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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Getting really irritated with my partners parents comments towards me.

127 replies

Differentneeds · 22/04/2023 17:20

We are at their house now and I’ve removed myself from the room as the baby is sleeping. To be honest they piss me off with their constant comments towards me.

The one they keep repeating is that I trapped their boy and got pregnant. They laugh after but I just don’t find this funny. Yes I’m 7 years older but he’s 33 for gods sake and not a baby. He knows just as much about the birds and the bees as I do.

I don’t think that they are saying this as a joke even through they laugh after it. I just have heard it 20 times this year so far. He chooses to be with me and I don’t think they approve and it’s getting on my nerves.

OP posts:
tribpot · 23/04/2023 09:13

Sounds like his brother's girlfriend had enough of these people years ago. It would be interesting to get her take on it if the opportunity ever arose.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 09:15

His mum lost her own mum when she was 2 so perhaps she finds it difficult. Only speculating though! We are both good women, the brothers girlfriend and myself.

OP posts:
caringcarer · 23/04/2023 09:15

I'd not go to see them again ever, let your partner go alone. I'd keep the baby home with me, you know, because that's a 'pink job' looking after kids. See how they miss having access to the baby.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 09:17

@tribpot I know she has a little smoking habit that she hides from them. They obviously must have said something previous so instead of saying mind your own business she hides it from them. They know though. She finds excuses to not go come to family events. Eg yesterday she stayed behind because she had a sore throat. I don’t blame her.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/04/2023 09:35

OP,

You sound lovely but they are further abusing you with their nasty comments.

You can choose to accept it and further wound your MH or you can no longer visit.

In your place I would be asking his brother and family to come to yours and strengthen the bond you and your children have with THEM, without his parents.

Actively exclude them.

I wouldn't want my children near their ugliness, but I am very firm on boundaries.

Ugly people add nothing to a childs life, as does hearing their mother belittled verbally with nasty comments.

@AprilFool23 has made excellent points.

Protect yourself.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 09:57

@billy1966 they are literally moving 3 mins walk away so it will be nice for the children to play together. His parents have already made passive jokes about how well behaved there grandchildren are and how unruly my daughter is. Yes she is a little rude, she has been through an awful lot. But she also takes no prisoners and is a very confident 7 year old. She literally after spending time with them says “oh are we still here” out loud, lol I don’t blame her.

OP posts:
tribpot · 23/04/2023 10:04

The more you say, the worse it sounds, @Differentneeds . And harmful both for you and your daughter. Clearly they aren't going to shy away from making it clear they favour their biological grandchildren over all of you without a biological link - the two daughters-in-law and your poor daughter. Frankly it sounds as if she won't give a shit but for her sake, as well as yours, you need to limit exposure to them.

AprilFool23 · 23/04/2023 10:19

Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 09:07

Im not entirely sure it’s just me. They (and mainly the mum) is not exactly open armed to his brothers girlfriend either. They’ve been together for 10 years and have 2 children under 10. She has never let her children sleep over the grandparents and they spend 90% of the time with her family. Any time they need family support they call on her family and only use his at last resort. It’s only since I’ve been on the scene my partner tells me that they started making an effort to spend time at the grandparents.

Well that should reassure you in a way - it sounds like the parents/Mum don't have a good relationship with their other son's partner either.

And no wonder if they were as tactless & unpleasant there too.

Raffington55 · 23/04/2023 10:23

Just say ‘well, he’s free to leave if he likes and he can come back and live with you’

AprilFool23 · 23/04/2023 10:23

His parents have already made passive jokes about how well behaved there grandchildren are and how unruly my daughter is. Yes she is a little rude, she has been through an awful lot. But she also takes no prisoners and is a very confident 7 year old. She literally after spending time with them says “oh are we still here” out loud, lol I don’t blame her.

Fk, that's not good.

They could negatively affect your dd, no matter how robust she is (and kids often get more aware and sensitive as they get older) .... On top of causing you stress and hurt.
They sound a bit poisonous.

As so done said above, maybe try to form a little family bulwark again at them with your partner's brother's family.

Megablueberry · 23/04/2023 10:25

I had exactly the same comments from my MIL when my dc were born. This isn’t about you or the age difference, it is about her own insecurities and jealousy. She’s actually making things up about you saying that you trapped him. The toxic comments and lies have continued and my dc are teenagers now. If she is like my MIL it will not change. You have stolen her ds (in her eyes) and that is the problem, not you. Was he a golden child? Don’t let this toxic relationship destroy your confidence the way it did me. They are not nice people, agree you should limit your exposure but they also need to know that it won’t be tolerated or they will begin to talk like this in front of your dc when they are older. You can all agree that you leave together when they make these comments so they can see a united front and that there are consequences. My MIl also talks about her grandchildren as in who is behaved, who is good, who is bad. It is awful, it’s exactly what she did with her own kids. My MIl also lost her mum quite young and i can see where her issues stem from, and my (stb) ex-dp is likely ND but never really stood up for me. I hope you find a way to deal with this effectively.

Mirabai · 23/04/2023 10:36

From reading your other threads OP, you’ve gone from an abusive relationship to one with a question-mark autistic man with a significant hoarding problem who pesters you for sex, and a family hostile to you.

I wonder why you didn’t think you could find someone without significant dysfunction?

I think the parents are only one part of this greater dysfunctional situation.

ImAvingOops · 23/04/2023 10:36

"I think she's jealous. You are young with a baby and your partner, so you are needed."

Sorry OP to derail but this is a fucking outrageous thing for @Irridescantshimmmer to say. Do you really believe the only valuable women are those who are young and have babies and partners? You too are going to age and it will come around quicker than you think!

OP, not defending your dp's parents at all. They are very rude and you should expect your dp to deal with it. If he won't shut it down, he's not the man for you.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 10:43

@Mirabai that’s a bit unfair. Nobody is perfect and he’s a good man,I don’t really speak up, which is not helpful. His parents are questionable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 10:45

@Megablueberry yes his brothers nickname for him is golden balls. He definitely is the golden child. He is a very kind person.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 23/04/2023 10:49

Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 09:57

@billy1966 they are literally moving 3 mins walk away so it will be nice for the children to play together. His parents have already made passive jokes about how well behaved there grandchildren are and how unruly my daughter is. Yes she is a little rude, she has been through an awful lot. But she also takes no prisoners and is a very confident 7 year old. She literally after spending time with them says “oh are we still here” out loud, lol I don’t blame her.

Thats nice, but they are also bullying your daughter with remarks which is emotional abuse.

I don't research user names but others are mentioning that your partner is a hoarder who pesters you for sex?

This all NOT good.

You need to protect your children from this toxicity that surrounds them.

You and they deserve better.

Original poster
Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 10:51

@billy1966 the brother is moving close with his children so that will be nice for them to all play with each other more.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 23/04/2023 11:01

”Nobody’s perfect” is a phrase used to justify very dysfunctional situations.

Ariela · 23/04/2023 11:07

I would see if you can get MIL on her own after another incident, and ask her if she really meant it, because it's hurtful as you both love each other and adore baby - and ask does she say this because FIL feels that she trapped him?

ImAvingOops · 23/04/2023 11:19

You must stop her from making comments about your daughter - your child only has you to advocate for her, and it's important that you do.
I think blunt conversations need to be had about their comments not being appropriate or welcome - as the parent, your child's behaviour is your business, no one else's!

Original poster
Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 11:19

@Mirabai not really it’s just realistic. To be human is to be flawed.

OP posts:
Mirabai · 23/04/2023 11:40

ASD is not a flaw it’s a neurological disorder, hoarding disorder is not a flaw it’s a mental health condition.

In addition to this his parents are dysfunctional and potentially damaging to your DD.

amiold · 23/04/2023 11:49

"Haha he isn't trapped. He can leave whenever he wants. The only person trapped here is me, having to listen to this constant nonsense"

amiold · 23/04/2023 11:57

Or dead pan just look confused and say "trapped in what way?" Let her splutter an awkward response and then say you're treating him like a child, he isn't as stupid as you wish to paint him

Original poster
Differentneeds · 23/04/2023 12:19

@Mirabai none of what you say is an issue to me. I accept him for who he is as does he in return. If that changes then we approach that if it does. It doesn’t mean his parents can’t respect me, they can talk to me about any concerns. He is a fully functioning adult who has lived alone since he was 18.

OP posts:
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