People pleasing and resentment

[PPSWife]

Hi,

My DH has recently come to the realisation that he’s a people pleaser and he doesn’t want to be this way any more. He thinks it’s a learned behaviour from his father who was the same way with his mother and also a product of coming from a family that is very conflict averse. He’s slowly started to be more honest about what he thinks and feels and I’m really proud of him for making this change. I had always sensed and told him that I didn’t feel like I always really knew who he was. He never understood that until he came to the realisation himself that he is a people pleaser and he wasn’t being authentic.

He has however started to question whether he wants to carry on with our relationship. I think there is a lot of resentment towards me because I am ashamed to say I took advantage of his agreeable nature, particularly in the early years of our relationship when I had my own insecurities and I wasn’t very mature in how I handled them. At the same time he wasn’t able to set boundaries around my behaviour and wasn’t able to express healthy anger because he was scared of how I would respond. I think we both accept that we are both to blame here.

My feeling is that this is a resolvable issue and I want us to work on it through marriage counselling. He seems less sure. He has said he wants to separate for now and then he will think about whether to pursue counselling. I think he feels like he doesn’t know who he is any more and needs time to figure it out. He has also discussed divorce, children, finances etc so I think that’s a real possibility for him, even though right now he’s just asking to separate.

I was wondering if anyone has been through anything similar. I do think he will come out much happier eventually as an authentic person but I don’t know if it possible to overcome resentment and save our relationship?

@angeltulips The purpose is for the other person to recognise your needs and if they feel like doing something about it they might. “Ok how about you arrange something for yourself during the week so you can also get a break and I’ll make sure I’m back from work early”

@Polik I agree it’s not possible for things to be exactly equal all of the time. But I think what you’re saying makes sense if you have both carried it at different times. That’s never been the case here. I have always carried more and never had much acknowledgement or appreciation for it.

But if that’s the purpose, why not say that? Rather than passively aggressively implying that the weekend away is a horrible burden, and requiring your dh to “assert” himself to make it happen. You say that you always state your needs but you’re not. You’re not being honest about what’s going on here.

@polik hits the nail on the head. If your dh is not pulling his weight generally then that is (yet) another issue you have between you. But that has nothing to do with people pleasing. In fact people who don’t pull their weight are rarely people pleasers, so perhaps something else is going on here.

I’m afraid he sounds quite disturbed , this isn’t an appropriate way to behave .

I agree it’s not possible for things to be exactly equal all of the time. But I think what you’re saying makes sense if you have both carried it at different times. That’s never been the case here. I have always carried more and never had much acknowledgement or appreciation for it.

That, then, is the problem.

If youre doing everything all of the time, it's likely to build resentment. Especially when your aren't acknowledged or appreciated for doing so.

I don't think this sounds like people pleasing behaviour. I tend to agree with earlier thoughts on the thread that his "growth" against "people pleasing" is just his emotional manipulation of you.

I hope, in time, your emotional intelligence (which is very clear in your self reflection on this thread) helps you peel away the layers to see this.

I think there is a big difference between being passive and people pleasing. People pleasers DO stuff for others, often at their great expense and with little benefit to themselves. Passive people just go along with anything, but they dont exactly contribute either

it can still make them resentful, but they just suck at pleasing themselves as much as they suck at pleasing others

@angeltulips Yes, you’re right there seems to be an issue with me being able to state my needs clearly and using passive aggressiveness at times. Another thing I need to work on.

@PaintedEgg That’s a very interesting distinction and I think you’re right it’s more passiveness then people pleasing. I don’t think he feels burnt out from constantly doing stuff. His main issue is that he has repressed what he wants and also repressed feelings of anger/upset.

@PPSWife at some point you need to consider that dealing with his anger is not your responsibility. You've offered to talk and listen, he declined. Push it too far and he will start sending you messages similar to ones he sends his mother - he needs therapy. Professional therapy from someone qualified to provide it - you, as his wife, are not this person.

@PaintedEgg Yes, I’ve stopped asking anything now. When he told me wanted to separate a few months back the only reason he gave me was “I feel like I’m changing as a person” but wouldn’t talk about what that change was. He decided that he wanted to be more honest and willing to express his anger/upset in December 2021 so I thought it was unlikely to be that, as that seemed to be going ok and I just assumed there was some other new change going on that he couldn’t talk about. I did end up asking him a couple of weeks back to tell me about the change and he said it was the boundaries stuff. After that I haven’t spoken to him about it again. I have in the past pushed him to try to get therapy (not just about our relationship but other stuff) but he refuses. He saw a therapist last summer for a month (he focused on discussing his issues with his mother) and he flips between saying the therapist made things worse (yes that happens sometimes in the beginning but you need to persist) and saying she wasn’t very insightful or intelligent and that he was always trying to outsmart her (ok find someone with better credentials who you respect?). Anyway I’ve stopped pushing for that now and I’m also going to support him with the separation whenever he decides to take the next step. I need to accept the lack of control I have over what’s going on, which is hard for me, but I hope I will get there.

Your communication sounds horrible as a couple - he brought this up in nov 2021 and nothing since? It’s a same he won’t do therapy as it sounds like he desperately needs it.

but wold reiterate that all you can do is focus on o. You have said multiple times in this thread that you find it frustrating you can’t “control” what happens - I think this is an interesting choice of language. Are you used to controlling the relationship? Has your dh been the passive one?

regadless it sounds like separation is the right call for now. I wouldn’t dwell on what the future holds - the more you can stay in te moment and focus on wha you want, the better. Good luck.

@angeltulips No, we had spoken about in subsequent months and he said he was feeling much happier. Later on a lot of other stuff kicked off at work, with his family etc and this change seemed to take a backseat for him.

No, it’s not about controlling the relationship. On big decisions we are often very aligned and if we aren’t I think we are good at reaching compromises. It’s on more mundane every day stuff that it seems like he has been passive. Saying I don’t have control is more about me being a fixer. In life when you are faced with challenges there’s often something you can do - if you’re sick you can get treatment, if you’re struggling at work you can look for a new job etc. It feels like there is very little I can do here and that is challenging.

from my experience therapy can feel awful - it can break you down before you can put yourself back together and thats why a lot of people drop out. its uncomfortable and it forces patients to do a lot of hard work and actually change things about their life and actions.

By the way - don't trivialise the mundane and everyday stuff. Thats stuff is what makes majority of our lives and what can absolutely drive someone up the wall.

and remember that you are not dealing with something but someone and people cannot be fixed unless they want to and make an effort to. It sounds like he is trying but he is at the stage of dealing with his earlier issues (his mother), he may get to your relationship, but i wouldn't hold onto hope that it will mean he'll come back.

the fix for him may be that he will need to learn how to be on his own - to take action, make decisions, "fix" his own things without any external push or even motivation so that to him it will feel like it is coming from within, not people forcing him to change

@PaintedEgg Yes, there is definitely fear that’s holding him back from therapy. He said once that he worried that therapy could end up making him feel suicidal and he wants to protect himself from sinking to that kind of low.

He is very much consumed by his anger at his mother at the moment. There’s a lot of ranting and circular discussions with her. I feel very sad for them both, but I’ve come to realise over time that anger is just part of the process of dealing with things and he will only move on to the next stage of healing when he is ready himself. As you said, decisions about getting help need come from him not from outside, so I have stopped saying anything about it any more. I do also think you’re right that he will address the relationship later. He has said himself that his immediate priority is to sort out his work issues which are pressing and to manage his feelings around what his mother did.

I really feel like I understand what’s going on with him better as a result of this thread, so thank you for all contributions and for challenging me in how I think about things. For some reason having a better understanding of things helps me feel more prepared to deal with an outcome which is not the one that I want.

Op, I am sorry to say that your posts remind me of so many things that women I work with, say when they are in an abusive relationship. They constantly question their behaviour as the source of unhappiness in the relationship (yours sounds like PMDD). Many will talk about having said horrible things when upset, like no one ever does that. Their DH is always a victim of something or other. They will talk about the relationship being so happy in the past ... but struggle to tell you about the happy times. They talk about the angry ex constantly sending messages usually to them (seems your MIL in this case). This is abusive behaviour. And his attitude to the therapist is appalling and pretty text book narc behaviour. I think Choconut may be right.

And the love bombing at the beginning of the relationship is classic tactic used by abusers.

@CarlRogersCat I can see why it might seem like that but apart from the stuff that happened at the start of the relationship (the love bombing and discarding which I know can be signs of narcissistic abuse) there hasn’t been anything in the subsequent ten years that could be described as abuse. He’s never criticised or devalued me and always been kind, loving and very calm. I have lots of happy memories. The anger towards his mother is very out of character. I was once upon a time actually in an emotionally abusive relationship, which I walked away from fairly quickly so I’m not completely oblivious to that sort of thing. There is definitely arrogance around seeking therapy and I do feel that there are certain narcissistic traits but I really don’t think he’s an abuser.

All the stuff he says about being a “ people pleaser “ doesn’t ring true to me. It sounds more like part of the whole “ rewriting of history “ script.

You know the “ I’ve always been unhappy and all these choices that I made, the things that I said I wanted at the time, I didn’t actually want them. I just did it to please you / because I was scared of you / because you re abusive / because of issues from my childhood / religion / whatever “.

it means that they don’t have to take responsibility for anything they did or said in the past because they weren’t “ being authentic”. Commonly men who don’t want to stay married claim they were forced /manipulated into it in the first place against their will.

It’s the same with men who don’t want to parent / Financially support their kids.

And it’s all the fault of their wife / partner who should have guessed when he said “ let’s move in togther / get married /move abroad / have a baby / have another baby “ that he in fact meant completely the opposite .

same as the men who have been perfectly happily married for years and never said a word about any unhappiness or concerns. Then they start an affair and suddenly it’s their wife’s fault they have to shag another women because the poor lambs been unhappy for years and his evil wife just ignored his feelings .

@PPSWife I’m wondering what kind of person goes for therapy ( presumably giving up their own time and money ) and used that time to try to out smart the therapist, because she wasn’t intelligent or insightful.

Do you have any thoughts about that ?

And also about the daily rants and angry messages at his mother to help him “ deal with his anger “. To me That sounds more like a toddler than a grown man.

Anything that has happened after that is to do with him not saying what he wants out of fear. That’s not something I have any control over.
It's not something he had control, fear will do that. I gave up talking to my stbxh about anything meaningful because I was afraid of his reaction. I didn't mention small issues because he'd make me regret bringing things up. That's what having a partner who makes you feel afraid does to you.

Stbxh worst behaviour was in 2019 too. I can feel that fear vividly still. I buried it, I tried so hard to go on, to forget it. It was still there every time he snapped or was nasty, everytime he raised his voice, everytime he pushed past me. When I told him I wanted a divorce I shook for 3 hours and spent 10 days barely sleeping, throwing up and with anxiety turning into panic attacks and he didn't even have a bad reaction. There's nothing he could do now to fix our marriage.