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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when people have the wrong impression of you?

75 replies

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 07:28

Is there any point trying to prove them wrong? Are they projecting there own insecurities and beliefs on you?

OP posts:
Frith2013 · 25/04/2023 16:58

Isn't this a rejig of a post from about 5 days ago?

WitcheryDivine · 25/04/2023 17:06

It takes a certain amount of (fake) confidence to do this but if FIL keeps coming out with the same old shit I sometimes find the only way to make people stop is to hard agree with them in a jokey way that makes them sound silly.

"Ah yes that's what X used to be like before OP seduced him"
"That's right, he tried to escape my clutches but I bewitched him with my magical womanly wiles." (I'd probably say "magical vagina" but I realise that's not exactly realistic for many).

I've also had some luck with "ooh let me get my bingo card out, I thought you'd say that - you usually do when I'm here."

But the first way is less aggro and more funny.

neilyoungismyhero · 25/04/2023 17:07

Maybe you should just sit down and ask them in view of their unfunny remarks if they have a problem with you. Ask them what you (all) can do collectively to move forward more amicably in view of the new grandchild.
You have a lot of crappy years ahead if you don't try and sort it now.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 07:25

He passed me his phone last night to write a msg whilst he was driving and I briefly saw some messages from him mum. They talk about “why don’t you get “Jane” to clean it up after all it’s a womens job”. “Don’t do that get “Jane” to mop it up”.
Ive said numerous tImes in front of them it’s the 21st century now….they don’t like I’m a stronger women. They aren’t even very old to have that attitude!

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/04/2023 07:33

What was is response to those messages? I hope he's not shit stirring. I would step right back OP, dont bother visiting. You can never win over people like this so stop wasting your energy.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 07:34

He didn’t respond to them and changed the subject.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 27/04/2023 07:39

I think you should ask him about it - seriously, its not your fault they're pair of twats, but he should come to your defence when they act like this

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/04/2023 07:41

Mmm, I dont like that OP. Is he trying to do a put upon act to his parents? Why would she even be saying things like that? Is he trying to get sympathy from them? Anyway, regardless he knows how they are with you even if they say things behind his back. Just stop bothering with then. You won't change their mind especially if he's stirring the pot. The consequence of that is, you just don't bother with them anymore. Tell him why you aren't visiting anymore then say nothing else. Do it for your own mental health.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 07:43

Yeah. Well they know my view as I remember a joke in their presence about him not putting his washing in a bin despite having 3 in the house. I said if it’s not in a bin I’m not hunting for it and it won’t get washed. I was expecting them to back me up but they said oh come on “Jane” that’s your job. I said it’s not my job at all. I can see now that we don’t have the same view. If I ask him he will do it, he’s so used to living alone but he respects what I say.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 07:45

@pillsthrillsandbellyache no he wasn’t stirring anything. He just mentioned the garage leaked as we are trying to repair it so they said it’s a women’s job to mop it up.

OP posts:
pillsthrillsandbellyache · 27/04/2023 07:47

If that's their attitude then you will never win. Stop bothering with people who will look for reasons to dislike you. Doesn't matter how nice you are. Get yourself out and about to baby groups etc. Even if you don't make friends its nice to just be put and about meeting people.

AbsoIutelyLovely · 27/04/2023 07:50

OP I was in the same position, but xx wot I was constantly dancing around trying to please them. I gave up in the end.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 07:57

Yes I will stop. I can see I’ve changed what I do based on things they have said. I don’t let him do any night feeds as he has to work (baby is formula fed). I think he should help but they have said in the past that’s my responsibility. I currently get 3 hours sleep a night and I send him downstairs to get sleep every night. I’m exhausted. I’ve mentioned it to them to help me out but they don’t.

OP posts:
Gruf · 27/04/2023 08:01

Firstly talk to your DH about this. Tell him you’re sick of the digs. Then give them space. See them less. Only respond to positive comments, totally blank rude comments. Be deadpan, unresponsive, leave the comment hanging. You are expecting something of them that they cannot deliver. You will always be disappointed. They have their little golden child on a pedestal and nobody will be good enough.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 08:11

Ive a tendency to people please. An unhealthy behaviour I’ve learned from my childhood and then took into my abusive relationship. I am learning that this only hurts myself. I will carry on being myself and what will be will be.

OP posts:
Arucana · 27/04/2023 08:14

PaintedEgg · 25/04/2023 08:25

keep in mind they may have a pretty realistic impression of you and of your relationship - that their golden child likes you more than them and you're more important in his day to day life than they are - and that is why they don't like you.

it's not your fault, you've done nothing wrong and there is no way to force people to like you if they don't. Especially if it's for reasons like these.

What does your husband thinks about it?

Show quote history

Took me nearly 20 years to realise this was the issue for my in-laws. Only my DH isn’t close to his and can’t bear to be left alone with them because they have different “behind closed doors” behaviour which he can avoid if someone else is there!

Arucana · 27/04/2023 08:17

Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 08:11

Ive a tendency to people please. An unhealthy behaviour I’ve learned from my childhood and then took into my abusive relationship. I am learning that this only hurts myself. I will carry on being myself and what will be will be.

Oh yes! That was me too. Look up medium chill /grey rock. That’s the way to behave with people who feel as they make you feel when you can’t realistically cut them off your life. I’ve just had some EDMR through NHS counselling service. Wow it’s been impactful. I’m much better at protecting my boundaries and advocating for myself since. My DH has found a bit of a shock. He’s a lovely DH though so he’s just asked for some time to catch up.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 08:20

I had this idea in my head we would be a happy family, one I never had growing up. But that’s a dream that’s passed now for me in terms of parents. My children will never feel this pain.

OP posts:
fourelementary · 27/04/2023 08:27

If baby is formula fed, get him to do the last feed eg 10pm one- so you can go to bed at say 8pm and sleep til midnight if baby goes 2 hour between feeds… that way if you then get your 3 hours on top that’s a huge difference.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 08:40

@fourelementary her last bottle is midnight. I feel bad as he up at 5:30 for work.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 27/04/2023 09:35

Vdubmug · 27/04/2023 07:57

Yes I will stop. I can see I’ve changed what I do based on things they have said. I don’t let him do any night feeds as he has to work (baby is formula fed). I think he should help but they have said in the past that’s my responsibility. I currently get 3 hours sleep a night and I send him downstairs to get sleep every night. I’m exhausted. I’ve mentioned it to them to help me out but they don’t.

Your DP doesn't help so you think your in laws should? I've read both your threads and it seems all of your issues are with your DP. But you don't want to address these issues so you blame your in laws.

Respectfully, you're not in a relationship with them, and they haven't chosen to become a parent with you. That's all your DP.

Are you frightened to challenge him?

Original poster
Vdubmug · 28/04/2023 12:58

I was just thinking about how my mum who has narcissistic tendencies talks above my brothers wife behind her back. She thinks that she makes the rules and tells my brother what to do when in actual fact he has a mind of his own and she is strong and loving and supportive. Probably the same with my in laws. Not realising they are separate beings with their own ideas. They aren’t so controllable with wives.

OP posts:
GuevarasBeret · 28/04/2023 13:05

Why would the good opinion of these people be important to you?

I know you know it but by living in fantasy land that they are fixable you are just hurting yourself.

Can you try to observe them as if they are sharks in a zoo and you are a scientist-behind a protective wall of glass?
you wouldn’t try to reason with a shark to get it to like you.
Isn’t that what the tale of the gingerbread man is about.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 28/04/2023 13:19

@GuevarasBeret I don’t think they are fixable. I don’t need to feel hurt because the problems there’s. Just trying to understand that’s all.

OP posts:
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