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Original poster

Has anyone regretted leaving their marriage?

53 replies

Han490 · 26/04/2023 00:39

I am married and am thinking about my next steps. My husband is controlling but I am scared of losing him.

Has anyone left but then regretted it? And if so, why?

OP posts:
TigerTony · 26/04/2023 09:39

I am still in the process of leaving and I have major wobbles. Yesterday was one and I cried and felt deep DEEP regret. But, I should have left sooner and a friend reminded me that I hadn't been happy for a long long time. The regret is manifestation of how difficult it is to get out of the situation. And just like a PP said, the controlling man wants you to feel regret and panic. Good luck OP xxx

Oz122 · 26/04/2023 09:55

Thank you @cleanbreak2022 I know deep down it is the right thing to do. It's the fear of all the upheaval, finances, kids reactions that makes me doubt my actions. We weren't always like this and it's just sad all round. But live goes on and my two kids are my world and they need to see a happy, strong mum. Good luck for the future XX

ThisWormHasTurned · 26/04/2023 11:42

No regrets 16 months on. In fact he’s shown me who he truly is since we separated and then divorced.
I reached a point where I realised the prospect of spending possibly 40+ more years with him was scarier than being on my own.
Cons - finances are tight. I got used to having a decent joint income and savings. I still have to parent with him because we have a child together.
Pros - everything else. I feel so much happier and stronger in myself. I can do many more things than I realised. DD is far happier. Home is now a relaxing safe space for us both. I have met a new man who is lovely. He is caring and calm (I didn’t realise how anxious XH made me).
I had one pang when we had a laugh together and I thought “Why aren’t we together?” but then it passed. No regrets.
Check out Caroline Strawson on social media and YouTube and see if any of her info rings true.

barbrahunter · 26/04/2023 13:17

Another with zero regrets over ending my 20 year marriage. I completely relate to people who describe that feeling of lightness, of sheer joy and floating on air because that's just how I felt when he was finally gone. It was like my soul sang with elation.

It always makes me sad to think that a generation or 2 back, people generally had to stay in marriage for a range of cultural and financial reasons. There must have been a host of very very unhappy people about in those days. At least now, although it's never easy, at least there is some chance of escape.

TheShit · 26/04/2023 13:40

My marriage was relatively short, and I still managed to endure 2.5years of shit behaviour and torment while I struggled to get to a place where I felt I could leave. And immediately a weight lifted.

Divorce was hard, but far easier than marriage. I only regret that I didn't leave sooner, but I also know I had to come to that conclusion in my own time.

Life now is infinitely simpler, calmer, and more straightforward. We coparent amicably and I'm genuinely happy and content with my lot. I feel so free.

BlastedPimples · 26/04/2023 13:42

No regret at all. Financially he's being an absolute shit and possibly will make me and the dcs homeless.

But so happy The Darkness has gone. That's what I call him - The Darkness.

Oz122 · 26/04/2023 15:44

@ThisWormHasTurned thank you for your message. I have tried again to talk this through and I keep getting told to stop going on about it and that good luck with the kids as it will ruin them and I can tell them myself at its all my doing. He doesn't want this. But nothing changes, ever!! This makes me wobble and doubt my strength on carrying this through to the end. 😪

Irritateandunreasonable · 26/04/2023 15:46

I had regrets at points. It’s a mourning process. It was the right decision.

Not married though, engaged together 10 years house & 3 kids.

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 26/04/2023 15:53

Not at all. I’m still happy with my choice and not regretting it decades later. Sure, there are things that have become more difficult but, a life with hope is one worth living, never been happier in my life.

The only regret I have is not leaving earlier, every extra month/year I stayed with him, made splitting up considerably more problematic.

WednesdaysMentor · 26/04/2023 16:06

yes and no, not married together 23 years. Always other women on the edges of our relationship, but nothing concrete enough to prove cheating. 4 years ago he had an EA with my friend he was making serious effort to charm her and get her into bed, when i found out told me he didnt love me and hadnt for a long time. Then when i told him to leave manipulated me to letting him stay.

We split in January as i mentally checked out. Then after just 4 weeks has moved in with the woman from the EA.

So for me its still raw, i go through waves of feeling i have made a huge mistake, i still love him, i should have stayed then have another wave of feeling fine and calm and knowing i did the right thing, i cry a lot when i think about him.

But i have to remember his bad points - selfish man, very very selfish, always put his wants first, never did any housework, couldnt trust him round women as he would start flirting, spent our 23 years together waiting for him to leave me for another woman, shit with money and has left me up to my eyes in debt, he has 3 CCJs, always spent money on designer clothes / flash watches/ anything he fancied than pay his bills

And now he pretty much ignores DD who is 10, messages her twice a week on Snapchat and never asks to see her.

Its getting nasty now, he is doing what ever he can to hurt me, but its not working, i am one step ahead of him.

So yes i do regret it but in time i am sure i will be like others on here and feel happy and glad to be away from him. it just hurts still at the moment

Nachobowls · 26/04/2023 16:09

Weren't married but yes I regret leaving. My situation is probably a lot different to others though.

caringcarer · 26/04/2023 17:16

My only regret was staying as long as I did.

Most people regret things they did not do, not the things they did do.

If he is controlling and not making you happy what is the point of staying with him?

Sometimes you have to be brave to become happier.

mephi · 26/04/2023 17:22

Not for a minute. Once I had decided there was simply no future, I was desperate for him to go. I got locked down with him during covid which was suffocating. Immense relief was what I felt as soon as he went and I have never looked back. Good luck OP - I'm sure there will be a wealth of fresh air, peace and freedom on the other side once you get there!

Gettingbysomehow · 26/04/2023 17:30

God no I regret not going sooner. 1st husband turned violent after I had a baby and as for husband number two. I just saw him on a friend's facebook page. Same gormless idiot as ever. No personality of his own at all so changes his appearance to fit in with whatever woman he is with.
I have never been happier than I am now, alone.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 26/04/2023 18:35

No regrets

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 26/04/2023 22:13

Oz122 · 26/04/2023 09:55

Thank you @cleanbreak2022 I know deep down it is the right thing to do. It's the fear of all the upheaval, finances, kids reactions that makes me doubt my actions. We weren't always like this and it's just sad all round. But live goes on and my two kids are my world and they need to see a happy, strong mum. Good luck for the future XX

It is sad and it will be sad and hard for your kids too, that doesn't mean it's the wrong path. You're saying goodbye to the life you thought you had and to the person you thought he was too, that's really sad and it hurts. There's a lot of cognitive dissonance in abusive relationships, it's hard to let go of that person he first was, or at least appeared to be. We've just started the process of seperating. It's scary thinking of doing it all on my own, which makes no sense because I already am.

Home is now a relaxing safe space for us both. @ThisWormHasTurned this is what I want, so much. I want to be able to relax and not feel on edge in my own home. I want to not see constant reminders of him and to not get anxious when I hear the front door open and know he's home. I want to never ever again see his clothes in the laundry hamper (I don't wash them anymore) he was completely horrible and nasty, screaming over the laundry one day.

Original poster
Han490 · 26/04/2023 23:04

Thank you everyone. It is great to hear these stories. Sending strength to those who are still going through hard times 🌷

OP posts:
Disneyblueeyes · 26/04/2023 23:08

Probably quite a few people do I reckon, but don't want to admit it.
Depends on the reasons really.

lifehappens12 · 27/04/2023 09:26

As per the others - I regretted not leaving my controlling husband earlier. Felt I wasted a lot of life being unhappy in my marriage.

Reason I stayed was hope it would get better, fear of what people would say and I really wanted kids.

It never got better but got worse

My Dad coped with the news and friends totally supported me

I left him age 36 and met a new partner a year later and did start a family

Hotfootgoose · 27/04/2023 09:30

I had regrets on early, because he had eroded my self esteem and isolated me, so without him I was lonely. Fast forward ten years, I am remarried with two daughters and I am so happy. My ex was an evil narcissist, and I am so glad I left him, despite how hard the years after were for me as I was so traumatised.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/04/2023 13:12

Nope. Not for a second. My life after leaving my husband improved on absolutely every single measure.

And also where you're talking about someone being controlling it's not just about you it's about your children.

Kimberjem · 27/04/2023 14:58

No regrets not for a second.
don’t regret not leaving earlier because I waited until youngest was 2.5 and I trusted that exh could look after dc effectively and safely

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 27/04/2023 15:08

Depends on the reason.

Spouse leaves spouse for another man/woman? Yes, I've known several that found grass wasn't greener. Also known some not regret it.

Leaving a controling or abusive spouse? Nope, only ever known people regret staying as long as they did or having more kids with them.

Kicking out cheating spouse? Nope. The cheating spouse often very much regrets the break up though. Might get sad that they weren't who they thought they were and mourn the future they thought they had with them but it wasn't real.

ThisWormHasTurned · 27/04/2023 15:34

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 26/04/2023 22:13

It is sad and it will be sad and hard for your kids too, that doesn't mean it's the wrong path. You're saying goodbye to the life you thought you had and to the person you thought he was too, that's really sad and it hurts. There's a lot of cognitive dissonance in abusive relationships, it's hard to let go of that person he first was, or at least appeared to be. We've just started the process of seperating. It's scary thinking of doing it all on my own, which makes no sense because I already am.

Home is now a relaxing safe space for us both. @ThisWormHasTurned this is what I want, so much. I want to be able to relax and not feel on edge in my own home. I want to not see constant reminders of him and to not get anxious when I hear the front door open and know he's home. I want to never ever again see his clothes in the laundry hamper (I don't wash them anymore) he was completely horrible and nasty, screaming over the laundry one day.

Show quote history

Honestly, I spent the first week after he moved out just sighing with relief. He had been WFH so it was just constant. If he went out, I dreaded him coming back. Every time I went out without him, there was drama. He was controlling and narcissistic. My life is happier with him at a distance. Our home was always a mess. Now I’m gradually tidying and cleaning it, it’s lovely.

PeaceLilyCactus · 27/04/2023 15:43

No, I left a controlling man. I very briefly wondered if I’d made a mistake, but he made my life hell for two years after, which reinforced the idea that I’d made the right decision. It’s been five years now. I still have nightmares where I dream about still being with him. I didn’t realise just how awful our relationship had been until I had enough distance from it. Good luck OP.