Can’t cope any more - it’s like he’s turning into a monster

[somethingsgottagive75]

Been with DH over 20 years. 4 tween/teen kids. More than our fair share of stress and hard times, but we’ve weathered those storms. Would have said we were a good solid couple with a fair balance of career/child rearing etc.

Over the last few years, DH has made one poor decision after another when it comes to work and finances. It’s been frustrating at times, but I’ve been supportive, even when he’s made decisions that have had a negative impact on us - think walking out of jobs without discussing with me, safe in the knowledge he can fall back on our savings (that I’ve brought in might I add).

His self esteem took a knock at times but he’s been in an (underpaid for his level) role for a year. Things are already ‘going wrong’ it seems - bonuses haven’t come in, an annual salary review that was set to happen but now is not. He seems unable to negotiate or progress when it comes to income. Worse, he now point blank refuses to discuss our financial outlook with me - literally screaming at me or stonewalling if I dare to ask what is going on. I’m not being grabby or demanding - I literally want to know if we’ll have enough in the account to pay for a summer holiday/school residential etc.

Just now I said ‘it shouldn’t be a problem discussing this like adults’ and he said ‘YOU are my problem’ and has gone to sleep in another room.

i have lost all respect for him I think. I‘ve had to be supportive to his work crap for many years now, and frustrating though it is, if he was being lovely but a bit hopeless on the work front I wouldn’t care. Instead he’s being an utter dickhead over all this.

has anyone gone through similar?

@Chatterboxy - no he hasn’t lost his job, I see his salary payments come in to our joint account!

@Umbellifer - sorry you went through this. I don’t think it’s anything like a disciplinary though - he’s only been there a year, they could easily just sack him if they wanted to. I DO think he’s utterly shit when it comes to negotiating and having difficult conversations with his bosses. It’s also really perplexing because he says one thing is set to happen and then it doesn’t.

How are you now @Umbellifer ? I’d love to hear your story.

In which case, it is abusive behaviour. You need to leave. Can you honestly say it will get better? You and your children deserve better. At the moment everything seems focused on him, what about everyone else? If you leave, you can apply for interim maintenance pending suit. He will have to contribute to your costs.

@unsync - how he speaks to me does feel abusive at times. He’s always had something of an issue with managing his emotions/anger but usually in the past it’s been a result of external factors (namely, his toxic family) - but this is now to do with me. I GET money and income are sensitive issues - particularly when he knows he doesn’t do as well as he should - but I am his wife, we should be able to discuss this.

It sounds like couples counselling might be worth a go as this conflict is has escalated over the last few years since you've been unhappy with his career performance and lack of communication over finances. If I understood correctly you said you had approx 17 years of a solid marriage prior to this where you pulled together during many hard times. There are plenty of abusive men out there but maybe yours isn't one of them? If you want more clarity on this you could read "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft." A very helpful book for those in abusive relationships. My advice for now would be to try backing off a bit of the questions about when he will earn more and just look at what's in the bank account and plan your finances based on your current joint earnings.

Actually @HappyBunnyNow if there’s a chance he’s abusive the last thing you do is couples counselling- it puts the person on the receiving end in a very vulnerable position as it gives the abuser ammunition for more manipulation and worse.

@somethingsgottagive75 I will DM you but not now as I need some sleep 😴

@HappyBunnyNow - thank you. I would like to go to counselling and have suggested in the past. He’s refused. While we had a few years where I would say things were good, there were many years of ‘some issues but we have 4 small kids and limited time to think about it’, and now it feels like things are really pretty bad.

Have that awful cold feeling in my stomach a lot, and can’t believe some of the things he says to me. He’s changed. I’m sure I’m not perfect but I know I’m open, communicative and respectful. It’s really sad and can’t quite believe I’m here.

True but it doesn't sound like an abusive relationship to me just based on this thread it sounds like someone who is feeling hounded to earn more money and their frustrated partner who is has set expectations of how much this person should earn... If he's been solid and supportive for 17 years throughout hard times he's unlikely to be abusive perhaps he is now fed up because he's being repeatedly told that he's not living up to his potential and his wife's expectations? Is this not a possibility. I have experience of abusive relationships so don't say this lightly.

It sounds like an abusive relationship to me @HappyBunnyNow

@somethingsgottagive75 I went through something similar with my (ex) husband last year. He started constantly complaining about how toxic work was (despite having been there 8 years and being very senior - i.e. should have had the ability to cope with any office politics).

He was fucking awful to me and it was the last straw in a track record of bad/mean/zero empathy behaviour. Like you, we had had good times over a 20 year relationship but the bad times became too much for me to cope with. We split in November. I look back now and wonder if he was having an affair with a colleague or whether he was being performance managed, or whether someone had filed a grievance about him - a few things don’t add up but I don’t have any proof (and probably never will).

@HappyBunnyNow abuse survivor here too. This IS abusive behaviour. I can clearly remember this type of behaviour being discussed in the Women's Aid workshop I did last year.

Hello @somethingsgottagive75 reading your post felt like you were writing about my ex. I went through very similar thing with him. We were together over 25 years and he was, like yours, an amazing dad to our babies, we have three kids. While there were always red flags around certain situations, especially money, he really changed after maybe ten years. Changed in many ways. One of the things I hated were secrecy around work. Over the time, I would uncover things that were happening to him at work that he would hide from me, or he would tell me later on, but like when it was irrelevant. It was very difficult to broach some topics with him because I would know that he is uncomfortable, but if I would he would be defensive. He is a very difficult person, rigid, no emotional intelligence and I would say, very poor interpersonal skills so he would often get in conflicts with his colleagues and I believe that this prevented him to advance. He made some bad financial decisions but never owned up to it. I too lost my respect for him after some time, and this was not just because he was not successful in his career, but because he was an ashole who behaved like he was something else but was/is really nothing. The whole thing, our whole life, was so nerve racking. I was always walking on eggshells and "choosing words" when talking to him, I was suffocating. After all I called it quits; he could not believe it and still says he has no idea why we broke up. I however, can finally breathe.

Surely he must see that without sharing financial details with you, you can’t budget as a family, or as you say, plan holidays or extra stuff for the children. It’s not even logical!

If my partner was harrassing me about my job/salary/promotion/bonuses etc, I too would be in the spare room and thinking about leaving the relationship.

Then can't you manage on that? If you want to stay with him that is. I agree the situation sounds shit, but if there's a finite,.transparent amount coming in then just act as though there's no more and budget accordingly. If this means no holidays then you won't be the only family in that situation and at least you know where you are. Clearly there's no bonus on the horizon.

If he’s only there a year and they are refusing salary review and he’s refusing to discuss it, I suspect strongly it’s performance related and that’s why he’s so angry . I’d also assume he’s got previous and that’s why his jobs are always a fuck up.

Well, yes, this is obvious surely. If OP wants to stay with him she needs to assume no performance review or bonus is incoming and work with what they've got.

@ssomethingsgottagive75 I had kids with her yes. I was her husband. Still am technically but separated 4 years ago.

If my partner kept walking out of jobs and spending all the money I had saved whilst not discussing any of it with me I would be happy if he left.

Well I think so yes. But the op is appearing convinced he’s not the problem his employer is. But yes it seems fairly obvious to me he’s a poor performer and that’s been his problem a long time. That’s why he walks out of jobs, that’s why he doesn’t get raises or bonuses, that’s why he changes job so often, he’s a shit performer and he keeps getting caught out.

So looking at it high level, the fact he was walked from jobs in the past and now struggling in a job with basic pay and no bonuses, he really sounds like he is not performing at work. It cannot just be them, some of it has to be down to him which is why he is so defensive.

I would start thinking about covering your back and an exit strategy before he sucks up all your savings and leaves you high and dry. he is being a poor performer as a husband too, not sure why you would want to put up with it.

Has his employer "dicked him over" or is he not performing as expected?

I also suspect he's on a performance review and his salary/bonus has been capped while he's given a chance to pull his socks up.

He isn't kind to you. He will not talk to you about your finances and he doesn't want to work together to try and repair things. You can't make this relationship work on your own. Fine, go to a therapist on your own, but if your husband isn't prepared to meet you half way, you are wasting your time. Agree with a PP, time to get your exit strategy worked out. Good luck.

Also true.

A poor experience with one job/employer is bad luck.

When every job/employer is going wrong then you have to look at the common factor - which is him.

You should be able to have transparent conversations about money and household finances/spending. If you can't then there's a problem. When you add in angry behaviour and disrespect, then it sounds like a toxic marriage which has run its course.

In your shoes I would get some legal advice, look at your own financial position - taking into account benefit top ups that you might be able to access? - and make plans to divorce as soon as you can.

Sometimes when you join a company in the financial year you just don't qualify for the bonus that year.
Also, my huge pil and gas company didn't meet the targets you think is so easy to achieve and our bonus were reduced to the "personal performance" portion only which was 30% of our target and we missed out on 70% of the company target. So bonuses should never ever been seen as a "given" as they just aren't.

But the communication is the issue here and he sounds like a knob but I would really like to hear his side of things.