Getting really irritated with my partners parents comments towards me.

[Differentneeds]

We are at their house now and I’ve removed myself from the room as the baby is sleeping. To be honest they piss me off with their constant comments towards me.

The one they keep repeating is that I trapped their boy and got pregnant. They laugh after but I just don’t find this funny. Yes I’m 7 years older but he’s 33 for gods sake and not a baby. He knows just as much about the birds and the bees as I do.

I don’t think that they are saying this as a joke even through they laugh after it. I just have heard it 20 times this year so far. He chooses to be with me and I don’t think they approve and it’s getting on my nerves.

OP, you gain nothing by arguing with these people and you stand to lose your own personal tranquility. At the moment , they have nothing to offer that you need. You can avoid their comments simply by avoiding them.

Obviously, it was unwise to share so much of your past relationship history with them. They did not view you as having overcome obstacles; instead they see you as having burdened their son with baggage. In similar circumstances, many parents might share that same beliefs but would have the good grace not to express those beliefs.

If their respect matters to you, it will likely grow in time as the see their son happy and stable and as their relationship with their grandchild grows and develops. Ironically, as the grow to be more accepting , you.will.likely care less

At the moment, you do not need a protector or champion, what you need is peace and tranquility. You do not need your husband or anyone else to have your back to gain that. The only thing that you need is the willingness to no longer visit them.

How horrible they are. Imagine they continue to spout this shit when your child is old enough to understand. It needs shut down!

One word, boring. I'd have thought you would something new by now. Accompanied with an exaggerated Yaaawn

Erm my hubby wouldn't stand for comments like that. Maybe first couple of times he will let slide but ye to both sides of the family he will just say ok ok enough is enough as sometimes they don't realise there repeating the same stuff again and again

Try some plain speaking. It doesn't have to be rude (they are very rude). Just say that it may have been funny the first time but is now wearing a bit thin. Your husband could then tell them he is very happy with you. It might make them think before opening their mouths. For goodness sakes you are the mother of their grandchild! You deserve respect for that alone, a lot of women in your position wouldn't have gone through the pregnancy.

We have a lovely bundle of joy now.

His mother is so jealous of you she can’t stand it. So she’s trying to destroy your happiness and this magical time you having your precious baby. 7 years difference is nothing when he’s 33. You are very young and his mother can’t stand it. You’re younger than the Princess of Wales and the Duchess of Sussex. Remember that. I don’t know what the answer is, I despise vicious people.

They sound awful and I’m not defending them, but I’d their son is autistic, as per the other thread, they might feel a bit more protective.

I think @LBFseBrom has it exactly right.

You have to get yourself into a self-confident and relaxed mindset to deal with this one.

Next time they say it, pick one of them to address directly and say - not angrily or coldly, but thoughtfully and a little curiously - "You know, Linda, you've made that joke so many times now that I'm starting to wonder if you really do feel that I trapped your son with a baby. The way I see him he's a grown man who very much has his own mind and agency. We talked about having a child and agreed it was something we were both open to, and [baby's name] is the little love of our lives. So to repeatedly make a joke that suggests you see [baby's name] as being a tool for me me to trap your son in a relationship has come to feel quite disrespectful to all of us - me, [partner's name] and [baby's name]. If that's not what you think, great, but I'm going to ask you to stop joking about it. And if that is what you think, I'd like to make it quite clear that you're wrong, and again, to stop joking about it."

There will probably be a really awkward silence or protestations or denials or even accusations that you can't take a joke after you say it but just stay calm and self-assured and repeat things like "Well, I'm glad to hear it's not what you really think, and will appreciate this particular joke coming to the end of its run" or "Well, perhaps I am being sensitive but I would still like you to stop
joking about something that's important to me", etc. It might be good to have a couple of evergreen topics in mind that you can switch to - "Oh, has anyone heard an update from Aunt Mary, how's she enjoying life in Florida now?" "Did you see last night's episode of [fave TV show]?"

… with „and dignity“ as an afterthought.

I spoke to him last night about what he thinks. I’ve said that I don’t really like the comment but he doesn’t really understand. Like I said on a previous thread he must be on the spectrum. Jokes and sarcasm go right over his head. They may well be over protective, they refer to him as boy when he is 33. He lived on his own in his own house when I met him with a stable job. Yes his house was full and disorganised but I looked past that. He takes things literal and would not see these comments as hurtful. I don’t think he would be able to stand up and say that. I wouldn’t really want him to, it would not change the way they view me only his relationship with them which would make him uncomfortable.

I’ve definitely over shared. I didn’t realise people would view me so poorly. Ive come a long way and I try very hard to make sure I heal and not pass on my hurt, I was abused for over a decade. I’ve definitely learned this now which makes being a victim of abuse feel a little shameful and that’s all I need right now. People don’t understand we were victims of a trauma, we aren’t bad people. I accept their son for who he is and visa versa.

I feel such a fraud when I go over and try and do small talk when I know they don’t like me. Im letting myself down

Don't be too hard on yourself. You've tried to be the bigger person for the sake of family, but now it's time to put yourself first. I agree with just quietly not bothering with them anymore.

Im probably not the girl they had in mind for their son. They probably think with him being potentially on the spectrum he is easily trapped and persuadable. I know he was on long term medication as a teenager and family say things at times like he used to sit all day and line up his cars. So let’s assume he is on the spectrum. I’m quite a complicated person with a complicated background. But at the end of the day I’m looking for the sane thing as him. A world where I feel safe in as I’ve felt unsafe for a long time. I’m a very accepting person who doesn’t see worth in money, we have very similar likes. Someone who loves and accepts him for who he is should be what they would want. They should speak to me about it I would be happy to listen.

This is the perfect response to shut them down.

It's not funny, it's plain rude.

I agree that you should just stop going there. Stop making the effort, only to be judged and laughed at. You'll feel so much better.

They don’t deserve you, op. Don’t grace them with your presence again. Nor your child’s. And if your partner is busy being happy with you and the baby, with less time for vile people, all the better.

I have to laugh about me apparently seducing him. If you knew me you’d know I’m not exactly the seducing kind of person. It took me a long time to feel comfortable having sex with him. I made him aware about the sexual abuse element in my previous relationship and he was not pushy at all. They should be proud of him, they raised a good man, it’s a real shame they don’t respect his choice in partner and it makes me sad. I fell in love with a man who accepted me for all the parts of me that was all. Having his child was lovely. She’s a demanding little thing and she is the spitting image of him. They even went on holiday the week over my c-section due date. He could have done with them as he found it all extremely overwhelming. I told him to go home in the end at the hospital as I could see he was struggling, they should have been there for him. I had the midwives and he had no one.

Stand up for yourself and use the "Do you mean to be so rude" line. If you simply stop going to visit without making yourself clear why it will cause a heap of trouble and speculation etc. Make it clear to your partner he must support you and your child in this.

I am.not saying they are correct in any way but they appear to be uncomfortable and unhappy that their (in their view) vulnerable son had settled with a 7 yrs older single Mum.

They clearly, as you've said, wanted something (someone I suppose) different for him.

They are assuming that the 7 yrs age difference means you have the advantage (particularly because he is on the spectrum) and are assuming that your sort of planned child was you getting pregnant... Or that he agreed but was incapable of truly understanding what he was agreeing to. They assume it was you pushing it/engineering it to tie him in to the relationship.

These may be all completely incorrect, but unfortunately that appears to be what they think.

Time might - big might - ameliorate that.

In the meantime I don't think you're going to change their minds by protesting/arguing/trying to reason with them. Your best bet might be to leave visits up to him until they change their attitude, if they ever really do.

They even went on holiday the week over my c-section due date

More evidence I think that they are truly unhappy with his life choices and couldn't even bear to be around when you child together was arriving, even to support him. They chose to get out of the situation entirely.

I think there's some serious level of unhappiness, disappointment, bitterness etc with these people and you're only seeing the repressed, passive aggressive manifestation of it. I'd not be surprised if that erupted in something more aggressive/obvious at some point. I can't see a way of dealing with it other than staying away from them and hoping time - and seeing your partnership and family last - might ameliorate their feelings.

"That wasn't even funny the first time you said it".

@AprilFool23 I think you are right. It’s completely un true though. I’m not really older as I lost over a decade in an abusive relationship where I was kept vulnerable and I didn’t grow. They have a perception of me that’s quite hurtful but it’s their problem as they are the ones who are missing out.

This! Everytime !

….Or “let’s all laugh while you make a spiteful comment…ha ha ha” that should air the problem

If I fight back then that will only add to that perception of me that I’m bad. I will just keep away mentally and as much as I can physically. I’m happy with why I’m with him. I’m also vulnerable (as we all are) and would like peoples respect. If they don’t want to give it then that’s that. Like I said other members of his family are really welcoming, his grandparents are lovely.

Im not entirely sure it’s just me. They (and mainly the mum) is not exactly open armed to his brothers girlfriend either. They’ve been together for 10 years and have 2 children under 10. She has never let her children sleep over the grandparents and they spend 90% of the time with her family. Any time they need family support they call on her family and only use his at last resort. It’s only since I’ve been on the scene my partner tells me that they started making an effort to spend time at the grandparents.