Page 3 | Can’t cope any more - it’s like he’s turning into a monster

somethingsgottagive75 · 2023-04-20T21:32:21+00:00

Been with DH over 20 years. 4 tween/teen kids. More than our fair share of stress and hard times, but we’ve weathered those storms. Would have said we were a good solid couple with a fair balance of career/child rearing etc. Over the last few years, DH has made one poor decision after another when it comes to work and finances. It’s been frustrating at times, but I’ve been supportive, even when he’s made decisions that have had a negative impact on us - think walking out of jobs without discussing with me, safe in the knowledge he can fall back on our savings (that I’ve brought in might I add). His self esteem took a knock at times but he’s been in an (underpaid for his level) role for a year. Things are already ‘going wrong’ it seems - bonuses haven’t come in, an annual salary review that was set to happen but now is not. He seems unable to negotiate or progress when it comes to income. Worse, he now point blank refuses to discuss our financial outlook with me - literally screaming at me or stonewalling if I dare to ask what is going on. I’m not being grabby or demanding - I literally want to know if we’ll have enough in the account to pay for a summer holiday/school residential etc. Just now I said ‘it shouldn’t be a problem discussing this like adults’ and he said ‘YOU are my problem’ and has gone to sleep in another room. i have lost all respect for him I think. I‘ve had to be supportive to his work crap for many years now, and frustrating though it is, if he was being lovely but a bit hopeless on the work front I wouldn’t care. Instead he’s being an utter dickhead over all this. has anyone gone through similar?

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 08:44

Finalstar · 21/04/2023 08:27

A poor experience with one job/employer is bad luck.

When every job/employer is going wrong then you have to look at the common factor - which is him.

You should be able to have transparent conversations about money and household finances/spending. If you can't then there's a problem. When you add in angry behaviour and disrespect, then it sounds like a toxic marriage which has run its course.

In your shoes I would get some legal advice, look at your own financial position - taking into account benefit top ups that you might be able to access? - and make plans to divorce as soon as you can.

Agree, it keeps happening in one way or another so the issue is him, the fact he’s so defensive and angry and won’t talk to his employer, I think just goes to prove it.

TeaAndTwoSugars · 21/04/2023 09:04

Sometime companies promise things and don't keep to their promises if the budget doesn't work out.
It does sound like you put a lot of pressure on him to earn more which might be affecting him.
Have you thought about just easing off on the expectation of earning more for now and just seeing what the future brings, are you living comfortably at the moment?
What about your career progression?
Men can find it very embarrassing if they aren't performing well career wise as there is an expectation to be the breadwinner.
I am not saying his behaviour is acceptable but it might explain why he's bottling it up and maybe unleashing it when you are asking him questions about finances.

MrsCarson · 21/04/2023 09:06

I really hope your large investment in the house was ring fenced and you have proof of putting all the money in. I think I'd remove my personal savings so he doesn't have access to it in case he drops out from this job too. He sound irresponsible.

Holly60 · 21/04/2023 10:20

ClairDeLaLune · 20/04/2023 23:37

Do you think it’s possible he’s lost his job and hasn’t told you?

This is what I was wondering

VincentVaguer · 21/04/2023 10:57

Maybe he bigged up the job to you and in fact the company hadn't promised either a bonus or a performance review? Maybe the salary he's on is the salary he's on. Does he enjoy the job?

katmarie · 21/04/2023 11:13

I think your DH is very bad at having difficult conversations OP, and will do whatever he can to avoid having them. He's struggling to have discussions about money with you and is being an arsehole to you instead, to avoid a conversation he finds very difficult for whatever reason.

I think the same is happening at work. He might not be being quite so much of an arsehole there (and if he can behave decently there, he can bloody well do it at home too), but he may well be avoiding having conversations with his bosses which he finds very uncomfortable for whatever reason.

I'm not sure what the answer is though. How much are you prepared to put up with? And if you're not willing to put up with it any more, the only option really is to split up, if he won't engage in the conversation.

HappiestPenguin · 21/04/2023 11:39

I agree with Katmarie he has an issue with confrontation/difficult conversations.

He tells you it will be okay to delay the conversation. He may even make stuff up to delay the conversation. Now it’s harder to delay the conversation he is resorting to stonewalling and threats. Will he explore this issue? Even if you split up this issue will go with him, it’s one he needs to resolve.

Do you/him have experience in the sector he is working in? Do you you know for sure the targets and bonus etc are achievable? I work in a commission based industry and some employers do overegg the bonuses and targets are not explained clearly (in a way newcomers understand).

EustaceTheMonk · 21/04/2023 11:42

ClairDeLaLune · 20/04/2023 23:37

Do you think it’s possible he’s lost his job and hasn’t told you?

My first thought TBH.

KTSl1964 · 21/04/2023 12:19

I’m wondering if he got a big bonus and or pay rise and doesn’t want you to know. It’s not healthy.

Pixiedust1234 · 21/04/2023 13:56

somethingsgottagive75 · 21/04/2023 00:30

@Pixiedust1234 - I don’t think it’s ‘performance improvement’ as such, but bonuses related to company growth/profits. Yes possible there was zero growth but generally these targets are totally achievable - it’s how these roles work. Also standard to have an annual review/salary increase.

You have misread my comment. His work performance is not good enough to be offered a raise or bonus, but he's not bad enough (yet) to be sacked. Its about him, not the company.

However after reading your posts I would say both of you have high, possibly unachievable expectations. He expects to get raises automatically rather than on his work, you expect he is telling you the whole truth even when the evidence suggests otherwise.

You both need to sit down and be honest. Do you expect more from him than he can offer. Does he struggle with the kind of jobs he does and needs a different job?

mathanxiety · 21/04/2023 15:15

somethingsgottagive75 · 20/04/2023 23:53

@PermanentTemporary - it doesn’t seem so much that the job ‘isn’t working out’ - but more like his employers behave pretty badly. What makes my respect for him just dissolve is that he can’t seem to say ‘right, boss, this ain’t quite right - let’s have an annual review as is standard practice’ - AND he won’t discuss it with me. It’s literally like he said ‘my salary will go up in April’ and when I asked my if this is happening he can’t be transparent about it.

There's something he's lying to you about here, either explicitly or by omission.

Does he have a separate account of his own that you know nothing of? Is he gambling his bonus? Has he invested in bitcoin or similar? Is that why he told you his income was going to increase?

Please open your own account and put your savings there. Look into welfare you might be entitled to.

Duckingella · 21/04/2023 15:22

Can be doing something dodgy that he doesn't want you to know about that would take into account his change in behaviour and secretiveness about money?:he has form for irresponsible behaviour and selfishness.

Drugs (usually cocaine),gambling or another woman?

NemoandDoris · 21/04/2023 15:26

I don’t think it’s ‘performance improvement’ as such, but bonuses related to company growth/profits.

i get these and they are linked to your performance as well. It’s a big pot where everyone gets something (might be different amounts) unless you are totally underperforming.

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2023 15:38

Thank you for replies. I feel so lost. No extended family support whatsoever. Some amazing close friends who don’t quite realise the extent of my unhappiness.
Maybe it's time to open up to 1 or 2 very trusted friends.
Abuse thrives in secrecy - explode that, with friends you can rely on not to blab - you need real life support.

Moving out/my finances - well, not easy. We’d have to sell our house (which I mainly paid for). My earnings took a hit from early years of childcare and then changing careers. In retrospect I shouldn’t have changed careers, but I trusted him when he reassured me that all would be fine financially - I was an idiot.
You are NOT an idiot. A wife should be able to trust her husband as a default stance. You shouldn't have needed to second-guess his financial promises.
Please take your worries to an experience divorce lawyer, & highlight the fact, that you have paid for most of the house. While this doesn't usually mean you can take out (proportionately) as you put in, if you are going for main resident parent, you can have your lawyer argue that you take a larger share, to rehouse the DC appropriately.
Ask the lawyer to factor in your childbirth & rearing years, when you sacrificed earnings, pension, & progression on order to look after your shared children.

he shuts down any conversation about money. Even told me he’ll start putting his salary into a different account if I question him more about it. Awful.
He's on the brink of financial abuse. Either as he says - squirrelling "his" money away from his family, or possibly even resigning without discussion again, & expecting you to pick up the slack.
This is his way of punishing you & training you to never question him.

he’s totally different to others/colleagues. Charming, funny etc. People often says he’s a lovely guy - and he can be. Just not to me anymore, it seems.
Very common scenario in domestic abuse scenarios. The abuser can choose to be delightful to others, it's all part of their camoflage. Proving that he CAN help his nastiness, he just chooses to inflict it on you in secrecy.

thank you. I would like to go to counselling and have suggested in the past. He’s refused.
Drop this idea - couples counselling is NOT RECOMMENDED by professionals when one of the pair is abusive. Have solo counselling instead - just for you. Don't discuss it with him. Use the sessions to work out your next steps in a supportive & safe environment.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

billy1966 · 21/04/2023 15:59

OP, he is an abusive arsehole and your children are well aware.

I would not have any trust in him.

He has been financially abusing you for years and I think you have been limping along hoping things would improve.

You desperately need to protect yourself and contact Women's aid for support.

Stop giving him so much power with your trust.

He is a liar and a mess.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

CantGetDecentNickname · 21/04/2023 16:07

KettrickenSmiled · 21/04/2023 15:38

Thank you for replies. I feel so lost. No extended family support whatsoever. Some amazing close friends who don’t quite realise the extent of my unhappiness.
Maybe it's time to open up to 1 or 2 very trusted friends.
Abuse thrives in secrecy - explode that, with friends you can rely on not to blab - you need real life support.

Moving out/my finances - well, not easy. We’d have to sell our house (which I mainly paid for). My earnings took a hit from early years of childcare and then changing careers. In retrospect I shouldn’t have changed careers, but I trusted him when he reassured me that all would be fine financially - I was an idiot.
You are NOT an idiot. A wife should be able to trust her husband as a default stance. You shouldn't have needed to second-guess his financial promises.
Please take your worries to an experience divorce lawyer, & highlight the fact, that you have paid for most of the house. While this doesn't usually mean you can take out (proportionately) as you put in, if you are going for main resident parent, you can have your lawyer argue that you take a larger share, to rehouse the DC appropriately.
Ask the lawyer to factor in your childbirth & rearing years, when you sacrificed earnings, pension, & progression on order to look after your shared children.

he shuts down any conversation about money. Even told me he’ll start putting his salary into a different account if I question him more about it. Awful.
He's on the brink of financial abuse. Either as he says - squirrelling "his" money away from his family, or possibly even resigning without discussion again, & expecting you to pick up the slack.
This is his way of punishing you & training you to never question him.

he’s totally different to others/colleagues. Charming, funny etc. People often says he’s a lovely guy - and he can be. Just not to me anymore, it seems.
Very common scenario in domestic abuse scenarios. The abuser can choose to be delightful to others, it's all part of their camoflage. Proving that he CAN help his nastiness, he just chooses to inflict it on you in secrecy.

thank you. I would like to go to counselling and have suggested in the past. He’s refused.
Drop this idea - couples counselling is NOT RECOMMENDED by professionals when one of the pair is abusive. Have solo counselling instead - just for you. Don't discuss it with him. Use the sessions to work out your next steps in a supportive & safe environment.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

All of the above!
In refusing to communicate with you he is not treating you like a partner. You may never find out the exact reason for his behaviour, but once you have started to make an exit plan, you may find that you cease to care. Please do confide in a close friend if you can. I'd make a move on the legal side quickly before he decides to leave his job again.

AgentJohnson · 21/04/2023 16:12

It very much sounds like you are in denial about who your husband is. Given his past, his lack of bonus/annual review is probably due to performance issues. You can continue to accept his lies an evasiveness or you can choose to stop being his emotional punching bag for whatever issues he has.

OhcantthInkofaname · 21/04/2023 21:11

Do you think it's possible that he's having any increase or bonuses put into a separate account ?