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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when people have the wrong impression of you?

75 replies

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 07:28

Is there any point trying to prove them wrong? Are they projecting there own insecurities and beliefs on you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 09:17

@Beginningless I don’t think I am tough enough to approach them like that. Especially if I’ve got it wrong and it’s just the case they don’t like me. The comments they say are not true but they could well just not think I’m good for him. It isn’t their choice though and he could leave if he wanted to.

OP posts:
gannett · 25/04/2023 09:21

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 07:48

@Doingmybest12 its my husband’s parents. They just seem to have an impression of me that isn’t true. He was a golden child and they think I’ve taken him away when I haven’t at all. I’ve always longed for a close family as my parents were very cold. I’d love us to be close but it’s just not happening. They make constant snide remarks.

Why would you want to be close to these people? They're not the idealised "close family" of your imagination. They're snide and dislikeable, and you're best off not being close to them.

Pull back, find a nicer support network elsewhere and keep them at arm's length. It doesn't matter if they don't like you.

RudsyFarmer · 25/04/2023 09:22

Some things you just can’t fix. I just keep in keeping on and when enough time passes usually the person’s mind gets changed.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 09:24

@gannett I know. I had a terrible up bringing and both parents are no longer here. I have this dream in my head but it’s not realistic in this instance and trying is only hurting me further adding to my rejection from my own parents. It feels rubbish. I love their son though, there is nothing malice from my side.

OP posts:
gannett · 25/04/2023 09:31

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 09:24

@gannett I know. I had a terrible up bringing and both parents are no longer here. I have this dream in my head but it’s not realistic in this instance and trying is only hurting me further adding to my rejection from my own parents. It feels rubbish. I love their son though, there is nothing malice from my side.

I'm also NC with my parents. Would a substitute family have been nice? Sure. I've never experienced that kind of close family network. But DP's LC with his parents and while he's close to his sister (who's perfectly nice), she and I are just very different people.

But it doesn't matter to me - I've found a "chosen family" of lifelong friends and I wouldn't exchange their love and support for anything.

ferneytorro · 25/04/2023 09:33

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 08:42

@Dithyramb I’m pretty sure you are right. But they make comments about untrue comments and jokes like I trapped him, I’ve seduced him, I should do something this way or that way. I stop him going over every day after work. I don’t we have a small baby and he is needed at home. Everyday is not possible anymore.

But that’s not a reflection of you that’s all them, only way you can make them like you is to not exist in the way you do ie as his partner. And then the next Woman will get the same treatment. Suggest you put the effort into not being bothered by it rather than changing.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 09:34

That’s nice @gannett I wish I had close friends. I don’t really have friends. My previous relationship was abusive and I lost pretty much everyone over those 15 years.

OP posts:
SmileyClare · 25/04/2023 09:38

You haven’t given your PILs the wrong impression, you’ve just been yourself so there’s a limit in what you can do.

Your dh can speak to his parents on your behalf- ask that they respect you as his wife and his priority now, and ask them to retrain from negative comments?

Constant digs can be hurtful but some of their comments may be in jest?

Next time they (jokingly) moan about hardly seeing their son because you’ve “stolen “ him, pluck up the courage to say You feel really hurt by their comments because you really wanted to feel accepted by them. You hoped to gain a new set of parents by joining the family.

Be realistic though, in laws rarely treat a daughter in law as they would their own child.
Give it time, often actions speak far louder than words x

Echobelly · 25/04/2023 09:40

Generally one just has to get over it and rise above the opinions of judgemental people.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 09:44

I can’t help but think it’s another set of parents who don’t like me. It must be me or I’m just projecting my hurt onto this and reading into it too much.

OP posts:
Echobelly · 25/04/2023 09:47

I've kind of been there. I didn't know they were my future in-laws at the time, but they took against me on our first meeting and I was so consumed by feeling bad about it and wanting to prove, to future MIL in particular, that I was a sensible person from a good background etc. In our case it was less he was the golden boy but more MIL has insecurities that he's not good enough and I wasn't the person to 'make him' good enough. She was still trying to matchmake him with a public-school educated woman with a job in the City in the early days of our relationship!

As it was I realised that she never fully likes or dislikes anyone - she gets snippy even with her best friends and I have accepted she blows hot and cold, although generally after we got engaged she did get much more accepting and has told DH that he made the right choice with me. But there are bad days when she disapproves of everything but I just ignore it now. I am not naturally a thick-skinned person but I've learned to live with it. I'm not perfect, but her problems with me are largely her problems, not mine. And it's likely the same with your ILs.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 09:55

I find people and relationships so complicated.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 25/04/2023 09:56

OP - didn’t you post about the same thing last week - you are older than your H, baby, in laws think you seduced him, 15years prior abusive relationship. Etc
You already got a lot of the same advice.

No point in trying to force them to like you.
Focus on your own family,

MorrisZapp · 25/04/2023 10:11

Yip this is a duplicate thread. Sorry op but there isn't a magic formula that bypasses your DP and makes your in laws be kind to you.

Either shrug them off or decide not to see them, or engage your DP in getting it sorted out. There don't seem to be any other options.

Is it possible you have post natal depression? I had it and it made me focus obsessively on things that looked minor to the outside world.

Mumrunningsupporter · 25/04/2023 11:02

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 09:55

I find people and relationships so complicated.

That's because they are complicated for most people a lot of the time.

A person's attitudes and behaviours are influenced by what they have experienced in the past. Their attitude to you may well be influenced by something or someone totally unrelated to you.

As to projecting, well, we all project, so you're probably right there.

As to trying to change their opinion of you, well, that won't work firstly, because you don't actually know their opinion of you. Secondly, by trying to get someone to like you, you'll come across as inauthentic and that might cause further problems (they might call you 'fake' for instance).

Just carry on being you. You sound very level-headed. Come to know that you cannot change what other people think of you, even if their opinion is totally unjustified.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 11:26

I know. I should probably have mentioned that I am recovering from complex ptsd. I find relationships extremely complicated but I’m learning. Deep down I understand that it is a reflection of themselves. It is the dad who always says the jokes about me seducing him and trapping him. I think he must have a very dim view of women in general. It triggers in me my sense of rejection which I’m grappling with with this ptsd. I love their son for who he is and how he makes me feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 11:30

His dad goes on and on about having a grandson as he now has 3 granddaughters. He knows that I’m a no due to my age. I don’t think they were too pleased about having a another granddaughter which explains why they booked a holiday over my csection date.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2023 11:31

Not giving a shit generally works for me

Beanfield2023 · 25/04/2023 11:32

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 09:44

I can’t help but think it’s another set of parents who don’t like me. It must be me or I’m just projecting my hurt onto this and reading into it too much.

Is your partner an only child ? They sound very controlling. They feel they have lost control. Don't let them take over your life . Sounds as if they have no life and are living it through their child

Fourteenhouses · 25/04/2023 11:34

dudsville · 25/04/2023 07:29

Unless you're in a court of law or under social services or some such let it go.

This.

unless you need to prove your character for legal reasons it’s better to just shut people out of your life who act this way

JaneJeffer · 25/04/2023 11:43

Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

5128gap · 25/04/2023 12:59

They haven't got the wrong impression of you at all. They're just unpleasant people who don't seem happy their son has a partner.
Your partner really needs to step in and sort this out. There is no way I'd allow my parents to make nasty snide jokes at my partners expense. Tell him how you feel and ask him to either deal with it or see them on his own.
I know you want a family OP, but honestly these people are not it. No family is better than a nasty one. Develop friendships instead.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 14:13

@5128gap you are right it only makes the pain I carry worse. I deserve to be respected. I think I need to get thicker skin and ignore them.

OP posts:
5128gap · 25/04/2023 14:31

You do deserve to be respected. Unfortunately there are people who don't treat us as we deserve. This is not a sign of anything wrong with us, it's all about them. You have been very unlucky. I hope your partner is a better person than his family and supports you in this. What does he say about it?

monsteramunch · 25/04/2023 16:36

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 11:26

I know. I should probably have mentioned that I am recovering from complex ptsd. I find relationships extremely complicated but I’m learning. Deep down I understand that it is a reflection of themselves. It is the dad who always says the jokes about me seducing him and trapping him. I think he must have a very dim view of women in general. It triggers in me my sense of rejection which I’m grappling with with this ptsd. I love their son for who he is and how he makes me feel.

"It makes me quite uncomfortable that you keep essentially joking about our sex life and implying that I forced your son to have a child with me. Can you stop doing it please so we don't fall out? Thanks."

Think I would say something like that.

His dad sounds like a dick. I hope your partner isn't trying to placate both 'sides' and indulging their view of you when you aren't there. I hope he instead has your back and tells them to stop saying those sorts of things.

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