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Original poster

Am I Stupid? How to be friends

78 replies

QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:31

Long story, went out with a guy I was head over heels for 3 years ago. The connection was insane on my part, I absolutely loved him. He didn't feel the same way unfortunately so we split. We were no contact for about 2 years, I still thought about him all the time.

We are both single and have recently reconnected as saw me on a dating site. We are just friends as he obviously thinks

I'm over it and we discuss dating etc, we are both dating people.

I don't want to be so silly and after 3 years I should be over this, I've been on 2 dates this week so not like I'm not getting out there. It just bloomin kills me knowing he's looking for something else and talks to me about it.

I'm absolutely sure that he isn't interested in me romantically anymore, we got on well though and I'd like to he friends.

I just feel so jealous, I'd never tell him that though 😩 😫

OP posts:
sharpchrome · 26/04/2023 02:19

Also it’s weird that you reunited on a dating site with your ex…but spend time discussing who you’re individually dating.

He shouldn’t have messaged you or swiped or whatever if he’s not into you in that way. I don’t buy that he’s trying to be a friend and this was a coincidence… presumably he could have reached out before if he was genuinely wondering how you’re getting on and missing your friendship. I don’t buy that. You likely have a number/social media he could have used in the last 2 years.

He’s probably trying to set up a casual relationship whilst he searches for the one. That’s not the same thing as wanting to be in a relationship/in love with you.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 26/04/2023 03:43

Fade him out, faster rather than slower.

There is nothing that requires you to be friends with someone just because THEY want to be friends with you. Friendship is a 2 way street.

Crampo · 26/04/2023 04:00

This joker knows exactly how you feel about him, and he's deliberately messing with your head.

Just cut him loose. He's not your friend.

Toiletfriend · 26/04/2023 06:19

You can't be friends because you're romantically interested in him and if you're honest with yourself, you want a friendship because you hope he'll change his mind. I've been there OP a few times. No contact is the only way.

gerbilcrocus · 26/04/2023 06:31

You can't be friends with him....

I once tried that. It brought me nothing but heartache. You need to go NC again... You don't have to be brutal or unkind about how you do it, just resolute and completely clear minded.

CannotSleep · 26/04/2023 07:16

QueenConsort · 25/04/2023 21:44

Oh yes I couldn't tell him. I don't want to completely cut contact he's done nothing wrong, do I just fade it out?

He doesn't have to have done anything wrong. Not wanting to see him or being able to be friends with someone isn't a punishment. You're not obliged to he friends with someone because they want it.

It sounds to me as though, for you, it would just be a way of keeping him in your life and not a friendship.

Your posts suggest that you're trying to be magnanimous and 'do the right thing' but you don't need to be magnanimous and doing the right thing also applies to treating yourself well.

I wouldn't be friends with someone of the friendship made me feel bad. For any reason.

Xarrie · 26/04/2023 11:26

Meh, I'd say I can't be friend as I fancy you too much. Then go quiet.

Depending on his reply I'd either block him or go and get a wax Wink

Teapotmonkey · 26/04/2023 12:20

If you're seeing him in the friends zone in the hope it'll turn into more, it won't and you're also not being honest with him. Lay your cards on the table and believe his answer whatever it is. I'm sure it's very flattering for his ego to be stringing you along and you deserve better. If it's a no from him (with or without excuses to make you not dislike him) I think your only option is to walk away and find someone who loves you as much as you love them xx

Original poster
QueenConsort · 29/04/2023 20:47

This is too painful 💔 I've tried to be mature, tried to even want the best for him as I do care about him but it's making me cry hearing about how keen he is on his other dates.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 29/04/2023 20:52

You don't want to be just friends though, do you?
I'd say it's too painful to have him in your life as not a romantic partner, and it makes you look like you are happy accepting whatever crumbs he throws your way.
Have some pride and leave him to it.

PeterLemonJello · 29/04/2023 20:57

What do you want and what can you do about it? If I felt like that about someone it would be very difficult to be just friends. I want to know either way so then I could move on.

Original poster
QueenConsort · 29/04/2023 21:01

I know its a no though and he has been homest. Stupidly I just get upset about it sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenConsort · 29/04/2023 21:03

I know he wants nothing more and I respect he's said that. It's just difficult

OP posts:
PeterLemonJello · 29/04/2023 21:11

If you know it's a no then I guess there is nothing more you can do or say. How long were you together when you dated?

Original poster
QueenConsort · 29/04/2023 21:13

Not that long really, good few months.

OP posts:
PeterLemonJello · 29/04/2023 21:23

It's not stupid to get upset though so you mustn't think that. If he was a nice guy just remember the time you had with him fondly. I was in a similar situation a few years ago and although I was sad it ended I was just grateful to have had that time.

Seaoftroubles · 29/04/2023 21:26

O P please stop trying to be friends with this man. You still have feelings and every conversation will be painful, especially when he mentions other women that he is seeing. Best to end it now as in prolonging contact you are only punishing yourself, and also it will prevent you from moving on and finding someone who truly does want to be in a relationship with you.

Hawkins003 · 29/04/2023 21:28

Tis the pickle at times

Hawkins003 · 29/04/2023 21:29

I tried the friendship aspect but instead went no contact. It makes it easier after a while but last I knew there current marriage is pretty much on the rocks and at least one of them is having an affair, so in many ways I'm glad I'm not mixed in with them

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 29/04/2023 22:57

He's not a friend in any way.

Contact with him makes you feel sad and hurt.

Nothing about that is friendship.
Put yourself and your feelings first and delete and block him.

ChristmasFluff · 30/04/2023 08:49

Just block him. You don't need to explain, and he will probably guess why.

People don't have to do anything wrong to be blocked. It's to protect yourself.

Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 11:22

So much invalidation of your own feelings, OP. You fell in love with someone and it's still hard a couple of years later, especially to hear him talking about new dating experiences.

That's absolutely bog standard, normal, ordinary human emotions.

And yet, you're calling your feelings silly, calling yourself stupid, getting angry with yourself, asking what's wrong with you, and the friendship you have with him makes you feel confused, jealous and scared. You're doing yourself no favours: you're being horrible to yourself for the responses you have, and repeatedly putting yourself into the very situation that causes those responses. Like putting your hand in the fire, and then calling yourself silly/stupid/getting angry with them yourself for screaming.

There is absolutely no requirement or necessity for you to keep putting your hand in this fire. Just stop. You have feelings for this man that are too strong for you to ignore, so you can't be friends. It's common, it's normal, and there's nothing unusual, wrong, silly, stupid or confusing about it. It's very simple: leave him behind.

Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 13:56

Thanks Watchkeys, that makes sense.

I guess I'm trying to justify my own feelings by telling myself I'm silly or I should be over it by now as it was years ago!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 30/04/2023 14:08

Why do you need to justify your feelings? And who to?

Original poster
QueenConsort · 30/04/2023 14:15

I don't know. I guess myself as I feel I should be over it by now.

OP posts: