8 months why still not managing

[Mollylegs]

Hi, please just ignore my post if it will just get on your nerves. My husband of 21 years left me 8 months ago for someone else. I was already on AD mostly for anxiety before he left. It has been nearly 9 months and I still find I'm not doing as well as I should be. A few people think I should just be over it by now, but I'm not. I'm here everyday just trying to get through the day. My 19 year old son is my world and it really upsets me that his dad doesn't really bother with him, I know it has hurt my son but he won't say anything to his dad incase he just doesn't bother with him at all anymore. I found out that he moved in with this other woman in January, he didn't bother telling our son that he'd moved house. He is now living with her and her children and hardly bothers with his own son anymore. Some days I am ok and get through the day, I go to bed at about 7.30pm most nights cause the day seems so long and I just want to be asleep away from it all. My son is 19 and by this point has been fed and he knows if he needs me just to wake me. I must seem pathetic to anyone looking in, I know I feel it but I just still can't cope. Last week I was so bad I had to ring the samaritans for help. If anyone replies, please could you just be kind, thankyou.

It's early days. 21 years is a long time to be with someone and obviously it takes time to adjust. Maybe see the doctor? You're depressed. It's absolutely natural to feel like you do. I've only been with my dp for 3 years and we don't live together but I know there would be a big gap in my life if we split up. Treat yourself, rely on your friends, arrange something to look forward to.

No, you’re not pathetic. If your husband had died no one would expect you to be “over it” in 9 months. You didn’t choose for your husband to leave so this is a bit like a bereavement, the marriage you had has died.
He’s very selfish but that goes without saying. Keep talking, to the Samaritans if that helps, or hear. You will recover, you will find your way again.

Have been to the doctor to get your meds adjusted? Please do if you haven’t. And either a self referral for therapy on NHS or private if you can afford it. You’re not pathetic - this is one of the worst betrayals and life events a person can ever experience. Of course it’s ok if you’re not ‘over it’.

It’s still early days, and you likely won’t have even sorted out the finances and divorce yet.
Your whole life, past, present and future has been thrown into chaos. The past is changed because you’ll wonder if you ever knew him, the present is just survival and the future is not what you had envisaged for the last 21 years. That’s a lot of change to cope with, and betrayal to come to terms with.

It will get better, but you need to give yourself grace and time. Just focus on the every day at the moment and don’t look too far ahead. Concentrate on yourself, try to keep busy, try to give yourself some small manageable every day goals so you can see progress in some area - even if it’s just cleaning the house, going for a coffee, phoning a friend. Don’t look at the top of the mountain, just make sure you keep putting one foot in front of the other. All the best. Xx

Hi to everyone that replied, I'm not sure how to thank individual people. I have been to my GP quite a few times but she said I'm on the highest dose of AD so she can't put them up anymore. I felt really, really bad for ringing the samaritans as I felt that anything I was feeling would be so much worse for someone else that may have been trying to ring them. I've been on a waiting list for talking therapies since September last year. I wish I did have some money to be able to go and speak to someone privately. My husband has moved in with this person and her children, yet he can't even be bothered to even text my son never mind visit him. I am questioning everything now as he was not this person that I knew and he was a great dad for the most part. It just feels like me and my son have done something terribly wrong to him for him to behave this way towards us.

Sorry you feel so low O.P. You are still grieving for the loss of your relationship and this can take time, it's a process you have to go through, but you will get through it.
I would advise you to see your G.P for a review of your AD's, and maybe a change to something more effective for you. Also do consider counselling to help you unload and examine your feelings in a safe space with someone who won't judge you. Refocusing on something else might help, try to get your attention away from dwelling on your ex and his new life. Meet with friends, look after yourself and spoil yourself a bit, buy little treats, even if it's a bunch of flowers to remind yourself you deserve nice things in your life. You won't always feel like this, it just takes time.

Hi Wilson milson, I think I'm very stressed out as me and my son may also lose our home, weve been here for 15 years and it feels like this is all we have. He hasn't given me a penny since November last year, I have been a SAHM and not worked for a long time. I receive UC and he knows full well I was trying to survive on £330 for the month to feed my son, my animals and myself. To find out he took her on holiday to Eygpt on new years day and has bought himself a new car, its just a kick in the teeth. I am juggling so may problems in my head right now that I feel like giving up. I'm really, really sorry for the rant, I just feel hopeless xx

Sorry O.P l see you've said you are on the list for talking therapies, but l would urge you to go privately if you can stretch to it. Many therapists do cheaper rates for those on reduced incomes, its worth checking and phoning round. And believe me, you and your son have done nothing wrong, and please don't even give a hint of those thoughts to your son. This was your husbands decision and choice and unfortunately the way he is behaving is not uncommon. But please don't blame yourself or your son.

Hi Seaof troubles, I don't have any friends round where I live, my best mate is a sergeant in CID and moved for work, unfortunately for me I can see my mother in laws house from my house and my sister in law is just over the road. They have all decided that my husband is obviously a priority, I saw my MIL all the time for the last 15 years but she seems to think her son has done no wrong. She knew he had moved in with this other person and lied to my face when I asked her. I kind of feel like I didn't just lose my husband, I lost the whole family x

Hi seaoftroubles, my son isn't aware of how low I have felt, he has seen me in tears a few times but for the most part I don't let him know how bad i'm feeling. Do you mind if I ask you what I should google to find support maybe at a lower rate. I'm not exactly sure of what to look for, thanks in advance x

1. Back to GP for meds review and referral to psych consultant

2. call your lawyer and start proceedings so that your dickhead ex can’t spend all the money. Half of everything is yours.

Hi Gaston, yes he's definately trying to spend all of his money.

IT ISNT HIS MONEY

What arrangement have you got at the moment? Do you have access to joint funds? What is the house situation?

You need to find your anger.

Agree with @GastonHaugh - you need to find your anger. You have entitlements arising from your long marriage.

You do also need to see if you can start earning some money. There will be all kinds of transferable skills that you have learned from being a parent and maintaining the home. Even if it’s as a cleaner, I really think starting to earn some money will build your confidence and help you start to feel better.

Hi Gaston, no we didn't have a joint account, he gave me money for food for the first couple of months, I last gpt £70 in November and that was it. He pays the mortgage, which isn't massive it's £342 a month, this guy earns £48,000 after tax per year yet he's not bothered about checking if myself and his son are managing. He wants me to try and buy his side of the house from him, he said he wants to stop paying the mortgage after May payment.

Hi Dery, thank you for replying x

Op

would you consider looking for work? Waitressing, working in a supermarket etc?

Your world has just opened up a whole new round of opportunities and chances

You know you can do an access course at college and go to uni to train in a career you love?

What a vile man leaving you with £330 a month to live on!

Are you sure you are getting everything you are entitled to financially? Is your son working?

What happened to your savings when he left?

This man is a vile pathetic specimen and he certainly doesn’t deserve a lovely lady like you!!

He is not the be all and end all.

What are your goals? There are free online mental health lines you can call for support depending upon where you live

dont give up! Get up and go for a walk

What are your hobbies? What do you enjoy?

You need to consult a lawyer and find out what your entitlements are. That said, you can and should be working. It’s really important to be financially independent.

Please don't have unrealistic expectations of yourself. This is a huge change. It's going to take time to get over it. You absolutely will feel a million times better in time, but for now let yourself get it out.

If you need to call the Samaritans just for someone to talk to, they'd be glad to talk to you. And there will always be someone on MN to be on your side.

🌺

Tell us why you are losing thd house?

And what did you say to this nonsense?

Have you spoken to a solicitor? Do it. Make the appointment and start proceedings. Taking back some control and ownership will make you feel a lot better.

What’s the equity in the house?

Do you work?

Do you have any pension arrangements? Does he?

Details please.

O.P your latest update is just typical of the way some entitled men behave when they decide to reinvent themselves, sadly there have been many similar threads on here over the years. However first things first, l agree with Dery, you do need to find some way of earning some money, something like cleaning or maybe animal related as you mention having pets, dog minding or dogwalking might work. Loads of people need dog sitters and doggie daycare since the massive increase in dog ownership since the Pandemic. Also l would advise speaking to Citizens advice, or seeing a solicitor for advice on your assets. Getting busy and concentrating on how you are going to manage the situation will focus you too.

Hi Gaston, no I don't work, as far as I know he hasn't got a pension, but I could be tatally wrong. To split the house wouldn't leave me enough to buy somewhere else, I'd have to go down the private rent way.

Hi quitelikeit, If I can't take over his half of the house he wants it sold.

For low cost counsellingng, l am in the London area and we have Care to Listen which you can self refer to, but not sure how far they cover. Also check the BACP register where you can contact therapists and check which offer reduced fees.