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Original poster

I think I want a divorce but it seems so overwhelming and I don't know what to do

64 replies

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 09:01

So I'll start by saying my marriage is not awful. Not by a long stretch. There is no cheating, no abuse, not even tonnes of arguments.

But I've been feeling for a while that this just isn't what I want. We have only been married for 4 years (together 7) and share 1 child.

There are things about my husband/relationship that concern me. I think our views on life and other important things are just not the same. I often feel like he wants a housewife but who works too. He's a self employed workaholic (although he'd tell you he does it all "for us", I am pretty sure he'd be the same whether we were here or not).

I often feel like we don't have a proper family. We don't really do much of anything together. He tends to work a lot of weekends and may occasionally come for a walk with us or something small on a weekend but we never do anything like take a weekend away together or go on holidays. He's not a very sociable person whereas I'm the opposite so we rarely get together with friends or anything like that and I tend to attend anything like that alone, weddings, birthdays, etc... 99% of my friends (and there isn't hundreds of them by any means!) have never laid eyes on him.

I feel like he can be very selfish sometimes although he'd never admit it. He is happy to do things "for us" providing they are things he wants to do. If he is asked to do anything he doesn't want to do he will down right refuse. Even small things like taking our son to soft play on a Saturday afternoon, our son has a blast so I try to take him occasionally. He's never once come with us because it's 'not his cup of tea' (as if it's mine!!) But he never seems to understand that the reason he should do these things is because it's our child's 'cup of tea'.

I feel like we get along really well, we can often be best friends, but only whilst everything is going his way i.e. he's left to work as much as he likes and I don't complain about him not doing anything else and I also do everything at home and with our child whilst also working.

I work 4 days a week which we agreed on as we couldn't afford the extra 5th day in nursery right now and yet I'm made to feel like shit if I ever ask anything of him that requires doing something he isn't keen on because 'he works more than me'.

I feel underappreciated and taken for granted a lot and I often fantasize about being with someone else.

But it's hard because when we go through, often very long, stages of these issues not raising their head I feel quite happy. He changes his attitude like the wind though so one day something won't be a problem and the next it will, it's hard to know where you stand.

I feel like if I really had no concerns about our son and his feelings and also finances, I would want to leave but I feel stuck and don't know which way to turn. Like I should just stick it out because I'm not miserable and I can be pretty happy some of the time too so is it really worth it. But when I ask myself do I see myself being with my husband forever the answer is no and I feel like that isn't right.

Another issue that is starting to raise its head is that I'm having feelings about maybe wanting more children in the future and he absolutely doesn't. I am 29 and he is 36.

I feel lost and like I don't know what to do or how it would even work. Financially I feel like I'd be absolutely desolate if I were to leave.

I don't have the money myself to see a solicitor for an initial consultation to see how anything would work so I feel like I have absolutely no idea where I stand.

OP posts:
crazecatlady2 · 28/04/2023 12:29

I know that the posters who have problems in their marriage are probably in a minority as folk who are OK tend not to post. From reading so many threads about fathers' attitudes to looking after their children, I wonder why, if they are so unhappy with child care, so many go off and start new relationships and have yet more children.

Bunnywabbity · 28/04/2023 12:31

You're updates are quite chilling. He doesn't see you as an autonomous person with your own wants and needs at all. He is abusive and controlling and is wrecking your head. I feel sorry for DC too in this with DH's attitude towards them. Please don't have any more children with him.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 28/04/2023 12:32

You said you don’t see him in your future so do something about it sooner rather than later. I get it’s easier in a way to just continue on but you’ll regret it. You’re still young. Just think how you’ll feel at 35, 40 in this situation. It’ll just get harder to leave. Start to make plans.

RandomMess · 28/04/2023 13:50

He's very happy he has you trapped isn't he? He's the boss doing what he wants and loves and your his minion!

Get your ducks in a row as he'll likely turn nasty that you've dared to divorce him.

Flowers
Popsicleinpool · 28/04/2023 14:18

He sounds really horrible OP. Do you have a nice family? Can you go and stay with them with DC for a while? I agree much better to take action now while you’re still young. Whatever you do don’t have any more children with him. He does sound controlling and nasty, and very very selfish!

Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 15:16

I do have a lovely supportive family yes. It just feels like a big thing to actually admit all this to them, I haven't said anything yet.

OP posts:
Whydidyou · 28/04/2023 15:37

not read full thread but search divorce right -great free weekly talks available

NoSquirrels · 28/04/2023 15:44

How much do you earn vs him? How much is childcare per day?

He sounds unhinged, really. As if a person is only allowed work for financial gain in their life, 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

NoSquirrels · 28/04/2023 15:45

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 15:16

I do have a lovely supportive family yes. It just feels like a big thing to actually admit all this to them, I haven't said anything yet.

I imagine they know and won’t be very surprised.

MrsSquirrel · 28/04/2023 15:59

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 12:23

But like I say he can make himself sound very reasonable during arguments and I often come away from them wondering if it's actually me that's the terrible, lazy one who just doesn't want to make as much effort as he does. You're right it does help to write it down and see it there.

Childcare is work. Housework is work. You aren't lazy at all, quite the opposite.

He is the one who makes no effort at all to care for his own child.

Daftapath · 28/04/2023 16:08

How are finances? Do you both have equal access to money and are assets in your joint names?

Unfortunately, many self employed manage to hide income and avoid paying child maintenance. He sounds as though he would be likely to do this? Do you jointly own his company?

Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 16:12

Finances are complicated.

He started up a business when we were together and I carried on working in my full time job elsewhere. Then when our child was born I quit that job and joined his business. I am technically a partner but he does 'threaten' a lot to not pay me from the business or to not pay me as much because I don't 'deserve it' in his mind. So yes I have my own money (in a separate account) but he does like to threaten me with paying me less if I don't tow line in terms of work or work as hard as he deems is acceptable. For example we agreed I wouldn't work Fridays because we can't afford full time nursery but that I wouldn't take less money from the business because of this, I'd just take the same as if I were full time. But every time we argue this gets thrown in my face with stuff like 'we'll just have to stop paying you for the Friday then' as if I have a choice to be there or not (I'm looking after his child so we don't have to pay for nursery?!).

It's all just a big interlocked mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 16:13

We own our house in joint names and I am an equal partner in the business. He owns another property in his sole name but which was bought during our marriage however he owns that with someone else so I doubt that would be included in anything.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 28/04/2023 16:17

I had a free chat with a solicitor and found it very empowering.

DustyLee123 · 28/04/2023 16:18

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 16:13

We own our house in joint names and I am an equal partner in the business. He owns another property in his sole name but which was bought during our marriage however he owns that with someone else so I doubt that would be included in anything.

I’d expect you to be entitled to half of his half, so a quarter. It’s all negotiable.

Daftapath · 28/04/2023 16:19

So you are officially his partner in the business and own 50%?

It sounds as though you need legal advice about what you would be entitled to with regards to the business and the second property.

Is he open about his savings, investments, pension?

DustyLee123 · 28/04/2023 16:19

Sorry if you’ve already answered this, but is your wage and child benefit paid into your own account ?

Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 16:25

DustyLee123 · 28/04/2023 16:19

Sorry if you’ve already answered this, but is your wage and child benefit paid into your own account ?

Yes it is

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 16:25

I'm not too bothered about the second property or even the business. Id be happy to offset it against the house which I put 90% of the deposit towards.

OP posts:
napody · 28/04/2023 16:33

This is an extremely controlling relationship. You must know you are being reasonable wanting to occasionally visit a friend. You work harder than him- 4 days, childcare and everything else around the house is objectively more work. You have pointed out multiple times that your labour allows him to go to work. He cannot or will not see it.

NoSquirrels · 28/04/2023 16:34

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 16:12

Finances are complicated.

He started up a business when we were together and I carried on working in my full time job elsewhere. Then when our child was born I quit that job and joined his business. I am technically a partner but he does 'threaten' a lot to not pay me from the business or to not pay me as much because I don't 'deserve it' in his mind. So yes I have my own money (in a separate account) but he does like to threaten me with paying me less if I don't tow line in terms of work or work as hard as he deems is acceptable. For example we agreed I wouldn't work Fridays because we can't afford full time nursery but that I wouldn't take less money from the business because of this, I'd just take the same as if I were full time. But every time we argue this gets thrown in my face with stuff like 'we'll just have to stop paying you for the Friday then' as if I have a choice to be there or not (I'm looking after his child so we don't have to pay for nursery?!).

It's all just a big interlocked mess.

Ah, OK. This makes it much clearer why he’s behaving like this.

So he is in fact effectively your boss as w as your life partner. (I know he’s not your ‘boss’ if you work together jointly but he obviously sees you as an employee and him as the boss.)

First things first I think you need to look for a new job.

Daftapath · 28/04/2023 16:44

I think the business could be quite key if you do divorce. It is an ongoing asset and also provides your income. I would imagine that it would be quite hard to continue to work together so you will effectively lose your job. This is why you need really good legal advice so that you do not agree to anything that could disadvantage you and your child in the future.

DustyLee123 · 28/04/2023 16:46

I agree that you need to get yourself a job, and work towards becoming independent, if you are thinking of separating.

YRGAM · 28/04/2023 21:02

I have no real advice to offer but OP you're absolutely right to think this is bad. The situation you're in is extremely controlling and it's not at all normal

msisfine · 28/04/2023 21:14

BigSighhh · 28/04/2023 16:12

Finances are complicated.

He started up a business when we were together and I carried on working in my full time job elsewhere. Then when our child was born I quit that job and joined his business. I am technically a partner but he does 'threaten' a lot to not pay me from the business or to not pay me as much because I don't 'deserve it' in his mind. So yes I have my own money (in a separate account) but he does like to threaten me with paying me less if I don't tow line in terms of work or work as hard as he deems is acceptable. For example we agreed I wouldn't work Fridays because we can't afford full time nursery but that I wouldn't take less money from the business because of this, I'd just take the same as if I were full time. But every time we argue this gets thrown in my face with stuff like 'we'll just have to stop paying you for the Friday then' as if I have a choice to be there or not (I'm looking after his child so we don't have to pay for nursery?!).

It's all just a big interlocked mess.

This is financial abuse. I take back my more measured post from earlier and I'm now fully on the 'get rid of this prick' side of the argument. He sounds awful.