Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DS got rejected at a club and its damaged his confidence

51 replies

Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 14:52

My DS has never been in a relationship before and he is turning 25 next month, He's never really talked about dating or women much although I remember about a year ago him saying to me that he doesnt get any matches on dating apps so he has just given up on dating.

But last weekend he was at a club with a few of his friends and he said that while he was chatting to this girl her friend came up and said to her "You can do better". He then said that she went to the toilet but never came back, then the next morning he went on a rant about how women dont like him and how everyone else is getting sex and Relationships while he aint.

He has attractive qualities about him and he is in the process of getting a mortgage for his own house so he will be moving out soon. He has a good paying job, He has always been introverted/quiet but I worry that he might be on some incel community.

The reason why I think this is because I know incels are very into thier looks and so is he, He wears shoes or boots that make him taller even tho he is 6'0 already so maybe he doesnt think he is tall enough, He buys lots of skincare products and teeth whitening kits, he also chews a lot of gum because according to him it burns facial fat and improves jawline, He also goes to the gym most days a week

But At the same time I do think that woman was wrong to say that and I feel as if that experience has damaged his confidence even more. Although when he talked about what happened and went on that rant I could sense that he is fustraited, his father heard it and said "Well if your that desperate then just get a prostitute" but im very against it and I would be gutted if my son thinks that its ok to pay a woman for sex. He also mentioned that most girls his age are having tons of sex while he has never held hands with a woman before.

But by looking at him, how he presents himself, how he acts out in public because he has very good manners and his social skills are fine but you wouldnt think he is an incel although after his rant Im stating to think that he is secretly on incel communities and has been brainwashed by incel ideology

OP posts:
Rowthe · 28/04/2023 14:55

Due to his age,.I thi k you're definitely way too involved.

The only worry I would have is that he gets sucked into the Intel culture. But apart from that you need to let him work it out on his own.

ChubbyMorticia · 28/04/2023 14:57

Can you encourage him to see a therapist? Sounds like there’s some dark thoughts lurking under the surface that he may benefit from discussing from a therapist.

JuneShitfield · 28/04/2023 15:02

I’d be more concerned about his father’s attitude to be honest. Jumping straight to ‘prostitute’ in this circumstance is alarming, not to mention utterly bizarre. Does he speak about women that way all the time?

Young men are usually quite vain and into their appearance — it’s not new and it’s not, in itself, incelly.

Getting rejected is normal. I work with someone who’s literally a male model (he models underwear) and he gets rejected plenty. The woman he was talking to wasn’t unreasonable to slip away the way she did. Your son isn’t owed kindness by strangers 100% of the time.

He can’t navigate life based on how much sex others may or may not be ‘getting’.

JorisBonson · 28/04/2023 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JamHam · 28/04/2023 15:08

I don't think the incident in the club is a huge deal, surely that happens to most young men and women. I've certainly been brushed off in clubs in my 20s, and can remember friends of both sexes being snubbed trying to chat people up.

I will say, if I was out and a man was visibly very into his appearance it would put me off. Men who look like they go to the gym/whiten their teeth etc would immediately make me think they were vain/shallow, and I always avoided them.

Maybe he looks like he's trying too hard.

What is his personality like? Where do you think he's going wrong?

growgrowinggrown · 28/04/2023 15:10

have you posted about your son before? I recognise a few of the descriptions.

When I was out clubbing we'd knock back multiple guys all night long, some would bounce back and try again, it was all part of the chase.

He needs to toughen up a bit if a girl heading off to the loo and not returning has dented his ego so much, and you shouldn't be agreeing with him what an awful thing it was - just shrug it off as one of those things.

Your son doesn't deserve an audience if she isn't interested and that was a sensible way of extracting herself from the situation without causing potential conflict or awkward situation.

Changingplace · 28/04/2023 15:14

Getting knocked back in a club is totally normal, I’m surprised he’s even brought that up with his mum tbh.

Your husbands comments about prostitutes is just weird and you’re generally way over involved in your adult sons relationship status/sex life, it’s a bit creepy tbh, maybe that’s his issue?

TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2023 15:16

He comes across as desperate and women he interacts with will pick up on that, I'd recommend he stop obsessing over sex and focus on enjoying other aspects of life, maybe find a new hobby other than just the gym, he may find someone more similarly minded and better suited for an actual relationship.

Your husband sounds a bit grim suggesting prostitutes to his son and in front of you, I would be disgusted with that alone.

ArcaneWireless · 28/04/2023 15:18

Chewing gum would put me right off someone. If I wanted to look at frequent chewing I’d look at cows.

As others have said, your husband should be giving you more to worry about. Prostitutes indeed.

PaintedEgg · 28/04/2023 15:24

Honestly he doesn't sound that nice if we're talking first impressions - sure he takes care of himself but there is a fine line between looking nice and giving off Johnny Bravo vibes...gym bro with whitened teeth and gum in his mouth while he talks does not sound appealing, and if he is this frustrated then I bet it comes across in his behaviour.

TheNachtzehrer · 28/04/2023 15:27

I don't think this is an issue that Mummy should be helping him solve.

Original poster
Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 15:33

@Changingplace but he told me that as he was speaking to a girl her mate came up and said "You can do better than him". He said to me that her friend was fat and unattractive so maybe she could of been jelous that she was getting attention

OP posts:
Rowthe · 28/04/2023 15:35

Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 15:33

@Changingplace but he told me that as he was speaking to a girl her mate came up and said "You can do better than him". He said to me that her friend was fat and unattractive so maybe she could of been jelous that she was getting attention

He sounds worse with every one of your posts

Questionquestionqu · 28/04/2023 15:35

Your son sounds horrid

Also I'm pretty sure I've read posts v similar before

ArcaneWireless · 28/04/2023 15:37

If he is describing her mate as fat and unattractive then he is failing at being a decent human being.

It’ll be fuck all to do with his fatless face and his muscles jaw.

ReadersD1gest · 28/04/2023 15:37

TheNachtzehrer · 28/04/2023 15:27

I don't think this is an issue that Mummy should be helping him solve.

This.

I literally can't imagine a 25 year old man whining to his Mum and Dad that "everyone else is getting sex and I'm not" Hmm
So, so bizarre...

Original poster
Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 15:41

@ArcaneWireless well its fine if he isnt attracted to fat women but then I just think its a bit arrogant for her friend to interrupt thier conversation by saying "You can do better than him"

He said that he was having a good conversation with this girl but then after her friend said that then a few moments later she went to the toilet with her and never came back.

But at the same time he needs to get use to being rejected because most people have been rejected at one stage. I think he just hasnt approached much women and isnt use to being rejected

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 28/04/2023 15:41

@Julieee59 no, the girl was right and you've just made it very obvious

Original poster
Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 15:43

@PaintedEgg ok well what if you were talking to a man and then his mate came up and said "You can do better than her". Would you find that rude? Or would it damage your confidence?

OP posts:
mexicanandafewdrinks · 28/04/2023 15:43

sorry but if a man approached me in a club I wouldn't be at all interested. comes across as desperate and opportunistic. a man needs to buy me a 3 course dinner not a jager bomb.

GoodChat · 28/04/2023 15:45

It sounds like her friend hit the nail on the head.

He's not getting girlfriends because he's arrogant and pig headed.

ArcaneWireless · 28/04/2023 15:45

What her friend said was rude.

Your lad didn’t cover himself in glory by being just as rude back. Even if it wasn’t to her face.

ArcaneWireless · 28/04/2023 15:46

White teeth, muscles and a lack of fat doth not a decent human make.

AtomicBlondeRose · 28/04/2023 15:47

Arrogant? The friend of a woman who your DS was chatting up owes him absolutely nothing - he’s a total stranger to her! She can be as arrogant as she wants about him. Talking to someone in a club, anything goes! There’s really no etiquette or rules to follow. Being bellowed at by some drunk, desperate guy isn’t all that fun anyway especially as PPs said, any halfway attractive girl will get guys trying it on all night. Imagine if their friends were obliged to play nice and “be kind” to all those men.

Original poster
Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 15:47

@GoodChat but what if the genders were reversed and it was a woman talking to a man only for his male friend to say "You can do better than her"

Would that be rude? Or would the male friend be right?

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread