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Original poster

Am I Stupid? How to be friends

78 replies

QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:31

Long story, went out with a guy I was head over heels for 3 years ago. The connection was insane on my part, I absolutely loved him. He didn't feel the same way unfortunately so we split. We were no contact for about 2 years, I still thought about him all the time.

We are both single and have recently reconnected as saw me on a dating site. We are just friends as he obviously thinks

I'm over it and we discuss dating etc, we are both dating people.

I don't want to be so silly and after 3 years I should be over this, I've been on 2 dates this week so not like I'm not getting out there. It just bloomin kills me knowing he's looking for something else and talks to me about it.

I'm absolutely sure that he isn't interested in me romantically anymore, we got on well though and I'd like to he friends.

I just feel so jealous, I'd never tell him that though 😩 😫

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 14:18

Yes, but why? If there's a 'should' that you feel you ought to be doing, then there's an authority that judges you. Otherwise you wouldn't care. Who is the authority?

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 30/04/2023 14:19

Sorry Op, sometimes you just need to be realistic, you cannot pursue a friendship when you have strong feelings for him.

He is not hurting you, you are hurting yourself by keeping the communication going and pretending you are ok hearing about his dates.

Honestly, the only thing you need to do is to stop interacting with him completely.

Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 14:20

You are right Watchkeys.

Also, I do like him as a person and as silly as it sounds would miss his friendship too.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 14:24

QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 14:20

You are right Watchkeys.

Also, I do like him as a person and as silly as it sounds would miss his friendship too.

Stop calling your feelings silly! It's the ultimate in self-disrespect. You don't let you be you without an insult, how rude!

Unlevelhead · 30/04/2023 16:28

Oh @QueenConsort don't berate yourself over your feelings and how you think you should label them. They are your feelings and are absolutely and totally valid.

I can't give you any words of wisdom but I utterly empathise with you - I recently reconnected with an ex from much more than 2 years ago and we've had hours of phone calls, texts and have met up twice, the latter of which was 12 hours of dating perfection, genuinely one of the best days of my life (and I have 2 kids too!). For a whole host of reasons, taking it forward is impractical so reluctantly we've said to stay in touch as friends. I know he's also locally online dating including a 2nd date locally today meeting up with a woman for lunch and I am in bits this afternoon as he said he would let me know how it went afterwards and not a word yet. I feel more broken from this than watching my marriage fail over the last couple of years.

Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 20:51

Thanks Unlevel, maybe I'm not crazy then. When I split with my kid's dad it wasn't this painful. Logically it seems so silly but I love this man, always have. Need to get a grip somehow I've not seem him for years. God I sound pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 20:54

Sorry for you too, it's so hard isn't it.

OP posts:
Catoo · 30/04/2023 21:13

Sorry OP.
You managed for 2 years without this ‘friend’. You can do it again. Just block, stop replying, no explanation required (incidentally this might be a challenge for him and he might chase you, which you should also ignore).

100% Do Not tell him how you feel. He knows how you felt about him when you split. If he had changed his mind about his feelings he would have been in touch.

I think it’s thoughtless of him to tell you about how much he likes the women he’s is dating. However, he’s still OLD, so maybe these dates aren’t going that well.

I really hope you meet someone who appreciates you in the near future and that you move on from this fool.
Xx

Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 21:42

Hey Cat I did you are very right, I cried for months but then moved on and was fine. I'm no where near as bad as I was at all, I don't understand why he isn't interested really but that's by the by, maybe he doesn't feel it. I seriously wish I didn't 😦

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 21:43

That's right though I managed 2 years! I still thought about him but 2 years I managed.

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 21:46

And thank you for your kind words xxx

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 21:48

Why are you in touch unlevel? Same as me just can't let them go? Hurts to hell hearing about these dates.

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 21:50

He came whinging that the last lady had rejected him, he didn't know why. I'm thinking I would have done anything for you, to be fair he's no idea I'm still so hung up.

OP posts:
PeterLemonJello · 30/04/2023 22:23

I assume you are keeping in touch for now @QueenConsort ?

Watchkeys · 01/05/2023 07:25

Do you really think it's worth your time and effort to depend so much energy on one man, who is unwittingly hurting you so much, and who you can't even talk to about how you feel? He's just some bloke. Why are you making him part of your life? You could be spending the time doing something good for you.

Unlevelhead · 02/05/2023 08:24

QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 20:51

Thanks Unlevel, maybe I'm not crazy then. When I split with my kid's dad it wasn't this painful. Logically it seems so silly but I love this man, always have. Need to get a grip somehow I've not seem him for years. God I sound pathetic.

@QueenConsort apologies for not replying sooner! You're no more or less crazy than me and no you are NOT pathetic. I don't know why we hold on when we should let go.

You asked why am I still in touch - it's like purgatory but now he's back in my life, I don't want to let him back out. He's said as much.

The 2nd date he had on Sunday went really well apparently, he was out for coffee, lunch then wine til closing time and he's chosen to cancel another date he had lined up this week to follow up with the lady from Sunday for a 3rd date. I have not cried so much in years as this weekend, caught me now just emptying the dishwasher!!! The reality is, he's in a better space than me for dating as I am still thick in the ruins of my marriage but that still doesn't give me the strength to cut loose from the re-appeared ex, perhaps he's just a distraction from dealing with stuff for both you and me?

Look after yourself!

Original poster
QueenConsort · 02/05/2023 09:34

unlevel not the sale bloke is it! This one has also had a great second date and has come off the apps.

I don't know why we can't just let it go and let them come and go as they please, I know it's not right but at least admitting it helps.

Thanks for your kind words....what do you say when he tells you? Do you think he has no idea how you feel?

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blahblahblah1654 · 02/05/2023 09:37

I don't think it's worth pursuing a friendship with him when you have feelings for him. You'll just hurt yourself even further.

Original poster
QueenConsort · 02/05/2023 20:30

I've told mine Good luck with his new lady, he seems happy. I absolutely love that man but if he's going to pursue other women and meet them not me I need to cut ties 😪 can't stop crying but I'll be okay tomorrow.

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Original poster
QueenConsort · 02/05/2023 20:39

Hardest thing but probably the right thing. He's not arsed about me I know that or it would be me he wanted to see wouldn't it

I'm heartbroken all over again but I know I need to get rid of him now he's with someone else.

OP posts:
blahblahblah1654 · 02/05/2023 21:18

It hurts now but you'll feel much better cutting him loose in the long run. He's not looking for a relationship with you, which is what you want.

Original poster
QueenConsort · 02/05/2023 21:58

Yes it is what i want and he's now net a new lady he likes so I've wished him good luck and will quietly disappear x

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Unlevelhead · 03/05/2023 17:50

Ha, mine has messaged in among the other 100 odd messages back and forth today that he's thinking of ditching 2nd date woman and to pursue the impractical option instead ie me. Don't believe for one minute he will as me means incredibly sporadic meet ups between 2 cities fitted in around 2 lots of custody arrangements.

PeterLemonJello · 12/05/2023 13:16

How are you today? @QueenConsort

Original poster
QueenConsort · 12/05/2023 14:55

I did what I said and told him it's best we aren't friends anymore. I also said it's not nice for his new girlfriend so let's leave it here and good luck. He just said 'ok'. Obviously not bothered anyway but even so it's better for me like this I think.

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