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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone regretted leaving their marriage?

53 replies

Han490 · 26/04/2023 00:39

I am married and am thinking about my next steps. My husband is controlling but I am scared of losing him.

Has anyone left but then regretted it? And if so, why?

OP posts:
FTstepmum · 26/04/2023 00:59

I left a controlling and manipulative man. I was so scared - really worried that I'd be making a mistake.

That's exactly what controlling partners want you to feel.

I won't lie - It took a few years to recover from the trauma.

But I definitely didn't make a mistake!

I pray you make the right decision that will give you the peace you deserve.

FetchezLaVache · 26/04/2023 01:12

I regretted...

...not leaving it sooner.

I imagine you're scared of losing him because you think the man you fell in love with is in there somewhere and it's just a matter of time before you get him back, but that's not true in my experience (and from what I read on these boards!). Why not use this thread as a sounding board, to talk about the kind of things he does, what your options are, etc?

gerbilcrocus · 26/04/2023 06:24

I can only speak for myself, but no, I've never regretted it, and I'm prone to over-thinking things and having moments of conflicting feelings about lots of things, but not my marriages

gerbilcrocus · 26/04/2023 06:25

Marriage, not marriages

AgrathaChristie · 26/04/2023 06:40

Like pp, I only regretted not leaving sooner.
He has made you feel you need him in your life, maybe suggested you won’t cope without him, maybe suggested he won’t be able to live without you — it’s all part of the control, all bollocks.

PaintedEgg · 26/04/2023 07:29

my only regret is not leaving sooner

everyone and their dog were trying to convince me to stay - only after i left people began admitting they didnt actually like my ex, but it felt like a right thing to do to try and tell me to stay based on nothing else but relationship tenure

literally everything in my life got immediately better, despite having to couch surf at my parents for a bit. I distinctively remember going to sit by the river on my lunch break, aware I left my entire life behind (having left my ex literally all furniture and only grabbing clothes I could carry and my phone) and being so happy and excited about my life. I'd buy this feeling as a diet supplement if it was available!

GreyCarpet · 26/04/2023 07:44

I also only regretted not leaving sooner.

I immediately felt a sense of relief and spent 12 months feeling utterly elated and invincible.

It took about 18 months to feel 'normal' and by that I mean to not feel like I was floating on air and ecstatically happy all the time.

I spent that time starting new hobbies, making friends and doing things exh would have thoroughly disapproved of.

I had a 'fuck it' year of doing stuff I wouldn't have been able to do if I'd still been with him.

He is remarried. I am not and, although I'm in a relationship now, spent 10 years mostly single. But I had so much fun and he is now a miserable old man who is always complaining and has become the world's biggest victim. I joined a band 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorchamarie · 26/04/2023 07:50

As others have pointed out, you also need to consider whether you'll regret staying, even more than you'll regret leaving, especially if you have children (and if you don't yet, think very, very seriously about saddling them with a controlling father!) Imagine how you'd feel if one of your children ends up in a controlling (i.e abusive) relationship as an adult because that kind of relationship was modelled to them as acceptable by you staying with this man?

TicTac80 · 26/04/2023 07:50

I wish I ended things sooner instead of trying to flog a dead horse for years. My problem was that I was in love with a ghost, and he gaslit me for years.

The only other thing that was a regret, was that he had turned into the person he had, not the guy I first met and fell in love with.

Netcam · 26/04/2023 07:54

Like others, wish I had left sooner. Never regretted leaving for a single day after I was free again. Now married again to the best man ever, for me anyway.

Snoken · 26/04/2023 08:06

Nope, don't regret it one bit. I left about 16 months ago and I have felt so light, so happy and content ever since. I moved countries when I left and started again and I have made lots of new single friends, although our stories are all very different, not one of us regrets leaving. I feel like women generally don't as we get very little out of long marriages. There is a reason why single women live longer than married women, I am sure.

Pyaar · 26/04/2023 08:10

No regrets here 6 yrs on

13Bastards · 26/04/2023 08:16

I only regret the time I spent with him, I knew the marriage was dead for years, but he was manipulative and emotionally abusive and gaslighting and all the other fun stuff (did I mention he was a cheat)

I threw him out and have never looked back since. I met someone new and have never been so in love or so happy with a man who adores me.

OP you know deep down what you need to do- be brave

TheMarsian · 26/04/2023 08:29

Some people do regret leaving. There are a few threads on MN about it but it’s somehow not ok to say it.

I think though it depends a LOT of why you want to leave and him being abusive is unlikely to make you regret your decision.
HOW you are leaving can make a difference though - like having a job before leaving so you are not penniless can make a big difference.

Oz122 · 26/04/2023 08:32

I wish I had a crystal ball. I am currently wanting to separate from my husband of 12 years, been my partner 25 years. He has changed so much, from not making any effort to communicate unless drink taken, then talks nonsense or gets nasty about "issues" mostly no intimacy.... doesn't remember what he's told me or what I have told him, so I stop talking. Sits all weekend when not working, 4am literally to 3pm, (drinking time). Doesn't speak to me or our two kids, 12&15. When not drinking. When I ask him why, he says, "well they don't speak to me" really!!!! I have been called quite a few nasty names by him when I have tried to explain why I want to separate, been told I'm useless and boring, thanks. The list goes on. We did try counselling 3 years ago when I again came to this stage, he only done one session basically to tick the box. Then last year I went back myself as I was still feeling like this, but then we had a family bereavement and here we are again.

Sorry I could go on forever on this matter, I am so conflicting, I'm not happy and he has admitted he isn't either, old kid has made comments on the situation also. But I am absolutely guilt ridden and the fear of breaking up the family and it having a lasting affect, on my kids. It's such a hard place to be in, deep down I know we have came to end off the road. Has anyone experience off this predicament and kids also that have came out the other side.

Thank you for reading and advice XX

midgemadgemodge · 26/04/2023 08:42

No regrets at all
Life is good now

Alcemeg · 26/04/2023 08:43

You won't have any regrets, OP. No one wants to smash their marriage to bits without good reason. Half the reasons will only become clear over time, as you will have got used to all kinds of crap that one day you will look back on with dismay!

@Oz122, I think you need to start your own thread. Good luck!

Oz122 · 26/04/2023 08:44

Oops how do I do this

ilovemydog123 · 26/04/2023 08:47

I left a controlling bully it took a good few attempts where he came to get me and talk me back into going back
But I did it and was the best decision I ever made and never looked back
I'm so much happier now wish I did it sooner
Follow your heart
I went for a divorce on my 30th birthday best present I gave myself xx

Rolly79 · 26/04/2023 08:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the author's request.

Ellie56 · 26/04/2023 09:02

Oz122 · 26/04/2023 08:44

Oops how do I do this

@Oz122

Scroll to the top of the page and click on the blue flash that says, "Start new thread".

Oz122 · 26/04/2023 09:06

Thank you, think I got it ☺️

cleanbreak2022 · 26/04/2023 09:10

@Oz122 please end your marriage, and I mean that with compassion, it sounds so blunt but it meant with best intentions.
I posted on another thread that that the unknown is scary, but the future you know you are going to have and the future your children are going to have is miserable.

No one gets to the end and feels proud that that they endured a life as you describe.

There's a wonderful thing called life and living, it's beautiful, full of colour and laughter, sweet smells. It's hard, it's challenging but there's balance. The life you are currently living is just challenging, give yourself the chance to live Flowers

Oz122 · 26/04/2023 09:26

You mentioned he uses the kids, that's pathetic on his part, obviously not thinking how this all affects the kids to use them as a tool to get at you. Your the only one who can change the situation. Get as much help as you can and take one day at a time. You deserve to be happy and if your not, why keep being manipulated in this way. A great bit off advice I got was, look at your relationship, and look at your kids. Do you want them to go on to think that this is the way it should be when they are older and mimic the exact same partnership, on both sides. Take care XX

pointythings · 26/04/2023 09:34

I think you will find that where there is control/abuse, regret is very rare. It's when someone leaves thinking the grass will be greener that the risk is greater and that is not your situation.

I am another one who wishes they had left sooner.