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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do when people have the wrong impression of you?

75 replies

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 07:28

Is there any point trying to prove them wrong? Are they projecting there own insecurities and beliefs on you?

OP posts:
dudsville · 25/04/2023 07:29

Unless you're in a court of law or under social services or some such let it go.

neverendinglauaundry · 25/04/2023 07:31

No-one can have a perfectly correct impression of you. I'd just ignore, or given its me, not notice 😂

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 07:32

Sorry should have mentioned family member etc not court.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 25/04/2023 07:35

Depends on the context surely and whether their opinion actually matters? If they think, for example, you are 'a rich snob' because you appear to have paid off your mortgage by being frugal for years compared to their spendthrift ways then whatever you try and say isn't really going to make any impact.

The best advice is not worry about other people's opinions.

MultipleVeganPies · 25/04/2023 07:35

I don’t think you can change this. It is very hard to make someone like you if they have taken against you…

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 07:41

@Ragwort its my husbands parents. They just don’t seem to warm to me. I have tried but nothing really works. They seem to have an impression of me that is not true. I’d like to just ignore it but he is close to them, he was a golden child. I don’t think we will ever be a close family.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 25/04/2023 07:42

Is this that you are dishonest mean or cruel and your not . That you aren't a very bright and your are. I think the context is important as somethings you might want to be aware and change your behaviour accordingly to protect yourself , other things you can just shrug off .

frozendaisy · 25/04/2023 07:43

If it's a family member, over time they will get to know the real you, then you can laugh about how they thought you were once the dust has settled.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 07:48

@Doingmybest12 its my husband’s parents. They just seem to have an impression of me that isn’t true. He was a golden child and they think I’ve taken him away when I haven’t at all. I’ve always longed for a close family as my parents were very cold. I’d love us to be close but it’s just not happening. They make constant snide remarks.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 25/04/2023 07:52

Some parents feel that 'no one' is good enough for their golden child and they just can't cope with the fact he now has someone 'more important' in his life.
But equally not everyone likes everyone, surely you meet people that you just don't 'click' with? So long as you are polite to each other does it really matter? I never want to be 'best friends' with my ILs .. we are respectful, polite but I don't need to spend hours with them and nor does my DH with my side of the family. Far better to have respectful boundaries and spend time socialising alone with your own ILs than some great big extended family ... in my opinion anyway.
Don't try and change to 'fit in' ... I've seen that happen in my wider family and it looks needy and the 'difficult' person ends up with all the power.

Ragwort · 25/04/2023 07:53

I mean socialising alone without your ILs.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 08:23

@Ragwort my parents are no longer here and he is close with his.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 25/04/2023 08:25

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 07:48

@Doingmybest12 its my husband’s parents. They just seem to have an impression of me that isn’t true. He was a golden child and they think I’ve taken him away when I haven’t at all. I’ve always longed for a close family as my parents were very cold. I’d love us to be close but it’s just not happening. They make constant snide remarks.

keep in mind they may have a pretty realistic impression of you and of your relationship - that their golden child likes you more than them and you're more important in his day to day life than they are - and that is why they don't like you.

it's not your fault, you've done nothing wrong and there is no way to force people to like you if they don't. Especially if it's for reasons like these.

What does your husband thinks about it?

Dithyramb · 25/04/2023 08:34

Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 07:48

@Doingmybest12 its my husband’s parents. They just seem to have an impression of me that isn’t true. He was a golden child and they think I’ve taken him away when I haven’t at all. I’ve always longed for a close family as my parents were very cold. I’d love us to be close but it’s just not happening. They make constant snide remarks.

But why do you think this is due to a ‘mistaken impression’ of you? Maybe they know what you’re like and just don’t much care for you, or would have preferred their golden boy to marry someone different? I know my ILs would have preferred DH (also their golden youngest) to have married someone more like them — clannish, family-centred, a SAHM to a big family who wanted to go to bingo and Weightwatchers with my SILs, loved football etc etc. (Instead, they got a bookish academic who had one late baby and regards sport with baffled horror.) We rub along ok. I don’t need them to regard me as a daughter.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 08:38

@PaintedEgg he is pretty much oblivious really. I go out of my way to make an effort so thinks everything is ok.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 25/04/2023 08:40

Ignore it. It's him you're in a relationship with, not them. If they're unpleasant or rude to you then tell him you won't be going with him on visits.

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 08:42

@Dithyramb I’m pretty sure you are right. But they make comments about untrue comments and jokes like I trapped him, I’ve seduced him, I should do something this way or that way. I stop him going over every day after work. I don’t we have a small baby and he is needed at home. Everyday is not possible anymore.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 25/04/2023 08:52

He's got a new baby and his parents have said you seduced and trapped him, yet he's oblivious? Do they say these things when he's not present? Why is he accepting this?

Your immediate problem is him. He needs to step up. He shouldn't really be visiting them at all if you have a new baby, unless they are ill or he is their carer or something.

Dithyramb · 25/04/2023 09:00

MorrisZapp · 25/04/2023 08:52

He's got a new baby and his parents have said you seduced and trapped him, yet he's oblivious? Do they say these things when he's not present? Why is he accepting this?

Your immediate problem is him. He needs to step up. He shouldn't really be visiting them at all if you have a new baby, unless they are ill or he is their carer or something.

Agreed! This isn’t your ‘mistaken impression’ to correct, this is your DH owning his own decision to marry you and prioritise looking after his child rather than daily visits to his parents.

Behindtheback · 25/04/2023 09:04

In law is a strange relationship anyway; you’re forced into a close intimacy with virtual strangers.

I think it’s best to take a very long view. Think of it as allowing all their suspicions to melt away over time while you stay constant and calm.

And yeah, it’s easier said than done. We have a rule that we just don’t fight or row with our in laws. If there’s an issue we talk it out with each other and then if necessary dh steps in or I deal with my side. It actually rarely comes to that because sometimes all you really need is a good vent and to be heard. And because we have agreed this, you can listen empathetically instead of feeling you have to jump in and defend your family.

I’m nearly 15 years in and it’s still not a natural or warm relationship. We just all do our best to rub along. They’ve seen that dh is happy and content. I think it still puzzles them 😂

Original poster
Vdubmug · 25/04/2023 09:07

They do it behind his back mostly and it’s often disguised as a joke but it’s really not a joke.

OP posts:
Jackienory · 25/04/2023 09:07

I couldn’t give a monkeys what ppl think - think what you like. And I’ll do the same.

MorrisZapp · 25/04/2023 09:08

Tell him what they said, then stop visiting. If he puts them ahead of your new baby then you've married a selfish twat, sorry.

WandaWonder · 25/04/2023 09:10

Please stop drip feeding, just explain in normal words

Beginningless · 25/04/2023 09:14

Have you tried addressing the comments? Like saying ‘can we chat about these comments that I’ve trapped or seduced DH? Is this meant to be funny? As they hurt my feelings when said. Do you expect me to stay home alone with our baby while he visits you? I’d like us to be close but in honesty I feel that you don’t want to’ etc. That may feel a bit vulnerable so I understand if it’s too much, but it sounds like this will fester and can it really get any worse? I’m sorry it’s so hard, this sounds really distressing.