly love me, I'm divorced in my 40s.I want to be with him forever but not like this. I'm devastated by his words and actions yet again. I have been reading about narcissism and it is giving me some clarity but I just don't think I can end it even though I think I need to.

OP posts:
WormerWhep · 30/04/2023 16:07

Single parent here. Love the idea of finding true, lasting love though everytime I read a post like yours I think thank fuck that I'm not that bothered to.

uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 30/04/2023 16:14

Stay strong because each time you take them back or allow them to get away with abusing you, they push it even further the next time. And then they see it as your own fault that you let them get away with it!

Honestly, it's so much better being alone than being in a headfuck abusive relationship. It took me 10 years in time but so so many ruined relationships with friends and family before I was strong enough to leave for good. Im literally rebuilding my life but I feel proud of myself every day for everything I've achieved. Keep going, it's so hard to break the tie but it's worth it.

Abacusporttaco · 30/04/2023 16:56

Bone11 · 30/04/2023 14:48

I can't thank you enough for replying. I'm struggling so much today. I must be so stupid to have ever believed I could be loved like that. Looking back I can't believe anything was real now. I let him convince me I was beautiful and lovely and oh what a fool I have been. I don't feel smart I feel pathetic and I feel like all my insecurities must be true after all.

He’s making sure you feel as worthless as possible so you’re even easier for him to manipulate when he decides to get back in touch.

This is all calculated and designed to fuck you up and make him feel good and powerful.

Forget that at your peril…

Stratocumulus · 30/04/2023 18:24

EyeC · 30/04/2023 15:47

Hi OP

Silent treatment is a form of abuse, it's used as a form of control, so you stop sticking up for yourself in the fear of more silent treatment, it is absolutely torturous and this time will be horrendous for you.
You'll start walking on eggs shells to avoid conflict or just doing things to please him to avoid pissing him off, it will never be a healthy relationship and it will wear you down so thin.

I doubt he will ever change, men like him rarely do.

Really consider your future.
You sound like a lovely women.

Good luck

THIS!
And your story could be my story. I got out after years of narc’ and sex pest treatment and you can too. Believe in yourself. Go for it. A fresh new world awaits. This is know!

Happytohelp2 · 30/04/2023 18:37

You ARE beautiful and lovely but you do NOT need him or me or anyone else to tell you - you need to tell yourself those positive and true things and also tell yourself there is no reason to worry about him leaving you because you, lovely you, is going to leave him.
He has told you who he really is with his pathetic behaviour. You deserve much better than him and you’re not going to waste any more of your life engaging with this sad, manipulative, unpleasant, selfish specimen of a human.
Good luck and look forward to happier times ahead.

Original poster
Bone11 · 30/04/2023 23:21

Thank you all. It's very emotional reading your replies. I keep returning and re reading to give myself strength. Thank you for your support.

OP posts:
Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 01/05/2023 13:31

Hope you are ok today. Sending lots of strength your way.

HellonMN · 01/05/2023 13:33

Just tell him it's over and block him.

Original poster
Bone11 · 01/05/2023 17:38

Thank you for checking in. I am feeling much clearer today, I got a good nights sleep and have thought about things a lot. I've kept myself busy today. He has been briefly and sulkily in touch, ignoring everything. I have replied each time bringing it back to how his treatment of me is not acceptable and that he needs to apologise and that it can't happen again. I am not ready to just end things without trying this route first. I am not sure he will be able to do this, but I have now set out my expectations very clearly. Either this will help me to walk away if I need to, or things will improve. I recognise I need to seek counselling myself to protect myself, I'm so used to getting by rather than thriving from a self esteem point of view, if I value myself more I won't need to seek this from a relationship. Knowing this logically is one thing, doing it is another. I hope I can be strong enough to do what I need to do.

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 01/05/2023 17:49

This book is meant to be good. Empathises with both sides:

Help me find strength to leave a narcissist.
Original poster
Bone11 · 01/05/2023 18:00

Thank you, that does look interesting. I will check it out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bone11 · 01/05/2023 19:57

So I haven't heard anything since I set out my expectations earlier today. I guess that's my answer isn't it. I'm completely heartbroken and so sad. I wish he loved and valued me as I thought he did. I don't know how I'm going to get over this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bone11 · 01/05/2023 22:24

Still nothing. I'm resisting the urge to contact him. But all I want is to hear from him.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 01/05/2023 23:43

You're being so strong. I know it must be very difficult, but as you said his silence is his answer.

The thing is, even if he did apologise on this occasion, he's not going to not do it again. He doesn't know any other way to be in a relationship.

I know it really hurts now, but in time you'll come to see this as a liberating moment in your life.

Happytohelp2 · 02/05/2023 00:09

Well done. Be proud of yourself and try to focus on the future without this manipulator.
can you book yourself some nice things to look forward to? Meet-ups with friends, a trip to the cinema, maybe a few days away? Try to keep busy and only spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself.

friendlycat · 02/05/2023 00:25

Well done for recognising the situation and reaching out for support.
You can see some of what is being done to you and it’s controlling behaviour that’s just not going to change.

Of course you want the good times and the highs, but the pendulum swings both ways. It’s a torturous relationship that I do understand as I experienced this over twenty years ago. But honestly you’ll never be happy because of his personality. You know it’s not acceptable behaviour and you aren’t going to achieve the happiness you deserve. Keep strong and yes look into counselling.

Brighter days are ahead, but it will take time to get through this. But if you relent this vicious cycle will just play on a loop going forward it honestly won’t change.

TheSaint01 · 02/05/2023 00:26

Just go! Go go go!

They'll never change. You'll end up feeling more and more shit about yourself. They'll gaslight you into believing everything is either made up by you, never happened or they're right and you're wrong.

Seriously, get out before it fucks up your mental health. They won't give a shit the damage they are doing because they don't think they're doing anything wrong!!!

I'm having PTSD flashback just responding! I'm 2 years out of it and the mere mention of his name makes me anxious.

ShyMaryEllen · 02/05/2023 02:26

Don’t give in. It’s quite possible that when he realises that you are serious he’ll try to worm his way back, but please stay strong. You deserve better.

Original poster
Bone11 · 02/05/2023 12:16

Another difficult day. Managed not to cry at work today so far which is a huge effort. I've just re read the whole thread and all your support is helping. Thank you. Got to get through the afternoon with a smile on my face then I can go home and hide.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bone11 · 06/05/2023 20:10

I haven't heard from him for days now. So it looks like the silent treatment has now turned into being ghosted. I can only assume it is over. I can't get my head round it. I'm still in complete shock.

OP posts:
soddingspiderseason · 06/05/2023 20:18

I'm reading a book called "In Sheep's Clothing" which is absolutely brilliant at simply explaining how covertly aggressive people manipulate those around them. It's an easy read but incredibly enlightening. Please give it a look and don't go back to someone who doesn't treat you with love, respect and genuine care x

Original poster
Bone11 · 06/05/2023 20:28

Thank you. I know you are right. Honestly though, if he got in touch right now I know I would take him back. In a second. I don't think he will at this stage though, so even though I can't see it now it is probably good he is being so heartless and cruel because I know I am weak.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bone11 · 06/05/2023 20:32

We had planned to be together for the rest of our lives. We have so much booked for this summer. I miss him so much, I am in so much pain. He has completely pulled the rug from under me.

OP posts:
GracePalmer33 · 06/05/2023 21:30

It won't feel like it now but it's good that he's doing this. You weren't going to leave him and from everything you have written you are 10000% better off without him. The heartbreak won't last forever. You've seen the "real" him now, called him out for his bad behaviour and now there's nothing in it for him. A narc needs their ego stroked to survive. They don't want to be called out and given ultimatums and made to act better. Silent treatment is to scare you into not saying anything the next time they treat you bad for fear they'll ignore you for even longer. This could just be another period of silent treatment (each time will be longer and longer now if you stayed with him) OR this could be him ending it to go find his next supply who will (in the beginning) think is is utterly wonderful and stroke his ego (as he wouldn't have done anything shit to them yet!)

You're self esteem is probably in the gutter which is why you've accepted this treatment from him. You do not have to accept this. But that means not being with him because the one thing you DO need to accept is that you cannot change another person and make them treat you better if they do not want to.

TakingTheCake · 06/05/2023 21:43

My advice here would be to gray rock him. Make yourself boring as anything so he has to get his gratification elsewhere.

You know this is a cycle and it won't ever be consistent, don't you deserve a stable, secure life? Isn't a partner supposed to be a consistent, positive part of your life?

You deserve to feel safe, supported, at ease with the person you are with.

This isn't that.