8 months why still not managing

[Mollylegs]

Hi, please just ignore my post if it will just get on your nerves. My husband of 21 years left me 8 months ago for someone else. I was already on AD mostly for anxiety before he left. It has been nearly 9 months and I still find I'm not doing as well as I should be. A few people think I should just be over it by now, but I'm not. I'm here everyday just trying to get through the day. My 19 year old son is my world and it really upsets me that his dad doesn't really bother with him, I know it has hurt my son but he won't say anything to his dad incase he just doesn't bother with him at all anymore. I found out that he moved in with this other woman in January, he didn't bother telling our son that he'd moved house. He is now living with her and her children and hardly bothers with his own son anymore. Some days I am ok and get through the day, I go to bed at about 7.30pm most nights cause the day seems so long and I just want to be asleep away from it all. My son is 19 and by this point has been fed and he knows if he needs me just to wake me. I must seem pathetic to anyone looking in, I know I feel it but I just still can't cope. Last week I was so bad I had to ring the samaritans for help. If anyone replies, please could you just be kind, thankyou.

What rock do you live under?!? £48k is substantially over the average household income in the UK! Many, many households with kids manage on less than this!

How many bedrooms in the house? Could you take in a lodger? Could your son get a job to contribute to the household income? Could you work remotely? I would still contact the council re employment support. They work in a very individual way so should work to help you in the way you want ( including supporting you by phone or online) and to help you find work, or volunteering, you can do from home.

Are you sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to? Worth checking with the CAB or other advice service?

@Mollylegs
Even though we are giving a bit of advice, I really want you to most hear and feel all our kind love and support to you

Please remember you are not alone

You are welcome to DM me just as someone who is divorced and understand the horrid early time. I can't fix things nor am I an expert in anyway, but i can listen or chat a little bit x

Hi OP, first thing to do today is find a local recommended solicitor. Can you ask if they can come to the house for an appointment. Next today a review of your antidepressants would be a good idea, can they switch you to something else. If you don't mind answering this, how long have you been on your current AD, a change could be due. Next you need to make sure you are eating and drinking enough. With your agoraphobia are you able to sit on the garden step at the back door to get some fresh air and sun? I'm so sorry if that's ignorant I have no experience of agoraphobia.
I don't have any legal information to give but have read on here that spousal support is a thing, I was unaware of that.
This is all so much to deal with as well as him leaving, but if you have the energy contact either CAB or your local authority to find out if they can do a benefit review for you.
Biggest tightest hugs, I can read the sadness with every post. 💐

OP, you must, must, MUST get a good lawyer and get the divorce done. Mumsnetters may be able to recommend some. Your husband has no legal right to keep or spend all your joint money.

It doesn’t matter that you haven’t got a joint bank account. Your long marriage gives you legal rights, and he’s trying to hide them from you.

The starting point is 50/50, in your circumstances it may well be a lot more.

You need legal advice which can be difficult to get when you don't have savings, but the cab might be able to signpost you to a solicitor who will have so.e options for you. There are insurances to pay your legal fees with the costs taken out of your winnings.

Hi, I'm going to try and mention everryone. Whereismumhiding, I'm not sure how to DM someone, thanks for offering, woofwoofbeachlife. I've been on AD for 18 years, I have french doors that I open for the dog and I can sit out there if I want.He most certainly thinks he doesn't owe us anything, maybe I could deal with that a bit easier if he hadn't taken her on holiday and bought himself a nice new car. ofcourseshecan, thanks for the help. Woofwoofbeachlife. I am so desperately sad, should I be over it by now? I still miss him and still can't quite believe it happened. Thank god for my son who is a really lovely lad. He's got a huge heart and I'm very lucky to have him. Thank you everybody, I'm sorry if I forgot anyone xx

It's probably easiest to get your son to set up podcasts for you as it depends on your phone a bit. There are a couple of decent ones on Spotify or Google Podcasts, and there's thousands of old episodes you can listen back to.
You can also just go to the podcast website in your phone browser and click on episodes to listen.
Here's chatabix, for example https://shows.acast.com/chatabix
Or No Such Thing as a Fish, which is the QI people https://www.nosuchthingasafish.com/
My daughter likes Off Menu https://www.offmenupodcast.co.uk/ or Table Manners https://www.tablemannerspodcast.com/
These are good for silly nonsense to keep you distracted. When you're up for it there are also a few therapy podcasts such as Bryony Gordon's Mad World https://art19.com/shows/mad-world/

Hi OP, its just a thought but given the age of your son is there a chance you are also experiencing peri menopause. It might be worth investigating and may help with the anti-depressants not helping much if you are able to access HRT. I would also say a family member broke up with their partner in more amicable circumstances, albeit still heart breaking for them a few years ago and there are still days when they rage about it and feel quite bereft so please be kind to yourself. It's a form of grief and everyone handles grief in a different way.

After my ex buggered off I still had moments of sadness years later, too.

Molly, you have had loads of good advice here and lots of empathy too, so l hope it has made you feel more supported. Do start to take action on a few of the suggestions, then you will feel you are moving forward instead of feeling powerless and stuck. Start with contacting a solicitor and booking a chat to see what they advise, you may find you are in a better position than you think.
Also if your son is on a course but living with you he could get some evening or weekend work to boost the family income which would help your immediate situation. Keep posting and updating though, there is always lots of valuable advice here, and many who have been through what you are experiencing and come out the other side.

Thanks so much for all your kindness and practical help xx

You are welcome Molly, my Mum had agoraphobia so l know how hard it can be. She did learn to manage it but always preferred to be close to home. Hers came from childhood trauma and lifelong anxiety but she would have bouts of it when under pressure. As she was also a single mum of 4 she had to be able to leave her home for brief periods though. I apologise if you are already aware but Anxiety uk have a free self help download on managing Agoraphobia, so if you haven't seen it get your son to download it for you.

Thank you seaoftroubles, it just seems so hard at the moment xx

Sending you an unmumsnetty hug and a hand hold Molly.Try listening to some gentle guided meditation on you tube to help you feel calm. I like Linda Hall, she has a very soothing voice and is great for relaxation and anxiety and making you feel grounded.

No you shouldn't be over it yet at all! I think we should send hugs more on Mumsnet, here's a huge tight hug from me. Your ex is a dick. Your son sounds such a lovely young man. I hope you manage to speak to a GP, is there a mental health nurse at your practice. In ours we can make an appointment and not need any GP handover. That would be a good place to start too. Xx

Im sorry OP

in the kindest way possible you are going to have to tackle the depression and grief somehow

you are not the first or the last to have this pain
and it might always hurt

but you must try and help yourself a bit and make some steps forward
veru easy to say
not as easy to do

check the medication 💊 with Gp
try and access counselling
force yourself to get up , shower , wash hair
put some make up on and go for a walk
make your body move

you have many years ahead of you
but this tackling depression IS hard bloody work

@WoofWoofBeachLife I think I might have cracked this replying stuff. Thanks so much for the hugs, you too @Seaoftroubles I must admit, my son hugs me every day and says how much he loves me. I'm very lucky to have gotten the best part of the deal when my husband left. I got our son, the absolute best, kindest human being. I do have that to be grateful for. It sounds rather pathetic to say we moved here to be closer to my mother in law. I don't have any friends here, no one. Now I don't see my MIL or SIL anymore I don't have any visitors now. I have a couple of neighbours I know but not friends, it's quite hard when I have no one to vent to. I try really hard to not say anything bad about his dad to him as I know it's not fair. I'm not perfect in that respect, sometimes like the shock of him moving in with her, I was so upset and called him all the arseholes under the sun. I still feel rubbish about everything xx

@Thisisworsethananticpated I know I need to snap myself out of it, I don't go out of tyhe house so I need to get around that too. Thank you for your advice,xx

Mollylegs

it’s really hard !!! I had a major episode last year and fuck it was hard
you literally have to fight depression and force yourself darling

but these things over time help so much

even starting with self care and small goals

Molly, your son sounds lovely but at 19 he is adult enough for you to be honest with him about the situation, you don't have to sugar coat your husbands poor behaviour. As for your in laws ( his grand parents) they sound very unpleasant. l hope they haven't rejected your son as well as you! There is really no justification for your husbands behaviour whichever way you look at it.

As others have suggested, can you start to use your anger to galvanise yourself into action and start fighting back? Even though you are house bound at present there's loads you can do via the phone and online to seek advice and to begin taking steps forward. Don't let your ex scare you by threatening that you will lose your house. Take control and fight for what's yours. You have already received encouragement, advice and support on here so keep venting when you feel like it but do make use of some of the advice too!

@Seaoftroubles Hi, my son still sees his grandparents. It upsets me that they have said I'm a liar and his dad never cheated, they said they knew nothing about her or that she even existed but there was stuff on Facebook with grandma knowing full well there was someone else. I don't mean to sound petty but fair enough if you want to lie to me but do not lie to my son just because your sons behaviour was crap. I had to tell my son in the end but he came back from grandmas calling me a liar, I just couldn't take it, I'm not the one who has lied and bloody cheated so in the end I showed him the pics. which are obviously dated and have comments too. I felt really,really bad doing it but my son thought I might be lying to him but I wasn't. I don't feel good about doing it but I felt cornered. xx

Molly, don't reproach yourself, you did the right thing in showing your son the evidence, the truth is best and l hope he lets his grandparents know this as well. It must be a very difficult situation for you but at least your son is in the picture now. All you can do is hold your head high and stay no contact with them.

Even if your son was younger it would still be OK for you to show your anger/upset in that situation. It's fine for him to see that his mum can get pissed off when someone does something idiotic; you don't have to create some kind of Disney persona for yourself. It would be different if you were constantly badmouthing his dad or something, but the odd expression of feelings is just normal human behaviour. With my adult children I tried to talk about it as a stupid thing their dad did; poor choices rather than bad character.