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Original poster

Can’t cope any more - it’s like he’s turning into a monster

68 replies

somethingsgottagive75 · 20/04/2023 22:32

Been with DH over 20 years. 4 tween/teen kids. More than our fair share of stress and hard times, but we’ve weathered those storms. Would have said we were a good solid couple with a fair balance of career/child rearing etc.

Over the last few years, DH has made one poor decision after another when it comes to work and finances. It’s been frustrating at times, but I’ve been supportive, even when he’s made decisions that have had a negative impact on us - think walking out of jobs without discussing with me, safe in the knowledge he can fall back on our savings (that I’ve brought in might I add).

His self esteem took a knock at times but he’s been in an (underpaid for his level) role for a year. Things are already ‘going wrong’ it seems - bonuses haven’t come in, an annual salary review that was set to happen but now is not. He seems unable to negotiate or progress when it comes to income. Worse, he now point blank refuses to discuss our financial outlook with me - literally screaming at me or stonewalling if I dare to ask what is going on. I’m not being grabby or demanding - I literally want to know if we’ll have enough in the account to pay for a summer holiday/school residential etc.

Just now I said ‘it shouldn’t be a problem discussing this like adults’ and he said ‘YOU are my problem’ and has gone to sleep in another room.

i have lost all respect for him I think. I‘ve had to be supportive to his work crap for many years now, and frustrating though it is, if he was being lovely but a bit hopeless on the work front I wouldn’t care. Instead he’s being an utter dickhead over all this.

has anyone gone through similar?

OP posts:
PeterLemonJello · 20/04/2023 22:57

I went through similar. It didn't work out for us, We were together a bit less than 10 years which wasn't my choice but glad it happened now. Money and work wasn't the only factor but it was a big one. Your'e right discussing money with your wife/husband shouldn't be a problem and most certainly shouldn't get that response.

determinedtomakethiswork · 20/04/2023 23:10

Oh my God, you are a better woman than I am. I couldn't put up with that shit. Treating you like that is absolutely shocking. Think practically. If you were to move out could you afford to pay bills?

Minjeata · 20/04/2023 23:14

Your finances should be open to both of you. Sounds horrible - I would be hiding away money so you have something to support you and children with. His behaviour suggests he prioritises himself before his responsibilities to his family.

mathanxiety · 20/04/2023 23:17

Do you not have access to the joint account? Assuming there is one..

He'll have to reveal his financial circumstances if/ when you file for divorce.

I think you need to keep this option open. You should certainly make sure any savings you are able to sock away are in an account he can't touch. Open one asap.

Is your H really employed or does he head out in the morning and kill time all day? My exH did this - turned out he had borrowed a massive amount of money in bits and pieces from his parents.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2023 23:22

Do you not have access to your bank accounts? How is it you don't know what's going on financially?

You need to get rid of him, quick.

PermanentTemporary · 20/04/2023 23:25

It sounds as if he is feeling humiliated that this job isn't working out. What kind of work does he do?

It is extremely hard work being with someone who hasn't found their niche and won't be realistic about their actual ability. Does he need to be in a more straightforward lower paid job? Who thinks he is underpaid - him?

I wonder if he is afraid you will leave him or stop respecting him if he doesn't have a certain status. Is he right? Or is it that he can't deal with it himself, and is behaving in this very dumb way?

You do have a problem if he won't talk about it but for now I would back off.

Original poster
somethingsgottagive75 · 20/04/2023 23:26

Thank you for replies. I feel so lost. No extended family support whatsoever. Some amazing close friends who don’t quite realise the extent of my unhappiness.

I think the kids know things are bad between us and it just breaks my heart….

@PeterLemonJello - glad you got out. Did you have kids with him?

@determinedtomakethiswork - yep, he’s being an absolute arsehole and I don’t deserve it. I know a lot of it stems from disappointment in himself but why do I have to be his punchbag? Moving out/my finances - well, not easy. We’d have to sell our house (which I mainly paid for). My earnings took a hit from early years of childcare and then changing careers. In retrospect I shouldn’t have changed careers, but I trusted him when he reassured me that all would be fine financially - I was an idiot.

@Minjeata - he shuts down any conversation about money. Even told me he’ll start putting his salary into a different account if I question him more about it. Awful.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2023 23:32

Even told me he’ll start putting his salary into a different account if I question him more about it. Awful.

You should be putting your salary into a private account and take any money in savings that you have access to. This man is going to ruin you.

I think the kids know things are bad between us and it just breaks my heart….

Your kids absolutely know how toxic and fucked up your marriage is. Please don't keep them in this environment. They are being raised to believe that all of this dysfunction is normal. Get to a solicitor, sell the house and get shot of him.

Original poster
somethingsgottagive75 · 20/04/2023 23:35

@mathanxiety - oh, I know what he’s earning. He’s in a field where you have a base salary plus bonuses (not a banker though!) It’s pretty much a ‘given’ that you get those bonuses, and it was certainly expected that DH would have an annual review where his base would be raised (even only to reflect cost of living). But NEITHER of those things have happened and now DH refuses to explain why. Apparently his salary now is his business, even though he told me that these things would happen and we would be looking at a sizeable increase to his income. I don’t know why he’s just rolling over and saying ‘fine’ to his (obviously quite crap) employer, and why I’m SO unreasonable so actually ask him what our household income might be at a certain time etc

OP posts:
ClairDeLaLune · 20/04/2023 23:37

Do you think it’s possible he’s lost his job and hasn’t told you?

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 20/04/2023 23:46

He’s been disciplined/failed at something and isn’t getting bonuses or a pay review because of it.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 20/04/2023 23:46

Bet it’s not the employer at fault or he would be busy moaning about them.

TiaraBoo · 20/04/2023 23:48

He must be on some kind of performance improvement plan. If he’s previously walked out on jobs before he could be the problem rather than the job/manager/company. And now he’s not ‘underpaid’, it’s reflecting his actual talent/skills.

LaughingCat · 20/04/2023 23:49

somethingsgottagive75 · 20/04/2023 23:35

@mathanxiety - oh, I know what he’s earning. He’s in a field where you have a base salary plus bonuses (not a banker though!) It’s pretty much a ‘given’ that you get those bonuses, and it was certainly expected that DH would have an annual review where his base would be raised (even only to reflect cost of living). But NEITHER of those things have happened and now DH refuses to explain why. Apparently his salary now is his business, even though he told me that these things would happen and we would be looking at a sizeable increase to his income. I don’t know why he’s just rolling over and saying ‘fine’ to his (obviously quite crap) employer, and why I’m SO unreasonable so actually ask him what our household income might be at a certain time etc

Slightly different idea - one of my (ex)mates was the guy in this scenario. He was putting his bonuses and salary uplift into a separate bank account. As far as I can tell his (very lovely) wife just thought he wasn’t getting them.

Ex-friend for a reason.

Probably not the same thing but it just sounded very similar so figured it was worth mentioning.

Original poster
somethingsgottagive75 · 20/04/2023 23:53

@PermanentTemporary - it doesn’t seem so much that the job ‘isn’t working out’ - but more like his employers behave pretty badly. What makes my respect for him just dissolve is that he can’t seem to say ‘right, boss, this ain’t quite right - let’s have an annual review as is standard practice’ - AND he won’t discuss it with me. It’s literally like he said ‘my salary will go up in April’ and when I asked my if this is happening he can’t be transparent about it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2023 23:55

Why are you tolerating this?

Original poster
somethingsgottagive75 · 20/04/2023 23:59

@Aquamarine1029 - I know things aren’t good. But we’ve got four kids and I currently don’t earn enough to stay afloat alone.

@TooExtraImmatureCheddar - hmmm. He’s now coming out with stuff like ‘it’s not all about money’/‘at least my job is stable’/‘things are really bad in my industry’. Truly, I think employers have dicked him over a bit tbh, but what is more hurtful is he’s refusing to discuss and being so horrible to me when I try to be an adult about this.

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 21/04/2023 00:02

Maybe he’s just not very good at work so the salary he is on is appropriate. Presumably if he brings the type of attitude he is showing you into work, I can’t think he would be very effective / popular.

Original poster
somethingsgottagive75 · 21/04/2023 00:04

@LaughingCat - how awful. I don’t think it’s that though - I see an amount come into the account from his employers every month. It’s been the same since he started there.

OP posts:
Original poster
somethingsgottagive75 · 21/04/2023 00:07

@LadyLapsang - he’s totally different to others/colleagues. Charming, funny etc. People often says he’s a lovely guy - and he can be. Just not to me anymore, it seems.

OP posts:
Pixiedust1234 · 21/04/2023 00:08

I agree with pp. He must be on some kind of performance improvement plan. Its the only thing that makes any sense, and he's embarrassed about it so shuts you down and makes it your fault.

If he refuses to discuss this properly then you really have no option but to seperate your finances with a view to selling the house and leaving. I would also move half your savings somewhere more secure as a priority. You have four children to think of.

Original poster
somethingsgottagive75 · 21/04/2023 00:30

@Pixiedust1234 - I don’t think it’s ‘performance improvement’ as such, but bonuses related to company growth/profits. Yes possible there was zero growth but generally these targets are totally achievable - it’s how these roles work. Also standard to have an annual review/salary increase.

OP posts:
Chatterboxy · 21/04/2023 00:47

ClairDeLaLune · 20/04/2023 23:37

Do you think it’s possible he’s lost his job and hasn’t told you?

Thinking the same thing 🤔

Umbellifer · 21/04/2023 00:52

My XH’s salary didn’t go up as expected and I found out much later that he was on a disciplinary and that explained it. He was/is crap with money but mostly it was actually financial abuse, and part of the reason for our divorce. Like your husband he refused to discuss any of it and got nasty if I pushed, even though like you I was trying to run our family finances.

Again like you, outside the family everyone thought he was a great bloke…

Sadly I think you might want to be getting your ducks lined up, and he’ll have to disclose (and prove) his finances if you divorce him. You are most certainly not being unreasonable and you can’t go on like this.

HappyBunnyNow · 21/04/2023 00:59

Is it possible that your expectations of him earning more are putting a lot of pressure on him? If I was doing my best in my job and my partner kept asking why I wasn't getting paid more or when I would get paid more I wouldn't like that and would tell them to back off if they kept doing it. Not sure if this is the situation though. It's not cool that he walked out of a job without discussing it with you but it sounds like he got another one to replace it. Would it be possible for you to focus on progressing in your own career instead of trying to manage his. This might be less frustrating for you. Now the kids are tweens /teens perhaps you could think about this option? He might be feeling micromanaged, just a thought.