8 months why still not managing

[Mollylegs]

Hi, please just ignore my post if it will just get on your nerves. My husband of 21 years left me 8 months ago for someone else. I was already on AD mostly for anxiety before he left. It has been nearly 9 months and I still find I'm not doing as well as I should be. A few people think I should just be over it by now, but I'm not. I'm here everyday just trying to get through the day. My 19 year old son is my world and it really upsets me that his dad doesn't really bother with him, I know it has hurt my son but he won't say anything to his dad incase he just doesn't bother with him at all anymore. I found out that he moved in with this other woman in January, he didn't bother telling our son that he'd moved house. He is now living with her and her children and hardly bothers with his own son anymore. Some days I am ok and get through the day, I go to bed at about 7.30pm most nights cause the day seems so long and I just want to be asleep away from it all. My son is 19 and by this point has been fed and he knows if he needs me just to wake me. I must seem pathetic to anyone looking in, I know I feel it but I just still can't cope. Last week I was so bad I had to ring the samaritans for help. If anyone replies, please could you just be kind, thankyou.

Thank you for all your replies x

Op

you must start looking to the future, you need to plan things, have goals - you are merely existing at the moment….

If the house sells is there going to be enough for you to buy a flat or small house?

If you are surviving on £330 you really can’t afford therapy so people should stop suggesting this. Try charities like Mind, though where I am all they offer is that bloody humanistic/ person centred stuff where they listen but say nothing helpful. Anyway, charities / some Christian groups offer free counselling. Try googling what is in your area.

Your council is likely to have some sort of Into Work service, where you will get a mentor to support you. Some of these schemes can help you access free counselling. They recognize people need to be in the right head space to look for work. They can help you find training and should be able to pay for it too. They can help you set up a business. Some will help pay for equipment you need to work/ set up a business. There are loads of these different employment support schemes and some are really good, so they are worth investigating.

I am so sorry this has happened to you OP. I despise men like your husband. I really do. You gave him a brilliant and easy life by being a SAHW and now, like so many men before him, he is treating you like this! He’s awful.

As PP said upthread.. you need to find your anger!
You were a good enough wife for all these years, and now he has found himself a piece of skirt.. take some comfort from the fact that when she let him move in, she created a vacancy!
Go have a shower, dress smartly and get yourself organised.
Empower yourself.
Start making calls.
Get yourself to a lawyer.. he will probably have a pension with that salary.. you have entitlements to that and the house.
Get yourself to CAB... look for a job...ANY job at this stage... it is easier to move on to something else once you are in employment.
You have run a home, handled a budget, dealt with family admin.... you HAVE so many skills.. all of them transferable..
You have talents... think about all the things you have done since you got married and had your son. So many women just don't recognise what they do on a daily basis as skills.
You are worth more than this apology for a man can give you. He is a disrespectful twat... walking off into the sunset with his floozy..
So.. go find your anger... and get your life back for YOU!
Make your son proud of you.. he is not a child.. he doesnt need protected from the reality of his fathers behaviour. You be his role model.
And you phone Samaritans or any other helpline as and when you like.. as often as you need to.. because that is what they are there for... and YOU are worth it.
Good Luck!

Hi quitelikeit, Half of the money wouldn't get me a home

Trying not to kick you whilst you are down but unless there is something you have left out there is no reason you can't work? Your son is an adult so you husband doesn't have to give you anything. Between the two of you can't you get a mortgage and buy him out? Otherwise yes the house needs to be sold. Get a solicitor and start right away fighting for your rights.

A few people think I should just be over it by now, but I'm not.
My mum thought I should have been over it after 2 months, ha ha! Some people have no clue.

Samaritans was a good idea; you are doing something to take care of yourself, well done.

Are you getting outside? Exercise, sunshine and fresh air can be really helpful. Sorry if it's an obvious suggestion, but from my experience I'd recommend going for a long walk in the evening rather than going to bed - download a free podcast app on your phone, plug in some earphones and listen to stupid, mindless nonsense such as Chatterbix for an hour's fast walking.

Also have a look if there are any free self-help groups locally, or drop-in cafés, or those walking groups for people with depression.

If you've been getting by (just about) on that little money then you're clearly a natural planner and organiser. You should be proud of how well you're managing with so few resources and in such a hard position. Ignore the clueless people.

Op

you would be very wise to start looking to the future - what do you want out of life? You can be happy again - at the moment you are stuck but you need to realise only you can get yourself out of this rut

Are your meds making you tired? Too tired if you go to bed at 7pm

I know you are struggling but you must remember this has also deeply affected your son - he is clearly shielding you from his pain

his father is gone and his mother cannot function

You are the captain of your ship now - look for a little job - anything will do

Darling it’s utterly shit and I am so sorry this is happening to you. You don’t have to be over anything, you are experiencing a huge loss, it takes time. I remember your previous posts about this as I am in a very similar situation, 23 years and two children and off he went with someone 15 years younger.

it’s been awful, like you I don’t recognise the man I thought I knew, but from what you’ve said he’s been a much better person than your ex, he’s still contributing financially and sees our children once or twice a month for a day.

You sound like you are very much existing and grieving, you were really brave calling the Samaritans and please don’t think your need was less than anyone else’s, but you need to take that first step forward to your new future. Not only for your sake but also for your sons sake you have to get legal advice- he doesn’t get to just fuck off and absolve himself of all and any responsibility and he really doesn’t get to insist you do anything regarding the house.

If you can’t do it for you, do it for your son, this is his future too.

8 months is nothing, when you thought you had a happy and solid marriage. You are dealing with not just the loss of your relationship, but the loss of the dreams and hopes you had for the future. It comes as one hell of a shock to the system and it sounds as though you are still processing everything.

Saying that though, (and I say this as someone who went through similar) you need to find your anger and start fighting back. Your XH sounds as though he is just waiting for you to roll over and do as he says and accept the status quo. You don't have to. YOU can start proceedings. It sounds as though you may be better off moving somewhere you don't have to see MILs house, somewhere where you can make yourself a new life and find yourself new friends. I know this is a cliche but what about starting some evening classes? You will meet new people! And find yourself a job, something small even, something that will give your life some routine and structure and build your confidence.

I'm sure you don't want your son to feel he has to stay close to you to support you - you want him to get out in the world and make himself a successful life, and at 19 he should be doing this. Make steps to get yourself a good life, so he doesn't feel any guilt in launching himself away from you.

Chin up, big girl pants on, and show that XH of yours what he's missing!

How have you been managing on £48,000 for the three of you if you don’t work? Were/are you claiming any benefits?

How does your husband imagine you’d pay for house? Has he said that you need a get a job now and that’s why he won’t be paying the mortgage after May? It feels like there are details missing here. Do you have a history of ill health?

8 months is no time at all.

You're shocked. Distressed. Traumatised. Not to mention terribly hurt. It's truly horrible. Your head is in a spin and you're probably a bit frozen with worry and anxiety.

I'm not surprised.

However, once you start to take even tiny steps of action that will start to liberate you from your current nightmare.

One day at a time. Try and do something that contributes to your future. You do have a future.

Maybe just browse idly on a college website. Daydream about what you'd like to do.

If you're going on lots of walks, think about taking a couple of dogs with you from neighbours and earn a bit of money that way.

Ask a friend or contacts for solicitor recommendations - you do need a solicitor to fight your corner.

You will heal. But there are things you can do to make yourself feel better in the meantime.

Hi @Mollylegs
A sad welcome to our big club of divorcees or soon to be divorcees
I'm 14 years on, had our 3 DCs under 6 at time and believe me 8 months is nothing, it takes about 1-2 years at least or longer , not surprised you're still suffering depression which is what you're describing.
You've had practical advice but I wanted to send care and thoughts to you.

Unfortunately some men (and it's often men that are difficult about money when they were supported in their careers by homemaker wife occasionally can be other way round) when they leave. That's an extra pressure and worry.

Just remember you can't fix your sons fathers behaviour. He will be selfish & uninterested if that's who he is. You can only look for legal financial remedies, as far as they go.

I'm selling our family home, to downsize. It's sad but has to be done.

Just remember you are not alone . Plenty of online clubs and support, if you don't feel like going out right now.

I'm not saying you'll feel 100% happy after 1-2 years but the biggest clouds do start to lift with time, after you get over the shock and some of the anger. Try to find the funny and joy in simple things where you can as that's a start.
No one who has gone through this in similar way will judge you for feeling sad and vulnerable still. There was a part of naïve and trusting me that I lost back then but I'm stronger and tougher now and take no prisoners sometimes! I've very independent now.

Hello, can I just say thanks for all the people who have left a post. If my ex sells the house there won't be enough for my to buy anything else. I'm agoraphobic, I don't leave my home and a couple of other medical problems add up to me not going anywhere. My son is 100% honest with me, sometimes he does try to shield me from things but I do try to understand what he's going through and support him the best I can. He comes first and he knows that. I find it disgraceful that his dad earns alot of money but doesn't check if we have enough money for food. I have no idea of any savings as he had a separate bank account, I literally have no idea. Gaston my hubby wants me to pay the mortgage using my PIP.

Molly, l am so sorry to hear you have agoraphobia, this must be very tough. How do you manage day to day, or for example if you need to attend the Doctors or hospital appointments? Can you manage short distances or are you completely confined to home? If so this throws a different light on a lot of the advice you have been given.

Hi seaoftroubles, I am really embarrassed to tell people, I pretty much live in the house. I get food shopping delivered and if I need to speak to my GP i do it over the phone. It's not the only medical reason I don't go out, there is more but I'd rather not say on a public platforms. My life is very isolated, my son is on a course that he's really enjoying and that makes me happy xx

Perhaps try contacting Mind or similar and see what groups you could get into online? https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/peer-support-directory/find-peer-support-where-you-live/
I take it your GP already knows about the agoraphobia?

If you're indoors then I'd still recommend doing an hour (or more) of physical activity rather than going to bed directly. What I'd often do in your situation was put music/podcasts on my earphones and dance/jump about, in private obviously! It simply helped work off some of the physical stress.

Or if you are not mobile, get a couple of heavy bottles of water and lift them, for instance.

Hi 80s, thank you for your advice, my son has some headphones and try a podcast, I'm not very technical with these kind of thing, would you mind giving me an example of what to look into, thanks.

I think you have a good case for spousal maintenance and being awarded far more than 50% share of property assets give that you are now disabled and also were main care giver to bring up your child having supported your DHs career

You don't need a barrister you can be litigant in person but pay a little to get solicitor to help you complete form E (financial disclosures), you can ask judge to make DH EOW close his assets if you have any evidence he has hidden any in his form E.

*disclose, not 'EOW close '

My suggestion is that you look up 2 bed properties that you'd be happy with and work out how much that's lwwvw

You're also entitled to a (usually 50%) share of his pension (as well as he yours) so you may find judge also offset that (if his is fr higher value) to award you more or or all of the property value (not including mortgage left) amount

It's not true that everyone gets 50% of the money in house , I was awarded 100% and I know other SAHMs awarded 70-80%

8 months is early days. Anyone thinking you should be over it is an idiot.
Convert your grief and misplaced guilt into anger and action. Start divorce proceedings urgently. You have rights to your share of the marital assets.

Stop thinking about what HE wants and what HE says will happen. He’s trying to deprive you of everything you’re entitled to and he’s succeeding, because you’re acting like there’s nothing you can do. Think instead in terms of what YOU need and what YOU are entitled to. You need a solicitor, right now.

Thank you muminhiding4 I think I'm going to find a local solicitor and aask for advice,thanks very much.