People pleasing and resentment

[PPSWife]

Hi,

My DH has recently come to the realisation that he’s a people pleaser and he doesn’t want to be this way any more. He thinks it’s a learned behaviour from his father who was the same way with his mother and also a product of coming from a family that is very conflict averse. He’s slowly started to be more honest about what he thinks and feels and I’m really proud of him for making this change. I had always sensed and told him that I didn’t feel like I always really knew who he was. He never understood that until he came to the realisation himself that he is a people pleaser and he wasn’t being authentic.

He has however started to question whether he wants to carry on with our relationship. I think there is a lot of resentment towards me because I am ashamed to say I took advantage of his agreeable nature, particularly in the early years of our relationship when I had my own insecurities and I wasn’t very mature in how I handled them. At the same time he wasn’t able to set boundaries around my behaviour and wasn’t able to express healthy anger because he was scared of how I would respond. I think we both accept that we are both to blame here.

My feeling is that this is a resolvable issue and I want us to work on it through marriage counselling. He seems less sure. He has said he wants to separate for now and then he will think about whether to pursue counselling. I think he feels like he doesn’t know who he is any more and needs time to figure it out. He has also discussed divorce, children, finances etc so I think that’s a real possibility for him, even though right now he’s just asking to separate.

I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar. I do think he will come out much happier eventually as an authentic person but I don’t know if it possible to overcome resentment and save our relationship?

@DFWM I’m really sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’m trying to be as supportive as I can about this. I’ve always said to him I felt like I didn’t really know who he was, so I do see this as a positive change but i just don’t know why it requires pushing me away at this point when I have made changes in myself and I support him in wanting to be more assertive.
He always pushed back on it when I said I didn’t know he was. But now I think he sees it himself. There’s a TikTok I’ve seen by a psychologist in which she compares a people pleaser to a Jenga tower. Each time they push aside what they want or need it’s like pulling out a block until there are so many gaps they don’t even know who they are any more.

@ScabbyHorse We had been friends since we were kids and I knew he always had a thing for me. When we were in our early 20s when he told me I was the love of his life, his soulmate etc. After a few months of this very intense stuff he became overwhelmed for various reasons and left me all of a sudden. He moved on very quickly to other things. I was completely heartbroken for a very long time. Almost became suicidal and wasn’t able to stop contacting him. Im not sure my reaction was “normal” and in recent times I’ve read about borderline personality disorder and a lot of it is relatable to me; the fear of abandonment and the emotional disregulation. Also the fact that it has largely gone now, which is what often happens with BPD after ten years. I’ve never sought diagnosis but I’m seeing a psych soon for therapy I guess I will find out.

It would help people to understand your situation if you said what he did that was careless towards you, it seems pretty central. Especially as you're taking on a lot of the responsibility for the current situation based on your historic reactions

@supercali77 that sounds so difficult 😞
I'm not surprised that caused a panic in you, actually. It's hard to be suddenly discarded. I would say it's important not to abandon yourself here. Yes you may have acted in an extreme way but it doesn't necessarily mean you have borderline personality disorder. It could be a reasonable reaction.

@Yousayhesayshesay I have wondered that myself. I did end up looking at his phone one day and couldn’t see anything. I’ve also asked him and he says there isn’t anything like that. Given his whole personality change is about being authentic and honest, I’d be surprised if he’s lying right now but I guess you never know.

I haven’t made any threads about not socialising. But it’s true that my husband doesn’t see anyone including his parents or friends any more. He spends most of his free time just watching tv these days.

I dont really have any advice Op except to say this must be a miserable way to live for all the family. My suggestion would be to say its time to shit or get off the pot DH, None of you can function with this threat hanging over you its simply not fair. It will slowly turn into a control issue with you bending all the time to try to keep it all together whilst he decides what he is doing and thats very wrong too. I feel for you, we have all behaved badly I am sure in the past but we apologise and move on, It cannot be held over you forever. I am sorry you are struggling now.

@turnthetoiletpaperroundproperly Yes, we have all behaved poorly and deserve to be able to move on once we have apologised. I suppose though you could say the same thing about me and how I should have moved on from what he did once he came back and showed that he was committed.

The resentment and not being able to let go off things from the past, is something he will need to work on because I can’t see how he he will ever be happy otherwise. It’s playing out in other areas of his life with other people too and it’s consuming him. Mistakes that other people have made in the past that he cannot let go off his anger about. At some point you have to realise that in order to heal you need to let go off things. I hope he gets there soon because I don’t think where he is right now is a nice place to be.

Nobody is saying that you're wrong to recognise where you've behaved badly. But the people in the situation aren't who decides on the limits to your responses to your own feelings: you do.

If you respond to your feelings in xyz way, and someone tells you that xyz needs to stop, they are saying that you need to stop, according to their preference. Other people's preferences aren't what make you who you are, and allowing them to shape your behavioural responses to your feelings is allowing them to do that. Stopping something you do because you don't like it is fine. Stopping something you do because someone else doesn't like it is a greyer and greyer area. If you were having an emotional response to something he was doing, did he stop doing it, or did he make you feel that your response was somehow 'wrong'? Because if it's the latter, then he was calling the shots about how you behave in response to your feelings, he was deciding what's acceptable and what's not in terms of your behaviour (i.e. making rules for you), and he was being critical of your responses rather than respecting the feelings that caused you to respond in the first place.

In short, if he behaved in the ways that 'set you off', you'd said 'I don't like that', and he'd said 'Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I won't do that again.' would you still have gone 'out of control'?

@Watchkeys I understand what you’re saying but I do really think this is coming from me. I never liked the way I behaved and always regretted it immediately once I had come back to being myself again but I would quickly forget about it and he never made me feel I was wrong (which is something I now wish he had done). In hindsight I also wish had spent time thinking about what was going on and maybe as a result I would have realised it was something I could have sought help with.

In short, if he behaved in the ways that 'set you off', you'd said 'I don't like that', and he'd said 'Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you, I won't do that again.' would you still have gone 'out of control'?
I wish it was this way but it wasn’t. I was out of control from the moment I saw something I didn’t like. I didn’t care for any apology he offered. I just wanted hurt him with my words in those moments.

Does anything else trigger you to behave in/feel that way, or has it, ever?

I can't quite believe that he'd do something and you would just fly straight off the handle, into 'out of control' levels, without there being further communication between you. You would have been sectioned. What were you doing that you find so regrettable? Shouting? Violence? Insults? These things don't happen without some kind of lead up.

@Watchkeys No nothing else has ever triggered me to behave like this. The initial abandonment was traumatising for me and I never fully processed my feelings around it. This article will explain how someone can fly off the handle so quickly: https://www.thecandidly.com/2019/this-is-why-we-become-emotionally-flooded

But the initial abandonment wasn't developmental, from what you've said, you were in your 20s. Unless you're referring to something in your childhood that I've missed on the thread? This stuff doesn't come from your partner hurting you, and then represent itself years later within tat relationship. It comes from an adult relationship representing a childhood hurt, which is why we turn into children in a tantrum when it happens. There's a little hurt you, somewhere in there, and when she's poked enough, she screams so loud that other people can actually hear her. That was your out of control behaviour, and she's the one you need to pay attention to. The damage may or may not be done in your current relationship, and there's little you can do but respect him and give him time.

@Watchkeys Yes it wasn’t a childhood trauma but it was still the first and only experience I had in my life that felt really traumatic. The stuff about emotional flooding really describes what I have been like. I suppose it’s possible there’s some childhood trauma or attachment issues that I may have had as a child (my mother was depressed throughout my childhood). I don’t know if that’s linked to this in anyway but if it maybe therapy will help me understand.

Posting with a NC as I have a version of this happening except that I am in your DHs position.

it’s really unclear what has actually happened (he dumped you and you stalked him?) but as to the overall issue of resentment and people pleasing I would say that the underlying driver to separate for me has been the realisation that I am in a relationship with someone who has to be explicitly prompted to consider my needs. The resentment comes from feeling like the other person has taken what they want from you because it suited them, and it’s only when presented with a scenario that’s not in their best interests (ie separation) that they’ve prepared to change their behaviour - because it’s now worthwhile to do so. I found this very very difficult to get over, because this dynamic is very difficult to change.

in terms of what you can do now, I cannot recommend more strongly that you give your dh the space he needs. Put him first for once, even if it’s not in your best interests. Consider it a long term investment in your marriage if you must.

I think that therapy might help you understand that this is deep rooted, deeper than this relationship. Did you feel like a child when the loss of control episodes happened? Sorry if I'm asking too many questions; I've had a similar experience and am always curious about what happens for others.

"We both agree that there was always going to be some fallout from what he did, but it probably went on for much longer then it should have."

What exactly did he do?
Is this abandonment at the beginning of the relationship all of it, or is there something else? How did he abandon you he just left?

I feel like I haven't heard what the actual issue, all of it, is that you were responding to in the first place.

@angeltulips Thanks for posting. I think what you’ve described is very possible even though he hasn’t described it that way yet and I think it’s fair to feel that way. I do know that I care for him but I was too wrapped up in my own pain to see him.

Did you overcome it?

I do want to try and support him through this and if space is what he needs then that’s ok. I think I question it sometimes because I see so much on here about men asking to separate and women being advised to dump his because he’s obviously cheating.

@Watchkeys I don’t remember ever feeling out of control as a child. I’ve generally always been quite a composed person. I know that when I was growing up my mother was depressed and would have rages at me and that would make me feel very sad and stressed but I don’t remember feeling or expressing anger. For some reason I don’t have many specific memories of negative experiences from the past (both from my childhood or from my relationship). Things happen and I forget the details but I do remember the feelings. My mum has also told me she is like this.

Emotional maturity is not just letting go of things from the past - it's accepting that people don't have to do that or forgive you even if you are sorry.

No matter how sorry you are and how many times you apologise he is still entitled to his feelings of resentment.

He is obviously working through things and need space, but the likely outcome will be that once he's ready he will leave all together - and this also will be a way of dealing with hurt and resentment, and letting things go.

@PaintedEgg That’s quite hard hitting. It’s not something I can argue with.

If that is the case then I think I would be left feeling that he gave me so much pain that I wanted to kill myself at one point, but ultimately my love for him outweighed the pain and so I took him back. I’ve given him a lot of pain too but if he chooses to walk away then he probably just didn’t love me as much. Which is fine. It’s just another reality that I will have to learn to accept.

If that is the case then I think I would be left feeling that he gave me so much pain that I wanted to kill myself at one point

Why would you continue a relationship with someone who gave you so much pain? It all looks unhealthy to me, as does your clinging, now. He wants to leave, because the relationship isn't good. That's it.

I wouldn't think about it in categories of who loved whom more - rather what each of you would be willing to put up with at any given time

That being said - resentment does kill love or any other warm feelings we may have for others. So it is quite possible that at the present time you are loving him more than he is capable of loving you.

As another people pleaser, I can only add that one thing people seem to forget about habitual people pleaser is that people pleasers are not being this way because of "good" personality traits like kindness or altruism. Of course we can be that independently, but the tendency to back off, let things slide, let people get their way is an unhealthy coping mechanism that drivers a feeling of being forced into situations we don't like, and this drives resentment. Realising that we fail to stand up for ourselves and those closest to us are using this (knowingly or not) basically breeds emotions such as anger, helplessness, bitterness, resentment or even outright hate towards people. These feelings, once established, are very hard to get over and there is often no real reason to do so - because whatever love there was is now long gone.