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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think I want a divorce but it seems so overwhelming and I don't know what to do

64 replies

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 09:01

So I'll start by saying my marriage is not awful. Not by a long stretch. There is no cheating, no abuse, not even tonnes of arguments.

But I've been feeling for a while that this just isn't what I want. We have only been married for 4 years (together 7) and share 1 child.

There are things about my husband/relationship that concern me. I think our views on life and other important things are just not the same. I often feel like he wants a housewife but who works too. He's a self employed workaholic (although he'd tell you he does it all "for us", I am pretty sure he'd be the same whether we were here or not).

I often feel like we don't have a proper family. We don't really do much of anything together. He tends to work a lot of weekends and may occasionally come for a walk with us or something small on a weekend but we never do anything like take a weekend away together or go on holidays. He's not a very sociable person whereas I'm the opposite so we rarely get together with friends or anything like that and I tend to attend anything like that alone, weddings, birthdays, etc... 99% of my friends (and there isn't hundreds of them by any means!) have never laid eyes on him.

I feel like he can be very selfish sometimes although he'd never admit it. He is happy to do things "for us" providing they are things he wants to do. If he is asked to do anything he doesn't want to do he will down right refuse. Even small things like taking our son to soft play on a Saturday afternoon, our son has a blast so I try to take him occasionally. He's never once come with us because it's 'not his cup of tea' (as if it's mine!!) But he never seems to understand that the reason he should do these things is because it's our child's 'cup of tea'.

I feel like we get along really well, we can often be best friends, but only whilst everything is going his way i.e. he's left to work as much as he likes and I don't complain about him not doing anything else and I also do everything at home and with our child whilst also working.

I work 4 days a week which we agreed on as we couldn't afford the extra 5th day in nursery right now and yet I'm made to feel like shit if I ever ask anything of him that requires doing something he isn't keen on because 'he works more than me'.

I feel underappreciated and taken for granted a lot and I often fantasize about being with someone else.

But it's hard because when we go through, often very long, stages of these issues not raising their head I feel quite happy. He changes his attitude like the wind though so one day something won't be a problem and the next it will, it's hard to know where you stand.

I feel like if I really had no concerns about our son and his feelings and also finances, I would want to leave but I feel stuck and don't know which way to turn. Like I should just stick it out because I'm not miserable and I can be pretty happy some of the time too so is it really worth it. But when I ask myself do I see myself being with my husband forever the answer is no and I feel like that isn't right.

Another issue that is starting to raise its head is that I'm having feelings about maybe wanting more children in the future and he absolutely doesn't. I am 29 and he is 36.

I feel lost and like I don't know what to do or how it would even work. Financially I feel like I'd be absolutely desolate if I were to leave.

I don't have the money myself to see a solicitor for an initial consultation to see how anything would work so I feel like I have absolutely no idea where I stand.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 09:02

Sorry that was so long but I feel like I have no one to talk to about this in RL.

I don't want to admit this to anyone in real life in case I don't go through with it and tbh I feel bloody stupid.

OP posts:
msisfine · 28/04/2023 09:29

Please don't feel stupid. These are really valid concerns that would be troubling for anybody. I think sometimes two people can both be nice, decent humans but that they're just not compatible long term. It does also sound as if the relationship is a bit one sided and he's not willing to compromise on things that will make you happier. If you feel you're not happy, life is just too short to waste. You're also still really young and if you definitely want to have more children and he doesn't, then it might be time to move on.

Mumoftwins58 · 28/04/2023 09:44

I feel like I could have written this myself, every word you say mirrors my life. It's not bad enough to give up on and not good enough to stay for. It's like a miserable limbo in the middle. Sometimes I think we'll get back to being us when the kids are older, when they stay at grandparents our relationship is great. But he also doesn't treat me like an equal because he earns more. My self worth in his eyes is base don how much money I earn. I'm self employed and work what hours I can but when I do 80% of childcare and domestic he doesn't get that what I can achieve is restricted. He'd love for me to go back to work full time. I'm totally burnt out.

Isheabastard · 28/04/2023 09:56

You can sometimes get an initial free consultation with solicitors.

Theres a website called wikivorce that has tons of information.

Find out what your financial situation is first, then you can make a more informed decision.

I was in your position many years ago, but I was the introvert and he was the extrovert. I sort of knew then that he rarely did anything I wanted, and I had to do loads of things that he wanted. But he dressed it up and was telling me forever that he loved me. He also could never seem to keep to a decision about anything.

Over the years his behaviour went from persuading to bullying. I’m now leaving. Early in our marriage he would go off and do his own thing at weekends (not work) even when I asked to spend time together. Now he complains that I won’t do things with him. I’ve got so used to spending time by myself I actually prefer it because I don’t get bossed about every second.

Presumably you’ve had all the talks about this. You could suggest relationship counselling. Perhaps keep a diary so you have proof written down of all things you do, and all the things he won’t do.

If nothing works then you may need to start looking ahead to the future. Maybe try and get yourself more financially secure, before you do anything.

Due to the way you are feeling now something has to change. He needs to listen to your concerns and act on it. Remember this is a two way process, so there might be changes he asks of you. You will need to be open minded about wether he is being fair.

If nothing changes then your only other option is to leave.

Mutt5Nutt5 · 28/04/2023 10:24

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 09:01

So I'll start by saying my marriage is not awful. Not by a long stretch. There is no cheating, no abuse, not even tonnes of arguments.

But I've been feeling for a while that this just isn't what I want. We have only been married for 4 years (together 7) and share 1 child.

There are things about my husband/relationship that concern me. I think our views on life and other important things are just not the same. I often feel like he wants a housewife but who works too. He's a self employed workaholic (although he'd tell you he does it all "for us", I am pretty sure he'd be the same whether we were here or not).

I often feel like we don't have a proper family. We don't really do much of anything together. He tends to work a lot of weekends and may occasionally come for a walk with us or something small on a weekend but we never do anything like take a weekend away together or go on holidays. He's not a very sociable person whereas I'm the opposite so we rarely get together with friends or anything like that and I tend to attend anything like that alone, weddings, birthdays, etc... 99% of my friends (and there isn't hundreds of them by any means!) have never laid eyes on him.

I feel like he can be very selfish sometimes although he'd never admit it. He is happy to do things "for us" providing they are things he wants to do. If he is asked to do anything he doesn't want to do he will down right refuse. Even small things like taking our son to soft play on a Saturday afternoon, our son has a blast so I try to take him occasionally. He's never once come with us because it's 'not his cup of tea' (as if it's mine!!) But he never seems to understand that the reason he should do these things is because it's our child's 'cup of tea'.

I feel like we get along really well, we can often be best friends, but only whilst everything is going his way i.e. he's left to work as much as he likes and I don't complain about him not doing anything else and I also do everything at home and with our child whilst also working.

I work 4 days a week which we agreed on as we couldn't afford the extra 5th day in nursery right now and yet I'm made to feel like shit if I ever ask anything of him that requires doing something he isn't keen on because 'he works more than me'.

I feel underappreciated and taken for granted a lot and I often fantasize about being with someone else.

But it's hard because when we go through, often very long, stages of these issues not raising their head I feel quite happy. He changes his attitude like the wind though so one day something won't be a problem and the next it will, it's hard to know where you stand.

I feel like if I really had no concerns about our son and his feelings and also finances, I would want to leave but I feel stuck and don't know which way to turn. Like I should just stick it out because I'm not miserable and I can be pretty happy some of the time too so is it really worth it. But when I ask myself do I see myself being with my husband forever the answer is no and I feel like that isn't right.

Another issue that is starting to raise its head is that I'm having feelings about maybe wanting more children in the future and he absolutely doesn't. I am 29 and he is 36.

I feel lost and like I don't know what to do or how it would even work. Financially I feel like I'd be absolutely desolate if I were to leave.

I don't have the money myself to see a solicitor for an initial consultation to see how anything would work so I feel like I have absolutely no idea where I stand.

I also feel like I could have written this myself. The difference is, I did initiate the break-up. I am almost at the end but every day recently I feel regret and simply desperate until I speak to someone, or read something like your story and I have a brief period of thinking yes this was the right thing to do, and once it's all over it will SO be worth the awful awful period inbetween. Don't settle. You're only not miserable because he throws you crumbs that you feel you should be grateful for because things "could be worse". Sending love x

Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 11:00

Mumoftwins58 · 28/04/2023 09:44

I feel like I could have written this myself, every word you say mirrors my life. It's not bad enough to give up on and not good enough to stay for. It's like a miserable limbo in the middle. Sometimes I think we'll get back to being us when the kids are older, when they stay at grandparents our relationship is great. But he also doesn't treat me like an equal because he earns more. My self worth in his eyes is base don how much money I earn. I'm self employed and work what hours I can but when I do 80% of childcare and domestic he doesn't get that what I can achieve is restricted. He'd love for me to go back to work full time. I'm totally burnt out.

Thanks, this is exactly how I feel. Like I'm only really worth how much I can work/earn and because he does more of those things I can't ever expect anything or ask anything of him.

We argued last night because I want to see a friend this evening and it meant him making our child tea and putting him to bed. He said if he was going to look after our child at all after I'd been off all day, it should be for me to go out and go to work not to go off and see friends because I get plenty of time to do that already (I don't, I'm always with our child or in work).

I always try to point out in these arguments that the only reason he is able to work as much as he does is because I'm at home caring for our child because one of us has to but then I'm penalised or made to feel like shit for it.

He often likes to play the 'im older than you/have more life experience' card too which I hate.

Yes to the poster who said they began to feel bullied. I feel like that sometimes.

He is stubborn as anything and will never back down. The only reason our arguments ever really end is because we just go to bed and wake up and act like normal again the next day, it's never because he concedes to anything or apologises. He'd say the same about me I'm sure but I genuinely do feel like he's wrong in the way he views things. In fact in the whole 7 years I think I can count on 1 hand how many times he's said the word sorry. He's never wrong and if I question anything I'm childish / immature.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 28/04/2023 11:17

I feel like we get along really well, we can often be best friends, but only whilst everything is going his way i.e. he's left to work as much as he likes and I don't complain about him not doing anything else and I also do everything at home and with our child whilst also working.

Do you want to be best friends, let alone life partners, with a man who requires you to shut up and never inconvenience him?

I just don't know what to do.

I think you do. You’re only 29. You have a whole life ahead of you.

NoSquirrels · 28/04/2023 11:22

We argued last night because I want to see a friend this evening and it meant him making our child tea and putting him to bed. He said if he was going to look after our child at all after I'd been off all day, it should be for me to go out and go to work

But you do. You work 4 days. This is so unbelievably awful of him - it’s just feeding and putting his own child to bed - that I hope you can see it.

Obviously there are lots of practical things to consider with splitting up. You will financially be worse off, that’s inevitable. You’ll be a single mum as I can’t see him volunteering to be a hands-on 50-50 co-parent from what you’ve said. But he will need to pay CM, you might get benefits if your wage is low/rent is high and crucially you’ll be free to live a life you’re in charge of, not one where you are lonely but tied down.

Mutt5Nutt5 · 28/04/2023 11:37

We argued last night because I want to see a friend this evening and it meant him making our child tea and putting him to bed. He said if he was going to look after our child at all after I'd been off all day, it should be for me to go out and go to work not to go off and see friends because I get plenty of time to do that already (I don't, I'm always with our child or in work).

So familiar. Any time our children needed feeding it would be a takeaway, or someone would have to come and help feed/put to bed. And I could be working too, not even going out to enjoy myself. This is his OWN child, it's disgusting!

Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 11:56

Yes I told him last night I find it frankly pathetic that he is complaining about having to feed and put his own child to bed.

He says that's not what it's about it's because I'm asking him to do that so I can go see friends and not go to work. This is what every argument we ever have boils down to. He works more than me therefore he can't be asked to do anything/complained at about anything and I'm just lucky and should be thankful.

Basically he said he would look after our son... So I could go to work but to ask him to look after him so I can go see friends is "taking the piss" when he's been at work and I haven't today. If I start putting more hours in at work then maybe it will be acceptable to request his childcare services for me to do other things than work but only when I'm deemed to be making enough effort at work first. Sometimes I wonder if he can hear what comes out of his mouth. I said I shouldn't need to pass some sort of appropriate effort test before he'll look after his son.

What a mess.

OP posts:
Mutt5Nutt5 · 28/04/2023 12:00

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 11:56

Yes I told him last night I find it frankly pathetic that he is complaining about having to feed and put his own child to bed.

He says that's not what it's about it's because I'm asking him to do that so I can go see friends and not go to work. This is what every argument we ever have boils down to. He works more than me therefore he can't be asked to do anything/complained at about anything and I'm just lucky and should be thankful.

Basically he said he would look after our son... So I could go to work but to ask him to look after him so I can go see friends is "taking the piss" when he's been at work and I haven't today. If I start putting more hours in at work then maybe it will be acceptable to request his childcare services for me to do other things than work but only when I'm deemed to be making enough effort at work first. Sometimes I wonder if he can hear what comes out of his mouth. I said I shouldn't need to pass some sort of appropriate effort test before he'll look after his son.

What a mess.

To me, I think this is a typical "my work is more important than anything else" situation.

My STBXH was the same. Always his work as an excuse for not helping to are for HIS children.

He never once, with three, helped in the night because his job was so important.

He was in sales, not a paediatric brain surgeon 🙄

Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:03

Oh yes absolutely everything to do with our son is down to me. Everything. But he also wants me to work as hard and as much as him too. Oh and everything in the house as well.

When I was on maternity leave from my job he would drop work off at the house for me to do for his business so that I could earn what he was paying me (to cover bills whilst I was on reduced mat pay) whilst the baby napped.

Written down it sounds so much worse than it appeared at the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:04

And don't even get me started about the bank holiday Monday and how I should be "making up the time working that I'll miss on Monday not seeing friends" as if I personally have requested the country have a bank holiday and our son's nursery be closed.

He doesn't seem to get that he can go to work during these times BECAUSE I'm at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:05

I already worry what he'll be like when we're bound by school holidays and not just the occasional bank holiday here and there.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:10

When it was my birthday my mum wanted to take me for tea and to watch a show which meant he'd have to again put our child to bed after working and he kicked off the same about that too and said I shouldn't need to go out for my birthday twice (he was taking me out the following weekend for a meal for it) and so he'd cancel the meal then.

It feels like the only time I'm ever allowed to do anything apart from look after our child is when I'm going to work. Otherwise I get all the 'i work more than you, when you're pulling your weight THEN you can go and do X Y Z'.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:11

He makes himself sound so reasonable sometimes though when we argue 'im doing this all for us and you just want to go off and see your friends when you've been at home all day anyway'.

OP posts:
Mutt5Nutt5 · 28/04/2023 12:13

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:03

Oh yes absolutely everything to do with our son is down to me. Everything. But he also wants me to work as hard and as much as him too. Oh and everything in the house as well.

When I was on maternity leave from my job he would drop work off at the house for me to do for his business so that I could earn what he was paying me (to cover bills whilst I was on reduced mat pay) whilst the baby napped.

Written down it sounds so much worse than it appeared at the time.

Yes - been there too. Pressured to take on home-working whilst on maternity leave, whilst looking after three under 4 and everything in the house too. Now that we are divorcing, I "deserve nothing because I didn't contribute to the marriage".

Keep writing these things down, OP, because I know how it feels to see it in black and white and think did I actually out up with this?

RobertsRadio · 28/04/2023 12:15

He is a pig. I would hate to think I was going to have to spend the rest of my life living like an indentured servant in my own home. You have free will, exercise it and make plans to live a free and independent life. Yes, you will probably be financially worse off initially, but some things, like freedom, are worth the cost.

Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:15

I feel nervous to tell him sometimes about the things I do on my friday off with our son because he views it as just a jolly for me whilst he's slaving away. Like I can't say 'i went here today with son and he had such a nice time' because he'll be thinking oh it's alright for her going all these nice places whilst I'm working and then she has the audacity to want to see friends as well once in a while!

OP posts:
Mutt5Nutt5 · 28/04/2023 12:18

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:15

I feel nervous to tell him sometimes about the things I do on my friday off with our son because he views it as just a jolly for me whilst he's slaving away. Like I can't say 'i went here today with son and he had such a nice time' because he'll be thinking oh it's alright for her going all these nice places whilst I'm working and then she has the audacity to want to see friends as well once in a while!

The PP is right - he is a pig, and I know because I recognise it.

You are bringing up a child that belongs to both of you.
You are running a home that belongs to both of you.
You are enabling him to do all this work that he wants to do.

But he thinks he's doing you the favour and you will forever be indebted to him.

Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:20

But he thinks he's doing you the favour and you will forever be indebted to him.

yes this is exactly how it feels. I should be grateful I get to do X Y and Z and therefore should never ask anything of him and if do I should be working as much as he is to earn it.

He acts all 'im doing this for us' when I know for a fact he'd be exactly the same whether I was here or not because he loves it, he loves his work and wouldn't do anything else. But he uses it as some heroic, look what I do for the family compared to you thing.

OP posts:
Mutt5Nutt5 · 28/04/2023 12:23

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:20

But he thinks he's doing you the favour and you will forever be indebted to him.

yes this is exactly how it feels. I should be grateful I get to do X Y and Z and therefore should never ask anything of him and if do I should be working as much as he is to earn it.

He acts all 'im doing this for us' when I know for a fact he'd be exactly the same whether I was here or not because he loves it, he loves his work and wouldn't do anything else. But he uses it as some heroic, look what I do for the family compared to you thing.

Yes, i have had all the "I'm doing it for us" too.

I was also "doing it for us" but my doing wasn't as important or as valued as his doing.

Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:23

But like I say he can make himself sound very reasonable during arguments and I often come away from them wondering if it's actually me that's the terrible, lazy one who just doesn't want to make as much effort as he does. You're right it does help to write it down and see it there.

OP posts:
JJ8765 · 28/04/2023 12:28

I assume you are worried about how you would support yourself and your child. Use a benefits and child maintenance calculator and see what help you would get. Are your family supportive? Being a single parent is much easier with helpful grandparents nearby. Could you even move back home with your parents as a temporary measure. You would get child maintenance but I would try and get copies of his financial info eg self emp accounts and tax returns as often self emp men try and hide their earnings to reduce child maintenance. Its doubtful he would want your child over night much by the sound of it. You were only 22 when you got together. You have made a mistake. But you have plenty of time to have the life you want. You also dont need to sort the divorce immediately. You can just take your child and go - back to family - or rent somewhere, and sort the formalities out later. Get initial legal advice on your situation but given you've only been married 4 years its unlikely to be that complicated to sort out a clean break. You are 29 and sociable its highly likely, if you want to, you can meet someone else and have the family life you want. Don't be on here at 39 or 49 writing the same post. If you were my daughter and told me this was what your husband was really like I would 100% get in the car and bring you and my grandchild home with me. He's supposed to support your choices not police them.

Mutt5Nutt5 · 28/04/2023 12:28

Someone else will come along and tell you to read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That. It might help. This is not you, it's him.