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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What advice would you give to friend having an affair

53 replies

Stardust31 · 20/04/2023 20:16

My friend (let’s call her Julie) has been married for 6 years (I also know her DW). Julie seemed to be so very happily married until she met another woman at a work event and hit it off.

I met up with Julie last week and turns out her and OW are having a full blown affair and have been for around 8 weeks.

She is still saying she loves DW and can’t imagine a life without her and still pictures her future with DW. However she is hooked on OW and has no intention of ending things any time soon. It is of course only going to end in disaster.

I feel absolutely awful for her DW being none the wiser about this. I know the situation is nothing to do with me but equally when it goes tits up, Julie will come to me looking for support.

If your friend was in this mess (of their own making!) what advice would you give them?

OP posts:
orangedalmatian · 21/04/2023 10:12

Tell her it won't end well, but they are her choices. Then ask her not to discuss it with you further, you don't need her drama.

Original poster
Stardust31 · 21/04/2023 12:01

orangedalmatian · 21/04/2023 10:12

Tell her it won't end well, but they are her choices. Then ask her not to discuss it with you further, you don't need her drama.

Since finding out I have told her it won’t end well. But this morning I have told her I don’t want to hear any more about it

OP posts:
SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 12:18

You are complicit and it wouldn't be you who turns their world upside down what an odd way to see it.. it's the cheater who did this.
You're taking the cowardly way out for an easier life for yourself just own it

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 12:19

NameChangedSoYouDontKnowHowBrokenMyHeartIs · 21/04/2023 08:12

What is it with these cheating lesbian stories around here lately? 🤔

Yes noticed.

Original poster
Stardust31 · 21/04/2023 12:29

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 12:18

You are complicit and it wouldn't be you who turns their world upside down what an odd way to see it.. it's the cheater who did this.
You're taking the cowardly way out for an easier life for yourself just own it

I’m not complicit by simply knowing about the situation. I’d perhaps agree I was complicit if I was encouraging it or helping her with the infidelity in any way, which I’m not.

It isn’t my responsibility to right my friends wrongs and I’d rather be kept out of it than being the one to expose the affair

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardust31 · 21/04/2023 12:31

SufferingCarlos · 21/04/2023 12:18

You are complicit and it wouldn't be you who turns their world upside down what an odd way to see it.. it's the cheater who did this.
You're taking the cowardly way out for an easier life for yourself just own it

If I was to tell DW at all I’d prefer to be anonymous as I work with my friend and simply can’t deal with confrontation/drama which would come as a result of her finding out I told her DW. I suppose that is cowardly but I didn’t ask to be involved in this situation in any way!

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 21/04/2023 12:39

I wouldn't give any advice. It's not my place to judge her, so I hope I'd continue to support her as a friend, and be there for her if she runs into trouble. That's what friends do.

monsteramunch · 21/04/2023 12:40

Hbh17 · 21/04/2023 12:39

I wouldn't give any advice. It's not my place to judge her, so I hope I'd continue to support her as a friend, and be there for her if she runs into trouble. That's what friends do.

How can you support someone as a friend without giving advice?

washinwashoutrepeat · 21/04/2023 13:31

A good friend did this to me a couple of years ago. I listened to her for about 6 weeks, without judgement.

Then she used me to cover up something, and told me afterwards.

It was the end of the friendship for me. We see each other out and about, and always have a laugh, but I did have to sit her down and tell her how uncomfortable I was about the predicament she had put me in.

HelpMeGetThrough · 21/04/2023 14:15

I'd tell her I wanted nothing more to do with her and that she was a piece of shit.

ShandaLear · 21/04/2023 16:50

As someone who has been cheated on I would 100% tell the wife. Treating people badly and deceiving them should never, ever be condoned. If someone was stealing from the wife, wouldn’t you tell her? If they decide to stay together then at least the DW has made that decision in full possession of the facts.

5128gap · 21/04/2023 17:26

I'd say 'Julie, I'm not going to waste my breath telling you how awful you're being to your wife as you know that already and must have some how squared your conscience. So, just from your own self interest...I know you've got it bad for OW at the moment. But if wife finds out, you will lose her and your whole life together. At the moment you want OW because you've got both. But imagine if you lost wife and OW was ALL you had. Would you want to live with her full time? If not, I'd really think about whether this is worth it because I know you think you're being careful, but affairs do come to light and it could well happen.'

tailinthejam · 21/04/2023 17:56

As you know them both, I think she's been really unfair in telling you about this affair, to be honest.

Original poster
Stardust31 · 21/04/2023 17:57

5128gap · 21/04/2023 17:26

I'd say 'Julie, I'm not going to waste my breath telling you how awful you're being to your wife as you know that already and must have some how squared your conscience. So, just from your own self interest...I know you've got it bad for OW at the moment. But if wife finds out, you will lose her and your whole life together. At the moment you want OW because you've got both. But imagine if you lost wife and OW was ALL you had. Would you want to live with her full time? If not, I'd really think about whether this is worth it because I know you think you're being careful, but affairs do come to light and it could well happen.'

I more or less said that to her when I found out to be honest. But following advice on this thread I’ve told her I don’t want to hear any more of it

OP posts:
Original poster
Stardust31 · 21/04/2023 17:59

tailinthejam · 21/04/2023 17:56

As you know them both, I think she's been really unfair in telling you about this affair, to be honest.

I agree. I know my friend way more than I know her DW but it is a shitty position to put me in. I understand other posters telling me that I should tell her DW but I suppose selfishly I don’t want the backlash from my friend for doing so.

I have considered anonymously telling her DW via email or something because she does deserve to know. But I don’t think it’s the right thing to do either. Tbh I wish she never told me about it!

OP posts:
Eleganz · 21/04/2023 18:04

My advice to you is to find better friends.

I honestly wouldn't waste my breath or time on Julie. She is deep in affair fog and won't listen to a word you say.

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 21/04/2023 18:37

Advice to friend: it's a piss poor truly shitty thing to do AND as it (hopefully) doesn't align with your values, you can no longer be friends with her and if she doesn't end affair or tell her wife, you will do. Sorry but why come on a forum then claim you are too weak to do anything

gotmychristmasmiracle · 21/04/2023 18:40

Honestly I would ask them what is wrong with their current partners relationship and maybe invest time into that instead. If they think it's not going to change for whatever reason suggest they leave and let their old partner move on to find someone who loves them.

Original poster
Stardust31 · 21/04/2023 18:50

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 21/04/2023 18:37

Advice to friend: it's a piss poor truly shitty thing to do AND as it (hopefully) doesn't align with your values, you can no longer be friends with her and if she doesn't end affair or tell her wife, you will do. Sorry but why come on a forum then claim you are too weak to do anything

I was looking for advice to give my friend, not advice on how to tell her DW

OP posts:
Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 21/04/2023 18:55

Well you've been given several options already by other commenters, but suspect you will take the easiest and say nothing.

Timeforchangeithink · 21/04/2023 19:00

At least tell the DW anonymously than say nothing at all surely?

BCBird · 21/04/2023 19:00

I think I would tell your friend that in your opinion that this is morally wrong and if she continues yiu di not want to know about it and potentially depending how strongly u feel,that you want to end or cool your friendship. She has put you in a very difficult situation too.

NemoandDoris · 21/04/2023 19:03

I would advise her to think everything through very carefully. Is it worth losing everything for? What is she wanting long term? Would encourage her to act with some integrity & decency and at least have a date set in her head when she decides the course of action she wants to go down.

5128gap · 21/04/2023 19:23

Butteralwaysmeltsaway · 21/04/2023 18:55

Well you've been given several options already by other commenters, but suspect you will take the easiest and say nothing.

Saying nothing is not the easiest thing to do. The easiest thing to do is run with the hare and the hounds and send a cowardly little anonymous letter to salve your own conscience.
The OP is actually facing a very difficult decision. Most people do not betray long term friendship lightly. (No, not, even when the friend is having an affair, believe it or not!) In fact outside of these threads I don't know of a single person who'd tell their friends partner, as loyalty is typically to the friend.
Whichever decision the OP takes would be a tough and painful one. Hatred of affairs doesn't trump every other emotion for most people.

Hawkins003 · 21/04/2023 19:27

Stardust31 · 20/04/2023 20:16

My friend (let’s call her Julie) has been married for 6 years (I also know her DW). Julie seemed to be so very happily married until she met another woman at a work event and hit it off.

I met up with Julie last week and turns out her and OW are having a full blown affair and have been for around 8 weeks.

She is still saying she loves DW and can’t imagine a life without her and still pictures her future with DW. However she is hooked on OW and has no intention of ending things any time soon. It is of course only going to end in disaster.

I feel absolutely awful for her DW being none the wiser about this. I know the situation is nothing to do with me but equally when it goes tits up, Julie will come to me looking for support.

If your friend was in this mess (of their own making!) what advice would you give them?

Easy, enjoy the passion, don't have any secret texts or facebook etc always wipe at the end of each day if you need to use the messages.

If you use hotels etc always use cash, no credit cards.

Have built in cover stories for when needing to meet the affair partner.

Be clear on the boundaries of the affair, eg just sex, bit of fun ect

Above all don't take too many obvious risks and always use the Moscow rules for having an affair