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Original poster

What advice would you give to friend having an affair

53 replies

Stardust31 · 20/04/2023 20:16

My friend (let’s call her Julie) has been married for 6 years (I also know her DW). Julie seemed to be so very happily married until she met another woman at a work event and hit it off.

I met up with Julie last week and turns out her and OW are having a full blown affair and have been for around 8 weeks.

She is still saying she loves DW and can’t imagine a life without her and still pictures her future with DW. However she is hooked on OW and has no intention of ending things any time soon. It is of course only going to end in disaster.

I feel absolutely awful for her DW being none the wiser about this. I know the situation is nothing to do with me but equally when it goes tits up, Julie will come to me looking for support.

If your friend was in this mess (of their own making!) what advice would you give them?

OP posts:
Heroicallyfound · 20/04/2023 20:42

Has she asked for any advice?

If she comes to you for support just be with her. Let her ride the waves of her feelings.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 20/04/2023 20:44

I’d advise her to stop the affair and talk to her wife. Either end her marriage leaving her then free to pursue the OW or end the affair. She can’t have her cake and eat it. Imagine how her DW would feel…

ArmchairAnarchist2 · 20/04/2023 20:44

Leave me out of it.

PollyAmour · 20/04/2023 20:46

Don't get involved.

ZekeZeke · 20/04/2023 20:46

I'd be telling Julie to end it or else you are telling her wife (who you know)

rockingbird · 20/04/2023 20:47

Having been cheated on and my world blown apart beyond anything I could ever have imagined .. I'd have to tell her to stop and work out who she wants to be with or I'd be telling the cheated on DW. No one deserves to be treated like that ever!

Original poster
Stardust31 · 20/04/2023 20:48

Heroicallyfound · 20/04/2023 20:42

Has she asked for any advice?

If she comes to you for support just be with her. Let her ride the waves of her feelings.

No she hasn’t but she has spoken to me about the situation a few times now. I’ve warned her against it however she just says she’s sure it’ll all work itself out 🙄

OP posts:
ExplodingLava · 20/04/2023 20:49

I’d tell her she’s being a shit and to tell her wife, and if she doesn’t then to leave her wife. Otherwise, for her to not keep me updated with her thrilling new romantic romance that is built on top of some ugly betrayal.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 20/04/2023 20:50

It doesn't matter what advice you give her as she has already made it clear she is carrying on the affair. What she doesn't realise is she has already left the marriage and created a new one and if her dw finds out and opts to reconcile it still won't be the same marriage. She has broken it. My advice would be to distance yourself from this drama. If you know dw she has been incredibly selfish putting you in this position. As someone who was betrayed and had a friend know but not say anything I felt a double betrayal. I can't quite forgive my friend for not telling me. I understand they were in a crap position but the betrayer deserves no loyalty when they are not loyal themselves

HappinesDependsOnYou · 20/04/2023 20:51

When I say she has left it I mean she has changed its whole set up by bringing in another woman. If if reconciled it will never be as it was before. I worded that badly

samantha0709 · 20/04/2023 20:51

I'd just stay out of it.
She'll do what she will do.

I wouldn't get involved in telling the DW because frankly every relationship has its hidden issues. And because you'd lose a friend. And somehow you'd probably turn into the bad guy. I've told someone before and somehow it ended our friendship - I was only trying to help her. Now I'd keep away from any drama.

Original poster
Stardust31 · 20/04/2023 20:52

ExplodingLava · 20/04/2023 20:49

I’d tell her she’s being a shit and to tell her wife, and if she doesn’t then to leave her wife. Otherwise, for her to not keep me updated with her thrilling new romantic romance that is built on top of some ugly betrayal.

Thanks, I think I’ll take this route.

I’m too emotionally available for my friends and am someone who is always there to listen, speak about things etc. But this whole situation just makes me feel so uncomfortable that I don’t want to hear about it.

I just feel awful knowing that her DW is blissfully unaware but I also know it’s not my place to tell her

OP posts:
drpet49 · 20/04/2023 20:53

ExplodingLava · 20/04/2023 20:49

I’d tell her she’s being a shit and to tell her wife, and if she doesn’t then to leave her wife. Otherwise, for her to not keep me updated with her thrilling new romantic romance that is built on top of some ugly betrayal.

This. I’d also tell her she has gone down in my estimation.

Original poster
Stardust31 · 20/04/2023 20:54

HappinesDependsOnYou · 20/04/2023 20:51

When I say she has left it I mean she has changed its whole set up by bringing in another woman. If if reconciled it will never be as it was before. I worded that badly

Makes total sense. Their marriage will never be the same again, it’s awful.

OP posts:
romdowa · 20/04/2023 20:54

I'd be telling her that I don't want to hear about it now or when it all goes tits up

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 07:23

I would tell the poor wife and cut my friendship with this little shit.

Tarantella6 · 21/04/2023 07:27

Also why is she telling you? Is she hoping you'll do her dirty work and tell her DW?

If she didn't want to get found out surely she would keep it a secret. If I was having an affair and didn't want to leave DH I would not even post about it on Mumsnet. Nobody would know!

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 21/04/2023 07:30

Tarantella6 · 21/04/2023 07:27

Also why is she telling you? Is she hoping you'll do her dirty work and tell her DW?

If she didn't want to get found out surely she would keep it a secret. If I was having an affair and didn't want to leave DH I would not even post about it on Mumsnet. Nobody would know!

I've not been in this position so I'm speculating, but (however problematic the circumstances) a shiny new relationship is exciting, isn't it? I can see why someone might really want to talk about it with a friend, even if it runs the risk of being found out as a result.

Original poster
Stardust31 · 21/04/2023 08:09

notsurewherenotsurewhy · 21/04/2023 07:30

I've not been in this position so I'm speculating, but (however problematic the circumstances) a shiny new relationship is exciting, isn't it? I can see why someone might really want to talk about it with a friend, even if it runs the risk of being found out as a result.

Show quote history

I think that’s exactly it. I had also noticed that she was extremely distracted, smiling at her phone etc so I stupidly asked why.

3 months ago her and DW were speaking about starting a family and now this!

Makes me sad how easily people’s heads can be turned when they’re supposedly happy

OP posts:
NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs · 21/04/2023 08:12

What is it with these cheating lesbian stories around here lately? 🤔

Deathbyfluffy · 21/04/2023 08:20

Stardust31 · 21/04/2023 08:09

I think that’s exactly it. I had also noticed that she was extremely distracted, smiling at her phone etc so I stupidly asked why.

3 months ago her and DW were speaking about starting a family and now this!

Makes me sad how easily people’s heads can be turned when they’re supposedly happy

Show quote history

I see it far too much in my social circles - both men and women in equal measure.
It’s incredibly sad that someone can make vows then seemingly ignore it as soon as someone else appears remotely interested - I have nothing but contempt for anyone that cheats, and there’s never an excuse.

Sloop89 · 21/04/2023 08:27

@NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs I've noticed that....we've had lots of 'lesbians behaving badly' lately.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/04/2023 08:38

Stupid question, but why is it not your business to tell the wife? You know the wife, you like the wife. Your friends has mad you complicit by telling you about this affair. I'd be telling her that she either ends the affair or her marriage, or you'll be speaking to her wife about it.

Original poster
Stardust31 · 21/04/2023 08:52

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/04/2023 08:38

Stupid question, but why is it not your business to tell the wife? You know the wife, you like the wife. Your friends has mad you complicit by telling you about this affair. I'd be telling her that she either ends the affair or her marriage, or you'll be speaking to her wife about it.

I don’t know the wife very well, I worked with her very briefly a number of years ago. My friend has put me in an awful situation. I wouldn’t say I’m complicit, I’ve warned my friend against it and will be telling her I don’t want to hear any more of it (following the advice of previous posters)

As much as her DW deserves to know, I don’t know why it should be up to me to turn their lives upside down. I do think her DW must suspect something is going on, my friend is very distracted, suddenly spends a ridiculous amount of time out the house etc, has suddenly booked a weekend away with her new ‘friend’

OP posts:
wineNcheeseifYplease · 21/04/2023 09:56

I was in your position, I kept on trying to persuade my friend (the OW in this case) to stop because it wasn't doing anyone any good, her included. Her AP gaslit her wife so much over it that the DW ended up taking her own life, I dont think she trusted herself to know up from down any more. A very extreme example. But I did try with my friend and the married AP, although it wasnt my place to. It just felt so unjust. Maybe I should have tried telling the wife, maybe if she'd had it clarified earlier she wouldn't have gotten so lost. It shouldn't be 'up' to anyone apart from the cheater, but we all know that they usually try to ride it out as long as possible.