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Original poster

DS got rejected at a club and its damaged his confidence

51 replies

Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 14:52

My DS has never been in a relationship before and he is turning 25 next month, He's never really talked about dating or women much although I remember about a year ago him saying to me that he doesnt get any matches on dating apps so he has just given up on dating.

But last weekend he was at a club with a few of his friends and he said that while he was chatting to this girl her friend came up and said to her "You can do better". He then said that she went to the toilet but never came back, then the next morning he went on a rant about how women dont like him and how everyone else is getting sex and Relationships while he aint.

He has attractive qualities about him and he is in the process of getting a mortgage for his own house so he will be moving out soon. He has a good paying job, He has always been introverted/quiet but I worry that he might be on some incel community.

The reason why I think this is because I know incels are very into thier looks and so is he, He wears shoes or boots that make him taller even tho he is 6'0 already so maybe he doesnt think he is tall enough, He buys lots of skincare products and teeth whitening kits, he also chews a lot of gum because according to him it burns facial fat and improves jawline, He also goes to the gym most days a week

But At the same time I do think that woman was wrong to say that and I feel as if that experience has damaged his confidence even more. Although when he talked about what happened and went on that rant I could sense that he is fustraited, his father heard it and said "Well if your that desperate then just get a prostitute" but im very against it and I would be gutted if my son thinks that its ok to pay a woman for sex. He also mentioned that most girls his age are having tons of sex while he has never held hands with a woman before.

But by looking at him, how he presents himself, how he acts out in public because he has very good manners and his social skills are fine but you wouldnt think he is an incel although after his rant Im stating to think that he is secretly on incel communities and has been brainwashed by incel ideology

OP posts:
GoodChat · 28/04/2023 15:48

ArcaneWireless · 28/04/2023 15:45

What her friend said was rude.

Your lad didn’t cover himself in glory by being just as rude back. Even if it wasn’t to her face.

Unless her friend had seen him letching over multiple girls in the same bar or got a creepy vibe from him. Girls look out for their friends in clubs. We have to for our own safety.

LadyEuphorbiaAirPod · 28/04/2023 15:48

I don't think taking care of his looks means he's an incel. His comment about the other girl was unpleasant, however, and your husband's was utterly grim.

If he's going to try chatting girls up in clubs, he needs to understand that they might not be interested, that that's entirely up to them and that he should accept it without reading too much into it. It is highly unlikely that what the other girl said made any difference to the girl leaving- if she had been interested, she would have stayed and possibly the other girl intervening just gave her the useful out she was looking for.

GoodChat · 28/04/2023 15:48

Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 15:47

@GoodChat but what if the genders were reversed and it was a woman talking to a man only for his male friend to say "You can do better than her"

Would that be rude? Or would the male friend be right?

If the woman was behaving as it sounds like your son could have been, they'd be absolutely in the right.

BritishDesiGirl · 28/04/2023 15:48

He got rejected, he will get over it. It sounds like your more affected than he is. How odd.

AtomicBlondeRose · 28/04/2023 15:48

So what if it’s rude? People are being rude, pushy, teasing, flirty, obnoxious to each other all round the club all night long. It’s par for the course! They’re not at a formal dinner party. People can be rude to each other. It’s allowed.

PaintedEgg · 28/04/2023 15:49

Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 15:43

@PaintedEgg ok well what if you were talking to a man and then his mate came up and said "You can do better than her". Would you find that rude? Or would it damage your confidence?

one off conversation in a pub would absolutely not damage my confidence , especially as there are literally two reasons for comment like this:

  1. honest opinion and the person i spoke to obviously agreed which is fair - can't be everyone's cup of tea
  2. i was acting like a twat and whoever i was talking to needed a rescue

in case of vain, self-centred, frustrated, gum-chewing man who immediately thinks someone was "jealous" of his attention and went to his parents to whine about not getting any, I think the second options is much more likely

ArcaneWireless · 28/04/2023 15:51

GoodChat · 28/04/2023 15:48

Unless her friend had seen him letching over multiple girls in the same bar or got a creepy vibe from him. Girls look out for their friends in clubs. We have to for our own safety.

Show quote history

Good point goodchat

Comments like that don’t tend to come out of the blue.

Crimeismymiddlename · 28/04/2023 16:02

He has to get used to rejection, tbh if he is twenty five and still behaving like a baby because of one women in a club it’s an indication that he thinks all women should be grateful for his attention.
You have said he takes care of himself, good job, will own home etc but you have not really anything about him, is he fun, engaging, does he have interests and hobbies or is he boring? A lot of men are, no idea that they have to ask questions and that it is unattractive to just go to the gym and then go home all the time.
You are far too involved and your husbands prostitution comment is disgusting.

FourTeaFallOut · 28/04/2023 16:09

Getting rejected at a club is/ was par for the course, we use to call it the meat market. It's a numbers game, go out, throw the glad eye, pick up the hottest catch. How has this lot mangled such sweet, simple, hedonistic brutality into a pity party of hurt feelings?

wankyseahorse33 · 28/04/2023 16:11

Your son's line about his frustration that girls his age can get as much sex as they want really stood out to me as it really is lifted directly out of the red-piller's incel handbook!

These toxic types of pod casts are rife on TikTok and are based on the idea that women have unearned, innate value when they are young but that they gradually lose it as they age and lose their looks. On the other hand, young men are said to have no innate, unearned value, but that they have to graft to obtain it though the accumulation of wealth, which means they tend to "peak" later. This leaves young men feeling very angry at what they perceive to be an unfairness that the women their age have all the sexual power/currency just by virtue of being young.

I'm not sure what the answer is, as your son is already a grown man but it might help to have it pointed out to him that women do not view the propensity to have sex with as many men as possible whilst they are "young enough" to attract them as a privilege! These incels view dating almost like a capitalist market place, where men and women only have value according to wealth and looks respectively. His fathers views are worrying, as they only reinforce the idea that relationships between men and women are purely transactional.

Dweetfidilove · 28/04/2023 16:17

He sounds quite unpleasant.
Dad is just grim.
Mom facilitates his bullshit.
He's encouraged in his thinking that 'fat women who think he's not good enough are arrogant and should shut up'.
I hope no one gets involved with him until he's had some help with improving himself / his thoughts 😒.

wankyseahorse33 · 28/04/2023 16:18

Btw I'm not judging your son. Social media is very powerful. Almost like grooming. Andrew Tate and his ilk have such a big following now and it's proving detrimental to both men and women imo.

monsteramunch · 28/04/2023 16:30

his father heard it and said "Well if your that desperate then just get a prostitute"

It baffles me that anyone would want to be with a man who says things like this, let alone to his own son and in front of his son's mother.

growgrowinggrown · 28/04/2023 16:31

I can gaurentee you that her friend will have been watching for a while and chose to intervene for a good reason.

Girls going out in groups know not to leave a friend alone without eyes on her, there's always a signal for when they need help/intervening.

You have no idea if the girl had tried to extract herself a few times already and your son wasn't taking the hint, or if she was a little too drunk to consent, or for any number of reasons.

Yes the friend was blunt, but in all honesty that is usually what is needed with some of this guys in the clubs and she's not to know if your son is one or not.

If the roles were reversed I'd head back to my group of mates, have a laugh about what was said and what a dick the friend was and thought no more about it.

I definitely wouldn't be running to my parents for emotional support, or looking to browse adultwork with my dad to pick out a prostitute to lift my spirits.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/04/2023 16:35

If the girl your son was talking to was actually interested and attracted to him she would have come back after going to the toilets, sounds like her friend was looking out for her, clocked her as not being interested and gave her a valid excuse to leave the conversation.

He wasn't going home with her either way by the sounds of it.

JorisBonson · 28/04/2023 18:13

Methinks OP is a little hairy handed. Don't feed it.

ReadersD1gest · 28/04/2023 18:13

JorisBonson · 28/04/2023 18:13

Methinks OP is a little hairy handed. Don't feed it.

Definitely.

Original poster
Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 18:17

I also forgot to mention that this other girl called him unattractive and my son swears that he never said anything rude, he told me that he brought this girl a drink and they were talking to each other.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 28/04/2023 18:19

Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 18:17

I also forgot to mention that this other girl called him unattractive and my son swears that he never said anything rude, he told me that he brought this girl a drink and they were talking to each other.

I highly doubt she used the word 'unattractive'.

ArcaneWireless · 28/04/2023 18:26

Nope. One egg too far.

Never unattractive. Ugly fucker maybe. Or whatever the word de jour is about someone not being pleasing to someone’s eye is.

If she didn’t filter the ‘you can do better’, she just wouldn’t have used ‘unattractive’.

The filter was off. Bit like the eggs.

Naunet · 28/04/2023 20:16

Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 15:47

@GoodChat but what if the genders were reversed and it was a woman talking to a man only for his male friend to say "You can do better than her"

Would that be rude? Or would the male friend be right?

Do you really imagine that women have never experienced this kind of rudeness (or worse) from men? Most of us shrug it off.

Naunet · 28/04/2023 20:20

By the way, his father sounds like a real catch. 🤮

NeverDropYourMooncup · 28/04/2023 22:40

Julieee59 · 28/04/2023 18:17

I also forgot to mention that this other girl called him unattractive and my son swears that he never said anything rude, he told me that he brought this girl a drink and they were talking to each other.

God, not the 'I'm just trying to be friendly, I'm a Nice Guy' school of harassment.

gelatogina · 28/04/2023 22:45

Why are you so involved in your 25 year old son’s life? It’s so weird!

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 29/04/2023 04:16

Are you the dude who got rejected?

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