People pleasing and resentment

[PPSWife]

Hi,

My DH has recently come to the realisation that he’s a people pleaser and he doesn’t want to be this way any more. He thinks it’s a learned behaviour from his father who was the same way with his mother and also a product of coming from a family that is very conflict averse. He’s slowly started to be more honest about what he thinks and feels and I’m really proud of him for making this change. I had always sensed and told him that I didn’t feel like I always really knew who he was. He never understood that until he came to the realisation himself that he is a people pleaser and he wasn’t being authentic.

He has however started to question whether he wants to carry on with our relationship. I think there is a lot of resentment towards me because I am ashamed to say I took advantage of his agreeable nature, particularly in the early years of our relationship when I had my own insecurities and I wasn’t very mature in how I handled them. At the same time he wasn’t able to set boundaries around my behaviour and wasn’t able to express healthy anger because he was scared of how I would respond. I think we both accept that we are both to blame here.

My feeling is that this is a resolvable issue and I want us to work on it through marriage counselling. He seems less sure. He has said he wants to separate for now and then he will think about whether to pursue counselling. I think he feels like he doesn’t know who he is any more and needs time to figure it out. He has also discussed divorce, children, finances etc so I think that’s a real possibility for him, even though right now he’s just asking to separate.

I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar. I do think he will come out much happier eventually as an authentic person but I don’t know if it possible to overcome resentment and save our relationship?

I think that unfortunately at the start of your relationship, your behaviour was driven by getting what you want, and his behaviour wasn't. The outcome is that you both see the relationship very differently now. You want to keep the marriage because it is still what you want and as a result I think you are having trouble hearing him.
You could apologise for your past behaviour but remember, a genuine apology includes a commitment to not repeat the behaviour.

@Thelnebriati
Yes I think you’re right that we see the relationship differently and I’m obviously more willing to invest in trying to fix things.

I have recognised where I was wrong, apologised and I’m seeking therapy for my issues. I used to have trouble regulating my emotions when I was feeling insecure. It’s happened less and less as the years passed by and the last time I had an episode was in 2019. I can’t undo the past and I don’t know if resentment is something that a person can let go off with appropriate help.

I think that all you can do atm is to state that you are willing to make it work, and leave that as an open option for him.

I think that, previously, neither you nor him have respected his wants and needs. Now he's recognised this, he is respecting them. You need to do the same. He wants to separate.

You can't say 'I am so proud of him for finally being able to be open about his needs' and then 'He wants to separate, but I think he's wrong so I won't do it.'

@Watchkeys I don’t think I’m not respecting his decision. He’s free to leave and I haven’t stopped him. But clearly in my own mind I don’t want the marriage to end and I’m entitled to feel that.

I’m just trying to figure out how I should feel and whether I should hold on to any hope because he has agreed to think about counselling or whether I should see this as the end of the road.

It's not up to you, and I think you need to accept that we don't always know in advance. You might have to get comfortable with not knowing, or make the decision to end it yourself. I think those are your only options. It would be really reassuring to be able to see into the future, for all of us, but we can't.
You want to stay together. Make sure he knows that. And that's it. That's all you can do.

This sounds a bit like my husband. It turned out he ticked all the boxes for covert narcissism. Not saying yours is but low self esteem is at the heart of it, not being at all authentic, being a people pleaser, highly conflict averse, always wanting to look good, never feeling they're to blame for anything, no boundaries, little empathy, no remorse (only feeling sorry for themselves), always feeling like a victim and like they're misunderstood - while also thinking they're the most amazing person ever and constantly needing praise and to hear how great they are. Huge (hidden) ego, zero self esteem. Lies and (subtle) manipulation, passive aggressive, bitter and resentful.

Just putting it out there.

I think all you can do is separate and make sure he takes full responsibility for the children 50% of the time. I find that lots of fathers who leave to find themselves often forget that they can’t walk away from their kids.

he needs to find his authentic self AND parent his kids.

@Watchkeys Yes you’re right. I need to learn how to deal with the uncertainty

@Choconut I have thought it before and there are definitely some narcissistic traits but I don’t think he’s a full blown narcissist

@FL0 Yes he’s insisted since the beginning that kids would be 50/50. He said he doesn’t need to be away from them. He needs to be away from me and our house as well.

This all sounds hard for both of you. Are you able to elaborate on how you have taken advantage of his needing to please? Sounds like this was all a long time ago.

@Redcliffe1 I had a lot of insecurities about the relationship (due to certain behaviours of his) and would become extremely emotionally unregulated and angry. This happened less and less over the years and the last episode was in 2019. He tolerated my behaviour because he wasn’t able to define boundaries and because he felt it was his punishment for what he had done to me. We both agree that there was always going to be some fallout from what he did, but it probably went on for much longer then it should have. If I had taken the initiative to seek therapy or if he had put his foot down, it probably wouldn’t have gone on for as long as it did.

I had a lot of insecurities about the relationship (due to certain behaviours of his

Um... what's this? He did things that upset you, and the end result was that your behaviour was not acceptable? That's the classic abuse pattern. You piss me off until I blow my top, and then you say I'm an out of control lunatic. I can't deny it, I feel like I have no idea why I behaved that way, and the end result is that you pissing me off goes out of the picture: it's all about what a loony I am.

@Watchkeys It’s not like that. We both accept that the reason I behaved the way I did was because of his behaviour and we both recognise that there was always going to be some fallout from that. The issue is that I think it went on too long, because I didn’t think about the impact it was having on him and he tolerated it because he felt he deserved it. I think that there has to be some limit to the out of control behaviour because the person on the receiving end of it is human too and there’s going to be a limit to what they can take

What do you think should place that limit? How does it get limited?

So you were angry once in 2019 and he’s leaving you now, 4 years later, because of it? I can only assume you did something very bad, like seriously assault him.

Im glad to hear that’s he’s having his children half the time . Id suggest that you put very clear boundaries in place around that , for everyone’s sake. He needs to have them for fixed days, so the kids know where they are. And for him to deal with school/ nursery / childcare / after school/ clothes/ school holidays / events on his days on his own.

Well, if he was a people pleaser, then I assume at the beginning of the relationship he didn't prioritise you because he was also busy pleasing OTHER people, so if you also had issues I can see why you would guilt him into prioritising you in a way he should have.

You may not have acted in the best way, but at the same time his behavior had an impact on the way you behaved as well, it wasn't done in isolation. It is definitely not as simple as "Oh poor me, I'm a people pleaser and people have taken advantage of it". It is also very much "As a people pleaser you have prioritised pleasing the WRONG people because you haven't had the strength to stand up for your loved ones".

So take a moment for yourself here, and have a think about how YOU have been affected by his people pleasing ways. Was he there for you without you having to make him be there? Did he prioritise your family's needs over other people's wants?

I said the above because I had a people pleasing DFather, who I suspect had ADD. He was always working overtime at work, or helping people on their big projects, doing loads for the church. But doing things at home was a struggle for him and he would flit off as soon as he could, and my poor DM had to make up the short fall which really wore her out.

I think you should ask him to leave. Nicely let him know it’s time for him to go and give the separation a go. It sounds like he is holding this over your head. Who knows what will happen in the future, but it’s cruel to leave you in limbo like this.

I haven't read everything as I'm getting tired...but wanted to say I'm in your DHs position right now. For years (since childhood) and even in my 19 year relationship I have done what everyone else wanted, I have run myself into the ground making sure everyone is happy, I have been used and walked over etc but I started therapy in August last year and I'm now learning to change. I have expressed to numerous people my boundaries that I shall be standing by now, some have respected that, others haven't. Including DP.

There have been a few times I have cried my eyes out, self harmed, and been seriously suicidal. I have been made to feel invisible, like my needs don't matter, like I'm just an inconvenience, not worthy enough, feelings dismissed and so on...now? I'm at a point I don't care anymore. Behaviour has been repeated, and actions speak louder than words. I have emotionally checked out, and they don't have no one but themselves to blame.

Just wanted to give you an insight from the others perspective. Listen to him, make him feel heard, support him, do not dismiss his feelings as "over reacting" or "dramatic" or "pathetic" or even accusing him of being "mentally unstable". These things will just push him further away. You can't force him to stay, but you can show him through actions that you have realised your faults and you are doing everything you can to sort those out.

Also, not accusing you of being abusive etc. Just giving the opinion from my perspective, who has also been a people pleaser. I just really can't hammer home how important it is to feel heard and acknowledged. And it's the lack of that, that's leading to the end of my very long relationship.

@Watchkeys I think that limit can only really be decided by the people in the situation. I don’t see how it’s wrong for me to recognise where I behaved badly. I’m not letting him off the hook either because I know for a time it was certainly what he deserved. At some point though I should have thought about what he might be feeling and sought help for myself.

@FL0 No I wasn’t angry just once. It happened many times up until 2019. If you look up emotional flooding, that’s what used to happen to me. The person goes into fight or flight mode and the rational part of the brain gets switches off. There wasn’t assault or anything like that but I would just go “crazy” and say hurtful things that I would regret later.

@OrderOfTheKookaburra This situation is different. My husband has always been there for me and his family over ten years. I can’t say he’s prioritised anyone else over me or the children. It was just in the first phase of our relationship before we got married that he behaved carelessly with me.

@snitzelvoncrumb Yes but I feel like a separation is also leaving me in limbo. There’s only really some finality in divorce. I really don’t want that. I have two young children and we had such a happy family unit before he stated having his breakdown (He’s having issues with pretty much every aspect of his life right now) and saying these things.

What do you mean he was careless with you at the beginning of your relationship? It sounds like you reacted understandably actually and then he blamed you for standing up for yourself. Like he couldn't cope with your boundaries. And now he's using it against you but in a covert way.