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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I Stupid? How to be friends

78 replies

QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:31

Long story, went out with a guy I was head over heels for 3 years ago. The connection was insane on my part, I absolutely loved him. He didn't feel the same way unfortunately so we split. We were no contact for about 2 years, I still thought about him all the time.

We are both single and have recently reconnected as saw me on a dating site. We are just friends as he obviously thinks

I'm over it and we discuss dating etc, we are both dating people.

I don't want to be so silly and after 3 years I should be over this, I've been on 2 dates this week so not like I'm not getting out there. It just bloomin kills me knowing he's looking for something else and talks to me about it.

I'm absolutely sure that he isn't interested in me romantically anymore, we got on well though and I'd like to he friends.

I just feel so jealous, I'd never tell him that though 😩 😫

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:33

I also want him to be happy I really do, so need to accept this somehow

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 25/04/2023 21:35

Hi @QueenConsort
His loss! 💃 Keep going on those dates and find someone amazing x

Original poster
QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:36

Thanks it's just hard. I don't want to not be friends as I like him as a person but it's just horrible, I'm okay in the day but find myself tearful in the evenings again.

This is ridiculous 😒

OP posts:
Ohow · 25/04/2023 21:37

Honestly it's not worth it. It will only end up in you being hurt

Original poster
QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:38

I know. I thought I'd be better in the 2 years no contact and I was I suppose but I still always thought about him.

What is wrong with me!

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 25/04/2023 21:39

Do you need friends who make you feel sad? in what way will this friendship make you happy?

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/04/2023 21:40

Nothing is wrong with you. You just can’t be friends with this man. And to attempt it any further is just pure masochism. Makes me wonder if you’re sabotaging yourself in finding a partner.

Tell him you can’t see him as a friend and won’t be in touch for a while. Then just don’t get in touch or reply.

Original poster
QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:40

Logically it won't but he's not being mean, he just assumes I'm over it all as I should be. I probably need to cut it right back, I can't handle telling him the truth.

OP posts:
sladys · 25/04/2023 21:42

I wouldn't tell him the truth about how you feel. That would only be positive if he felt the same.

He knows you're single and if he was interested in that way he'd so something about it.

I don't mean to sound so harsh or blunt about it as it sounds really hard. Just really want to advise against you putting yourself forward for more hurt and rejection

bumblebeees · 25/04/2023 21:43

Hmm

Original poster
QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:44

Oh yes I couldn't tell him. I don't want to completely cut contact he's done nothing wrong, do I just fade it out?

OP posts:
MiniTheMinx · 25/04/2023 21:45

I would just tell him the truth. Not in any sort of high drama or emotional way, just blunt and factual. "sorry can't be your friend because you hurt me" and cut contact. He more than likely knows how you feel anyway.

Heroicallyfound · 25/04/2023 21:47

Stop telling yourself what you should feel. You feel how you feel and it’s okay.

so what do you really honestly feel? Sad? Angry? Annoyed with him for banging on about his dating life? Be completely honest with yourself. That’s the only way to move through the feelings.

Original poster
QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:53

I feel angry with myself right now for not being over it but that's all.

In relation to him I feel sad, so sad that I'm not what he's looking for. That's happens though, that's life.

I feel confused how I could think what we had was worth something but he doesn't, again that's life I guess.

I feel jealous slightly as I hear about these other women.

I feel scared that when he does get someone properly he'll completely drop me.

OP posts:
sladys · 25/04/2023 21:54

Could you tell him you've met someone then fade him out?

Original poster
QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:55

I could do that and he'd just be like okay no problem, that hurts even more.

OP posts:
sladys · 25/04/2023 22:02

QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:55

I could do that and he'd just be like okay no problem, that hurts even more.

Ah true. I was just thinking it would help you to cut contact without having to explain. But there doesn't seem to be an easy way.
Dating sucks Flowers

B1rd · 25/04/2023 22:09

I think you're trying to be nice. You're not looking after yourself and you're the priority, not him. I would send a message saying, that it's been lovely to catch up and that you wish him good luck with dating. But not it's not the right thing to do to be in contact. When he asks why, say that you've been split up a long time and you've moved on in life.
It is ok to block someone. I suspect that he's come back into your world for an ego boost, but you're far too special to be doing things like that.

PeterLemonJello · 25/04/2023 22:12

It's brought back all those feelings so it's only natural that you feel this way. I had a similar experience before covid. Just keep doing what you're doing. I assume when you parted it was his idea. How long were you together?

Banrockmystation · 25/04/2023 22:25

You don’t have to do anything. Just slow fade out. Don’t be available and give bland replies. He will get the message and stop bothering you and you need to be free from him!

Heroicallyfound · 25/04/2023 22:30

You’re letting yourself feel a tiny bit and then coming in with a cognitive judgement or rationalisation of your feelings which stops them flowing. Try to just sit with it all, see what comes up. Do you feel any anger at all?

Heroicallyfound · 25/04/2023 22:31

(Anger at him I mean)

Dery · 25/04/2023 23:57

“You're not looking after yourself and you're the priority, not him. I would send a message saying, that it's been lovely to catch up and that you wish him good luck with dating. But not it's not the right thing to do to be in contact. When he asks why, say that you've been split up a long time and you've moved on in life.
It is ok to block someone. I suspect that he's come back into your world for an ego boost, but you're far too special to be doing things like that.”

This with bells on. From my own experience, I would say it’s not really possible to be just friends with someone you feel romantic about - or rather, you can be just friends but it hurts and, as a PP said upthread, who wants friends who make you feel bad? It’s not in your interests to continue this friendship because being with him just reminds you how much you like him. That’s not helpful.

Summer2424 · 26/04/2023 01:52

Hi @QueenConsort i wasted so much of my time and feelings on a guy to the point i got to 40 years old and was still single.
Don't waste time on this guy x

sharpchrome · 26/04/2023 02:01

I think you need to be honest with yourself that you cannot just be friends with this man, because like you say you’re always wondering why you’re not enough and feeling jealous when he talks about dating others and moving on. That’s not what a friendship is, your unrequited feelings mean this will always crop up. It will be worse when he gets a girlfriend, then get worse when they go on holiday/live together and other milestones.

Having him in your life in some form, is of no benefit to you. You can’t really move on until he’s completely out of the picture imo. you can’t be friends with this man.

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